This Paragraph Seems Awkward, Help?

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc · Sep 7, 2008

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"The window that had once taken up the whole wall of their bedroom shattered into millions of fragments of glass. The glass fell over Mr. Nagayama and his fiance like a heavy rainfall. He heard a scream, from Yayoi he assumed. Mr. Nagayama shut his eyes tight to keep any shards from finding their way to one of his eyes. A cold wind howled in his ears, then silence."[/FONT]

Diana W. · Sep 7, 2008

How about...

The full length window shattered into millions of shards of glass that rained over Mr Nagayama and his fiance. He heard Yayoi scream. Mr Nagayama shut his eyes tight to keep any shards away from his eyes. A cold wind howled in his ears, then silence.

Does that help?

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc · Sep 7, 2008

Yes, thank you so much!

ChasG · Sep 7, 2008

Pleasae accept mycomments as they are intended ie to assist.
I am a newbie so paople may consider my ideas to be incorrect.
My personal style is to read the paragraph out loud to see how it 'flows' as though I was reading to a child.
In this case I would alter the punctuation as follows:

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"The window, that had once taken up the whole wall of their bedroom, shattered into millions of fragments of glass."

ChasG
[/FONT]

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc · Sep 7, 2008

Thank you too! I'll defiently alter some things...

JVaughn · Sep 7, 2008

Well, I'm no expert, but what other substance could a mirror shatter into except glass? It's redundant, lose it.

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc · Sep 7, 2008

Are you saying the window should be made of something else, or it in a stage of being broken apart- should be called something aside from "glass"?

FennelGiraffe · Sep 7, 2008

Millions of shards of glass, from the window that once filled the bedroom wall, rained over Mr. Nagayama and his fiance. Eyes protectively clamped shut, he heard a scream, then the howl of wind. Finally, only silence.

Diana W. · Sep 7, 2008

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc said:
Are you saying the window should be made of something else, or it in a stage of being broken apart- should be called something aside from "glass"?

I think he actually means that windows are made of glass so writing that the window broke into millions of shards of glass the word glass is redundant. Good point actually. I should have thought of that. How about
"The window broke into millions of shards that rained over Mr Nagayama ...etc. That might work better.

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc · Sep 7, 2008

NYBrit said:
I think he actually means that windows are made of glass so writing that the window broke into millions of shards of glass the word glass is redundant. Good point actually. I should have thought of that. How about
"The window broke into millions of shards that rained over Mr Nagayama ...etc. That might work better.

Ah, now I see.

Thank you for clarifying.

That is an excellent point, haha.

JVaughn · Sep 7, 2008

Sorry for the confusion, I meant window not mirror. I can see why you wrote that, but it's a writing thing instead of a 'how people really speak' thing. If I was describing a smashed window I wouldn't add "glass" because that's obvious, and I'd be mocked like "Oh really? I thought it shattered into millions of pieces of cake."

Now I'm hungry.

Mad Queen · Sep 7, 2008

The glass wall shattered and millions of shards rained on Mr. Nagayama and Yayoi. Mr. Nagayama shut his eyes instinctively. He heard Yayoi scream, then the howling wind, then silence.

dpaterso · Sep 7, 2008

"The window that had once taken up the whole wall of their bedroom shattered into millions of fragments of glass. The glass fell over Mr. Nagayama and his fiance like a heavy rainfall. He heard a scream, from Yayoi he assumed. Mr. Nagayama shut his eyes tight to keep any shards from finding their way to one of his eyes. A cold wind howled in his ears, then silence."

Assuming that Yayoi is Mr. Nagayama's fiancé:

The bedroom window shattered. Yayoi screamed and Mr. Nagayama screwed his eyes shut as glass fragments showered their bed. A cold wind howled in his ears. Then silence settled over the room, broken only by Yayoi's frightened sobbing.

...couldn't resist that last line.

-Derek

Teriann · Sep 7, 2008

I like depaterso's version, but I think "Then silence settled over the room," isn't quite right because it's sort of abstract, or hard to experience. How about:

"The only sound was Yayoi's frightened sobbing."

Then it occurs to me that there may still be some sounds from the glass, as broken glass settles. So how about:

The only sounds were Yayoi's frightened sobbing and the light tinkling of glass settling.

Then maybe after a moment of silence, another piece of glass will fall and shatter. (I don't think all the glass will fall at once.)

Oh heck. Writing is too hard to be fun!

HelloKiddo · Sep 7, 2008

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc said:
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"The window that had once taken up the whole wall of their bedroom shattered into millions of fragments of glass. The glass fell over Mr. Nagayama and his fiance like a heavy rainfall. He heard a scream, from Yayoi he assumed. Mr. Nagayama shut his eyes tight to keep any shards from finding their way to one of his eyes. A cold wind howled in his ears, then silence."[/FONT]

I don't think the paragraph is awful, just needs to be re-worded a little. I think calling it a full-length window makes me think of a regular window that runs to the floor. "Glass wall" makes me think of that trendy thick frosted glass and the glass bricks that were popular in the 80's. Just saying "window" makes me think of a regular window. You could say "large window", that leaves it open to the reader's imagination to determine how large, but if you want this scene to be powerful and the damage is going to be severe you might want to be specific.

Here's my suggestion:

The window that had ~~once taken up~~ been ~~the~~ a whole wall of their bedroom shattered ~~into millions of fragments of glass~~. The ~~glass~~ fragments fell over Mr. Nagayama and his fiance like a heavy rainfall. ~~He heard a scream, from~~ Yayoi ~~he assumed~~ screamed; Mr. Nagayama shut his eyes tight to keep any shards from finding their way into ~~one of his eyes~~ them. A cold wind howled in his ears, then silence.

The window that had been a whole wall of their bedroom shattered. The fragments fell over Mr. Nagayama and his fiance like a heavy rainfall. Yayoi screamed; Mr. Nagayama shut his eyes tight to keep any shards from finding their way into them. A cold wind howled in his ears, then silence.

I hope that helped!

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc · Sep 7, 2008

Wonderful, thank you guys!!

Goodness, such talent.

Mad Queen · Sep 7, 2008

Besides closing your eyes, protecting your whole face with your hands is also an instinctive action when these things happen. I know this because I've been in a car accident.

platinumscript · Sep 7, 2008

offline2

bramble · Sep 7, 2008

Why is there silence if the wind was howling a moment before? Weird space-time vacuum? Mr. Nagayama died/fainted? The cold wind was a figment of his imagination?

(confused)

maestrowork · Sep 7, 2008

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc said:
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"The window that had once taken up the whole wall of their bedroom shattered into millions of fragments of glass. The glass fell over Mr. Nagayama and his fiance like a heavy rainfall. He heard a scream, from Yayoi he assumed. Mr. Nagayama shut his eyes tight to keep any shards from finding their way to one of his eyes. A cold wind howled in his ears, then silence."[/FONT]

"The window that had once taken up the whole wall..." EEEK. Also, the wordiness and the sentences are confusing.

How about:

The floor-to-ceiling window shattered. Fragments of glass showered Mr. Nagayama and his fiance. He shut his eyes from the shards and heard Yayoi's scream. The wind howled in his ears; and then there was silence.

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc · Sep 8, 2008

bramble said:
Why is there silence if the wind was howling a moment before? Weird space-time vacuum? Mr. Nagayama died/fainted? The cold wind was a figment of his imagination?

(confused)

Everything that just happened to him reversed, once he opens his eyes again the window is back unshattered, he has no cuts, his fiance's sound asleep, and he's thinking, "WTF?"

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc · Sep 8, 2008

Thanks everyone.

Elaine Margarett · Sep 8, 2008

I have a problem with the *millions* of shards...

You don't mean millions, literally, do you?

Just my meager 2 cents~

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc · Sep 8, 2008

Elaine Margarett said:
I have a problem with the *millions* of shards...

You don't mean millions, literally, do you?

Just my meager 2 cents~

Well, actually I think there would be millions... correct me if I'm wrong, but if a 20 x 12 foot window were to crack into slivers of glass, I was assuming it'd be in the millions.
If not then very close.

maestrowork · Sep 8, 2008

GLAZE_by_KyrstinMc said:
Well, actually I think there would be millions... correct me if I'm wrong, but if a 20 x 12 foot window were to crack into slivers of glass, I was assuming it'd be in the millions.
If not then very close.

I do think millions would be an exaggeration. Not to mention a cliche. In reality it's probably more like hundreds of thousands.

My thought is not to use it because it's just a cliche.

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