Query Lord of the Rings.

"One" book that was probably around a half million words

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Trivia: it is almost exactly half a million words.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

The Lord of the Rings is a fantasy novel of approximately 500,000 words. I don't have a problem with that. Neither should you, unless you are a complete and total philistine.

What would you do if you were handed the One Ring of Power? Probably claim it for your scabrous own, but that's not how Frodo Baggins reacts. He leaves his comfortable bachelor residence in Hobbiton to begin a journey of truly epic proportions, upon a quest to destroy the Ring before it can return to its master Sauron, the eponymous Lord of the Rings.

As he travels, he gathers supporters: his kinsmen Merry Brandybuck and Peregrin Took; his faithful servant Samwise Gamgee; the wizard Gandalf; the mysterious ranger Aragorn; the obligatory elf and dwarf, Legolas and Gimli; plus deathspian Boromir. These nine companions form the Fellowship of the Ring and travel the length of Middle Earth battling wraiths, orcs, wargs and all the other loathsome minions of Sauron.

Plus there are a lot of other characters, but I have been informed that your tiny mind can't keep track of more than two or three, and I've already named ten.

Plus there are tons of poetry, quoted at length, and invented languages, and maps, and a foreword and appendices the size of most books these days. Deal.

I was Rawlinson and Bosworth Professor of Anglo-Saxon at Oxford from 1925 to 1945, and Merton Professor of English language and literature from 1945 to 1959. Therefore I am obviously qualified to write the definitive invented mythology of the English-speaking peoples. If you can't see this, I just feel sorry for you. Oh, and I also served in WWI, so I know about war and its horrors. And the other fellows in my writing group think this book is really good.

I have enclosed the entire MS, which is why your postal carrier now walks funny. I look forward to your response.

Yours most cordially, etc. etc.

J. R. R. Tolkien, CBE

Thanks, Phaeal. I really needed a good laugh this morning.

"...which is why your postal carrier now walks funny." Brilliant!

I'm bad at queries, but I think this would be an easy sale, even with a bad query:

I am seeking representation for my fantasy epic, The Lord of the Rings.

Long ago, the dark lord Sauron forged a ring, and into this ring he poured all of his power and malice, so that he could weild it to rule the world. But the ring was lost in a battle, and Sauron was forced into hiding.

Ages past, and the ring was all but forgotten, until chance brought it to Frodo, a meek and humble Hobbit, living in the peaceful Shire. Frodo thinks the ring is merely an old magic relic, given to him as an heirloom by his favorite uncle. But when the forces of Sauron learn of the ring's location, Frodo must flee the Dark Riders, who seek to return the ring to its master.

Still unsure of its true power, Frodo follows the advice of his wizard friend Gandalf, and takes the ring on a journey far from home, a journey that will lead him through countless dangers, a journey that will uncover unknown friends and turn old friends against him, a journey that will lead him into the heart of Sauron's distant lands, the only place the ring can be destroyed. As the armies of the world battle to claim the ring, it is little Frodo who must bear it to its end, and drop it into the fires from which it was forged, even if it costs him his sanity and his life.

I am a Professor of (whatever) at (some college somewhere), and the author of the popular children's novel The Hobbit, which is a prelude to The Lord of the Rings.

Thank you for your consideration,

JRR Tolkein

The Flash Fiction version:

OMG, Boromir's butt. And a nice one it is, too. Can I see Faramir's butt next? Please?

Oops.

Ahem.

How undignified.

lol this is great. Thanks for the laugh

The query would have been written in Elvish.



-MM

Tolkein's rejection letter in Elvish:


Melian Professor Tolkien,

Diol lle ten' dos parma qualivian, dara' ta
uumea oment Iva antea ie' sina ie'.

Quel heren,

Saruman the White, Editor
Ballantine Books
Palantir mail: [email protected]

ROFLMAOASOTM

Gillhoughly said:

Tolkein's rejection letter in Elvish:

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The one day I leave my Elvish to English dictionary at home... the one day!

online version

I think that if we got to the modern day and modern high fantasy had still not been invented, Lord of the Rings would get published today. It would be sold today as it was then, in volumes.

Anybody want to translate the rejection letter for those of us too lazy to go through the dictionary?

I can't seem to find melian -- which I safely assume means "dear" -- in either Quenya or Sindarin. (Looks like Sindarin to me, though I haven't really looked at either in ages.)

A different elvish than I am familiar with? I'm only so much of a Tolkien fan.

Melian Professor Tolkien,
Dear Professor Tolkien,

Diol lle ten' dos parma qualivian, dara' ta
Thank you for your book submission, but it


uumea oment Iva antea ie' sina ie'.
does not meet our needs at this time.

Quel heren,
Good luck,

Saruman the White, Editor
Ballantine Books
Palantir mail: [email protected]

Gillhoughly said:

Tolkein's rejection letter in Elvish:


Melian Professor Tolkien,

Diol lle ten' dos parma qualivian, dara' ta
uumea oment Iva antea ie' sina ie'.

Quel heren,

Saruman the White, Editor
Ballantine Books
Palantir mail: [email protected]

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Your grammar is dodgy.

Did I say Elvish? Everyone knowns NY book executives use the Black Speech of Mordor in all business dealings!

Ash publisher durbatuluk,
Ash publisher gimbatul,
Ash publisher thrakatuluk,
Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul

-MM

I don't doubt it.

It's even worse when you use Babelfish.

I've some stuff to do for a French publisher. Hope I don't start another danged war.

lol @ both of you

I like this place

Nateskate said:

People are saying that the Lord of the Rings would not get published in today's market.

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One of those people is Tolkien's own publisher, who said as much in one of the "additional features" documentaries on the LOTR DVD set.