JennaGlatzer
05-07-2005, 05:00 AM
It occurs to me that we now have this entire language that many people aren't going to understand. Thus, this thread, where I propose we give the etymology, definition, and/or usage example for our commonly-used terms that are related to PublishAmerica:
Atlanta Nights:
Definition: Sting manuscript orchestrated by James Macdonald and written by various members of the SFWA under the name Travis Tea to be submitted to PA. Intentionally written to be the worst book in history, to prove that PA would publish anything. See www.travistea.com (http://www.travistea.com/) for more. (Say "Travis Tea" quickly for the hidden meaning.)
aurora:
Original context: Recent PA post by "kilroy" (see CBM and Shemp entries) wherein, in the midst of the rest of his sputtering nonsense, he somehow confused the word "aura" and turned it into "aurora."
Use: She has a lovely aurora.
Author Insecurity/Bookland Security/Author Insult Team/Author Non-support/Disinformation Center
Definition: Terms for PA's Infocenter, a.k.a. PA's Author Support, which is always an anonymous entity.
Use: I wrote to the Author Insult Team and got a tone letter.
balling (my eyes out):
Original context: Nightie girl explained that she was balling her eyes out when she heard that Shemp was dead.
Use: If anyone tells me to "read the contract" again, I'll ball my eyes out.
bashers:
Original context: Shemp, referring to anyone who might question PA's ethics/business practices. Used to create an "us vs. them" feeling and discredit anyone who might actually want to help authors and steer them away from harm.
Defintion: People who tell the truth.
CBM:
Original context: Shemp told a reporter from the Washington Post (?) that his PA royalties amounted to cigarette money a couple of times a year. His new nickname became CBM, or Cigarette-Buying Man.
darf:
Original context: Misspelling of "dwarf."
Uses: If I see one more person thank PA for "giving [them] a chance," I'll darf.
echelon ladder:
Original context: Another nonsensical raving from Shemp, wherein he was attempting to insult a PA author for being more important than he is.
Use: Excuse me, would you hold my echelon ladder so I can climb onto the roof and shout to the world that PA is run by asshats?
golden calf:
Original context: "You had the golden calf in your hand," which was Shemp's chiding of a PA author who didn't take full advantage of the Independence Book deal. Perhaps confusing the goose who laid the golden egg with grabbing the brass ring with the sin of the Israelites in Exodus. I hear massive quantities of Jack Daniels can do that to a person.
Great and Mighty Pirate Ship, the:
Original context: Shemp's term for PA.
Use: The great and mighty pirate ship is full of holes.
hamdog:
Definition: A food substance consisting of a hot dog wrapped in a hamburger, with an egg on top, deep fried, and all sorts of other weird and inhuman things, which you can apparently buy at Mulligan's in Georgia. This really has nothing to do with PA, but there you have it.
Use: Ed likes hamdogs.
Kool-Aid:
Original context: Beverage served at the first PA convention, presumably containing brainwashing chemicals to make PA authors believe anything PA principals said, such as "your book will be available from sea to shining sea."
Use: When is she going to stop drinking the Kool-Aid and come over to the light?
Menopausal Matriarch:
Original context: Sexist insult by Shemp, claimed back as a good term by those he aimed at.
Nightie Girl/Nightie Lady:
Original context: Here, referring to a (former?) school teacher who poses on the PA boards in lingerie and tells authors to F*** off if they don't approve of liars who fake their own deaths.
Use: Nightie Girl, get a grip.
PA:
Definition: PublishAmerica. Also known as Pernicious Asshats, Punish America, Publish Anything, Plublish America, etc.
Use: PA sucks. See www.publishamericasucks.com (http://www.publishamericasucks.com/).
Partnership with the NY Times
Original context: PA told its authors that they had formed a partnership with the NY Times to promote PA books.
Definition: Horsepucks. This really meant that they had bought 3 ads, and used them to entice authors to compete against each other to see who could buy more of their own books to get listed in the coveted NY Times ad, which resulted in no sales for those who appeared.
Use: I've taken out an ad for my garage sale next week. This means I have a partnership with the NY Times.
POD, not POD:
Original context: PA Infocenter's explanation to authors about how they were print-on-demand (POD), not publish-on-demand (POD), and that all the bookstore owners must be "confused."
Definition: A load of crap. There is no difference between POD and POD.
POD Squad:
Definition: The new general partners at PA, including Michele Omran (a.k.a. the acquiring editor), Janet Morrisey (a.k.a. the office manager and accountant), Jessica Lewis (a.k.a. the receptionist), and possibly a janitor or two.
Poz:
Definition: The mythical land of all PA associates. A shortening of the phrase "Pathetically Oz-like," which pretty well describes the land of delusion that PA attempts to perpetrate on its authors.
Use: Meanwhile, back at Poz, they had run out of commas and were substituting semi-colons instead.
Purple Pony:
Definition: Kevin Yarbrough's sting manuscript. He sent PA 30 pages copied over and over until it was book-length. They happily accepted it, but when he announced what he'd done, they hired potentially-fake cops who refused to show badges to come to his house and scare the bejesus out of him.
resonate:
Original context: This phrase "will quickly resonate with an audience" appears in the template PA uses to send out completely impersonal press releases at completely inappropriate times. See: http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=172900&postcount=24
Use: I resonated all night long while I read Atlanta Nights.
Shemp:
Original context: New nickname for HB Marcus, also known as CBM, kilroy, Howard, He Who Must Not Be Named, the Undead, etc. PA's primary cheerleader and an abusive asshat who enjoyed bullying those who tried to get off the Kool-Aid. Mysogynist, narcissist, raving egomaniacal failure of a human being who recently faked his own death on Good Friday and laughed as PA authors cried and mourned over Easter weekend.
Use: Shemp is such an asshat.
spline:
Original context: Once thought to be a simple typo, but turned out to be a genuine misuse. PA authors (yes, several of them) somehow decided that a book's spine was actually spelled "spline."
Use: Get a spline, you lousy PA employees who check your morals at the door.
stipid:
Original context: "I told her she had pissed off 11.000 writers by calling them stipid," from a PA board post, referring to a nastygram a PA author sent to Jenna Glatzer, when in fact, Jenna Glatzer never called anyone "stipid," nor its more respectable cousin, "stupid."
Use: Shemp is a stipid asshat.
The Three Stooges:
Definition: The three original principals of PA: Larry Clopper, Willem Meiners, and Miranda Prather, also known as Larry, Curlem, and Moeranda.
Use: I can't wait to see The Three Stooges in orange jumpsuits.
tone letter:
Original context: The opening to dozens of letters PA sends to its authors who have any sort of valid question or complaint: "Don't take that tone with us." Often followed by something about "escapades," "drama," and "your accusations are false."
Use: I told them to shove it up their asshats. Think they'll send me another tone letter?
zobmi:
Original context: Miranda Prather sent out a press release (http://www.prweb.com/releases/2005/4/prweb223288.htm) announcing that she published a poem called "putting the zobmi to rest," which tells of " a speaker who must face a lifetime of bad choices which have corrupted the child she once was."
Related uses: Now the name of a popular mixed drink invented by Absolute Writers.
Other suggestions? Please list below and I'll add them to the glossary.
Atlanta Nights:
Definition: Sting manuscript orchestrated by James Macdonald and written by various members of the SFWA under the name Travis Tea to be submitted to PA. Intentionally written to be the worst book in history, to prove that PA would publish anything. See www.travistea.com (http://www.travistea.com/) for more. (Say "Travis Tea" quickly for the hidden meaning.)
aurora:
Original context: Recent PA post by "kilroy" (see CBM and Shemp entries) wherein, in the midst of the rest of his sputtering nonsense, he somehow confused the word "aura" and turned it into "aurora."
Use: She has a lovely aurora.
Author Insecurity/Bookland Security/Author Insult Team/Author Non-support/Disinformation Center
Definition: Terms for PA's Infocenter, a.k.a. PA's Author Support, which is always an anonymous entity.
Use: I wrote to the Author Insult Team and got a tone letter.
balling (my eyes out):
Original context: Nightie girl explained that she was balling her eyes out when she heard that Shemp was dead.
Use: If anyone tells me to "read the contract" again, I'll ball my eyes out.
bashers:
Original context: Shemp, referring to anyone who might question PA's ethics/business practices. Used to create an "us vs. them" feeling and discredit anyone who might actually want to help authors and steer them away from harm.
Defintion: People who tell the truth.
CBM:
Original context: Shemp told a reporter from the Washington Post (?) that his PA royalties amounted to cigarette money a couple of times a year. His new nickname became CBM, or Cigarette-Buying Man.
darf:
Original context: Misspelling of "dwarf."
Uses: If I see one more person thank PA for "giving [them] a chance," I'll darf.
echelon ladder:
Original context: Another nonsensical raving from Shemp, wherein he was attempting to insult a PA author for being more important than he is.
Use: Excuse me, would you hold my echelon ladder so I can climb onto the roof and shout to the world that PA is run by asshats?
golden calf:
Original context: "You had the golden calf in your hand," which was Shemp's chiding of a PA author who didn't take full advantage of the Independence Book deal. Perhaps confusing the goose who laid the golden egg with grabbing the brass ring with the sin of the Israelites in Exodus. I hear massive quantities of Jack Daniels can do that to a person.
Great and Mighty Pirate Ship, the:
Original context: Shemp's term for PA.
Use: The great and mighty pirate ship is full of holes.
hamdog:
Definition: A food substance consisting of a hot dog wrapped in a hamburger, with an egg on top, deep fried, and all sorts of other weird and inhuman things, which you can apparently buy at Mulligan's in Georgia. This really has nothing to do with PA, but there you have it.
Use: Ed likes hamdogs.
Kool-Aid:
Original context: Beverage served at the first PA convention, presumably containing brainwashing chemicals to make PA authors believe anything PA principals said, such as "your book will be available from sea to shining sea."
Use: When is she going to stop drinking the Kool-Aid and come over to the light?
Menopausal Matriarch:
Original context: Sexist insult by Shemp, claimed back as a good term by those he aimed at.
Nightie Girl/Nightie Lady:
Original context: Here, referring to a (former?) school teacher who poses on the PA boards in lingerie and tells authors to F*** off if they don't approve of liars who fake their own deaths.
Use: Nightie Girl, get a grip.
PA:
Definition: PublishAmerica. Also known as Pernicious Asshats, Punish America, Publish Anything, Plublish America, etc.
Use: PA sucks. See www.publishamericasucks.com (http://www.publishamericasucks.com/).
Partnership with the NY Times
Original context: PA told its authors that they had formed a partnership with the NY Times to promote PA books.
Definition: Horsepucks. This really meant that they had bought 3 ads, and used them to entice authors to compete against each other to see who could buy more of their own books to get listed in the coveted NY Times ad, which resulted in no sales for those who appeared.
Use: I've taken out an ad for my garage sale next week. This means I have a partnership with the NY Times.
POD, not POD:
Original context: PA Infocenter's explanation to authors about how they were print-on-demand (POD), not publish-on-demand (POD), and that all the bookstore owners must be "confused."
Definition: A load of crap. There is no difference between POD and POD.
POD Squad:
Definition: The new general partners at PA, including Michele Omran (a.k.a. the acquiring editor), Janet Morrisey (a.k.a. the office manager and accountant), Jessica Lewis (a.k.a. the receptionist), and possibly a janitor or two.
Poz:
Definition: The mythical land of all PA associates. A shortening of the phrase "Pathetically Oz-like," which pretty well describes the land of delusion that PA attempts to perpetrate on its authors.
Use: Meanwhile, back at Poz, they had run out of commas and were substituting semi-colons instead.
Purple Pony:
Definition: Kevin Yarbrough's sting manuscript. He sent PA 30 pages copied over and over until it was book-length. They happily accepted it, but when he announced what he'd done, they hired potentially-fake cops who refused to show badges to come to his house and scare the bejesus out of him.
resonate:
Original context: This phrase "will quickly resonate with an audience" appears in the template PA uses to send out completely impersonal press releases at completely inappropriate times. See: http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=172900&postcount=24
Use: I resonated all night long while I read Atlanta Nights.
Shemp:
Original context: New nickname for HB Marcus, also known as CBM, kilroy, Howard, He Who Must Not Be Named, the Undead, etc. PA's primary cheerleader and an abusive asshat who enjoyed bullying those who tried to get off the Kool-Aid. Mysogynist, narcissist, raving egomaniacal failure of a human being who recently faked his own death on Good Friday and laughed as PA authors cried and mourned over Easter weekend.
Use: Shemp is such an asshat.
spline:
Original context: Once thought to be a simple typo, but turned out to be a genuine misuse. PA authors (yes, several of them) somehow decided that a book's spine was actually spelled "spline."
Use: Get a spline, you lousy PA employees who check your morals at the door.
stipid:
Original context: "I told her she had pissed off 11.000 writers by calling them stipid," from a PA board post, referring to a nastygram a PA author sent to Jenna Glatzer, when in fact, Jenna Glatzer never called anyone "stipid," nor its more respectable cousin, "stupid."
Use: Shemp is a stipid asshat.
The Three Stooges:
Definition: The three original principals of PA: Larry Clopper, Willem Meiners, and Miranda Prather, also known as Larry, Curlem, and Moeranda.
Use: I can't wait to see The Three Stooges in orange jumpsuits.
tone letter:
Original context: The opening to dozens of letters PA sends to its authors who have any sort of valid question or complaint: "Don't take that tone with us." Often followed by something about "escapades," "drama," and "your accusations are false."
Use: I told them to shove it up their asshats. Think they'll send me another tone letter?
zobmi:
Original context: Miranda Prather sent out a press release (http://www.prweb.com/releases/2005/4/prweb223288.htm) announcing that she published a poem called "putting the zobmi to rest," which tells of " a speaker who must face a lifetime of bad choices which have corrupted the child she once was."
Related uses: Now the name of a popular mixed drink invented by Absolute Writers.
Other suggestions? Please list below and I'll add them to the glossary.