How Do These Paragraphs Look?

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DwayneA

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How do these paragraphs look? I'm describing the changes Spring brings to my home town.

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For a week now, it's been so warm, the snow has started to melt. Where I live, this usually happens as early as mid-February, to as late as March. Yet it's April, and the field outside my house still looks like a cake covered in a thick layer of white frosting. However, the roads are clearing up in most places.

Through my eyes, the rivers of melted snow between snow and ice resemble rivers flowing through a great canyon. This is what it must feel ike to be an eagle flying through the sky to see such things far below. But melting snow also creates big puddles of water, and we have to watch out for cars driving by. I've had it happen to me several times before, but luckily, I never get drenched.

When I was a kid, I liked to step on the puddles covered with a thin layer of ice and watch as the cracks appeared and grew. Many kids like to splash in the puddles for fun. But now that the sun is now warming up the day at this time of year, those days will soon be over this year.

I enjoy Spring because it's the end of cold weather. I no longer have to walk because I can go biking which is refreshing and good exercise. Many people hate the cold, but no one does more so than those who have to go outside in such weather such as newspaper delivery boys. Spring is the most beautiful time of the year because of all the flowers that grow and bloom. Trees will blossom and recover their leaves. I love the fragrant smell and consider myself lucky to not have hay fever. Several days ago, I saw a squirrel run across the road. The birds are also returning from the south because I can hear them in the morning when I get up. Although I prefer silence, their songs are still a pleasant tune to my ears.
 

Fade

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You might want to ask a mod to move this to share your work. I can't really coment on this because it's not my genre, and maybe you'll get more answers there.
 

DwayneA

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what's transition? How would I write this so that there is transition?
 

Matera the Mad

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The paragraphs need to relate to one another. I'll toss out an example.

Original:
When I was a kid, I liked to step on the puddles covered with a thin layer of ice and watch as the cracks appeared and grew. Many kids like to splash in the puddles for fun. But now that the sun is now warming up the day at this time of year, those days will soon be over this year.

I enjoy Spring because it's the end of cold weather. I no longer have to walk because I can go biking which is refreshing and good exercise. Many people hate the cold, but no one does more so than those who have to go outside in...

Transitioning (and cutting out some repetition)
When I was a kid, I liked to step on the puddles covered with a thin layer of ice and watch as the cracks appeared and grew. Many kids like to splash in the puddles for fun. But now the sun is warming up the day and spring will soon be here.

I enjoy Spring because it's the end of cold weather. I no longer have to walk because I can go biking which is refreshing and good exercise. Many people hate the cold, but no one does more so than those who have to go outside in...

See the diff?
 

DwayneA

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just one. But other than that, how does what I wrote sound?
 

Matera the Mad

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Repetitive, vague. The first paragraph is good, but then entropy sets in with aimlessly circling thoughts. The rivers look like rivers, a bird's song is a nice tune. What comes out at the reader end is not what you have in your mind. Keep at it ;)
 

adktd2bks

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You move through too many images without really giving enough detail of any one. For example, if you're going to talk about how the field of snow is changing in the spring, then focus on the field - are there bare patches where you can see some green grass coming through, are there crocuses poking up around the trees? Are the rabbits and squirrels more frolicky than usual? Are the rivers of water maybe flowing into the street and you can hear the water trickling down the sewer drains (this would be a good example of a transition into what you see on the street). Also get in some detail - birds sing in winter too. What particular birds are you seeing now that it's spring, can you identify their songs over others? What flowers do you particularly like in the spring? etc. etc.
 

dpaterso

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You might want to ask a mod to move this to share your work. I can't really coment on this because it's not my genre, and maybe you'll get more answers there.
I thought I'd give the thread a couple of days here then move it to SYW, so it might get feedback in both venues.

-Derek
 
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