Need Help With a Word

melaniehoo · Jul 15, 2008

Hi there. My MC is getting ready to go to sleep on a mat, but first he needs to unroll it. You know how you grab one end, then flick it out in one motion? I'm stuck on how to describe that. Right now I have this:

Crouching closer to the floor, he unrolled the cushion in one flick.

Would "shake" be better? Or "one swift movement"?

I appreciate your help.

WendyNYC · Jul 15, 2008

"Unfurl" is what I would use.

melaniehoo · Jul 15, 2008

Ooh, that's a good word.

jannawrites · Jul 15, 2008

Ack! That's tough, Melanie. I can't come up with anything. I'll stew on it, though.

ETA: Can you give us the couple surrounding sentences?

Sargentodiaz · Jul 15, 2008

Crouching closer to the floor, he unrolled the cushion in one flick.

I always have a problem with this type of sentence structure. I would make it:

He crouched closer to the floor and ???? the cushion in one flick.
How about - flicked open the cushion?

WendyNYC · Jul 15, 2008

I don't know, "flick" is kind of a sissy word. Doesn't go with "crouch" IMO. How about:

He crouched to the floor and whipped open the rolled cushion.

jannawrites · Jul 15, 2008

Yes! Whipped open! Maybe with a quick snap of his hands or something.

melaniehoo · Jul 15, 2008

Those are all great. lvcabbie, I hear you on the structure so per Janna's request, here's a bit more. He's in a dark storage closet.

Mateo picked [the cushion] up and shuffled around the small room to find a space to lie down. Andy said there was room, he just had to figure out where. He crouched closer to the floor and whipped the cushion open. He crawled across it, ready to pass out, then instantly recoiled. Andy had this mat for a reason.

Honalo · Jul 15, 2008

unwound?

jannawrites · Jul 15, 2008

He crouched closer to the floor and whipped the cushion open.

I really like this.

melaniehoo · Jul 15, 2008

jannawrites said:
I really like this.

Props to Wendy!

That works for me. Thanks for your help everyone.

WendyNYC · Jul 15, 2008

melaniehoo said:
Props to Wendy!

That works for me. Thanks for your help everyone.

Woo hoo! I'll be checking my mail for my cut of your profits.

melaniehoo · Jul 15, 2008

WendyNYC said:
Woo hoo! I'll be checking my mail for my cut of your profits.

LOL, of course!

jannawrites · Jul 15, 2008

Boy, that Wendy's a character. So unassuming and then BOOM! she's talking about porn and demanding money. (In two, unrelated instances, of course.)

melaniehoo · Jul 15, 2008

LOL, for a minute I thought I had an unintentional pron reference in my excerpt.

WendyNYC · Jul 15, 2008

jannawrites said:
BOOM! she's talking about porn and demanding money. (In two, unrelated instances, of course.)

Yes, yes, let's make that clear! Unrelated!

Shadow_Ferret · Jul 15, 2008

lvcabbie said:
Crouching closer to the floor, he unrolled the cushion in one flick.

Actually I see nothing wrong with this at all.

And to me, whipped sounds like an angry motion.

My own personal preference would be to change it to:

He crouched down and with a flick of his wrist, unrolled the cushion.

melaniehoo · Jul 15, 2008

Shadow_Ferret said:
Actually I see nothing wrong with this at all.

And to me, whipped sounds like an angry motion.

My own personal preference would be to change it to:

He crouched down and with a flick of his wrist, unrolled the cushion.

I like that, too, and it's what I was going for with the original phrase, but I worry "flick of the wrist" is too cliched.

Opinions?

quickWit · Jul 15, 2008

Why not just say 'Crouching to the floor, he unrolled the cushion' or 'He crouched to the floor and unrolled the cushion'

Either of those seem fine to me without getting into whether it was flicked, flipped, whipped or unfurled.

Just a thought.

melaniehoo · Jul 15, 2008

He can't see (dark closet) so I was trying to give a visual. But you have a good point.

Stew21 · Jul 15, 2008

I like "unfurled".

Need Help With a Word

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

WendyNYC

fiddle-dee-dee

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

jannawrites

no, really

Sargentodiaz

WendyNYC

fiddle-dee-dee

jannawrites

no, really

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

Honalo

jannawrites

no, really

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

WendyNYC

fiddle-dee-dee

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

jannawrites

no, really

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

WendyNYC

fiddle-dee-dee

Shadow_Ferret

Court Jester

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

quickWit

Totally Ninja!

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

Stew21