How Do You Handle The Sex?

I surrendered to my inner pervert and now get as graphic as my characters want to. So what I write now is definitely erotica but that's not all my book is. But yeah. There's swearing, crude words for intimate body parts, definitely no closing of the bedroom door. (Or living room, or hall, or you name it...)

One thing that works for me is letting the characters talk, keeping the narrator's voice out of it, otherwise it sounds a bit textbook, a bit clinical, a bit telling-not-showing. So my characters talk during sex so it's not me telling the reader, "They're enjoying this." The reader knows because the characters are expressing themselves.

Well erotica is very graphic and explicit. You can almost see, taste and feel what's going on. But I dont think that's the direction you wanted to head.

Is this book a romance? In romance the sex scenes are less graphic than erotica but still detailed. If this isn't a romance, then I would think of making the sex scenes short and more focused on what's happening mentally than physically. Ultimately you should be able to tell if the sex is appropriate in context with the rest of the book.

Write the sex in any way that's most comfortable to YOU.

Anything else and the reader will pick up on your discomfort.

I've read many books where the writer was clearly not at all happy writing a love scene, and the book would have been better off without it.

I've done a book without any love scene at all and in a series where such a scene is usually part of the story. In that case the MC was in a bad emotional place and sex would have been inappropriate. I still addressed the issue, though, where the MC had to tell the partner, "I'm just not ready yet."

YOU be comfortable with YOU. Never do such a scene just because you think it's expected.

One of my writer friends tried, and the scene was a miserable failure of writing.

Ditto everything Gillhoughly said.

I've written graphic, multi-page sex scenes. I've also written paragraph-long, emotion-laden and mechanics-missing sex scenes. I'm pretty comfortable with the former, but there can be just as much power in the latter. And depending on my MC/narrator, the long sex scene isn't always appropriate for a character (the opposite also being true, in that the narrator would go into great detail).

It really depends on what you want to accomplish with the sex. Is it important that we see the play-by-play, or are the after-effects the real issue?

First of all, sex is kind of like violence in fiction. Both should advance the story--neither should be in any way gratuitous.

When writing a murder scene, is it better to write the grisly details or write what is going in the mind of the murderer, the victim, or a witness (both can be done, but both are not always necessary)? The first is sometimes called for when the writer wants the reader to be put on edge, but it can get out of hand and lose its effectiveness. The latter can provide a great deal of characterization since it will show how the murderer/victim/witness reacts to extremely intense situations.

When writing a sex scene, is it better to write the slippery details or write what is going on in the mind of the POV participant? Writing the mechanics is done in erotica, but it can get tedious and lend itself to almost comical description. Writing what's going on in the mind of the POV character can provide a great deal of characterization since sex can be one of the most intense experiences a person can have.

Some people like to jump from the kiss to the cigarette, and that can be one way too handle it. But that passes on a wonderful chance for developing a character since how he/she approaches and reacts to that kind of intimacy can reveal some significant depth of that character.

I'll agree with Gil, though. Going well beyond one's comfort level in writing any kind of extremely emotional scene can be telegraphed to the reader in either tentative writing or in overdoing it, making it clumsy and overwrought.

I think it depends on the kind of novel and the characters. I think I could write a completely clean inspirational romance about Christian kids who are abstaining until marriage, AND I could write a graphic erotic novel. I should probably use different pen names though...

Depends which market I'm sending it to.

I haven't had to handle sex yet.

The first novel I wrote was aimed at younger YA readers (think 12-14), so I didn't want my characters having sex at that point.

In my current WIP (adult this time), I thought for sure that my two main characters would be hopping into the sack around midbook. To my great surprise, when I got there, they both informed me that they didn't know each other well enough yet. My characters are prudes and I didn't even realize it! At the moment, it looks like they aren't even going to have sex by the end of the book.

caitysdad said:

So how does everyone else handle it?

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No condom, no sex!

Although I agree with Gilhoughly on adhering to your comfort level, my main guideline is "what's the narrator/character's comfort level?"

Because I've got a book in which the sex is just hinted at, because my POV character is a church secretary. No way would she be comfortable divulging anything graphic. It's romantically alluded to.

In the book I'm querying now, the narrator is a young man on death row. His approach to sex is about as crude and graphic as Penthouse letters. Not at all romantic, even when he's with a girl he loves.

I had it happen during the scene break. Cheating, but effective.

I have heard of a sex scene that said "It all faded in black." just when the author got uncomfortable.

I agree with Redzilla. As in voice everywhere else in the book, the description of the sex has to be in voice. So if your character would talk or write about it, then it seems appropriate to describe it.

For example, my 1st person MC is a teenage boy, so there are a fair number of scenes that include masturbation. But I never actually describe the act, because he's not the kind of kid who would. I always give the first step in - ie, dropping trou to go for the landspeed record, but then I jump to after.

And when he finally makes out with the girl he's been lusting after all book, I describe the overwhelming sensations of it, not really all the mechanics.

So...I think whatever the level of the description, it has to fit the voice and feel of the book. How would the character describe the sex to a close friend? sibling? Those might be guidelines...or maybe how he or she might write about it in a journal - what level of detail?

I think Gillhoughly also had some great advice, in that if you are uncomfortable with it, it will come through in the scene.

But, overall, I think the sex, like everything else, needs to be in the voice of the novel.

good luck.

~suki

I'm worthless when it comes to writing sex, so I don't. I write UP to the sex, I write AFTER the sex, I write all about the flirting and feelings UP to that point and afterwards, but my characters shut the door firmly and fairly in my face. I'm okay with that. I can't write sex because it sounds dumb, not because I'm uncomfortable with it.

You should write what you're comfortable writing, because it will WORK better for both you and the readers. They can tell if you feel awkward about it.

Well think about what purpose the specific sex scene serves to forward momentum. Does it further the plot? Place a child inside one of the characters? Place the seed of doubt in an unfaithful husband or wife? Both? Or is it just sex? Is your MC a sex addict? Does it alter a relationship between characters (trick question; it always, always does)? Does the voice, tone, moments of focus serve your story?

I usually skim, not over the graphic stuff, but over the stuff that belongs in erotica and not in my non-erotic stories. Like, I don't need beads of glistening sweat on anybody's abs, or supple brea...you get the idea. The sex will be what shows character, to me.

I had one story where a banker from Massachusetts studied poetry in Lyon (while in college, prior to his banking job), and meets a French heroin addict who through their brief, sexual relationship teaches him about social freedom. Their kissing is real, not some mushy-mush movie kissing. Sloppy, drunken, mashing lips, taste of cigarettes and wine and whatever they ate for dinner, their sex was rough and, while not entirely emotionless, not the kind you'd see in a romance either.

The worst thing I think you can do is be forgiving and merciful in a sex scene. You can't back out. You can't get all cute and fuzzy and avoid saying what it is that's happening. Your job is to show us, so if you've decided it's important, then do it right, IMO.

I can see dialog as one way of going about it, certainly.

Here's how it is for me. If I find a book I really love, and while reading find a sex scene, I skip over it. I can write erotica just fine, I just can't read it. For some reason I feel it's an invasion of the writers privacy or something, I dunno. My sister thrives on erotic novels. She expects sex to be as wonderful as people write it to be, which is why she's constantly in a new relationship.

I like writing sex scenes, because I think it's one of my strengths as a writer (I'm not too proud of this - somehow this is just how it worked out), but I agree that it's a very private thing for a writer. It's why I never share my work with anyone I know (I did once, and it was awkward...ugh).

I write romances, but not erotica. I think there's a big difference. I try to make my sex scenes classy, but not too detailed. I definitely don't fade to black, either. But then again, for a romance, I think it's okay and even expected to include sex scenes. Am I right about this? I don't know.

I could name a few books that have sex scenes in it, but aren't too graphic. A recent one I read was "The Reader," which seemed appropriate for the voice and its genre. "The Time Traveler's Wife" also has some sex scenes scattered throughout, although it's never too graphic. I guess I use these books, and others like them, as a guide.

If you're uncomfortable with graphic sex, then focus on mood and sensuality rather than descriptions of the act.

socact said:

I like writing sex scenes, because I think it's one of my strengths as a writer (I'm not too proud of this - somehow this is just how it worked out), but I agree that it's a very private thing for a writer. It's why I never share my work with anyone I know (I did once, and it was awkward...ugh).

I write romances, but not erotica. I think there's a big difference. I try to make my sex scenes classy, but not too detailed. I definitely don't fade to black, either. But then again, for a romance, I think it's okay and even expected to include sex scenes. Am I right about this? I don't know.

I could name a few books that have sex scenes in it, but aren't too graphic. A recent one I read was "The Reader," which seemed appropriate for the voice and its genre. "The Time Traveler's Wife" also has some sex scenes scattered throughout, although it's never too graphic. I guess I use these books, and others like them, as a guide.

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You should be. Sex is one of the hardest (*snerk*) things to write.

Good sex? Even harder. (*snerk* again).

socact said:

I write romances, but not erotica. I think there's a big difference. I try to make my sex scenes classy, but not too detailed. I definitely don't fade to black, either. But then again, for a romance, I think it's okay and even expected to include sex scenes. Am I right about this? I don't know.
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Hardcore erotica is very different from your typical romance novel. But i've read some romance novels bordering on Erotica.

And about romance having sex scenes. I tested this out by going to Wal-Mart, picking up a random romance book, and flipping to the middle. %90 of the time there was a scene with the protagonist having sex with someone.

I'm with scarlet on this. Writing sex well is damned difficult, and doing it should be a source of pride rather than shame.

Everybody "bops," after all, alone or with others. Some just lie about it. There's nothing at all wrong with writing about it to advance your plot, illuminate your characters, or titillate your readers.

Maryn, who tries hard to do all three at once (you ought to see her juggle!)

Hey guys, thanks for the insights. I guess it can be a good thing to be able to write decent sex scenes, since they tend to be fairly important when they come up. I'm not even sure what makes a great sex scene, but based on all the women that keep requesting certain sections of my manuscript, I must be doing something right.

I never understood what erotica was, so thanks also for the info on that. I should check out some other romance subgenres to get a feel for the content, etc.

caitysdad said:

So how does everyone else handle it?

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With rubber gloves.

Rushie said:

I think it depends on the kind of novel and the characters. I think I could write a completely clean inspirational romance about Christian kids who are abstaining until marriage, AND I could write a graphic erotic novel. I should probably use different pen names though...

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Hey Rushie, your username gives a bit of a clue about the kind of sex scenes you will write.

(Only joking...and for thos who didn't get the joke pass on to the next post!)