Is this the correct wording?

scully931 · Jul 23, 2008

Jessie had been standing on the hill for hours before the Council members arrived.

Something about it strikes me as odd. Or am I odd? :tongue

I know if there's a problem you guys will find it! Thanks!

jennifer75 · Jul 23, 2008

Well, had she, or did it just feel like forever? I'm a rookie with this writing stuff...I don't see anything wrong with it.

Maybe ...

Jessie had been standing on the hill for hours before the Council members finally arrived.

FennelGiraffe · Jul 23, 2008

It's a simultaneous action problem. "Had been standing" implies that something else was happening at the same time as she was standing there.

Jessie stood on the hill for hours before the Council members arrived.

or

Jessie had been standing on the hill for hours when the Council members finally arrived.

ETA: In my second suggestion "finally" may not be mandatory.

scully931 · Jul 23, 2008

Yes, she actually had been standing there for hours. She didn't mind either, so it wasn't that it felt so long. Thanks! I think maybe I look for trouble.

Matera the Mad · Jul 23, 2008

Nothing wrong with the sentence. If it had "finally" in it, that useless bit could be cut first thing at streamlining time

scully931 · Jul 23, 2008

Thanks. I think what was bothering me is this... it'd be fine if the first thing in the scene was the introduction of Jessie standing there. But, the Council is introduced then I use that sentence.

jennifer75 · Jul 23, 2008

scully931 said:
Yes, she actually had been standing there for hours. She didn't mind either, so it wasn't that it felt so long. Thanks! I think maybe I look for trouble.

Sometimes looking for trouble is the best way to get it right!

dpaterso · Jul 24, 2008

I wondered if Jessie had a watch?

Fun variant:

Jessie had been waiting on the hilltop for what seemed like ages before the Council finally arrived.

-Derek

RJK · Jul 24, 2008

Methinks you weren't paying a lot of attention on the day teacher covered 'had been' in grammar school. I was day dreaming that day too. The sentence is correct but doesn't quite sound right to your ear. Try "Jessie waited on the hill..."

James81 · Jul 24, 2008

Try:

Jesse stood on the hill for hours before the Council members arrived.

Is this the correct wording?

scully931

So you're suggesting what? Bigfoot?

jennifer75

SupahStah!

FennelGiraffe

It's green they say

scully931

So you're suggesting what? Bigfoot?

Matera the Mad

Bartender, gimme a Linux Mint

scully931

So you're suggesting what? Bigfoot?

jennifer75

SupahStah!

dpaterso

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RJK

Sheriff Bullwinkle the Poet says:

James81

Great Scott Member