Opinions on a sentence

scully931 · Jul 22, 2008

I prefer this:

“Blasted hill!” croaked an elderly voice. Strom Eltman wobbled into the center of the stone circle leaning heavily on a large stick he had found along the way.

But, technically I realize it looks like the stone circle is leaning heavily on a large stick. But, does it read that way?

Other two choices:

“Blasted hill!” croaked an elderly voice. Leaning heavily on a large stick he had found along the way, Strom Eltman wobbled into the center of the stone circle.

or

"Blasted hill!" croaked an elderly voice. Strom Eltman, leaning heavily on a wooden stick he'd found along the way, wobbled into the center of the stone circle.

Anyway... opinions much appreciated. Thank you! :e2flowers

alleycat · Jul 22, 2008

You could make it three sentences.

“Blasted hill!” croaked an elderly voice. Strom Eltman wobbled into the center of the stone circle. He was leaning heavily on a large stick he had found along the way.

Or something like, "Stopping to catch his breath, he leaned wearily on a large stick. . . "

Personally, I don't care much for the use of "wobbled" in the sentence as you have it. Maybe "hobbled"?

sheadakota · Jul 22, 2008

"Blasted hill!" Strom Eltman wobbled and stooped to catch his breath. He leaned heavily on a large walking stick as he entered the middle of the stone circle.

I don't care for the 'croaked an elderly voice.

maestrowork · Jul 22, 2008

I find the visuals of him leaning on the stick while wobbling into the stone circle hard to imagine. He's either leaning, or he's wobbling, but not at the same time.

Maybe you're talking about putting his weight on the stick while wobbling...

leon66a · Jul 22, 2008

When I read it, I did not think that the circle was leaning on the stick. That seems an unlikely interpretation, although I understand the technical reading.

I liked the word wobble, but agree that croaked gets to what you want with elderly voice.

scully931 · Jul 22, 2008

It's always interesting to hear everyone's different opinions. They always vary so much. I really appreciate the help and suggestions!

FionnJameson · Jul 22, 2008

I prefer the second choice. It just flows more, IMHO.

rugcat · Jul 22, 2008

If you like your original sentence, putting a comma after "circle" will avoid the awkward interpretation.

dpaterso · Jul 22, 2008

I didn't think the stone circle was leaning on a large stick, but while many of the suggestions read well, inserting the comma would appear to offer the simplest solution to your sentence angst.

-Derek

Matera the Mad · Jul 23, 2008

I vote for the comma. Nothing wrong with the sentence a little dot with a tail won't fix.

Bufty · Jul 24, 2008

Pretty much six-of-one and half-a-dozen of the other, but from how it's written, I assume nobody immediately recognised the voice.

A comma fixes it okay, but to my eye, the dialogue is at the wrong end of the excerpt. JAS.

Strom Eltman shuffled into the center of the stone circle, leaning on a dead branch he must have picked up along the way. "Blasted hill," wheezed the old man.

scully931 said:
I prefer this:

“Blasted hill!” croaked an elderly voice. Strom Eltman wobbled into the center of the stone circle leaning heavily on a large stick he had found along the way.

But, technically I realize it looks like the stone circle is leaning heavily on a large stick. But, does it read that way?

Other two choices:

“Blasted hill!” croaked an elderly voice. Leaning heavily on a large stick he had found along the way, Strom Eltman wobbled into the center of the stone circle.

or

"Blasted hill!" croaked an elderly voice. Strom Eltman, leaning heavily on a wooden stick he'd found along the way, wobbled into the center of the stone circle.

Anyway... opinions much appreciated. Thank you!

James81 · Jul 24, 2008

Try:

Strom Eltman wobbled into the center of the stone cirle and leaned on a large stick he had found along the way.

Blasted hill, he thought. Your legs aren't what they used to be.

My own personal rule is to eliminate useless dialogue. It's a story--a novel--not a screenplay.

Bufty · Jul 24, 2008

Eh? You can't be seriously suggesting thoughts are okay but dialogue isn't.

James81 said:
...
It's a story--a novel--not a screenplay.

scully931 · Jul 24, 2008

But... but... I love dialogue.

haha... anyway, I think I found some great solutions. Thanks, guys! By the way, someone telling me to ADD a comma was the highlight of the day.

James81 · Jul 24, 2008

Bufty said:
Eh? You can't be seriously suggesting thoughts are okay but dialogue isn't.

Sure I am.

When the dialogue is as clunky is the example in this thread, it works better as a thought process than a dialogue.

Bufty · Jul 24, 2008

Each to his own, but I would hesitate to describe a self-explanatory two-word snip of dialogue as clunky in any way.

Opinions on a sentence

scully931

So you're suggesting what? Bigfoot?

alleycat

Still around

sheadakota

part of the human equation

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

leon66a

scully931

So you're suggesting what? Bigfoot?

FionnJameson

Fionn: 0/Year: 24

rugcat

Lost in the Fog

dpaterso

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

Matera the Mad

Bartender, gimme a Linux Mint

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

James81

Great Scott Member

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

scully931

So you're suggesting what? Bigfoot?

James81

Great Scott Member

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?