• Read this stickie before posting.

    • In order to reduce the number of new members requesting a Beta reader before they're really ready for one, we've instituted a 50 post requirement before you can start a thread seeking a Beta reader.
    • You can still volunteer to Beta for someone else; just please don't request someone to Beta for you until you're more familiar with the community and our members.

First Short Story

Status
Not open for further replies.

Seeker_87

Registered
Joined
Jul 16, 2008
Messages
6
Reaction score
0
Location
UK
Hey,

I've written my first short story since high school and was hoping that a few of you could read it and tell me if i suck, or even better how to improve on it.

I posted it on my blog, which i haven't used in ages:

http://jcgosling.blogspot.com/

If its better that i post in in here then let me know, its only a copy and paste away.

Thanks in advance for your help,

Jamie
 
alleycat

alleycat

Still around
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 18, 2005
Messages
72,919
Reaction score
12,277
Location
Tennessee
First, congratulations on writing your first short story in a while.

There's a number of things I could say about your writing, some good, some not do good. I like the story idea itself. The main thing that stuck out to me when I was reading your story (admittedly, I was reading it because you were looking for comments) was that the writing itself often seemed "forced", that is, as though you were striving too hard to make the reader "see" the same things you saw in your own mind as you were writing it. Does that make sense?

A suggestion (which you are free to take or not, of course): trying doing another version of the story where you tone down the language somewhat and don't try to be so descriptive at every turn. You don't have to try to write like Hemingway, just let your writing flow a little more naturally.

I hope my comments are constructive and helpful; that's the way I meant them

Good luck with your writing.
 
Last edited:

Seeker_87

Registered
Joined
Jul 16, 2008
Messages
6
Reaction score
0
Location
UK
Thank you for the comments.

I'm having a little trouble getting my head around the passive and active tense:

Here is the original:

It was in this rhythmic switching of the lights, the perpetual heartbeat of electricity that his dreams and reality gave way to madness and disillusionment. His dreams were occupied by a dark haired, green eyed temptress. Every night she urged him to join her, to love her and with every dream, he fell deeper in love with her. They walked together on the beach; holding hands, smiling, soaking up the serene saga in which they found themselves...

Change:

It was in this rhythmic switching of the lights that his dreams and reality, gave way to madness and disillusionment. A dark haired, green eyed siren, occupied his dreams. She beseeched him to love her, pleading for him to join her and he did. They walked together on the beach; holding hands, smiling, soaking up the serene saga in which they found themselves. In time their passion for each other grew stronger, the bridge between his reality and dreams grew fainter each night.
Could you give an example of how i should write one of the lines?


sorry and thanks again! - Posted an updated version.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.