Writing image lists, good technique or old real fast?

The Lonely One · Sep 30, 2008

I have a tendency to make lists of images or things to allow some of my poetic devices into my prose...and maybe I overdo it.

Examples from a current WIP:

He glanced across his shoulder: metal, screens illumed, controls, switches, keypads, gadgets, and (then looking forward) a wide-across dashboard with lights of green and red and orange blinking and steady and stars beyond, spinning the nausea right back into him.

Some people might shy from it and some might love it. Do any of you fine writers have some light to shed on this "laundry list" type prose? Do you love it, hate it, use it, stay away from it?

Cheers.

P.S. the excerpt is a first draft and already I see some revision coming. You may add critique to the actual words if you wish and I will take your comments into account.

Deccydiva · Sep 30, 2008

I'm not keen on the "shopping list" style and prefer to use something a little more... lyrical... but in the context of a good read it wouldn't stop my enjoyment of the story.
My only comment on the extract - is illumed a real word? I haven't come across it before. Just the more common (to me) illuminated.

My style in poetry and prose are quite different but maybe that's just me.

gypsyscarlett · Sep 30, 2008

Hi there,

To be honest it's not my cuppa tea. I'm sure others love it. As you've already acknowledged, everyone has different tastes. Don't sweat it. You can't please everyone.

The Lonely One · Sep 30, 2008

Deccydiva said:
My only comment on the extract - is illumed a real word? I haven't come across it before. Just the more common (to me) illuminated.

My style in poetry and prose are quite different but maybe that's just me.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/illumed

EDIT: I just realized "illumed" is a transitive verb v. "illuminated" is an adjective. I'll have to double check to see if it still works (I don't think it does). Thanks for bringing this to my attention.

IceCreamEmpress · Sep 30, 2008

The Lonely One said:
I have this bad habit of going for strange word spellings (theatre, borne, etc.).

"borne" is the correct and only spelling of the word "borne" (as in, the past participle of the verb "to bear").

She was borne away by carriage from the place where she was born.

The Lonely One · Sep 30, 2008

Thanks, IceCreamEmpress! There are some subjects I suppose I'm ignorant about (notes another edit).

Makai_Lightning · Sep 30, 2008

I think I have used a landry list description like that, but usually so I'd know what to go back and elaborate on later. It'd never be my exclusive description. I just generally tend to suck at description, so I do most of that in revising.

You can use it, but I think if you use it too often it would get annoying. Especially if you use it too much in the same work. If every time you used that method to describe a new scene, it could potentially become a problem, but it's not like, you'll get struck down by Zeus if you do it. Sometimes lists are necessary, and sometimes they belong better than anything else.

Shadow_Ferret · Sep 30, 2008

I can honestly say I've never run across laundry list descriptions but I'd find it not ony annoying, but I'd think the author was being lazy, just throwing words at me instead of using his skills to truly describe the scene for me.

The Lonely One · Sep 30, 2008

Shadow_Ferret said:
I can honestly say I've never run across laundry list descriptions but I'd find it not ony annoying, but I'd think the author was being lazy, just throwing words at me instead of using his skills to truly describe the scene for me.

Given this (and this might slightly affect the way I view my MS when editing), does the excerpt I've provided annoy you or does it take you out of the moment?

vixey · Sep 30, 2008

If I saw a list of discriptors like in your example, I would read the first 2 or 3 and skip over the rest. FWIW

Enzo · Sep 30, 2008

Nothing wrong with a laundry list if you don't find it too often.

hammerklavier · Sep 30, 2008

I think it's great if it is used to show extreme speed, a few things seen in a quick glance, or a disoriented state of mind. Otherwise, no.

Telstar · Oct 1, 2008

hammerklavier said:
I think it's great if it is used to show extreme speed, a few things seen in a quick glance, or a disoriented state of mind. Otherwise, no.

Ditto

Nicholas T · Oct 1, 2008

I've seen laundry lists done well (they're all over the place in Shakespeare if you look at his prosaic characters, like Bottom in A Midsummer Night's Dream), but I've also seen enough writers try them that they're quickly taking on the stale flavour of a stock device. It's possible to do them well if the composite mosaic of images has a unique sense of variety, and if it is delivered with a keen ear for rhythm. Read it aloud and see if it sticks.

NeuroFizz · Oct 1, 2008

Sorry, but the way it's written, it sounds like some of those lights and screens were embedded in his shoulder, and his nausea was somehow external to his body. [Rule 27 of Editing 101 - if you are going to use fancy words or phrases, make sure they say what you want them to say.]

How does this passage work FOR the story? Or does it work FOR the author? Are you trying to impress or convey? Do these lights and flashy things play into the story beyond this descriptive passage? Are they important later? Do they add to some metaphoric or symbolic aspect of the scene? Do they contribute to the tone of the scene in a way the following passage doesn't?

He looked over his shoulder and panned back to front. The surrounding array of blinking lights and monitor patterns intensified his nausea.

Bartholomew · Oct 1, 2008

Shadow_Ferret said:
I can honestly say I've never run across laundry list descriptions but I'd find it not ony annoying, but I'd think the author was being lazy, just throwing words at me instead of using his skills to truly describe the scene for me.

Oh, I don't know. It might work in certain, fast paced scenes.

Red-Green · Oct 1, 2008

Maybe once in a novel. Twice, if really well done, but beyond that I think I'd find it tedious.

vixey · Oct 1, 2008

The Lonely One said:
He glanced across his shoulder: metal, screens illumed, controls, switches, keypads, gadgets, and (then looking forward) a wide-across dashboard with lights of green and red and orange blinking and steady and stars beyond, spinning the nausea right back into him.

You suggested a crit. I'd separate the sentence into 2 or more.

"He glanced across his shoulder at illuminated screens, controls, and keypads. In front of him stood a wide dashboard, its lights blinking green, red and orange, beneath a window of stars, spinning the nausea back into him."

But, my version doesn't carry your voice well.

miles · Oct 1, 2008

I'd split it up into two sentences as well (too many "and's" toward the end):

He glanced across his shoulder: metal, screens illumed, controls, switches, keypads, gadgets, and (then looking forward) a wide-across dashboard with lights of green and red and orange blinking and steady. Stars twinkled beyond, spinning the nausea right back into him.

The Lonely One · Oct 1, 2008

NeuroFizz said:
Sorry, but the way it's written, it sounds like some of those lights and screens were embedded in his shoulder, and his nausea was somehow external to his body. [Rule 27 of Editing 101 - if you are going to use fancy words or phrases, make sure they say what you want them to say.]

How does this passage work FOR the story? Or does it work FOR the author? Are you trying to impress or convey? Do these lights and flashy things play into the story beyond this descriptive passage? Are they important later? Do they add to some metaphoric or symbolic aspect of the scene? Do they contribute to the tone of the scene in a way the following passage doesn't?

He looked over his shoulder and panned back to front. The surrounding array of blinking lights and monitor patterns intensified his nausea.

Perhaps you'd have to read it in context of the chapter. The lights are gadgets are in a rocket ship (foreign and alien to the character). I appreciate the feedback. Although I will take this comment into account, though right away I see we have different styles

. I'll watch for clarity, though.

The Lonely One · Oct 1, 2008

vixey said:
You suggested a crit. I'd separate the sentence into 2 or more.

"He glanced across his shoulder at illuminated screens, controls, and keypads. In front of him stood a wide dashboard, its lights blinking green, red and orange, beneath a window of stars, spinning the nausea back into him."

But, my version doesn't carry your voice well.

I think you're right. A lot of that separating will come in 2nd/3rd/4th etc. drafts, though. I just get winded when I get going, probably why a lot of those sentences came out that way in the first place.

I can also see these lists as getting tedious to readers after so many. Perhaps I'll post a chapter in the crit section so you all can lay into me the proper way

The Lonely One · Oct 1, 2008

NeuroFizz said:
No one is "laying into you." The questions I suggested you ask yourself concerning this passage are the same ones I ask myself when I write descriptive passages. It's a good idea to post more if the passage requires context. I hope you post in SYW, but leave the "laying into you" attitude somewhere else or it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Woah, woah, back up NeuroFizz. Perhaps you took a different tone from my comment than I intended. Let me explain (maybe we're getting off on the wrong foot here?):

I appreciate, and indeed am seeking the "laying into" bit. There's no attitude about it. People who don't aren't doing me any favors. Being blunt is the most efficient way for writers to utilize feedback IMO, and I would take the bluntness over the sugary stuff. I don't want this post to turn into strictly a crit of my stuff; I'll save that for the proper section, but if you'd like I'll put some more to it for context.

P.S. I really do appreciate your comments. I think you're right, the sentence is a bit unclear. I'll note that for future editing. If/when I post on SYW I'll let you know, your response here was clear and helpful. So, thanks.

Claudia Gray · Oct 1, 2008

"Laundry-listing" too often is overwriting and is going to lose the reader in detail that isn't needed. That said, you can probably do it once in a while when (a) you're dealing with a situation that involves some sensory overload, (b) you've otherwise been very spare in description about someone/something/an event that by now the readers are dying to know more about, and/or (c) you are writing in a character voice that naturally lends itself to more description.

The example you gave looks like too much description for something that (based on the admittedly minimal context) looks unlikely to be important or noteworthy, or to illustrate a distinctive character voice.

Smiling Ted · Oct 1, 2008

The Lonely One said:
He glanced across his shoulder: metal, screens illumed, controls, switches, keypads, gadgets, and (then looking forward) a wide-across dashboard with lights of green and red and orange blinking and steady and stars beyond, spinning the nausea right back into him.

It isn't that you're using a laundry list; it's that the list is too long. Limit it to a couple of pairs of socks and a t-shirt, and you'll be in better shape.

(That is, limit it to the details that are actually important to the character and the reader.)

Sharon Mock · Oct 1, 2008

I'll be the dissenting opinion here. (Disclaimer: nobody has ever accused me of writing transparent prose.) I think the laundry list is overall working for you here, because it all builds up to a simple and powerful image: the field of stars, the sensory overload and vertigo that it brings.

"Across his shoulder" didn't quite work--can't picture the staging, though that might be a context problem. If pacing is an issue, you can probably condense that first laundry list down to a single phrase without losing anything. But everything past (then looking forward) seems just right to me.

And hey, if you can pull off a sentence with parentheses, a laundry list is a piece of cake

But it is something that can become a stylistic tic quite easily, so I'd be careful of overuse.

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