Dialogue question

[Stephenie Hovland]

How do you "dialogue" someone clearing their throat?

"Ahem" sounds too pretentious.

And, I'm writing for young adults, if that makes a difference.

[aka eraser]

Good q. You might consider inserting one of those vocal "tics" that public speakers work hard to rid themselves of like - "erm" or "hmm" or "uh."

[Stephenie Hovland]

Here's the situation. A young woman is looking at something on the computer that she isn't supposed to, and her supervisor is standing right there with a disapproving look on his face.

"Ahemmm." (or whatever it will be)

She looks up, feels guilty and stammers an apology.

What do you think fits best?

[Fern]

Here's the verdict from my teenage daughter. . .

What she said was "actually, Mom, I'd be running away."

Uh, Ohhhh. ..

or

Uh, Ohhh. . . Sorry

(You know how they drag out sorry
to sound like "sah-reeee")

[aka eraser]

Does it have to be a sound? Maybe "tsk-tsk" would work. ("Ahem" isn't so bad I don't think.) What about just hearing her name?

"Miss Brooks." His voice dripped with disapproval.

She looked up...etc.

[maestrowork]

Just say: He cleared his throat.

"You know." He cackled and cleared his throat. "I really have no idea."

[Stephenie Hovland]

Great ideas. I'll copy them all into my rough draft and see what sticks.

Thanks!

[mammamaia]

steph... if you'll let me know what it is you're writing, i'll move this to the appropriate board, ok?...

love and hugs, maia
[newbie board mod]

[Stephenie Hovland]

It's a children's short story (young adult).

Thanks.

[mammamaia]

okey-doke... off it goes!... as for your question, check out the harry potter books... i'm sure someone clears his or her throat in there somewhere...

hugs, maia

[Stephanie]

If you can't come up with a sound, maybe the boss could just jar her chair a little "accidentally" with his foot, or drop a pen on her desk.

....ahhhh, the memories.... :o

Or, what about: Suddenly, the office exploded! No, wait. It was just her stupid boss, slamming an enormous file on her desk. (She really had to quit this day job...)

;)

[Stephenie Hovland]

Thanks. I've been reading some YA books this week and keeping my eyes pealed (sp?) for someone clearing their throat.

[Stephanie]

I'll keep my eyes peeled too, unless the pealing of those darn bells drives me to distraction first!

;)

[Stephenie Hovland]

I was too lazy to look it up. All I could think of was a carrot peeler slicing an eye ball. I thought I was safer with it ringing!

:b

[Stephanie]

From one Steph to another, this: a carrot peeler slicing an eye ball is very strange...

:eek

[Stephenie Hovland]

okay. . .


So, I'll be careful about imagery in picture books. Or, maybe I shouldn't be trusted with them at all.

My critique group thinks I'm weird too. I was reading a chapter from a novel where the writer described an army formation (think Lord of the Rings era.) Anyway, it said something about forming a triangle or wedge. I immediately pictured all the sweaty, bloody fighters forming a cheerleading pyramid with the little skirts and everything. I had to laugh. They just looked at me kinda funny.

Stephenie