Question about my beginning .....

Overkill · Aug 27, 2008

Okay, i've decided my finished work, PREACHER'S BLOOD, needs another edit. There is one character in particular who needs to be reworked and a few other things i want to change.

For one, i am going to rework and reorder the first couple of chapters because the main event that propels the story doesn't occur until chapter 2 and i realize it needs to occur in chapter one. So, with that in mind, here is my question: in regards to a beginning, i mean a beginning line, i wanted an opinion as to what might be better.

#1 - Gavin Preacher got to work early monday morning, fifteen minutes before a pregnant woman named Jennifer Ki sat at his desk and fired a bullet into his mouth.

OR

#2 - Gavin Preacher got to work early monday morning, fifteen minutes before a pregnant woman named Jennifer Ki ast at his desk and changed his life forever.

i was caught between revealing the act and letting it go until later on when it actually happens but i've read books where the type of thing i wrote in number one happens, and happens successfully.

What do you guys think?

thanks

Greg Jeffrey

Ms Hollands · Aug 27, 2008

I like the second one better.

Also, if he was there before she was, how did she sit at his desk?

KTC · Aug 27, 2008

Overkill said:
Okay, i've decided my finished work, PREACHER'S BLOOD, needs another edit. There is one character in particular who needs to be reworked and a few other things i want to change.

For one, i am going to rework and reorder the first couple of chapters because the main event that propels the story doesn't occur until chapter 2 and i realize it needs to occur in chapter one. So, with that in mind, here is my question: in regards to a beginning, i mean a beginning line, i wanted an opinion as to what might be better.

#1 - Gavin Preacher got to work early monday morning, fifteen minutes before a pregnant woman named Jennifer Ki sat at his desk and fired a bullet into his mouth.

OR

#2 - Gavin Preacher got to work early monday morning, fifteen minutes before a pregnant woman named Jennifer Ki ast at his desk and changed his life forever.

i was caught between revealing the act and letting it go until later on when it actually happens but i've read books where the type of thing i wrote in number one happens, and happens successfully.

What do you guys think?

thanks

Greg Jeffrey

Of course, number 1 would grab the reader more. There is no contest.

ETA: #2 would actually be wrong in my book. 'changed his life forever'? She ends his life, she doesn't change it. We don't know that yet, but once we did we would consider that opening wrong. OR I would.

Calla Lily · Aug 27, 2008

Overkill said:
#1 - Gavin Preacher got to work early Monday morning, fifteen minutes before a pregnant woman named Jennifer Ki sat at his desk and fired a bullet into ~~his~~ her mouth.

You did mean "her", right?

It strikes me as kind of awkward. I think it's the "15 mins before" phrase.

Tried to come up with alternatives and ditched 4 of them. Need coffee. Argh.

Overkill · Aug 27, 2008

Callilily .....

Yes, i did mean her mouth. I should have noticed that when i edited the post. thank you for noticing and i really do like number one best and will probably go with it unless a better option comes along or is proposed.

thank you

Greg Jeffrey

willietheshakes · Aug 27, 2008

Huh.

Actually, I kinda prefer her firing a bullet into HIS mouth.

Sassee · Aug 27, 2008

#1, definitely.

Ms Hollands · Aug 27, 2008

Oh....I liked it better when it was his too....I still like number 2. Number 1 gives the game away, but I guess it depends on the paragraphs following it.

qwerty · Aug 27, 2008

Compromise: Gavin Preacher's life was changed forever early one morning when a pregnant woman sat at his desk and fired a bullet into her mouth.

Saying how many minutes he arrived before seems to hesitate the impact.

Alpha Echo · Aug 27, 2008

KTC said:
Of course, number 1 would grab the reader more. There is no contest.

ETA: #2 would actually be wrong in my book. 'changed his life forever'? She ends his life, she doesn't change it. We don't know that yet, but once we did we would consider that opening wrong. OR I would.

I agree with this. Plus, I think #2 is a cliche.

Prawn · Aug 27, 2008

Too much detail. Leave the reader some questions. Deliver the shocker, then switch to something else:

Gavin Preacher got to work early enough to see the pregnant woman kill herself. He usually didn't get to work early because of the train.

Now the reader has to read on to find out more.

dwellerofthedeep · Aug 27, 2008

The first thing I thought when I saw the two of those openings was: "Wow those are some long sentences."
Consider breaking the one you choose into two, or even three simple sentences instead.
I agree that the 'fifteen minutes' bit is awkward, and would suggest removing it.

jannawrites · Aug 27, 2008

Prawn said:
Too much detail. Leave the reader some questions. Deliver the shocker, then switch to something else:

Gavin Preacher got to work early enough to see the pregnant woman kill herself. He usually didn't get to work early because of the train.

Now the reader has to read on to find out more.

I agree with this. Don't drop the entire premise in the reader's lap with the first sentence - it feels too rushed, too urgent. Set it up, and then ease into it.

Good luck!

Mad Queen · Aug 27, 2008

#1 is infinitely better than #2.

Gavin Preacher got to work early enough to see the pregnant woman kill herself.

'Kill herself' isn't nearly as cool as 'sat at his desk and fired a bullet into her mouth'.

Shar-Jan · Aug 27, 2008

First one is best. It's more jarring and interesting.

dawinsor · Aug 27, 2008

I have a problem with "changed his life forever," because I've seen that exact phrase in a number of blurbs. If you go with the second version, I'd edit that. As a matter of fact, you might edit it to be more original and see if you like that version better than #1.

Cato · Aug 27, 2008

#1 fo sho.

MarkEsq · Aug 27, 2008

Overkill said:
#1 - Gavin Preacher got to work early monday morning, fifteen minutes before a pregnant woman named Jennifer Ki sat at his desk and fired a bullet into his mouth.

OR

#2 - Gavin Preacher got to work early monday morning, fifteen minutes before a pregnant woman named Jennifer Ki ast at his desk and changed his life forever.

#1 is better. Also, I pictured a preacher in his office, the name sort of took over my mind with an image. One other image relates to firing a bullet into her mouth. I pictured it flying around in there, a little UFO in a big cavern. Just saying. Maybe I'm weird.

Here's how I would write it, for what it's worth, kind of a blend of immediate impact and withholding something:

Gavin Preacher arrived at his desk early on Monday morning, fifteen minutes before a pregnant woman named Jennifer Ki sat opposite him and put the barrel of a gun in her mouth.

To shorten you could leave out her name, the fact she's pregnant, "the barrel of," or the fifteen minutes.

ccarver30 · Aug 27, 2008

#1

#2 is "gah".

Donkey · Aug 27, 2008

willietheshakes said:
Huh.

Actually, I kinda prefer her firing a bullet into HIS mouth.

Ditto. That grabbed me.

JustGo · Aug 27, 2008

I certainly liked the 'his' more, too, but that would completely change your book, and it's a bit late for that now, I'm guessing...

Short of that, Prawn's suggestion is perfect. I'd go with that.

Nateskate · Aug 27, 2008

Writers tend to give advice in their own voice, so take this with a grain of salt.

Gavin Preacher got to work early monday morning, unaware that in fifteen minutes he would be eating a bullet.

I think if you tell too much it will take away from the anticipation. Now the reader wants to know- who, why, whether it killed him.

nevada · Aug 27, 2008

POV problem. If it's in his POV he doesnt know that something is going to happen to him 15 minutes later. Especially in Nateskate's example. (sorry nate)

If he's unaware, then we're not in his POV. if the book is written from his POV then whose POV is that sentence in. I know thrillers do it a lot but I hate that unknown omniscient narrator at the beginning just so the author can do the set-up without too much work and maybe throw in an info dump in the guise of an "exciting beginning." Hate it.

Why not just start at the point where the woman sits at his desk? Who cares about what he does or doesn't know when he gets to work early. And if him being early is important, then just show him arriving and thinking "hey bees knees I'm early for a change". The reader will figure out the importance of it when things start to happen. YOu don't have to point things out to them. They're smarter than given credit for.

Raphee · Aug 28, 2008

#1 Without a doubt.

Prawn · Aug 28, 2008

nevada said:
POV problem. If it's in his POV he doesnt know that something is going to happen to him 15 minutes later. Especially in Nateskate's example. (sorry nate)

This is a literary device called foreshadowing. It has a long tradition. It is also in medias res-y, which has such a long tradition, there is a Latin name for it. But screw tradition, it just makes the story more interesting, so why not use it?

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