Arrows.

mountainwildfire · Mar 15, 2009

Arrows . . midflight

*grr* I spent like a half-an hour staring at a blinking cursor and trying to think up another way to describe arrows in midflight.

my first scene sort of goes like this:

Silver Tarisan arrows arched toward the sky, and then rained down upon the Gömanians.
They fell, like chess pieces scattered across a floor.

So I need new words to describe flying arrows. . . help?
thankyou . . .

Sarpedon · Mar 15, 2009

Hailstones?
Sparks?
confetti?
dandruff?
raindrops?
ashes?
Stock market prices?

MumblingSage · Mar 15, 2009

Stock market prices?

I want to write a fantasy parody just to use this.

How about 'scattered playing sticks'? I can just picture them skittering over the ground like macabre pick-up-stix.

RichardB · Mar 15, 2009

Silver arrows? Sounds like a goddess dropped the cup that held all of her sewing-needles.

citymouse · Mar 15, 2009

Is it the Gömanians scattered on the ground or the arrows. to me? "chess pieces" suggest Gömanians not arrows.

Also I would substitute arched across for toward.

How about Silver Tarisan arrows arched across the sky, and then fell like a friendly rain upon the Gömanians. The result, however, was anything but friendly.
If you've seen a falling arrow it seems to almost waffle as it drops to earth.

If my interpretation of this scene seems clumsy it's because I don't write battle scenes very well.

C

Puma · Mar 15, 2009

sailed
soared
flew
lifted
screamed

reached their zenith and then
arced in the sun's parhelion and then
shot like water gliders across a pond

Any help? Puma

mountainwildfire · Mar 15, 2009

citymouse said:
Is it the Gömanians scattered on the ground or the arrows. to me "chess pieces" suggest Gömanians not arrows.

Also I would substitute arched across for toward.

How about Silver Tarisan arrows arched across the sky, and then fell like a friendly rain upon the Gömanians. The result, however, was anything but friendly.
If you've seen a falling arrow it seems to almost waffle as it drops to earth.

If my interpretation of this scene seems clumsy it's because I don't write battle scenes very well.

C

So it isn't very clear that the Gomanians are what fell like chess pieces?

mountainwildfire · Mar 15, 2009

RichardB said:
Silver arrows? Sounds like a goddess dropped the cup that held all of her sewing-needles.

That's not exactly how I pictured it. lol.

citymouse · Mar 15, 2009

mountainwildfire said:
So it isn't very clear that the Gomanians are what fell like chess pieces?

I read it as Gomanians, however, it did read oddly to my eye and I had to read again. My thought was if I had to stop and go over the line a reader might too.
C

mountainwildfire · Mar 15, 2009

okay how about . . .
The Gomanians fell like chess pieces scattered across a floor. . .

this is just the first draft so of my entire two pages of junk, this is probably the only paragraph that actually kind of sounds clear lol. . .

citymouse · Mar 15, 2009

Sounds good to me.
First drafts make me crazy. When I revisit them I think I should forget writing and take up cat hair macramé! lol
C

mountainwildfire said:
okay how about . . .
The Gomanians fell like chess pieces scattered across a floor. . .

this is just the first draft so of my entire two pages of junk, this is probably the only paragraph that actually kind of sounds clear lol. . .

RichardB · Mar 16, 2009

And while we're at it, I don't like the scattering chess pieces. Captured chess pieces get placed to the side of the board, standing up. Also does chess exist in your world at this particular time? Think about what we should feel about these guys and how they're dying. Do they all fall down at once? In rows or waves? One by one at random? Is this a glorious thing, a sad thing, or a Klingon opera-sad-glorious thing? Then choose thy metaphor wisely. Metaphors are a device to signal the reader what s/he should feel.

Willowmound · Mar 16, 2009

mountainwildfire said:
ö

I hope you know how to pronounce that letter. It's not just a pretty o. It's not an o at all, in fact.

Arrows.

mountainwildfire

Sarpedon

MumblingSage

Inarticulate Herb

RichardB

THIS! IS!! VENNNNNICE!!!!

citymouse

fantasy dweller

Puma

Retired and loving it!

mountainwildfire

mountainwildfire

citymouse

fantasy dweller

mountainwildfire

citymouse

fantasy dweller

RichardB

THIS! IS!! VENNNNNICE!!!!

Willowmound

Lightly salted