Call the waaahmbulance; my finishing anxiety has just flared up something chronic

[scarletpeaches]

This is a bit of a hybrid thread. Goals and Accomplishments because I'm over 94k into my WIP and it shows no signs of stopping and also Rejection and Dejection because...well, I'm over 94k into my WIP and it shows no signs of stopping. :eek:

A bit of background. Last year on the 31st of October I had no idea what I was going to write for NaNoWriMo until just before midnight I said to myself, "Ah, fudge it. I'll just make up a couple of characters, fling them together and get them drunk."

That's more or less what I did, but the first 10k was like pulling teeth. According to thethinker42, "You'll be all right once you cross 10k. After that you'll be coasting."

"Pfft," said I, and "pfft," again.

Turns out, in November I did 50k, 25k in December, 10k in January and next to nothing in February.

Don't worry. I've got my mojo back as in March I've done nearly 10,000 words already which brings me up to 95k-ish.

But.

Now I'm starting to get nervous, because apart from my crapitudinous trunk novel fourteen years ago, this is the longest thing I've ever written and now I know what editing is all about, I'm overwhelmed. I know I have to stay true to the story and write what needs to be written. I can't just cut in and say "The End," because I don't want to have to edit too many pages later on, but...damn. This is going on and on.

Barring some major tightening, cutting out of Bobbery and reversing the telling-not-showing I am prone to when I'm not in the zone, the story itself is good and I love, love, love my characters.

But you know me - I have finishing anxiety. Too scared of rejection to get to the end without going mad. If I never finish, I can't query. If I never query, I can't get knocked back, right?

The thing is, I've just been looking at my print out of the novel so far and my stomach churned at the thought of how long it's going to take to edit. I figure if I'm super fast and super disciplined, two months. More than likely longer. Which isn't too bad, but...if I'd known way back in November how big this thing would be on the first draft, I'd have been...well, jittery, let's put it that way.

Don't get me wrong. It's been a joy to write. The characters are the most fun of any I've ever written. Bar none. The banter's funny, the sex is hot, their motivations are clear...at least, I hope. Maybe I'm just too in love with my own creations.

It shouldn't be this much fun, should it? I shouldn't laugh at things my characters say and think, "I wish I'd thought of that...oh wait, I did!"

I think I feel guilty for having this much fun. And the guilt makes me consider the possibility I'm the only one who can't see my baby is ugly. And that in turn makes me feel sick at the thought of not getting anywhere with something that's occupied my thoughts for so long. Yeah, only four months but I haven't deviated once. This is the first time in well over a decade that I've stuck to one project for so long. I haven't even wanted to commit literary adultery.

I don't want the past four months to have been a waste of my time.

I want to get this damn thing finished and off my hands.

But...what if, what if, what if.

I could be the only one who rates it.

And I'm probably mad for doing so anyway. What if my ugly little baby has a face only a mother could love?

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I love my characters so much I want everyone else to love them too. I'm freaking out like never before.

ACK!!!

*struggles against nice jacket with sleeves that tie at the back and bounces off the padded wallpaper*

PS: And there's no way this thing will come in at under 110k for draft number the first.

[Sophia]

Stop whining and bloody well finish it. What are you, soft?

[scarletpeaches]

:ROFL: Point taken. :D

[scarletpeaches]

To be serious, though, I've always been the sort of person who's said, as ElaraSophia did, "Shut up and write." So I'm kinda asking for trouble starting a thread like this. I guess I just need a "Whinge, okay, done. Back to work," moment.

But it's weird. This book's different. Maybe I want it to meet with success more than anything else I've written.

Oh well. Best get on with it...

[thethinker42]

I've read it. It's good. It's very good.

It's going to be over 100K because that's how long THIS STORY demands to be. And I think you and I both know that if [your male MC] says something is going to be a certain way, well, that's the way it's going to be. [Your female MC] doesn't argue with him, and you'd be wise not to argue with him either. He are wise.

Reaching the end is always nerve-wracking. Been there, done that. Editing is nerve-wracking. Querying is nerve-wracking. But it's no more or less nerve-wracking than starting it, writing chapter 7, writing chapter 27, or getting past a stubborn plot point.

Life is too short to spend worrying about what-if's, particularly when you have a story like THAT on your hands.

In short:

GERRONWI GERRINIT WRIT.

[firedrake]

Just finish the bugger.

You have a story which is begging to be told so, as the Thinker42 said, gerron withit.

Somehow, I doubt that it sucks. But, yup, when it's done, it's scary putting it 'out there'.

Good luck!

[scarletpeaches]

I was just saying to Lori on MSN, I've always been the type to say to other people "STFU and write," and that's just what I need to hear now.

In a way it's humbled me because I think, "Well, it can happen to me, too. I deserve a harsh talking to because I've dished out plenty in my time."

If I was just after a session of mental masturbation I'd deserve a slap, but it's really not that, it's just..."Tell me I'm not mad and I'll carry on. Be harsh but not cruel." :D

[thethinker42]

Somehow, I doubt that it sucks. But, yup, when it's done, it's scary putting it 'out there'.

Trust me. It does NOT suck. I've written enough that DOES suck to be able to say, on very good authority, that her WIP does. not. suck.

[thethinker42]

I was just saying to Lori on MSN, I've always been the type to say to other people "STFU and write," and that's just what I need to hear now.

In a way it's humbled me because I think, "Well, it can happen to me, too. I deserve a harsh talking to because I've dished out plenty in my time."

If I was just after a session of mental masturbation I'd deserve a slap, but it's really not that, it's just..."Tell me I'm not mad and I'll carry on. Be harsh but not cruel." :D

STFU AND WRITE.

[scarletpeaches]

*is chastened*

[thethinker42]

*is chastened*

[swpauthor]

Hmmm...My first thought is: Get a Shrink.

But seriously, paralysis of analysis has taken its toll on me too, so I suggest you go for a nice long run or workout or just kick back with a beer.

Then... when you can't stand the suspense any longer...

Throw the work into a crit circle and wait for the feeding frenzy to settle. After they've shredded it to pieces, you will have renewed inspiration to tackle that ending!:hooray:

[firedrake]

I was just saying to Lori on MSN, I've always been the type to say to other people "STFU and write," and that's just what I need to hear now.

In a way it's humbled me because I think, "Well, it can happen to me, too. I deserve a harsh talking to because I've dished out plenty in my time."

If I was just after a session of mental masturbation I'd deserve a slap, but it's really not that, it's just..."Tell me I'm not mad and I'll carry on. Be harsh but not cruel." :D

I think we all get these moments. I know when I'd finished the first book and edited it and thought, "Well, do I let it sit on my computer and fester, or do I really do something with it this time? Oh, God, if I started querying I'll get rejected and I'll cry..." Then I decided, 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' and that's my motto. I like the book, my friends and family loved it, the lovely Samantha's Song enjoyed it so...wtf, go for it.

Good things do happen to writers, there's evidence of that all over AW. I'm actually pretty intrigued by what you've said about your book, I'd read it. :D

[scarletpeaches]

I have something incredibly wanky and pretentious to say about this WIP but I'll wait until my head's stopped buzzing with worry.

ETA: Ah heck, here goes. Like I've said, I love the characters. And I described the feeling I have about them to Lori and she said it was exactly the same feeling she had about PWF before it was contracted for publication.

I have a previous WIP I loved and at the time it was the best thing I'd ever written. The first thing I wrote while attempting to incorporate the rules on head-jumping, dialogue attribution, Bobbery, telling-not-showing, etc. And I still think it'll fly. If I get around to submitting it.

But this WIP is like, "Okay, apprenticeship over. This is the real deal now. If you ever make a career out of writing, this is where it started."

And the fact Lori said, "That's how I felt about PWF," (which just happens to be DUE FOR PUBLICATION SOON) made me go, :eek:

I'm having trouble separating thoughts of ambition from the possibility it was a premonition almost. It happened to Lori after all.

There. Said it was wanky.

[thethinker42]

Hmmm...My first thought is: Get a Shrink.

She doesn't need one: She has me.

I'm cheaper, more available, and far less qualified.

[IdiotsRUs]

*slaps SP briskly round the head and neck*

This is what is going to happen

you finish it

you query it

you sell it

you take us all down the pub to celebrate.

k?

now just bloody do it woman!

[Wayne K]

I got to "the sex is hot" and shut down mentally. I have no idea how that post ends, but it kept my attention that long: long enough to have a small anxiety attack of my own.

I feel you.

Finish and send it out. I don't make a secret of the fact that I love your way with words and your whimsey. Get it done I need a new favorite author. I'm reading Slaughterhouse 5 for the second and it's better than the first. I would put it down to read your book though.

My honest opinion.

[scarletpeaches]

I got to "the sex is hot" and shut down mentally. I have no idea how that post ends, but it kept my attention that long: long enough to have a small anxiety attack of my own.

I feel you.

Finish and send it out. I don't make a secret of the fact that I love your way with words and your whimsey. Get it done I need a new favorite author. I'm reading Slaughterhouse 5 for the second and it's better than the first. I would put it down to read your book though.

My honest opinion.

I wish.

[CaroGirl]

What's wrong with a first draft coming in at 110K? I'd kill for a first draft that long. But then, I'm weird and love to cut. It might take a long time to edit but ya cain't edit what ain't writ. So keep going. Stop doubting.

You can do it. This might be The One.

[willietheshakes]

I wanted to offer words of encouragement, a place of safety, a thank you for what must have been a difficult post to write...

Ah, screw that.

Finish the damn thing. Then, when you're starting to edit, think to yourself "Well, at least it's not 350,000 words" and laugh contemptuously toward Canada...

[scarletpeaches]

Can't I just point and laugh now?

[Cranky]

I'd be happy to give you a sharp smack and a stern talkin' to, but that would make me a flaming hypocrite, given that I haven't actually finished anything in...well, let's just say it's been far too long.

How's about I just commiserate, then, and watch other people smack you around? :D

[scarletpeaches]

I knew you guys would be sympathetic give me what I need. :D

[willietheshakes]

Can't I just point and laugh now?

Well, so long as you're clear what you're pointing and laughing at...

(ponders getting a t-shirt made, but has to decide between "Too long IS a big problem" and "Length is a shortcoming")

[dgrintalis]

Okay, I'm still a newbie here, but I wanted to add to everyone else. Finish it!

I am very good about starting novels and then not finishing them. Writing that is, reading is easy. I finished my first one last month and just sat back, thinking how in the hell did that happen? Now, I am editing and in truth, rewriting a great deal because I realized that I started with the first part of the story and then told the second part of it, without meaning to. I, too, really like my characters, even my baddies.

Keep going! (I don't know you well enough to say shut up and keep going, but if I did...)

:)

[scarletpeaches]

Oh, tell me to shut up anyway. Then you'd truly be one of us. :D

[NeuroFizz]

You did know I was going to poke my nose in here, didn't you? Well, it's not really me. It's John Wooden, and you know right well what he is about to say:

"Never mistake activity for achievement."

**shoves the old man out of the way (in a gentle way, of course)**

Well, what do you want? To be busy, or to achieve something?

**taps foot, waiting...**

[scarletpeaches]

I was waiting for you. :D

(The foot tapping rings a bell...Lori does that a lot on MSN. And I mean A LOT. She's probably trying to tell me something...) ;)

[Perks]

I'm so with you, SP. I've got a project that is probably the best thing I've ever written and I'd go see a shrink to help me figure out why I haven't gone the distance if I didn't know damn full well that it would just be another way to procrastinate.

I feel like a crazy person.

I know that's neither inspirational, nor helpful, but... well... there you go. I'm useless here, too.

[Cranky]

I was waiting for you. :D

(The foot tapping rings a bell...Lori does that a lot on MSN. And I mean A LOT. She's probably trying to tell me something...) ;)

*taps foot* (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZxfRpL5GVo)

[scarletpeaches]

Oh, I meant to add. The one good thing to come out of this thread is the fact IdiotsRUs and I now have a 'thing' arranged by rep points whereby when I'm published, we both lay down a tenner for the one of us who drinks a pint of absinthe the quickest.

What? I'm Scottish and therefore genetically programmed to be a pisshead!

[Perks]

IdiotsRUs and I now have a 'thing' arranged by rep points whereby when I'm published, we both lay down a tenner for the one of us who drinks a pint of absinthe the quickest.

So you want all your royalty checks to be forwarded to the executor of your estate?

[scarletpeaches]

Like I said, I'm Scottish.

Guts of steel, me.

Now, where'd I leave that stomach pump?

[NeuroFizz]

Now, where'd I leave that stomach pump?

A haggis* pump? Brings to mind the Willie Nelson line in whatever-the-movie-was, where he was looking for a woman who could suck the chrome off a bumper hitch.


*that's a little "h" haggis, not a big "H" Haggis, little-big doggie.

[dgrintalis]

Oh, tell me to shut up anyway. Then you'd truly be one of us. :D

Well, since you asked, and since I am a redhaired American of Scottish/Irish descent, mixed in with a bit of Native American...

SHUT UP AND FINISH THE DAMN THING!!

[thethinker42]

I was waiting for you. :D

(The foot tapping rings a bell...Lori does that a lot on MSN. And I mean A LOT. She's probably trying to tell me something...) ;)

And it take a post from FizzyMan to get that through your head...

[scarletpeaches]

He makes more sense than you.

[thethinker42]

He makes more sense than you.

That's not what you said last night.

[NeuroFizz]

You two weren't supposed to mention last night...

[thethinker42]

You two weren't supposed to mention last night...

I was talking about the other thing that happened last night. After you left.

[Chumplet]

Wrap it up and git to the editing. You're ready. My 'breakthrough' MS has been hovering around 40K for the last three years. I WISH I could be in your position right now!

[NeuroFizz]

I was talking about the other thing that happened last night. After you left.
I thought the cigarettes you two were smoking smelled kind of funny...

[thethinker42]

I thought the cigarettes you two were smoking smelled kind of funny...

They're the ones you brought over last time, so...

[IdiotsRUs]

Oh, I meant to add. The one good thing to come out of this thread is the fact IdiotsRUs and I now have a 'thing' arranged by rep points whereby when I'm published, we both lay down a tenner for the one of us who drinks a pint of absinthe the quickest.

What? I'm Scottish and therefore genetically programmed to be a pisshead!

No way you're winning that - I'm part Scot, part Viking - I was born pissed. :D

[scarletpeaches]

Half Italian, half Scottish, with an Irish surname.

There's alcohol in my DNA! :D

[CaroGirl]

Are you done yet? ;)

I'm first generation Canadian, born of Scottish immigrants. I love both poutine and a stiff G&T. But not at the same time (live and learn, eh).