Query Letters

[Joe Calabrese]

Hey all.

Let's share our best query letters that got us read requests. Of course, please remove any contact/address info. Just the body of the letter.

This is not meant for critique unless the poster requests it.

Me first. This little gem got me several dozen reads (alas, no sale yet.)
:mad:


Dear ****,

Thank you for posting a screenplay request in ****.

My latest spec, "The Eyes of Mara," has the feel of a classic Kipling action-adventure tale, yet with a strong supernatural element. It has been well received in several major competitions entered and has received a “recommend” from the senior analyst at www.scriptpimp.com. See my website at http://www.josephcalabrese.com for a list of awards.

Logline: A British cartographer puts his maps aside to battle undead warriors and rescue his love before she is sacrificed and transformed into an ancient Hindu she-demon.

Synopsis: Swords and rifles clash in Colonial India, when military cartographer, Lieutenant Jonathan Harrows, discovers a sealed cave temple and unwittingly releases Hindu spirits called Vetalas. The Vetalas demonically possess Jonathan’s self-serving Captain Jones and transform him and his troops into undead warriors. They kidnap Jonathan’s fiancée, Barbara, in order to sacrifice her and, in the process, unleash Mara, a six-armed, ancient Hindu Demoness. Outnumbered and with no time for reinforcements, Jonathan leads a hard-boiled Sergeant Major, a lighthearted Punjabi guide, and a few dozen Peasant Rebels in order to rescue Barbara and defeat the Captain’s legion before Mara is reborn and the British Empire falls under her will.

I feel that "The Eyes of Mara" has complexity, tension and drama yet doesn’t sacrifice any of the pleasures of a fun-filled action-adventure story. I believe it to have strong international appeal with excellent franchise opportunities.

I thank you again for your time and if you wish to read the script, please feel free in contacting me directly, or through my manager.

Sincerely,

JOSEPH CALABRESE

[JustinoXXV]

This query has gotten me read. I've other queries that have gotten me read as well. No sales yet.


Dear Mr. XXXXXXXX:



With your approval I would like to submit the screenplay Orishas of Oyo. Orishas of Oyo are the stories of three warrior goddesses who fight demons and other enemies in order to protect all existence! The goddesses are the warrior woman Oya, the seductive goddess of love Oshun, and the maternal sorceress Yemaya!



I studied history at Cornell University. I have written 8 feature length screenplays, one of which was a work for hire assignment for director XXXXXXXXXX. I worked as an assistant to playwright/director/producer Steve Thornburg at Spotlighton Productions. At, SWB Films, I edited the screenplay for the short film Tragic Loss (in post production) Next, I was an Office PA at Sherry Films, and I’ve also worked as a script reader. Most recently, I edited the screenplay for the short film Atone (now in production).



Orishas of Oyo should do well among audiences that like mythological based shows. Over the years, a variety of animated and live action projects have been based on the gods. It's based on a Nigerian(West African) religion that has a lot of adherents in Latin America, and the Caribbean.

Sincerely,



Justin Samuels




To Whom It May Concern:



I wish to submit my screenplay The Agent. Alice Jones pulls every kind of scam in the book as an agent, from employment agent, to literary agent, to Hollywood agent. Just as she starts to become legit, her past catches up with her. Her scams take her from New York and Los Angeles.



I studied history at Cornell University. I have written 8 feature length screenplays, one of which was a work for hire assignment for director XXXXXXXXX. I worked as an assistant to playwright/director/producer Steve Thornburg at Spotlighton Productions. At, SWB Films, I edited the screenplay for the short film Tragic Loss (in post production) Next, I was an Office PA at Sherry Films, and I’ve also worked as a script reader. Most recently, I edited the screenplay for the short film Atone (now in production).



The Agent is a comedy. It is inspired by real news accounts of various con artists posing as literary agents (particularly Melanie Mills). The market for the agent would be audiences from ages 14-50. The Agent is about a twisted woman determined to succeed at all costs.

Sincerely,



Justin Samuels

[IWrite]

I've only written a few queries - but I've read hundreds - if not thousands, so I'll tell you what it is in a query that grabs my attention.


#1 by a mile is the logline. A compelling logline pulls me in. If I read a logline and can see that there's a movie there even without knowing the story - i.e. visualize the conflict, immediately imagine complications - conceptualize a character arc and get an understanding of the theme. In loglines I'm looking for fresh but familiar - I want something original in the hook. Many loglines do not hit on the freshness. - They read as derivative.

The second thing I look for is tone - on the one hand the letter needs to be professional in that it communicates the information I need to know - but I don't want it to have the tone of a business letter. If it's a comedy - I want the letter to be funny. If it's a thriller, I want to feel a little suspense. The vast majority of the queries I receive have no tone. They are polite, succinct and professional, but very, very dry. I want flavor because I want to get a feel for the writer's sensibilities and style. But not too much flavor - I don't want anything too hokey or gimmicky - no audio visual materials. No bells or whistles. I get mailed queries with mocked up one-sheets or articles from Time magazine which relate to their story - I've received video trailers of scenes. I don't have time to watch a video trailer or read an article in Time. And the story should be strong enough to stand on its own.

Third - brevity. I've gotten emailed queries that are 3 pages long - detailing the writers background, what moved them to write the screenplay, etc.

All I want is to know about the story - the only way your background should be revealed if it is relevant - i.e. if you were a cop for 10 years investigating fraud and your screenplay is about con artists. Also if you have a film degree or have some professional experience screenwriting - that should be included.

I don't want to know how delightful it is - I can decide that on my own. I don't want to know that your friends and your mother loved it.

If you are including a synopsis make sure it is well written, grammatically correct and proofread. A strong logline accompanied by a poorly written query and/or synopsis will be rejected.

Also be sure to do your homework - I get queries all the time for scripts that are not in the genres that we produce (i.e. I get a lot of horror and sci-fi queries, and our company doesn't produce horror or sci-fi) No matter how good the query or logline is, I'm going to reject simply because it's not something we do.

Remember the sole purpose of a query is to get someone to want to read your script. Look at your query objectively and see if it accomplishes this - if not go back to the drawing board.

[JustinoXXV]

IWrite, I think you've ruined the tone of the thread. Joe started a thread asking us post queries that have gotten our scripts read. I don't think this thread was supposed to be about advice on how to write queries, or on what you want.

I would love to see the queries of other people here, in a thread that doesn't have advice.

[Joe Calabrese]

That's okay. It's a very good post. Iwrite has good insights, since he's almost always on the receiving end of them. His observations are welcomed.

The idea was to open a discussion on query letter without it turning into a critique session.

Carry on.

[IWrite]

The following query letter pretty much breaks every rule in the query letter book. I sent it totally blind after reading a little blurb in the trades about a new production company. My accompanying synopsis (which I have not posted) also breaks the biggest rule of synopses - that is I got to the climax and teased.


Dear XXXXXX:

I am in something of a quandary, because I am aware that it is best to pitch only one script in a query, but I have no idea which genre would fit in best with your development slate or would appeal to your sensibilities. Would it be best to go with the high-concept romantic comedy with an action subplot? The action comedy / road movie? Or the more character driven "Sex & the City" type comedy?

I have decided to go with the romantic comedy because I feel it is the most commercial and would appeal to the broadest audience. It is also the project that would require the highest budget - but as you are positioning yourself as a major player, I assume you are not one of those producers who is looking to produce an entire feature for less money than a Guild signatory would pay for the script.

Please be advised that my talent as a screenwriter and storyteller is in no way shape or form reflected in my logline, because to be perfectly honest - I suck at them.

That said, I will make a valiant effort to pique your interest - or at the very least, not turn you off entirely."

LOGLINE & SYNOPSIS

Best regards,

IWrite



This query resulted in a request for the script which resulted in an option, which looks like it will turn into a sale. Just goes to show you, you never know....

[Optimus]

Justino,

Calm down. IWrite's post was very insightful and added much to understanding the subject of the thread.

Just because some of his advice counters the content of your letter is no reason to get all histrionic and judgemental as you usually do.

[Vigorish]

joe asks for ten bucks and maybe a drink if you could spare it and IWRITE, throws us a twenty and a milkshake and you're complaining.

ya can't win to lose around here.

vig

[JustinoXXV]

Opti, I'm not at all making any judgement on IWrite's advice. I just said I'd like to see other's query letters that resulted in REQUESTS. IWrite is free to have whatever opinions he choses.:)

Welcome back, Vig. This place wouldn't have been the same with you. Please keep your cool, though.:)

[Optimus]

Opti, I'm not at all making any judgement on IWrite's advice.

Really? 'Cause it looked to me like you said...

IWrite, I think you've ruined the tone of the thread.

I just said I'd like to see other's query letters that resulted in REQUESTS.

Really? 'Cause it looked to me like you said...

IWrite, I think you've ruined the tone of the thread. Joe started a thread asking us post queries that have gotten our scripts read. I don't think this thread was supposed to be about advice on how to write queries, or on what you want.

IWrite is free to have whatever opinions he choses.:)

Really? 'Cause, it looked to me...oh hell...just see above.

Just try to act as open-minded and nice as your "cover-your-butt" posts espouse, Justino, okay?

[Joe Calabrese]

You guys....

Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

[Optimus]

I give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning!

Anyway, sorry Joe.

Let's all get back to the topic...

[IWrite]

Justino -

While all my comments were opinions - they were the opionions of someone who has a lot of experience as a development executive. I still serve as a director of development although at the moment I am getting more writing assignments.

I thought it might be helpful to know what leads someone who is reading a query to request a script.

Keep in mind that even a small prod co. that does one or two features a year can get a couple hundred queries a month. After awhile they can become a blur. Most development people I know are looking to pick out the strong ones, not weed out the weak ones. Those that stand out above the rest are selected as opposed to those that simply don't suck. There's only so many specs that can be read - as a development exec I spend the majority of my time working to improve the projects we have on our slate to get them ready to go out to talent and/or for production rather than finding new projects. Finding new projects is only one piece of the overall development pie.

As the example I posted illustrates - what will 'cause a query to click with a particular reader is filled with intangibles. I'm not even sure if I would have responded postively to the very same query if had it been sent to me - but I do know that it would have stood out because it was so different and self-depricating - for some readers this would be a minus, fortunately for me with my producer it was a plus. Or maybe not. Maybe he responded to the logline - which on retrospect wasn't as bad as I made it out to be, or the synopsis which was a tight, funny read. Who know?

My goal was to help. That's my only goal when I post on this board. I have a professional network to rely on when I need feedback on my own projects and my education, writing and development experience along with a stint as a consultant under the tutelage of one of the best in the business, has given me a knowledge of the craft that is much more solid than most. In fact writers I know who are far more successful than me, come to me for help with structure and character development on a fairly regular basis.

I share what I do because I've seen some real talent on this board and want to point those with talent in a direction that will take their scripts to the next level. That said, no one is under any obligation to listen to a word I say.

[JustinoXXV]

IWrite:

I never had any doubts that you intended to, and are helping writers.

I just said that you're titled to your opinion in response to Opti's comments. He'd said that I was peeved because I broke some of the rules you listed. I wasn't peeved at all. Whatever rules I broke, those queries got my scripts requested.

I'll also say that I've gotten very different feedback and opinions from people who have been around for years. Which is why I just say to hell with it, everyone has his or her own opinions. And while being exposed to a variety of opinions and advice is good for everyone, it's up to the individual to decide what's best for him.

And though I'm combative at times (that's just my personality), I do appreciate the help you give writers.

[Vigorish]

IWRITE,

it's funny cause most of the time the first look at a post is a glance (i do) and speed reading is not my specialty, resulting in bits and pieces of lost content. what i got was, 'this is not how to write a query', and i assumed this is a query you recieved. in hindset the odds of you posting a query, even anonymously, and admitting it, wasn't realistic, anyway, back to 'this is not how to -

i read the query and i'm thinking, "that wasn't to bad, it was actually entertaining - i could see the writer pin balling the options."

if the point of the query was to pose questions, and turn the entire process around on the person reading the query, where he is empowered because 'you' included him on your thought process.... nothing like making the reader part of the query... ingeious watson.

it had a begining, middle, and end. i was relieved for the writer for crying out loud.... I was like phew, wipes brow... i hope she made the right choice. then she's got me thinking.... hey, i want to read that romcom see if she made the right choice.

lol. then i read the bottom and that it could be sold, and i still ddin't know you penned it... and i said to myself - self, if anything the query showed the writer could tell a character driven story.

let's not underestimate the power of something that is written well. no matter what the angle. the two coolest gifts in the world are being able to paint, and write.

you show me a virgin, model, who can paint and never has a bowel momement, that's mrs. vigorish.

vig