Sentences without verbs

robotdg · Jul 14, 2008

I am a screenwriter and lately have been trying to focus on making my action descriptions sharper.

One of the things I notice that I do a lot is drop verbs to give sentences a more "poetic" vibe. Usually done when setting the scene. For example:

"A dark theater. The whir of the projector -- it's beam the only light in the room."

Is there a name for this? I typically write this kind of stuff without thinking about it and now that I am trying to sharpen it I am stuck wondering whether or not it is good or bad that I have left out verbs...

maestrowork · Jul 14, 2008

It's called sentence fragments. I've seen them in screenplay a lot.

Alpha Echo · Jul 14, 2008

I tend to do that sometimes too. I feel that it emphasizes some things. I think it's a good tool, as long as you don't overdo it.

dpaterso · Jul 14, 2008

No problem with short sharp descriptions, but too much of this can become tiring. And, verbs can be the most effective words in your vocabulary, punching up your imagery. Consciously avoiding them seems counterproductive.

Just saying, your slugline could tell us, INT. DARK MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

...which leaves us with the visual,

A projector whirrs, its dazzling white beam slashes the darkness.

Shrug, maybe not, each to their own approach.

-Derek

RJK · Jul 14, 2008

Sounds like author intrusion to me. JMHO

MumblingSage · Jul 14, 2008

RJK--how do you mean? It sounds to me like something that can accentuate a character's POV.

Unless you mean this is what you do in your screenplays? In that case (though I'm sort of the opposite of an expert here), is that even allowed formatting-wise? I've never seen a script, at least, with description like that.

Kalyke · Jul 14, 2008

In dialog it is especially useful and more naturalistic.

stuckupmyownera · Jul 14, 2008

I've read this kind of stuff in screenplays but personally I don't like it - I don't find it a natural way to read and the images tend to feel rather disjointed. Which is ok for certain moments, of course, but not as a general rule. IMHO.

You could easily change it to
A dark theater. The projector whirs, its beam the only light in the room.
And it reads much better. IMHO

robotdg · Jul 14, 2008

stuckupmyownera: but aren't "a dark theater" and the clause "its beam the only light in the room" still fragments in want of a verb? I do like yours better though... but I could see myself asking the same question with you phrasing...

RJK: could be. but of course in screenplays we intrude quite a lot as par for course. for example... I just wrote "We recognize this scene as the first one in the pilot. We now know that it must have been a flash-forward." clarity (however you achieve it) trumps poetry in this medium.

Ravenlocks · Jul 14, 2008

There's nothing wrong with fragments if they work. But that's the big IF.

RJK · Jul 15, 2008

Just to expand on my earlier post. If I read: "A dark theater. The whir of the projector -- it's beam the only light in the room."
It would pop me right out of the story. I would be looking for the "INT:" before the fragment.
In a screenplay, you are describing a scene for the director. In a novel, you need to place the reader in the room. Again, JMHO.

MumblingSage · Jul 15, 2008

Yeah, I see how that could be distracting. 'Authorial intrusion', though, I rarely think of in terms of awkward prose--I think of it more as halting the plot to wax poetic on something the author loves. A good example being the second-to-last chapter of Ayn Rand's Anthem.

BfloGal · Jul 15, 2008

I understand how short sentences increase the speed of the action, but when I see sentences without verbs (unless it's in dialog or used sparingly in a casual first person narrative) my inner English teacher goes running for her red pen.

maestrowork · Jul 15, 2008

Another thought I have is this: only use fragments for punch. When you use fragments, there's a punchiness to that. Emphasis. Fragments, by nature, draw attention.

So in this excerpt, there's no reason to use fragments because there's on reason to draw attention to the setting, as if it's something surprising or extraordinary. Instead, I agree that you should ease in:

INT. DARK THEATER - DAY

The projector whirs. Its bright beam cuts through the darkness of the auditorium.

ejket · Jul 15, 2008

I wouldn't cultivate a style based on sentence fragments, but they're at least more tolerable in screenplays. Not long ago I threw a book against the wall for overdoing fragments in a stupid, mannered way.

(Applying a book to a wall is a very satisfying way to crit---though it sometimes marks the wall.)

Jayswords · Jul 15, 2008

One other thing to watch out for here is the very obvious; sentences without verbs tend sometimes not to 'go' anywhere.

Sentences without verbs

robotdg

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

Alpha Echo

I should be writing.

dpaterso

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

RJK

Sheriff Bullwinkle the Poet says:

MumblingSage

Inarticulate Herb

Kalyke

stuckupmyownera

Mostly lurking

robotdg

Ravenlocks

How novel.

RJK

Sheriff Bullwinkle the Poet says:

MumblingSage

Inarticulate Herb

BfloGal

Lost in a plot hole

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

ejket

Noobus Perpetuus

Jayswords