Show and Tell Confusion

The first one feels very "telly" to me, but the other two are much better. It's not always a bad thing to have a few sentences that tell rather than show, so long as it's done in moderation.

There are minor errors throughout all three quotes but they're nothing that can't be fixed. I have to run to my volunteer shift at the zoo so I can't contribute more than that at the moment. I'm sure by the time I'm back others will have pointed them out to you.

The below is just my opinion on the passages, so take it for whatever it is worth to you. All critiquing should be taken with a spoonful of sugar and a grain of salt. My opinion is not the law.

Write4U2 said:

"Adrianne didn't want to question why she felt so at ease with him -- relaxed as she had been on the evening they'd spent at a country inn outside London. She wasn't a woman who had legions of friends, but, rather, acquaintances, people who came and went in her life. Where she gave friendship, she gave herself completely, with no limitations, and therefore she gave it carefully. Though trust wasn't fully in place, she felt friendship for him, and despite her reservations was pleased to have him with her."

Click to expand...

This passage definitely feels too strong on the "tell" for me. I would hope that every interaction Adrianne has with somebody else shows this information--how she holds some folk at a distance, yet pulls others close and shares everything with them. The only circumstances I can think of offhand where this would work for me were if we just popped into her POV after observation from a different POV and were now seeing how she viewed herself whereas her actions showed differently. Even then, though, I feel it would be stronger simply to have her interact with people the way her personality dictates and not to tell us how she plans on interacting with them. This version sort of builds up a weaker suspense than you would have if we knew her from her actions (sort of like the excerpt is telling us this is unusual rather than letting us figure out it is unusual from what we know of her so far).

"him -- relaxed" => "him, relaxed" (this doesn't really feel like an interrupt, but more of a clarification, so I suggest a comma)

"a country inn outside London" => "the country inn outside London" OR the actual name of the inn from earlier in the story (I know changing an article from "a" to "the" seems like a tiny change, but each have a very important and distinct implication. I suggest "the" first because it is referring to an event the reader is aware of already, or so I assume. Better yet would be to actually refer to the inn by the name the reader knows from earlier in order to ground the narrative in "reality").

"but, rather, acquaintances," => "but rather acqaintances," (those commas are breaking the flow and forcing these words to disassociate more than I think you want)

"She closed the door between the parlor and her bedroom. It was risky to use the phone. For day she had tried to think of a better, or a safer way. Though she had needed relief, she hadn't touched a tranquilizer or a drink since he announced the trip. Her mind was clearer than it had been in years. So clear it hurt. Still, she could think of no way except the phone. Her only hope was that he wouldn't suspect betrayal from a woman who had tolerated his abuse for so long."

Click to expand...

On the tell side of things, this passage is an improvement on the last, but I do think it is weakening itself. Why tell us she had avoided alcohol and tranquilizers when you can have this whole paragraph instead be her fidgeting in front of the phone, an unopened bottle of liquor next to her hand? She reaches for it, pulls back. Picks up the phone, puts it back down. Show us the fear, the indecision, the nervousness, don't tell us. Set the scene and let it go.

"For day" => "For days" (typo, hehe)

"a better, or a safer way" => "a better, or a safer, way" OR "a better or a safer way" (either both commas in because "safer" is a possible replacement for "better" or both commas out)(one comme in and one out implies that "safer way" is a replacement for "better", which doesn't quite make sense.)

"Chris packed and walked through gathering up trash for the last time. Each room reminded her of the students who had shared the place; scraps of torn sheet music from a frustrated music theory student, the butt of a hand-roll joint, a scruffy brown teddy bear that had fallen behind the bed. She put her hand on the dusty wall, and though if she listened hard enough, she could still hear their conversations, music played too loud, the sound of their voices laughing, crying and singing. Now all she heard was silence."

Click to expand...

I like the first few sentences here. They seem perfectly valid thought processes for Chris, and I can well imagine a character musing on these things. The last few sentences are sort of undoing the connection you built up, though. Distancing me. Filtering through "thought" and "heard" instead of dumping us fully in Chris' head.

Ex with filter words smushed: "She pressed her palm against the dusty wall and willed the laughter, the crying, the singing, and even the music played too loud all to return. Nothing but silence, though."

"shared the place; scraps of" => "shared the place--scraps of" (much better place for an em-dash because you are listing objects very connected with the previous statement, sort of a list of reminders)(one might argue whether Chris is aware that the torn sheet music actually comes from a frustrated student since there could be many other reasons for it, but I leave that to you)

"hand-roll" => "hand-rolled" (typo!)

"dusty wall, and though if she" => "dusty wall and thought if she" (Multiple fixes here! Ditch the comma because the second statement isn't really a standalone clause. And then you typoed "though" instead of "thought")(the list following this also loses clarity, mostly I think because it lacks parallel structure between the elements, or at least enough parallel structure to keep it from falling into confusion)(for me, that is)(hehe)


So, yeah, a few punctuation snafus, a bit of awkwardness, and some reliance on telling when some quick bits of showing can do a much stronger job, but some good stuff in there, too, and nothing a regular round of edits can't tweak into awesomeness.

As mentioned above, sometimes telling is the right way to go, and sometimes showing is better. The hard part is definitely figuring out when is the best time for each. Ugh.




-Michelle

I'm reading these as lightly peppered with punctuation goofs, easily fixed, but as telling, which requires fundamental rewrite. (Yippee, you get to worry about punctuation later.)

I've clashed with people who claim my fixes and explanations merely tell in more detail rather than show, but how about a fast one-pass rewrite which might convert this paragraph to show?

Write4U2 said:

She closed the door between the parlor and her bedroom. It was risky to use the phone. For day she had tried to think of a better, or a safer way. Though she had needed relief, she hadn't touched a tranquilizer or a drink since he announced the trip. Her mind was clearer than it had been in years. So clear it hurt. Still, she could think of no way except the phone. Her only hope was that he wouldn't suspect betrayal from a woman who had tolerated his abuse for so long.

Click to expand...

She closed the door between the parlor and her bedroom. Was the phone too risky? Her mind insisted on replaying the last few days' efforts to find a safer way: Letter, too slow. Throw-away cell phone, too expensive. Hand-delivered message, too unreliable. What was left, carrier pigeons? Sky writing? Shaking her head at her own foolishness, she tugged open the stubborn nightstand drawer to look with longing at the tranquilizers yet again. No. No drugs, no alcohol, not since he announced the trip. Odd, how crisply she thought these last few weeks. Her muzzy thinking had seemed normal, and this new clarity hurt. The only way was the phone. He'd never suspect the woman who'd taken his abuse for so long would betray him--she hoped.

I know, way short of deathless prose--that's your job--but IMO it shows the reader more than the original passage. The main difference is that it places us firmly inside her present-day thoughts, giving them immediacy and a personal-ness, rather than reporting on what those thoughts are and what conclusions she's reached based on them.

Maryn, hoping this helps a little

When confused about show vs. tell, keep it in your mind as simple as possible. I realize neither of the two writing examples I'm about to give will win any awards, but they are just meant to give examples.

Telling directly tells the reader what is happening. "She reached for phone, fear covering her body." See, this is telling the reader she is afraid.

Showing portrays what the character(s) is(are) feeling through actions and lets the reader infer their emotion. "She reached for the phone, then hesitated. Her hand trembled slightly and she had to take a deep breath to steady herself." Now, the reader can infer she is either frightened, nervous, or both.

There is a third part to the show vs. tell debate that is often overlooked, and that is narration. Always keep in mind the effect showing or telling has on pacing. Sometimes your narration will have to be telling, simply because it is the most effective way to get some piece of information out. Other times, it will be most effective to show, really drawing the reader in. Some people will say it is always better to show rather than tell, and that just isn't, in my opinion, true.

The key is, being able to spot both a show and a tell, AND being able to know when it is best to use either. All it takes is practice.