Unwanted alliteration!

stuckupmyownera · Jul 28, 2008

I'm not really sure if this is a grammar question but this seemed the best place to get help. The sentence below is driving me crazy. How can I rewrite it without all those 'f's?

[FONT=&quot]Stripped to nothing in his fight to save Sophie and forced to confront his guilt, Aaron finally faces a fundamental decision which will decide all their futures.[/FONT]

alleycat · Jul 28, 2008

Well, if you just want to "fix it" as it is, you could use "confronts" in place of "faces" and "crucial" in place of "fundamental" (or just leave out fundamental entirely). Fate might be a better word in place of futures. Your call.

Roger J Carlson · Jul 28, 2008

Not to mention that a "decision which will decide" is a little redundant.

I'd need more information though. Is Aaron nude? (Stripped to nothing...)

However, the last part could be something like: "...Aaron's next decision will affect all all their futures."

stuckupmyownera · Jul 28, 2008

Ummm, thanks, alleycat, but I'm trying to get rid of some 'f's, so 'fate' doesn't really help, and that would be repeating the word 'confronts' (which adds to the 'f' problem too).
'Crucial' is not a bad suggestion though...

StoryG27 · Jul 28, 2008

stuckupmyownera said:
[FONT=&quot]Stripped to nothing in his fight to save Sophie and forced to confront his guilt, Aaron finally faces a fundamental decision which will decide all their futures.[/FONT]

Just play with it. Maybe something like this:
Stripped to nothing in his struggle to save Sophie and forced to confront his guilt, Aaron faces a (crucial? pivotal?) decision which will decide all their futures (or fates).

stuckupmyownera · Jul 28, 2008

Roger J Carlson said:
Not to mention that a "decision which will decide" is a little redundant.

Thanks, Roger - totally didn't spot that!

No, he's not nude. He's stripped of power, pride, dignity etc. I think (hope) it makes sense when you've read the rest of the paragraph.

alleycat · Jul 28, 2008

stuckupmyownera said:
Ummm, thanks, alleycat, but I'm trying to get rid of some 'f's, so 'fate' doesn't really help, and that would be repeating the word 'confronts' (which adds to the 'f' problem too).
'Crucial' is not a bad suggestion though...

Oh, sorry. I was concentrating on the second half of the sentence since that's where the all "f-words" really becomes noticeable.

I don't it matter how many words beginning with a certain letter you have, as longer as it doesn't become noticeable.

C.bronco · Jul 28, 2008

stuckupmyownera said:
I'm not really sure if this is a grammar question but this seemed the best place to get help. The sentence below is driving me crazy. How can I rewrite it without all those 'f's?

[FONT=&quot]Stripped to nothing in his fight to save Sophie and forced to confront his guilt, Aaron faces a key decision which will affect everyone.[/FONT]

?

FennelGiraffe · Jul 28, 2008

stuckupmyownera said:
How can I rewrite it without all those 'f's?

[FONT=&quot]Stripped to nothing in his fight to save Sophie and forced to confront his guilt, Aaron finally faces a fundamental decision which will decide all their futures.[/FONT]

Thesaurus

fight: struggle, battle, duel, combat

forced: compelled, obligated

finally: ultimately, eventually, at last

faces: encounters, meets, comes to grips with

fundamental: basic, essential, core

futures: destinies

stuckupmyownera · Jul 28, 2008

I think I've got it.

...Aaron must make a pivotal choice...

I love you guys - it helps so much just to get some fresh eyes on the matter.
Thanks

ideagirl · Jul 28, 2008

alleycat said:
Well, if you just want to "fix it" as it is, you could use "confronts" in place of "faces" and "crucial" in place of "fundamental" (or just leave out fundamental entirely). Fate might be a better word in place of futures. Your call.

I second that. And ditch the "finally"--you don't need it.

Roger J Carlson · Jul 28, 2008

stuckupmyownera said:
I think I've got it.

...Aaron must make a pivotal choice...

I love you guys - it helps so much just to get some fresh eyes on the matter.
Thanks

Simplicity is best most of the time.

Matera the Mad · Jul 28, 2008

i haz got thesaurus

lol

blacbird · Jul 28, 2008

This sentence is a classic example of my rule of thumb for my own writing: If a given sentence bothers me, chances are it doesn't need "fixed". It needs jettisoned, and whatever information or thought is in it needs to be expressed differently. For starters, that initial clause, which constitutes fully half the sentence, is just begging to be got rid of. Any time you have a dependent clause at the beginning of a sentence that eats up that much verbiage, the sentence is a hopeless failure from the get-go.

This reads like a synopsis sentence in a query, so I'll assume that's what it is. It suffers from the sin of trying to contain too much information in a single sentence. Rewrite. Rewrite. Rewrite.

caw

maestrowork · Jul 28, 2008

To me, your alliteration is just a symptom of the wordiness in the sentence. There's a lot of redundancy -- saying the same thing with multiple words. Try to pare it down and you will find your problem will be magically "fixed."

StephanieFox · Jul 30, 2008

I do like the idea of a nekkid Aaron.

stuckupmyownera · Jul 30, 2008

Well so do I, but that's beside the point

Unwanted alliteration!

stuckupmyownera

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alleycat

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Roger J Carlson

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stuckupmyownera

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StoryG27

Miss Behave

stuckupmyownera

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alleycat

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C.bronco

I have plans...

FennelGiraffe

It's green they say

stuckupmyownera

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ideagirl

Roger J Carlson

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Matera the Mad

Bartender, gimme a Linux Mint

blacbird

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

StephanieFox

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stuckupmyownera

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