The Unaffectionate Baby/Toddler

Define "affectionate".

Some of my nieces or nephews were huggy, smoochy, snuggly toddlers. One of the boys seldom showed overt physical attention, but he would play nearby, and quietly walk over and hand you something he thought was interesting, or lean against you for a few seconds for a back rub and then wander off (like having a humanoid cat). If he were a toddler now, he'd probably have been diagnosed as pre-autistic or "on the spectrum" ... but he was just a quiet, low-key child. His affection was extra-special because it was seldom bestowed.

He's still that way: a competent young man, just not into demonstrative shows of affection.

My oldest, when she was an infant, would straighten out her back and sort-of slither out of the hold of people she didn't know. She's never been one to cuddle or even touch others casually. In fact, even when she's asleep, she's tense. I know this because I once gently lifted her chubby little baby arm when she was taking a nap and when I let go, instead of flopping back down, it stayed stiffly in the air for a second before she lowered it.

She was--and is--very, very smart (I know IQ scores aren't 100% accurate but when they tested hers when she was eight she scored a 162.) but her emotional maturity and ability to, I guess you could call it, "read social situations" isn't great.

She was--and is--very, very smart (I know IQ scores aren't 100% accurate but when they tested hers when she was eight she scored a 162.) but her emotional maturity and ability to, I guess you could call it, "read social situations" isn't great.

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My son is the same -- exactly like my brother. All smarts no common sense. And while my son liked a cuddle, not if it interfered with his making the millenuem falcon out of odd lego bits.

He has other things to think about. Deep thoughts that come out of nowhere sometimes.

IdiotsRUs said:

My son is the same -- exactly like my brother. All smarts no common sense. And while my son liked a cuddle, not if it interfered with his making the millenuem falcon out of odd lego bits.

He has other things to think about. Deep thoughts that come out of nowhere sometimes.

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My daughter is the same way. She was in the NICU as an infant, and many of the nurses told me to spend a lot of time talking to her and touching her through the incubator, but whenever I did, it seemed to cause her stress. (So I hung around quietly.) She was always very wiry and tense--still is, at 9--and she's sensitive to bright lights and noise (even though we live in Manhattan!). She's a great kid and affectionate in many ways. Just not snuggly.

My older girl was the non-cuddly baby/toddler. She was a stiffener when picked up, except during rare moments SHE wanted the contact. Otherwise it was like, "buzz off, Momma." She's 20 now, and grew up very social but never physically demonstrative.

In contrast, my younger girl, now 13, was a cuddler and a nestler right from Day One. As an infant she'd snuggle her head into the curve between my neck and shoulder, curl into a fetal position, and sleep contentedly for a long time. She still likes to be rocked (only in private nowadays) and is much more physically demonstrative than the older sister.

IMO it's something inherent in the way each child is wired together. Can't explain it fully, and certainly can't compare them in any meaningful fashion.

My son is/was a huge cuddler, but my daughter was/is not. Well, she would, but only on her terms. She was very well behaved, very bright, taught herself the alphabet at 23 months old by watching Sesame Street and taught herself to read before the age of four. She did NOT want to be held to sleep, even as an infant. I'll never forget trying so hard to do everything right but she wouldn't sleep and seemed uncomfortable when she was just a few weeks old, finally after days of this (she wouldn't scream or cry, just whimper) I gave up and put her down, and that's what she wanted, and I began to realize that every time I gave up and put her down, she'd sleep, and sleep soundly for hours. Then as a toddler, she was only interactive on her terms. If she wanted your attention, she'd come to you, but mostly, she played quietly by herself. She loved to read and do puzzles and color and LOVED animals, very affectionate with them. She loved playing out side, and liked "chase games" but didn't want a lot of cuddling, tagging and chasing and the occasional tickle were welcomed though. She never really liked to be held, she did want it occasionally, but it was rare, and she had to come to you for it. She still doesn't like a lot of affection, and honestly, neither do I. Apparently, I was the same way as a child, and still am not an physically affectionate person, so I'm chalking it up to a personality quirk.