Would u ever consider reading ahead?

midknighthaze said:

CHAPTER ONE:
A typical day at the Johnsons' began like no other when Breana Daniels woke on a very gloomy Monday (how was it gloomy?). Peeling off her sheets, she hopped (a popular phrasing, yes, but "hopped" doesn't fit the gloomy atmosphere you're setting up - maybe slid) out of bed. She had barely wiped the sleep from her eyes when upon swinging her bedroom door open, a bucket, purposely placed over her door tipped, and spilled an icky glop of brown goo. Sentence is awkward. Maybe something like "She swung her bedroom door open, eyes still caked with sleep, when a bucket tipped over and spilled her with brown goo."

She groaned. Typical day. Clenching her teeth, she headed downstairs then down you said down twice in a short number of words the hall where she heard the kitchen TV blaring loudly. I’m going to give that girl a piece of my mind--

She stopped dead in her tracks, seeing her grandmother and uncle were also in the kitchen. To avoid humiliation, she was slowly tiptoeing backwards towards the stairs.

“Why don’t you join us Breana?” Blake said. Since Blake was referred to as a girl earlier, this doesn't sound like the sort of thing a teen or child would say. Maybe more like "Oh hey Breana! Where you going?" enough to catch her family's attention.

Breana turned back around to face Blake and saw her smirking Blake has always struck me as a male name, but okay. Uncle Joe and Grams who sat at the kitchen table, wearing their usual distasteful looks for when Breana was mentioned or nearby, but that quickly changed when they gaped up at her.

"Yes, why don’t you come sit down?” Grams asked sweetly sweetly really contrasts from the fact that they had distasteful looks around her. I don't think they're that good at faking. Breana hesitantly show her coming hesitantly. What does she do? came to the table and took her seat across from her cousin, Blake. Grams stood up against her cane and retrieved Breana’s plate of breakfast from the kitchen counter.

That never happens. Breana bit inside her lip. Mumbling thanks, she tried not to gaze up at anyone and stared hard at her plate. After a minute passed, Breana wondered if they were ever going to say anything but it didn’t come. She glanced up to see Blake grinning ear to ear watching the tube while Uncle Joe sat there reading the Miami Gazette.Grams ate contently.

Breana wolfed down her eggs and toast, then attempted to get up as quickly as possible. Instead, she collapsed right back into her seat. Blake, realizing this, let out a howl. Grams and Uncle Joe chimed in.

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I've got up to this point, and there so far hasn't been anything to keep me reading. I'm not sure what the plot is supposed to be, but remember you have to hook your reader with something very interesting within the first few paragraphs.

Also, your sentence structure needs some work, along with comma usage. Try comparing some of the changes I made in red to your original.

You might want to change your lead sentence to the one suggested in the second post. Yours is: A typical day at the Johnsons began like no other when Breana Daniels awoke on a very gloomy Monday.

A typical day does not begin like no other. A typical day begins the same as all the others.



"Peeling off her sheets she hopped out of bed, barely wiped the sleep from her eyes when upon swinging her bedroom door open, a bucket, purposely placed over her door tipped, and spilled an icky glop of brown goo."

This sentence is loaded with confusion. You might want to read it out loud to get an idea of what it is you're trying to say compared what you're actually saying here. Maybe chop it into two coherent sentences.


To avoid humiliation, she was slowly tiptoeing backwards towards the stairs when, “Why don’t you join us Breana?” Blake said.

This also causes confusion. You slip into dialogue incorrectly.

Viral's suggestions seem pretty accurate to me. Looks like it can use some polishing...but it's got bones...keep working at it...you'll make it. Good luck.

I would like it if you pulled back a little so that we have more context for what's going on. You say it's a 'typical day' - is it typical in the sense that her sister (?) is always pulling these kinds of stupid pranks? Is this the kind of family where dumb pranks are just another way of saying 'I love you,' or is this the kind of family where one person gets to walk over everyone else just because she's so cute and adorable, or is this the kind of family where one person terrorizes the others and they can't do anything about it...?

I think it's hard for me to sympathize with Breana because I don't understand why all of this is happening to her. It seems extreme for sibling fighting, without more context to go on - and I know sibling fighting!

I would definitely avoid "typical day" so early in the story. My first impulse was to try to garner something from the description that would tell me what "typical" was exactly. I was lost. Is every day gloomy? By gloomy are we talking about weather outside or the immediate feeling of depression upon consciousness and the sense of being unable to escape the situation or location? If it is so typical, why doesn't the MC know that the bucket will be resting on the top of the door?

Another thing, if the story takes place at the Johnson's house, why is our main character's name Daniels? I get the possibility that Grams and Uncle Joe have a different last name, but the approach could be handled differently to avoid confusion. You've introduced the Johnsons but you assume the reader will be able to tell who they are, or are they not there at all? Are the Daniels squatters who roam from vacant house to vacant house?

Definitely bones here in this beginning but try to treat it as a first draft, not a final product. It doesn't have to be perfect right off the bat, just keep writing. Don't be afraid to rewrite to establish point of view and pacing. As mentioned earlier, read portions aloud and ask yourself if they sound natural.


Keep writing!

What other roles does Blake play? So far ... she seems a little more interesting than Breana in all honesty. And in my experience Blake is usually a male name as well. Not much else to say. What's the plot here. I hear fantasy but see nothing fantastical. The first page usually isn't enough for me to make a proper judgement on, I usually need the entire chapter. Post up the re-write though, don't forget.

I"m one of those crazies who reads the last page first. I have to know how it ends.

Aww, Kody, you're not a crazy. I like to read the first and last 20 pages first. In case I am not in fit state to finish the book. Hah.

I'm worse if its contemp.
I want to know who the MC is with, or if he/she winds up with anyone.
I"m not a fan of surprises.

I like to read the last sentence of the last page. I don't know why, but I do it with every book I read.

When I read romances, I always read the first few pages and the last few pages.
If the last few pages has the male love interest explaining away his behavior as, "I treated you so rottenly because I love you so!"
And does not result in the female love interest saying, "F*U Jack***, I'm running off with the rival who treated me rightly!"
I usually put those books back.
I don't usually read ahead in any other genre though, just the romance ones.

Before the conversation on reading the ending began...this thread was dead since September. You're now having an unrelated discussion in a thread that died.

Pfffsh. Gravedigging is fun.

And I never read the last page first (well, not on purpose, anyway). I like being surprised, not knowing if she's gonna end up here or there. That way I get really upset when something negative happens, rather than just saying 'oh, that's okay, it'll blow over.'

Terri said:

Pfffsh. Gravedigging is fun.

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*nods*

grave-digging may very well be fun...but the conversation has ZERO to do with the OP's original post. ZERO.

I agree.

I'm sure we could start a new thread for this conversation if you want. I don't really see why it matters.

But yes, for the record, you're right. I made the same observation at first, but just decided to go with it. Whee~

And to be fair, the current conversation has more to do with the thread's title the original post itself.

i think that's an excellent idea...because it is a good conversational topic. you would get more people chiming in if you started a new thread about peeking at the ending.