Guys i need some help.

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Scott Bryan

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Right guys ive come up with a starting point can you rate it out of a scale of 1 being bad and 10 being excellent please. I also need some ideas to carrey on from this. Here it is: Hearing the waves lash against the bow of our Gunship we stood there looking at Germany. One man next to me was smoking a cigarette, on the over side of me was a man just staring at the Flak cannon’s destruction in the sky.
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James81

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Is English a second language to you?

Cause I'm not sure I understand what you are asking.
 

Scott Bryan

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Is English a second language to you?

Cause I'm not sure I understand what you are asking.
i am english practically what do you think of it out of a scale of 1 to 10 and i dunno how to continue this
 

KosseMix

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Have you considered trying to start your book at the point where your characters can no longer go back to a normal life? Does something special happen to them in Germany? If so, maybe start there.

I've read that this is bad sentence structure:
"Hearing the waves lash against the bow of the gunship, we stood . . "

It's completely up to you, but you might want to consider avoiding those. John Gardner goes into detail explaining why they're weak in this book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0679734031/?tag=absolutewritedm-20
 

Kitty Pryde

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Welcome to AW, Jack! I will be honest with you: the action is interesting but the writing isn't very good. But don't even worry about that! Two great ways to improve your writing are:
-write more! so keep going. even if you're afraid it might be lousy, keep writing!
-hang out on AW and read the forum and learn a ton of stuff about writing from your fellow writers.

Now go! Write and read!
 

James81

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Hearing the waves lash against the bow of our Gunship we stood there looking at Germany. One man next to me was smoking a cigarette, on the over side of me was a man just staring at the Flak cannon’s destruction in the sky.

Comma needed after "Gunship." How do you look at Germany? Instead of a comma, you need a semicolon after cigarette. "over" should be "other."

The passage itself is kinda clumsy. It's decent enough, but could be tightened up quite a bit.

4 out of 10 based on grammar and clumsiness alone.
 

Scott Bryan

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hmmm the thing im going to do though is like they get stuck on a beach head and that they have to work as a team to survive also there will be something like a flashback of a sailor which will show his past life and his family.
 

Scott Bryan

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Comma needed after "Gunship." How do you look at Germany? Instead of a comma, you need a semicolon after cigarette. "over" should be "other."

The passage itself is kinda clumsy. It's decent enough, but could be tightened up quite a bit.

4 out of 10 based on grammar and clumsiness alone.
you cant expect alot out of me im only fucking 13
 

Scott Bryan

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and ty

Welcome to AW, Jack! I will be honest with you: the action is interesting but the writing isn't very good. But don't even worry about that! Two great ways to improve your writing are:
-write more! so keep going. even if you're afraid it might be lousy, keep writing!
-hang out on AW and read the forum and learn a ton of stuff about writing from your fellow writers.

Now go! Write and read!
thanks for the welcome
 

Kitty Pryde

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Ease up, Jack! On the internet nobody knows if you're a kid, an old lady, or a literate grizzly bear! You asked for feedback and you got it. Like I said earlier, your writing needs improvement, and a great way to improve it is to write more. Now go and write and don't worry about people on the internet criticizing your sentence structure.
 

Birol

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That's a good question right now.
you cant expect alot out of me im only fucking 13

First, we can expect a whole lot from you, because this is a writing site intended for serious writers, most of whom are, or intend to become, professionals.

Second, the first and foremost rule of this site is "Respect your fellow writer." What that means is you treat every individual here exactly as you would treat a stranger on the street. With courtesy and basic civility. You asked a question. You received an answer. An honest, legitimate answer. You will not be permitted to lash out simply because you did not hear what you wanted to hear.

Finally, the age you are claiming does not match the age in your profile. Did you lie when you registered? I'm pretty certain that would be a violation of the ToS.

Jack, I am advising you to take a step back and consider how you wish to present yourself and to participate in this community. If you continue on the path you are now, you will not be a member of this community.

This thread is better suited for the Sandbox or SYW. Normally, I would move it. Because of the unfortunate start this one has taken, though, I am going to close it and give you an opportunity for a fresh start.
 
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