a basic editing question

Looks to me like a period for each of them. I'd also suggest taking out "before continuing" before the last quote (and putting a period after paused) so it'll read simply, John paused. Hope that helps.

I'd avoid making this into one big long sentence with commas, and you don't need to point out what's already obvious ("as he informed the others around him of the situation"). Breaking it up into short sentences will do the biz, e.g. and just for fun's sake,

John pointed to a spot on the map. [details? foothills? jungle?] The others leaned in close to see. "This is our location." He moved his finger to another spot. [where, in relation to the first spot?] "This is where the plane crashed." John folded the map and put it back in his combat vest's chest pocket. "I want to move out in five mikes." John paused before continuing. [why? does he look at their tense faces?] "Remember, we leave no foot prints."

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Each of the questioned punctuations should be periods.

Suggestion: Instead of John paused before continuing, consider describing what John was doing while he paused. Maybe he made eye contact with one person? Glanced around the room at everyone? Looked down at the floor? Took a deep breath? Ran his finger under his collar?

Do you really need all the stage directions?

John informed the others around him of the situation and indicated the map.

"Here is where we are, and this is where the plane crashed." [we understand from his dialogue that he is pointing out different places. i dont think we need be told that he moves his finger to another spot. also saying "he moved his finger to another spot" is both kind of strange and vague. a) he moved his finger sounds like his finger is detached and he's moving it like a chess piece, and "to another spot" is very vague. also, it's not really a spot. it's a location on a map. I don't know if this is from John's POV or someone else's but they sound like combat-trained men. Whoever's POV this is, that person would never think "a spot on a map". that person would think "location"]

John folded the map and put it back in the chest pocket of his combat vest.

"I want to move out in five mikes." He looked at his men. "Remember, we leave no footprints."

Concise, accurate, authentic detail, and no need to mention every single movement when the dialogue is clear about what is happening. Remember, a book is not a movie. We don't have to "see" everything, we just have to be able to imagine it.

And welcome to the board.

All of the suggestions upstream are good ones, including the trimming of "stage directions" mentioned by Nevada. Now, consider the tone of this part of the scene. Is this a really tense time for the characters? If so, use the short, choppy sentences in some of the revision suggestions above, to help put the readers on edge. If it isn't a tense part of the scene/chapter, you may want to really trim down the actions and get to the important dialogue. If any part of the dialogue is particularly crucial to what happens next (or later), you may want to isolate that portion of the dialogue with an action beat to emphasize it relative to the rest of the dialogue. Finally, if you don't want to put the reader on edge, you may want to vary the length of the various sentences to go for a better rhythm for the entire passage.

Based on what my copy editor just did to similar sentences in my book, I'd do it like this:

John pointed to a spot on the map as he informed the others around him of the situation. "This is our location,"--He moved his finger to another spot--"this is were the plane crashed." John folded the map and put it back in his chest pocket of his combat vest. "I want to move out in five mikes." John paused before continuing "Remember we leave no foot prints."

From a style standpoint, I'd suggest streamlining it though. It's awkward to read a lot of talk--move--talk paragraphs. Something more like:

John pointed to a spot on the map. "This is our location,"--He moved his finger to another spot--"this is were the plane crashed. I want to move out in five mikes." He folded the map and put it back in his chest pocket of his combat vest. "Remember we leave no foot prints."

I might add something to the reason they're looking at the map. "This is where the plane crashed. We can see this peak from the cabin," he said pointing. "We'll use it as our point of reference."

I's also add a reason for the pause: He stopped to examine his team.

RJK said:

I's also add a reason for the pause: He stopped to examine his team.

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I'm sorry, but I'm going to disagree with you on this. What does "examine" mean? does he tell them to strip and he gives them the once over like a doctor? does he give them all a written test to make sure they are proficient in their job? Does he go through all their equipment to make sure it's up to snuff? Does he interrogate them? it's too vague. examine can mean too many things.

a: to inspect closely b: to test the condition of c: to inquire into carefully : investigate2 a: to interrogate closely <examine a prisoner> b: to test by questioning in order to determine progress, fitness, or knowledge.

If you're going to give stage directions, be specific. Every word counts. Nothing's a throwaway. When people say to write tight, they don't just mean cut out everything you possibly can. it means look at every word. it's a lot of work but that's how your writing becomes better.

nevada said:

I'm sorry, but I'm going to disagree with you on this. What does "examine" mean? does he tell them to strip and he gives them the once over like a doctor? does he give them all a written test to make sure they are proficient in their job? Does he go through all their equipment to make sure it's up to snuff? Does he interrogate them? it's too vague. examine can mean too many things.

a: to inspect closely b: to test the condition of c: to inquire into carefully : investigate2 a: to interrogate closely <examine a prisoner> b: to test by questioning in order to determine progress, fitness, or knowledge.

If you're going to give stage directions, be specific. Every word counts. Nothing's a throwaway. When people say to write tight, they don't just mean cut out everything you possibly can. it means look at every word. it's a lot of work but that's how your writing becomes better.

Click to expand...

Maybe he's examining their footwear. "Remember, we leave no footprints."

@ nevada - don't get your knickers in a twist. The first definition for examine is inspect closely. Were I to lead a team on a critical mission, I'd 'closely inspect' each member, particularly to insure they leave no footprints.

RJK said:

@ nevada - don't get your knickers in a twist. The first definition for examine is inspect closely. Were I to lead a team on a critical mission, I'd 'closely inspect' each member, particularly to insure they leave no footprints.

Click to expand...

my knickers are not in a twist, thank you very much. all i'm saying is there are very many definitions of examine. if the writer means he inspects his troops closely, then the writer should say that. or ever better, show it. that would not be stage direction, that would show a vital part of the character in that he makes sure that everything is correct. a commander who does not inspect his troops before a mission is a very different kind of commander than one who does. and saying "he examines them" is not specific enough to show that. but i guess you and i are different types of writers.

and leave my underwear out of this.

ETA: when i say you and i are different types of writers, i only meant that i have a tendency to overanalyze and overthink everything. thats all. i swear. really. honestly. uh huh.

Bah, grammar. grammar can be learnt. I learned all my grammar in a different language. I caught up as i had to after I came to Canada.

Here's a good site for basic grammar stuff. and remember, you're a fiction writer. if you can stylistically make it work, grammar can be ignored. but only if you're really good. you know what they say. you can't break a rule successfully if you dont know the rule in the first place. lol

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/

Good luck.