Said bookisms: what if the character really whispers the line?

underthecity · Dec 22, 2008

I understand the concept of "said bookisms," that is, substituting other words for "said." In fact, it seems I need to trim quite a few from my story.

But what if the character reallys whispers the line? Or yells it? How do you get the point across if you're not allowed to write "she whispered"?

vixey · Dec 22, 2008

I think you can use 'she whispered' or you could say 'she lowered her voice'. IMHO It's the overuse of 'said bookisms' that are a problem.

Gillhoughly · Dec 22, 2008

You're allowed to have "she whispered."

Really. You are.

Cranky · Dec 22, 2008

vixey said:
I think you can use 'she whispered' or you could say 'she lowered her voice'. IMHO It's the overuse of 'said bookisms' that are a problem.

Yep. Don't let yourself get too bound up in the "rules". If she whispered, she whispered.

The Lonely One · Dec 22, 2008

Hmm well, for "she whispered," I do this:

"What's happening?" she whispered.
"They're killing him. They're killing him. Jesus--"
"Shh. They'll kill us too if they find us here."

Using italics seems to work for me when there are a bunch of "whispers" going back and forth. reverse the italics for emphasis, etc.

Here's where said bookisms don't work:

"I hate you!" John screamed hatefully, slamming the door multiple times on the fingers of his used-to-be best friend.
"But you're my best friend!" Josh belted painfully, having his fingers slammed in the door multiple more times by John, his used-to-be best friend.

What's ridiculous is that, without much more subtlety than is used here, this type of thing is quite common. It's a scene crutch, or else superfluous and repetitive (and, to a sensitive reader, insulting).

"I hate you," John said (or yelled, if you must, but leave off the adverb). He slammed Josh's fingers in the door.

"But, you're my best friend." Josh whimpered, but kept his fingers in the slamming door to keep it from closing forever ~~on their friendship.~~ <---even this I think is too much. I decided to snip it.

Not perfect, but better I think. The scene talks without repeating emotions.

maestrowork · Dec 22, 2008

Whisper is fine. Or any manners of speaking that can't be easily indicated by the dialogue or action: shout, yell, mutter, mumble, bellow, etc.

And like others said, it's the overuse of such that is the problem. If the characters shout, yell, mutter, and whisper all the time, it gets really tiresome.

Said-bookism is only silly when you replace the "said" with something that can easily be done with dialogue alone -- it's redundancy: reply, retort, answer, respond, etc. Worse, words that have nothing to do with "saying" something: laugh, giggle, sigh, shrug, hiss...

But what if the character reallys whispers the line? Or yells it? How do you get the point across if you're not allowed to write "she whispered"?

Me think once you set up the scene that the characters are whispering (for example, they've been eavesdropping or they were gossiping among themselves), then you could just drop the tags or use "said" instead. It's understood -- trust the readers.

"She's a slut," Mary whispered.
"How would you know?"
"Reba told me."
"And how did she know?"
"Mona told her."
"Sssh. She's coming this way."

NeuroFizz · Dec 22, 2008

As Gill and Ray have suggested, whispered is one that is tough to get through to the reader with dialogue alone, but TLO and Ray gave a good example of how it is mentioned once, but the whispering is kept up in the dialogue set without continually using it as a tag (which would be annoying). It's a bit easier to use dialogue to indicate shouting, and if used sparingly, the exclamation point is a useful tool. It's because all kind of actions, in the form of dialogue beats, can be used:

Joe backed Rodney up against the wall. "Dammit, Rodney, she's my fucking girlfriend." He slammed his fist through the wallboard within inches of Rodney's ear. "Touch her again and that'll be your face."

In this case, it doesn't matter if it is shouted or spoken between gritted teeth. The reader gets the emotion loud and clear from the words, and that reader has the freedom to interpret it either way.

Claudia Gray · Dec 22, 2008

You can get away with replied, whispered, shouted, screamed, muttered, etc. as long as you use them sparingly and, as you say, when it's useful.

psykeout · Dec 22, 2008

I think that 'whispered' is fine. Matter of fact, most anything is fine in moderation. But if you have someone 'mutter' twenty-three times, maybe you need to change that one.

But, please, try to keep your adverbs to a minimum. Bare minimum. As in, like, four in the entire book.

underthecity · Dec 22, 2008

I was flagged in a sample in SYW for having said bookisms and adverbs. I didn't think I had overdone either, but evidently I had. "Whispered" was one that was flagged, which was what inspired this thread.

I'm still trying to get over Neurofizz using the word "fucking."

allen

NeuroFizz · Dec 22, 2008

underthecity said:
I was flagged in a sample in SYW for having said bookisms and adverbs. I didn't think I had overdone either, but evidently I had. "Whispered" was one that was flagged, which was what inspired this thread.

I'm still trying to get over Neurofizz using the word "fucking."

allen

"Hey, Joe said it, I didn't," NeuroFizz whispered.

scarletpeaches · Dec 22, 2008

NeuroFizz said:
"Hey, Joe said it, I didn't," NeuroFizz whispered.

"Hey, Joe said it, I didn't," NeuroFizz whispered quietly.

The Lonely One · Dec 22, 2008

NeuroFizz said:
"Hey, Joe said it, I didn't," NeuroFizz whispered.

Hmm this reminds me of a short I posted in SYW...

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=125114

Not trying to cheat my way into feedback or anything like that. Nope. Not me, etc.

maestrowork · Dec 22, 2008

scarletpeaches said:
"Hey, Joe said it, I didn't," NeuroFizz whispered quietly and farted loudly.

.

The Lonely One · Dec 22, 2008

"Hey, Joe said it, I didn't," NeuroFizz whispered quietly and farted loudly.

maestrowork · Dec 22, 2008

underthecity said:
I was flagged in a sample in SYW for having said bookisms and adverbs. I didn't think I had overdone either, but evidently I had. "Whispered" was one that was flagged, which was what inspired this thread.

Those who flagged "whisper" as said-bookism was taking this to the extreme. Now, of course, if you have six whispereds in row, then it's a matter of overusing it. Like I said, if you've established the scene and why these people are whispering, one "whispered" is good enough.

Jerry B. Flory · Dec 22, 2008

underthecity said:
"Whispered" was one that was flagged

I think that's the key phrase here.
One bookism that really says something or adds to the storyline, one adverb that pegs the definition of what you're saying, cool beans. But don't kill your story by loading it down with them every time someone speaks.
That is the point your readers were trying to convey.

sharla · Dec 22, 2008

Originally, my characters whispered, muttered, raised their eyebrows and shrugged their shoulders all the time. I didn't realize it till I did a search, and found out they were some moody, twitchy people!

Adam Hammonds · Dec 22, 2008

So many of these threads on this board.

My next book will be entirely without saids. If Georges Perec can write an entire novel without the letter e, I should be able to do one without said. And Absolutewrite can't do a damned thing about it! [scream]

Gynn · Dec 22, 2008

"Sorry," Brom apologized.

My all-time fav!

underthecity · Dec 23, 2008

Gynn said:
"Sorry," Brom apologized.

"That one sounds like a Clive Cussler line," he observed pointedly.

Don · Dec 23, 2008

Adam Hammonds said:
So many of these threads on this board.

My next book will be entirely without saids. If Georges Perec can write an entire novel without the letter e, I should be able to do one without said. And Absolutewrite can't do a damned thing about it! [scream]

You can certainly write a book without 'said' or without the letter e.

Selling it, however, may be another matter.

Ken Schneider · Dec 23, 2008

Said in h/h most quiet voice.

barely audible.

Leaned in close to her ear and said.

said so no else could hear.

Ken Schneider · Dec 23, 2008

Don said:
You can certainly write a book without 'said' or without the letter e.

Selling it, however, may be another matter.

Right, unless it's a kids book. Or, you already have an abundance of paying followers to your writing.

said is best.

Too many, cortled, apologized,quipped, etc., is rookie like.

Mumut · Dec 23, 2008

If I think I'm using said bookisms too much I change the way I write the sentence as follows, for example.
"That's your target," John whispered.
I change to:
John leaned over and whispered urgently.
"That's your target," he said.

Something like that, anyway.

Said bookisms: what if the character really whispers the line?

Finestkind

C'est la vie!

Grumpy writer and editor

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Fear the Death Ray

The grad students did it

should be writing instead...

Finestkind

The grad students did it

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Fear the Death Ray

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Fear the Death Ray

under the Milky Way

What's up??

Wandering worlds

Finestkind

All Living is Local

Absolute sagebrush

Absolute sagebrush

Well begun is half done...