How Do These Paragraphs Look?

Status
Not open for further replies.

DwayneA

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 5, 2006
Messages
1,419
Reaction score
55
These few paragraphs describe a few hours of my life today.

I pushed back the covers and climbed out of bed at 7:15. The thermometer outside the kitchen window read thirty two below zero. Even in a thick long sleeved shirt and pants that I slept in, I still felt a slight chill underneathe, so I hated to think how bad it would be if I was only in my underwear.

Mercifully, there was no windchill outside as I did my paper route. It was still dark out, but the horizon was colored a deep green and yellow to indicate the approaching dawn. The street lights were off at this time, but I could still see what lay before me all the way. Covered in snow, my surroundings reminded me of vanilla icing on a giant cake.

By the time I was finished, the sun had risen over the horizon, turning the sky in that direction a mixture of pink and yellow. Smoke rising out of chimneys came out with a pinkish hue. I felt lucky to have my work finished for the day although others were just starting. My fingers were numb and freezing and my mustache was starting to collect ice. All I wanted now was to sit down by the furnace at home and eat my breakfast.
 

Maryn

I Tried
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
64,069
Reaction score
42,989
Location
Behind you!
It's not awful, but it's not as good as you can make it with another pass with the goal of punching it up.

IMO, the most visible weaknesses are wishy-washy verbs and a slight tendency toward wordiness. Consider the second paragraph. Its verbs are was, did, was, was, were, could see, reminded. It's 66 words. It's not bad by any means, but it could be made tighter and somewhat more colorful while becoming shorter. Here's a one-pass attempt to do that, resulting in 34 words: Mercifully, no windchill worsened my paper route. Deep green and yellow oozed at the horizon, indicating dawn’s approach. The snow cover iced the giant cake of my surroundings, clearly visible even without street lights. Yeah, I know, not deathless prose or anything, but it lops off almost 50% of your word count and with a little rearranging and different verbs, conveys the same information.

Whether it's better, or the sort of writing you're trying to do, is your decision, of course.

Maryn, not sure this is very helpful but hoping it is
 

RJK

Sheriff Bullwinkle the Poet says:
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 6, 2007
Messages
3,415
Reaction score
440
Location
Lewiston, NY
Nice descriptive sentences. Some wordiness here and there, but overall, very good. You could add the sense of hearing to your description. How quiet the world is at that tempurature. only the crunching of your footsteps on the snow. That sort of thing. Also the burning feeling of the cold air touching your exposed skin. Put the reader in your boots, walking in those frozen streets right next to you.
 
Last edited:

Jerry B. Flory

under the Milky Way
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 26, 2008
Messages
1,299
Reaction score
467
Location
On the stage.
Except for this word right here Mercifully It's excellent. I see your neighborhood and know what you're going through.
Now, if you want to expand on the cold just a little, think about how it makes your cheeks feel.
Good concise paragraphs, man.
 

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 9, 2005
Messages
16,767
Reaction score
4,662
Location
Scotland
I think it flows fine, Dwayne. It is a smooth read because it has achieved clarity through simplicity in that you've focused on what you wanted to get across and said what you wanted to without digressing and padding.

Nice work.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.