Do these paragraphs flow? + passive vs. active examples

[jennifer75]

Also, is heightened the right word?


In an hour’s time, the entire family and I began our four hour trek to Las Vegas, where you’d been airlifted from your hotel room in Bullhead City. Flash flood warnings were reported as low as Fontana extending all the way up to the state line, almost our entire course - but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you. I sat in the backseat as memories of you and I heightened, I couldn’t fight back the imminent stream of tears.

I recalled the times you’d call for mom from down the hall, hollering for her to come see the stash of Avon you’d stored in the hall closet. “Paaaaaty, come here!” you’d sing, your voice traveling down the hall into the dining room and out the back door. The late afternoon sun barely filling the hallway where you’d sit digging into the back of the closet for the latest shampoo or bubble bath.

And then there were the trips we’d take to Pic ‘N’ Save. We’d scour the toy isle, looking for something fun.

“Anything to keep you kids entertained,” you’d say.

I’d return to the porch to squish silly putty over the funnies, or play with the blow-loons you’d just bought for me. You’d holler for me to come eat lunch, another one of your peanut butter and butter sandwiches. I must have eaten a million of those growing up.

[maestrowork]

I wouldn't use heightened to describe memories.

"Intensified", perhaps. Or "swelled"?

Also, it's "memories of you and me." Also, "the late afternoon sun barely filling..." is a sentence fragment. Why not just "barely filled"?

Also, avoid using passive voice if you can. Also the "you'd ____" distracts me. Were those actual events or you were just generalizing the memories? If they were actual events, then it should be in past tense...



In an hour’s time, the entire family began our four-hour trek to Las Vegas, where you’d been airlifted from your hotel room in Bullhead City. The media had reported flash flood warnings from as low as Fontana all the way up to the state line, almost our entire course, but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you. I sat in the backseat as memories of you and me intensified, and I couldn’t fight back the imminent stream of tears.

I recalled the times when you called for mom from down the hall, hollering for her to come see the stash of Avon you’d stored in the hall closet. “Paaaaaty, come here!” you sang, your voice traveling down the hall to the dining room and out the back door. The late afternoon sun barely filled the hallway where you’d sat digging into the back of the closet for the latest shampoo or bubble bath.

And then there were the trips we took to Pic ‘N’ Save. We’d scour the toy isle, looking for something fun.

“Anything to keep you kids entertained,” you'd say.

I’d return to the porch to squish silly putty over the funnies, or play with the blow-loons you’d just bought for me. You’d holler for me to come eat lunch, another one of your peanut butter and butter sandwiches. I must have eaten a million of those growing up.

[jennifer75]

Also, avoid using passive voice if you can.


Can you show me an example of a passive voice? I'm really not aware of what that looks like (sounds like?) :)

[maestrowork]

In an hour’s time, the entire family and I began our four-hour trek to Las Vegas, where you’d been airlifted from your hotel room in Bullhead City. Flash flood warnings were reported as low as Fontana

Both (bolded) are passive voice.

This would be active voice:

In an hour’s time, the entire family and I began our four-hour trek to Las Vegas, where the medics had airlifted you from your hotel room in Bullhead City. The media had reported flash flood warnings from as low as Fontana

[jennifer75]

Both (bolded) are passive voice.

This would be active voice:

So much to learn.

I was seeing it simply as past tense. I guess I'm focusing too much on that.

[qwerty]

Can you show me an example of a passive voice? I'm really not aware of what that looks like (sounds like?) :)

Jennifer, this might be helpful. It gives clear examples of passive and active, and explains what makes them one or the other.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_actpass.html

I suggest you don’t get hung up on trying to stick to active. Fiction written entirely in active can be a bit clinical, so some variation doesn’t hurt.

For example, if I was writing about a mouse, I would probably say: the mouse was eaten by the cat, rather than: the cat ate the mouse. Either makes sense and is easy to read.

On the other hand, I would say: the cat sat on the mat rather than: the mat was sat on by the cat because the latter sounds awful.

[jennifer75]

Thank you!!! So I left my short at home and can't work on it today, like I'd planned on doing. I realllllly wanted to submit today!!! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FennelGiraffe]

In an hour’s time, the entire family and I began our four hour trek to Las Vegas, where you’d been airlifted from your hotel room in Bullhead City. Flash flood warnings were reported as low as Fontana extending all the way up to the state line, almost our entire course - but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you. Jennifer, in another thread I suggested rewriting the second sentence as:Flash flood warnings were reported from Fontana to the state line--almost our entire course--but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you.At the time, I left the passive voice ('were reported') as is because I thought this was a halfway reasonable (or at least not horrible) use of it, and because you had so many other questions I didn't want to pile on.

However, now that I see it in context, I've changed my mind. You have two passive voice sentences in the same paragraph. That's a lot. The first one, 'you'd been airlifted', doesn't flow well when rephrased to active voice, and it isn't important to tell who did the airlifting. Also, it's a common expression. I think it's better off staying passive.

That means the second one really should be fixed. Doing so gracefully requires major surgery. Perhaps something like:Almost our entire route--from Fontana to the state line--was under flash flood warnings, but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you.I sat in the backseat as memories of you and I heightened, I couldn’t fight back the imminent stream of tears.I agree with other posters that 'heightened' isn't the right word for memories. You've been given some good suggestions, but I'd like to point out that you have an opportunity here to use some linking imagery. There is the external, actual flood, and it is also common to talk about a flood of memories and a flood of tears. Obviously, you can't repeat the word 'flood' that many times, but you can use related words. Actually, 'stream of tears' is already doing so. (Did you think of this, or was it a coincidence?). I would suggest replacing 'heightened' with 'engulfed me' or 'swept over me' or 'flowed into my mind'.

Again, other posters have already explained that 'memories of you and I' is incorrect; it needs to be 'memories of you and me'. However, I think a simple 'memories of you' would read even better.

My suggestion is something like this (also note I split the run-on sentence into two):I sat in the backseat as memories of you swept over me. I couldn’t fight back the imminent stream of tears.

[Alpha Echo]

Can you show me an example of a passive voice? I'm really not aware of what that looks like (sounds like?) :)

Passive Voice is when you can add "by" or "from" at the end. Like...


She'd received the papers that she now held in her hand.


Received from whom? That's passive voice. It's not always bad. If used well, it can make a point or tie in with the voice or mood.

So you could change the above sentence to...


Paul had given her the papers she now held in her hand.


Okay, really bad sentence, but do you see where I'm going with that?

Another example...


The boy was bitten by the dog.


You want it to be active....


The dog bit the boy.


Here's some links:

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_actpass.html
http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/passivevoice.html

[FennelGiraffe]

She'd received the papers that she now held in her hand. No, that's not passive. It's just past perfect.

Passive voice, present tense: The papers are received (by her).
Passive voice, past tense: The papers were received (by her).
Passive voice, past perfect tense: The papers had been received (by her).

Active voice, present tense: She receives the papers.
Active voice, past tense: She received the papers.
Active voice, past perfect tense: She had received the papers.

[Bufty]

This opening doesn't feel right to me - I feel as if I'm going forward, then backwards and then back even farther - is it just me?

In an hour’s time, the entire family and I began our four hour trek to Las Vegas, where you’d been airlifted from your hotel room in Bullhead City.

[jennifer75]

This opening doesn't feel right to me - I feel as if I'm going forward, then backwards and then back even farther - is it just me?

Yea I'm gonna re-write that paragraph to flow better with the one that precedes it.

[jennifer75]

Jennifer, in another thread I suggested rewriting the second sentence as:Flash flood warnings were reported from Fontana to the state line--almost our entire course--but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you.At the time, I left the passive voice ('were reported') as is because I thought this was a halfway reasonable (or at least not horrible) use of it, and because you had so many other questions I didn't want to pile on.

However, now that I see it in context, I've changed my mind. You have two passive voice sentences in the same paragraph. That's a lot. The first one, 'you'd been airlifted', doesn't flow well when rephrased to active voice, and it isn't important to tell who did the airlifting. Also, it's a common expression. I think it's better off staying passive.

That means the second one really should be fixed. Doing so gracefully requires major surgery. Perhaps something like:Almost our entire route--from Fontana to the state line--was under flash flood warnings, but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you.I agree with other posters that 'heightened' isn't the right word for memories. You've been given some good suggestions, but I'd like to point out that you have an opportunity here to use some linking imagery. There is the external, actual flood, and it is also common to talk about a flood of memories and a flood of tears. Obviously, you can't repeat the word 'flood' that many times, but you can use related words. Actually, 'stream of tears' is already doing so. (Did you think of this, or was it a coincidence?). I would suggest replacing 'heightened' with 'engulfed me' or 'swept over me' or 'flowed into my mind'.

Again, other posters have already explained that 'memories of you and I' is incorrect; it needs to be 'memories of you and me'. However, I think a simple 'memories of you' would read even better.

My suggestion is something like this (also note I split the run-on sentence into two):I sat in the backseat as memories of you swept over me. I couldn’t fight back the imminent stream of tears.


The "you and I" error threw me off.....I've always stuck to that rule when speaking.....thought it applied to written context as well.

When I get home I'll work on the piece based on all the suggestions here, thanks!!!

Would it be horrible of me to ask for someone to crit/beta the piece once I've finished? WITHOUT posting in the SYW threads...I'd cry if I received more than 2 crits, then I'd just be more confused if opinions clashed. I just want to be at a place where I love it - and at least one other person does too.

[maestrowork]

Received from whom? That's passive voice. It's not always bad. If used well, it can make a point or tie in with the voice or mood.


No. "She'd received a letter" is not passive. It's active. "Receive" is an active act. She's doing the receiving.

"The letter had been received" is passive voice.

[Donkey]

I sat in the backseat as memories of you swept over me. I couldn’t fight back the imminent stream of tears.


I was thinking along the same lines....
flooded my mind
inundated my thoughts
overwhelmed my emotions
shot holes in my heart


None of them strike me as perfect, but any of them would get the point across.

[cara k]

Jennifer--

'You and I' is correct if it's the subject. As an object, you'd use 'you and me'. I agree with others, that the first sentence could use some restructuring. I also like the suggestion that you rephrase 'as low as Fontana' because, since you're talking about floods, the word 'low' made me think of the level of the water, instead of a southerly direction. I also agree that the phrase 'memories of you and me' would be stronger without the 'me'. In fact, I think it would be better if you left out 'you and me' altogether. Since you follow with the memories, it's obvious whom you're referring to. Good luck.

[Fern]

Below are a couple links that might be helpful in sorting out active/passive.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_actpass.html

http://oregonstate.edu/dept/eli/buswrite/passive_voice.html

Oops! I see one of those has already been provided above.