Which one do you like better? Poll included

Cassiopeia · Jan 15, 2009

Please pick which of these sentences you like best and explain why you like it. Or if you don't like either one, how you would write it.

Thanks

Rolling Thunder · Jan 15, 2009

I'm thinking there's a note in the bottle, Cassi?

smoothseas · Jan 15, 2009

Cassiopeia said:
Please pick which of these sentences you like best and explain why you like it. Or if you don't like either one, how you would write it. Thanks

The empty bottle washed up on the shore as the evening tide rolled in.

Not only is it tighter, but I think it reads better.

Don · Jan 15, 2009

I voted for the tighter version too.

MsK · Jan 15, 2009

Tight got my vote

nevada · Jan 15, 2009

Why does it have to be one sentence? why not just get to the point.

The evening tide washed the empty bottle ashore.

you dont have to say the tide is rolling in. for one thing, that's sort of cliche-ish and for another, if it's washing things into the shore it's obviously rolling in otherwise it would be sucking them out.

Did i pass?

nevada · Jan 15, 2009

Rolling Thunder said:
I'm thinking there's a note in the bottle, Cassi?

if it had a note, the bottle wouldn't be empty. padumpum

thank you i'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress.

Cassiopeia · Jan 15, 2009

nevada said:
Why does it have to be one sentence? why not just get to the point. you dont have to say the tide is rolling in. for one thing, that's sort of cliche-ish and for another, if it's washing things into the shore it's obviously rolling in otherwise it would be sucking them out.

Did i pass?

yes yes, cliche-ish but we all love the imagery of a good cliche now and again.

Though I do like your version too. Thanks

sheadakota · Jan 15, 2009

An empty bottle washed ashore with the evening tide.

a slightly different version of Nevada's. Short, sweet and to the point and it puts the bottle front and center.

Cassiopeia · Jan 15, 2009

sheadakota said:
An empty bottle washed ashore with the evening tide.

a slightly different version of Nevada's. Short, sweet and to the point and it puts the bottle front and center.

Yes but is it passive with the use of the word "An"?

Or can we use THE in place of AN?

Inky · Jan 15, 2009

2nd sentence.
Less tongue-tying.

seun · Jan 15, 2009

Option 2 for me. Ditto on the tighter angle.

Duncan J Macdonald · Jan 15, 2009

"The bottle washed ashore with the tide."

The fact that it's evening can be brought out elsewhere, and the Main Character can be the one to determine the bottle's emptyness.

Cassiopeia · Jan 15, 2009

Duncan J Macdonald said:
"The bottle washed ashore with the tide."

The fact that it's evening can be brought out elsewhere, and the Main Character can be the one to determine the bottle's emptyness.

Another interesting perspective, thanks

ccarver30 · Jan 15, 2009

I have a problem ending a sentence with a preposition.

Cassiopeia · Jan 15, 2009

ccarver30 said:
I have a problem ending a sentence with a preposition.

So do I but we see it done all time. So how would you rewrite this sentence?

DeleyanLee · Jan 15, 2009

Duncan J Macdonald said:
"The bottle washed ashore with the tide."

He beat me to what I was thinking.

Charlie Horse · Jan 15, 2009

I voted neither. Empty bottles washing up on shore scare me.

Cassiopeia · Jan 15, 2009

LOL. I love this. You guys are great. Hey Charlie, are you saying then this would be a good opening for a thriller?

Inky · Jan 15, 2009

Rolling Thunder said:
I'm thinking there's a note in the bottle, Cassi?

It's from Cray.
Dear RT,
Can you please rescue me by changing my avatar to Tinky Winky?
I've wished upon a star, and I just know, kind sir, that if I close my eyes, and pray with alllll of my might, maybe, just MAYBE you'll grant my one and only wish.

Sincerely,
your most dedicated fan,

Cray

Cassiopeia · Jan 15, 2009

Inky said:
It's from Cray.
Dear RT,
Can you please rescue me by changing my avatar to Tinky Winky?
I've wished upon a star, and I just know, kind sir, that if I close my eyes, and pray with alllll of my might, maybe, just MAYBE you'll grant my one and only wish.

Sincerely,
your most dedicated fan,

Cray

*shakes with laughter*

STOP THAT!

ccarver30 · Jan 15, 2009

Cassiopeia said:
So do I but we see it done all time. So how would you rewrite this sentence?

I voted for the first pick.

AnonymousWriter · Jan 15, 2009

Second sentence got my vote.

Cassiopeia · Jan 15, 2009

ccarver30 said:
I voted for the first pick.

aha! Thanks for voting. It's interesting, don't you think?

I've actually written something different from those two from the suggestions:

[FONT=&quot]The old bottle washed ashore with the tide.
[/FONT]

Inky · Jan 15, 2009

I like this better, but instead of 'old', because how would one really know how long it was in the water, do a bit more...dunno...barnicle-covered bottle...something that SHOWS it's been in the water a really long time...

maybe Google bottles found in ocean and then click on image & one will pop up giving you a visual you could describe in one or two words...

Which one do you like better? Poll included

Which would you choose?

The empty bottle washed up on the shore as the tide rolled in for the evening.

The empty bottle washed up on the shore as the evening tide rolled in.

Neither: I have my own idea of how to write this.

Otherwise Occupied

Life sucks... Then ya die...

All Living is Local

Otherwise Occupied

part of the human equation

Otherwise Occupied

Eat, Sleep, Write...

Horror Man

Plotting! Not Plodding!

Otherwise Occupied

Nicole Castro

Otherwise Occupied

Writing Anarchist

Speaking in metaphors

Otherwise Occupied

Eat, Sleep, Write...

Otherwise Occupied

Nicole Castro

Otherwise Occupied

Eat, Sleep, Write...