Detail Problems - big words, flowery descriptions

A reader (at least this one) will most definitely notice if the author lays on the heavy condiments on every page. A reader will also notice if a character's speech or thoughts are too far out of normal range for that character. "Justice took no revenue" would stop me cold, thinking what is this writer trying to prove? Take it easy on the ponderous prose, simple words have plenty of power if used well.

It sounds like your 13 year old protagonist swallowed a thesaurus and does not quite know how to use the words. I can actually see a little kid's (don't know which gender) using a word of the day calendar situation. Purple prose by kids has been done quite a lot and often comes off as funny. It usually means they fancy themselves as writers or highly sophisticated. Think: Margaret in "Dennis the Menace."

With such short examples, out of context, it's tough to make any kind of comment, but for what it's worth...

Flowery description doesn't do much for me. I can take it in small doses, but it's one of those things that has a cumulative effect, reducing the substance of a passage or chapter until it's like chewing air.

-Derek

Angelicus said:

Every time I write, I tend to use big words and descriptions to be used in my character's P.O.V. Sure, I can make small scenes into big events, but I always wonder if it's too much for the character to handle. Say for example, if a character is 13, and uses quotes such as, 'a parade of clouds marched silently,' and 'justice took no revenue in this trial of truth; a glimpse of hope finally appeared.' Personally, I like to create stories that give no hint of their future, but it tends to do so anyways (doesn't it?)

So, is using too big of words and descriptions ever appropriate at any time, or will the reader hardly notice when reading the story?

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if your 13-year-old character thinks in these terms -- and often teenagers tend to show off this way -- it can suit. but only if you make this style personal to this character and you do not carry it throughout the book... then it will become tiresome and flat.

generally stay away from big words all you can -- big words kill readers, seriously.

I have yet to see where someone using the big words truly is read much. On occassion, if it fits the character, sure, but over use bores most readers and runs quite a few people away.

I write a lot of first person stories and have a tendency to insert ‘big’ words and complicated phrases that my character would never think or say- all in an attempt to make my prose more ‘writerly’. Big mistake. It took a pretty brutal critique to discover this for myself. Now I try not to use elaborate words or phrases when a more colloquial one will do. Unless of course, it’s called for as part of a personality trait.
If your MC is 13, I’d say keep it simple. Simple doesn’t mean flat or boring, have a look at published works with young narrators and see how they manage to convey a convincing teenage voice.

Angelicus said:

Every time I write, I tend to use big words and descriptions to be used in my character's P.O.V. Sure, I can make small scenes into big events, but I always wonder if it's too much for the character to handle. Say for example, if a character is 13, and uses quotes such as, 'a parade of clouds marched silently,' and 'justice took no revenue in this trial of truth; a glimpse of hope finally appeared.' Personally, I like to create stories that give no hint of their future, but it tends to do so anyways (doesn't it?)

So, is using too big of words and descriptions ever appropriate at any time, or will the reader hardly notice when reading the story?

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I would say that flowery descriptions are okay in some situations - If writing from a characters POV who is extremely focused, for example Monk, then he would be taking in a load of the scenery.

But generally large descriptions stink of school essay type writing.

There are always exceptions but normally, as a reader, flowery, long drawn-out prose will lose me and I'll just stop reading. The biggest reason is because when there is a lot of description and prose, it means there is no action and I like my books to move along. I'll take it in small doses but they'd better be small.

And it usually smacks of "showoffiness" by the author.

Are you trying to sound "writerly"? I think that's the wrong reason to use ornate prose. Prose should be relevant to the tone and style of the story and characters, and should be organic and not forced. I won't object to ornate prose (Michael Chabon does it so well) but if you're telling the story of a 13-year-old girl in modern times, I doubt this kind of prose goes well with the material. At least not in long form.

Angelicus said:

'justice took no revenue in this trial of truth; a glimpse of hope finally appeared.'

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I don't even know what that means, and I'm 31!

IMO, a 13 year old might make the clouds comment, especially if the character is a particularly introspective and observant one, but not that justice comment. It might be just me, but phrases that are just too complicated don't sound right coming from certain people. Imagine some illiterate Middle Ages peasant working in the field making comments like these and you'll see what I mean. I'm not calling teenagers illiterate peasants, but every group has its average of intelligence, and it just seems the average 13 year old wouldn't make such observations.

If it's a 13 year old of above average intelligence, then it makes perfect sense, but you have to keep in mind that the majority of people don't talk/think like that, even if they're adult. (In truth, my speaking/writing is more elaborate than my thinking; my thoughts, if put into exact words, would probably be really moronic!) Flowery prose works only when it's a character who thinks in flowery terms. In my own writing I have some characters who make the most bombastic statements that would sound stilted or ridiculous coming from any of the others, but I hope these comments work with these characters because--well, they're bombastic. Everything is a BIG DEAL to them, thus they use BIG WORDS. The other characters who think in more average terms use more average speech.

Ditto for flowery words/description in narration; it works if it's from the POV of a character who tends to observe things in such a way, but for other characters, and just narration in general, it sounds too forced and inauthentic. It really would make me, at least, stop reading and think, "What the heck is this writer trying to prove...?" Either that, or I would just have no idea what's going on.

That's just my opinion...I'm obviously a little dense at times. *ponders the justice quote again*

I think it depends on how often it is used and whether it fits with the character and story.

I would be very surprised if a 13 year old used those kinds of descriptions and language like that. However, I don't think it would be too much for the character to handle.

I do, on the other hand, think it is too much for the average reader to handle. When it's quite hard for the average reader to understand those descriptions and when they have to re-read sentences to grasp the meaning, the book starts to lose its flow. That's when the reader places the book back on the shelf.

When I'm reading I tend to notice every word in the story, except possibly 'said', therefore I would notice when reading the story.

The writer has to be true to their characters. Not just show off their own vocabulary. And isn't it always amusing when it becomes clear the writer has no idea what their big words or pretentious phrases mean?

Thanks for this thread. I think I've got some of this "flowery prose" in my own WIP. I should trim it, but I was worried that if I didn't put any in that people would think that I wasn't an able writer! =(

Guess that kind of knowledge comes with experience.