Help! It’s my 2-hour time of rewriting and I suck at it.

pretticute80 · Jul 17, 2008

Hopefully this is the proper place to ask and not a redundant thread.

It’s my 2-hour time of rewriting and I am working on my 1rst chapter where my two MC’s meet for the first time. There is very little dialogue in it. My mission tonight (after surfing this site yesterday) was to weed out words like that and as (two of my biggest enemies). I think I have a good handle on them, however, I have many pronouns. I know it’s impossible to rid my story of them completely but I want to minimize my usage. I also don’t want to use their names as frequently either, which is why I have so many pronouns in the first place, but can’t figure a way out of either.
I didn’t want to post my work since I am still in the polishing stages but here are a few lines to give you guys an idea. (Hopefully they are good examples and if there are any other mistakes you notice please point them out.)
His kindred’s summoning demanded his lethargic body to waken and aid him.
A fate, he did not doubt would be his own. Even without the ankle tracer limiting his powers and the drug slowing his motor skills, he would be no match for a lair full of soul-keepers.
Any ideas, suggestion, great fictional books possibly that have limited dialogue –I will take anything that will help me kill the he’s/she’s and her’s/his’. If this isn’t something I should obsessed over, please say so.

Bufty · Jul 17, 2008

Hi pretticute.

Two things.

First, dialogue is your friend. It's what brings characters to life.

And second, nothing wrong with pronouns so long as the reader knows to whom they refer.

To minimise them you have to try rephrasing the sentence concerned. It's tricky fiddling with sentences out of context, but one of them is pretty easy to fix. It's not perfect but you'll get the idea.

Even without the ankle tracer limiting his powers and the drug slowing his motor skills, he would be no match for a lair full of soul-keepers.

Even unhampered by the ankle tracer and the drug, he would still be no match for a lair full of soul-keepers.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Excessive pronouns are usually the result of rushing and/or too much telling and unnecessary explaining. In the sentence I quoted you have explained the effects of the ankle tracer and the drug - I doubt that is needed.

Good luck

pretticute80 · Jul 17, 2008

Thank for responding so fast! :snoopy:

Dialogue is a friend of mine’s but for the scene to work right, I kept it to a minimum. Who knows though, like everything else, it may change in the zillion rewrite.
I appreciate the rewrite –it flows better. The tracer and the drug do play a big part in the scene because it explains why my female MC is able to escape him. I know just reading the few lines probably do not help but I didn’t want to post it in Share Your Work because it still needs polishing. I didn’t want anyone to yell at me or not read it for common grammatical mistakes.
I really want to avoid telling too much but struggle with leaving out too much since it’s a fantasy novel.

Bufty · Jul 17, 2008

Okay, but if you use dialogue properly you can't be telling, can you?

Not sure how the fact it's a fantasy novel has any bearing on 'leaving out too much'. If it's essential to the story you put it in - if it's not, you leave it out.

And if you are using POV correctly keep trying to show what happens as perceived through the POV character's senses.

Avoid filtering phrases like he felt, he thought, he saw -simply relate what it was that he felt, thought or saw.

Anyway -good luck to you, friend.

And nobody in SYW will shout or yell at you if you ask to be treated gently. :Hug2:

pretticute80 said:
Thank for responding so fast!
Dialogue is a friend of mine’s but for the scene to work right, I kept it to a minimum. Who knows though, like everything else, it may change in the zillion rewrite.
I appreciate the rewrite –it flows better. The tracer and the drug do play a big part in the scene because it explains why my female MC is able to escape him. I know just reading the few lines probably do not help but I didn’t want to post it in Share Your Work because it still needs polishing. I didn’t want anyone to yell at me or not read it for common grammatical mistakes.
I really want to avoid telling too much but struggle with leaving out too much since it’s a fantasy novel.

Shadow_Ferret · Jul 17, 2008

Might I say that I hate your font? It's unreadable. For example, what the heck is this word?

pretticute80 said:
1rst

thecraftteens · Jul 17, 2008

pretticute80 said:
Dialogue is a friend of mine’s

And also, this threw me in loops. :tongue

drachin8 · Jul 17, 2008

pretticute80 said:
I really want to avoid telling too much but struggle with leaving out too much since it’s a fantasy novel.

The cool thing about leaving things out is giving the reader just enough for flavor and understanding but not so much as to destroy the mystery. It's fun to make connections while you read as opposed to having them all made for you in early blocks of text. And you'd be surprised at what you can get away with leaving out. Hehe.

-Michelle

Autodidact · Jul 17, 2008

His kindred’s summoning demanded his lethargic body to waken and aid him.

I wanted to take a stab at this but realized I didn't know what it meant. Maybe because I lack the context. What is a kindred's summoning? It seems to be that you're using a gerund/noun form of a verb "summoning" when you could be using a verb "to summon" and you know verbs are the best. Also dependent clauses are great for smoothing transititions. So, depending on exactly what a "kindred's summoning" is, Could it read:
When his kindred summoned him, it demanded...
or "Hid kindred demanded that his lethargic body wake..."

Kalyke · Jul 17, 2008

You are having such a hard time with some of those sentences because they are evasive and passive. They don't necessarily follow the constructs for "passive" but your subject is totally "somewhere" in the object area. Sorry to say this, but it needed to be pointed out.

Alpha Echo · Jul 17, 2008

drachin8 said:
And you'd be surprised at what you can get away with leaving out.

This is true.

And I thought the sentences sounded just fine. It's hard to tell for sure without more, but I think they work. Just mix up pronouns and names, and you'll be okay. I can't think of another way to talk about a person other than "the girl" or the "old man." But that doesn't always work.

Bufty · Jul 17, 2008

They don't work, and if the whole story is composed of sentences like that... as the song goes...there may be trouble ahead.

pretticute80 · Jul 17, 2008

Ah, thank you guys for responding.

Shadow_Ferret said:
Might I say that I hate your font? It's unreadable. For example, what the heck is this word?

It’s 1rst. Sorry if my text is bothersome :Hammer:

–it’s what I normally type in but I can definitely post in something different if it helps.

thecraftteens said:
And also, this threw me in loops.

I was just telling Buffy I do like dialogue and use it but in this scene, I kept it to a minimum. Of course, this is only the first rewrite and things change along the way. :e2writer:

Autodidact said:
I wanted to take a stab at this but realized I didn't know what it meant. Maybe because I lack the context. What is a kindred's summoning? It seems to be that you're using a gerund/noun form of a verb "summoning" when you could be using a verb "to summon" and you know verbs are the best. Also dependent clauses are great for smoothing transititions. So, depending on exactly what a "kindred's summoning" is, Could it read:

Autodidact said:
When his kindred summoned him, it demanded...
or "Hid kindred demanded that his lethargic body wake..."

When his kindred summoned him, it demanded seems more appropriate in my story context –thank you. I know it’s hard to help generalize with just one or two sentences provided and I truly appreciate your taking the time out to help me.

Use Her Name said:
You are having such a hard time with some of those sentences because they are evasive and passive. They don't necessarily follow the constructs for "passive" but your subject is totally "somewhere" in the object area. Sorry to say this, but it needed to be pointed out.

There’s no reason to be sorry. It’s the reason why I posted this in the first place. However, is it possible for you to elaborate (if you have the time) or give an example so I am sure I understand? :e2smack:

Alpha Echo said:
And I thought the sentences sounded just fine. It's hard to tell for sure without more, but I think they work. Just mix up pronouns and names, and you'll be okay. I can't think of another way to talk about a person other than "the girl" or the "old man." But that doesn't always work.

I do mix up the names and the pronouns but I worry it’s too much. Like I think I had somewhere between 100 pronouns in 4000 words. Some of it I know, I can get around –I just have to figure out how.

Bufty said:
They don't work, and if the whole story is composed of sentences like that... as the song goes...there may be trouble ahead.

So true and why I want to nip it in the bud now.

dirtsider · Jul 18, 2008

While you may not feel ready for the SYW, you might want to ask for a beta reader in the beta reader section here on AW or go to a writer's group in your area. The beta will help you point things out like we're doing here but can go line by line if necessary. As for the writer's group, you can read your work out loud and get instant feedback on what works and what doesn't.

pretticute80 · Jul 18, 2008

Thank you dirtslider for the adivce on a beta reader! Even though I know about them I actually hadn't thought about getting one at this stage. I'll check over there.

Bufty · Jul 18, 2008

I doubt many beta readers will give a line-by-line. That's not what they are used for.

pretticute80 · Jul 18, 2008

Bufty said:
I doubt many beta readers will give a line-by-line. That's not what they are used for.

Ah, okay. I actually wouldn’t want to waste anyone time doing a line-by-line (especially for free) but they would be able to tell me if I consistently did something wrong –it would be glaringly obvious to them where it’s not to me, wouldn’t they? I am not seeking to take advantage of a beta reader or anyone else here for a line-by-line because everyone here is working on their own writing so I really wouldn’t ask them that. I planned on seeking out a beta reader when I was on a third rewrite or so, so there won’t be too many obvious mistakes and the reader could focus on plot holes and such.
However, the first rewrite is kicking my butt. This is so different from my case notes and scholarly papers where it’s suppose to be a dull read and bore you to tears.
I planned on finding a local writer group to join but got rope into volunteering doing case management at a shelter so now my only free time is at o’dark-thirty. I have let a few people read it and all of them like it but only one of them actually writes herself so I have trouble getting constructive feedback on what I am doing wrong (I’m not vain enough to believe I am doing everything right). The only thing they ever ask is when I am sending them the next chapter. A good thing to know my WIP is interesting but not so good when it comes to polishing it.

Help! It’s my 2-hour time of rewriting and I suck at it.

pretticute80

Sade -Soldier Of Love

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

pretticute80

Sade -Soldier Of Love

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

Shadow_Ferret

Court Jester

thecraftteens

drachin8

post-apocalyptic bunny

Autodidact

...in my Maidenform Bra.

Kalyke

Alpha Echo

I should be writing.

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

pretticute80

Sade -Soldier Of Love

dirtsider

Not so new, really

pretticute80

Sade -Soldier Of Love

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

pretticute80

Sade -Soldier Of Love