A Troublesome Sentence

Quentin Nokov · Jun 2, 2008

Closing her bible, Joan looked up at the road and then several upcoming streets where she saw a haze of headlights turning onto the same road they were on.

This sentence to me looks like it needs help but I don't know how to fix it. The repetition of 'road' bugs me and then the parts . . . 'where she saw' 'turning on to' 'they were on' just seems terribly worded. It just doesn't sound as good as I could hope for it to. Anyway suggestions on how to make it better?

slcboston · Jun 2, 2008

If it were mine...

Quentin Nokov said:
Closing her bible, Joan looked up at the road. ~~and then~~ Several ~~upcoming streets where~~ blocks away she saw a haze of headlights turn~~ing~~ onto the ~~same road~~ street ~~they were on~~.

alleycat · Jun 2, 2008

I think I would turn it into multiple sentences.

Something like:

Joan closed her Bible and looked at the road ahead; they were approaching several cross streets. She saw a haze of headlights turning onto the same road they were on.

Maybe. Just a thought.

blacbird · Jun 2, 2008

I agree with alleycat. To my taste in prose, you're just trying to pack too much into one sentence. Plus, it helps you get rid of that awkward opening gerund clause.

caw

Quentin Nokov · Jun 2, 2008

Thank you SLCBoston and Alleycat. I took your suggestion into affect and I think the sentence is better now. I fixed it to,

Closing her bible, Joan looked up at the road. Several streets away she saw a haze of headlights turn onto the same road they were on.

I want to keep the gerund beginning because I don't want to continually start my sentences with pronouns and names.

slcboston · Jun 2, 2008

i'm not sure what's wrong with starting with a gerund, either...

alleycat · Jun 2, 2008

By the way, in this case, Bible would be capitalized.

Matera the Mad · Jun 2, 2008

slcboston said:
i'm not sure what's wrong with starting with a gerund, either...

1. It leads to dangling modifiers and other horridly awkward things (like the original problem sentence)

2. It is so overused and abused by amateurs that it is like wearing a sign on your back that says "Kick me, I'm a N00B"

3. It is annoying when used frequently for no other reason than "for variety" (see #2, noobz think they have to do this)

Otherwise, there's nothing wrong with doing it if the action flows more smoothly that way. The re-written split sentences are lovely.

Kalyke · Jun 3, 2008

Quentin Nokov said:
Closing her bible, Joan looked up at the road and then several upcoming streets where she saw a haze of headlights turning onto the same road they were on.

I think I would make 2 stronger sentences that way, you don't need to change your language much, because I like the "image."

Closing her bible, Joan looked up.

A haze of headlights (subject of new sentence) from several upcoming roads turned (verb) onto the road they were on.

if you have 2 verbs in a sentence sometimes that indicates 2 sentences, or a dependent clause.

Phaeal · Jun 3, 2008

Eh, lay off the participial phrase.* Used judiciously, they're fine. This one's not dangling, and it is physically possible to close a book and look up at the same time.

Labeling certain legitimate constructions as "noobish" leads people to condemn them every time they're encountered. Look at the terrible mental suffering the eternal lynching of the passive voice has caused! I'm always finding crits on SYW where every last timid appearance of "is" as a linking verb or "was" as part of the progressive tense is excoriated as PASSIVE. Aaaaaaaah, I counted "is" SEVEN times in my first two pages. I am EVIL!

Quentin, your corrected version in Post #5 is fine.

* Oh, and note. "Closing the Bible" is indeed a participial phrase, not a gerund. A gerund is a present participle used as a noun: "Swimming is fun." A participial phrase is a phrase that contains a participle, which functions as a modifier.

Check out this website for further clarification:

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/627/04/

James81 · Jun 3, 2008

Original:

Closing her bible, Joan looked up at the road and then several upcoming streets where she saw a haze of headlights turning onto the same road they were on.

Revised:

Joan closed her bible and looked up at the road. A haze of headlights poured through from the incoming streets.

EDIT: I changed my original to read a little smoother. Isn't revising fun?

Joycecwilliams · Jun 3, 2008

slcboston said:
i'm not sure what's wrong with starting with a gerund, either...

Are you sure that's a gerund? I thought gerunds ended in ing, but acted as nouns. Closing is a verb..

maestrowork · Jun 3, 2008

Quentin Nokov said:
Closing her bible, Joan looked up at the road and then several upcoming streets where she saw a haze of headlights turning onto the same road they were on.

Unless she closes the Bible very slowly while all that is happening, the participial clause doesn't really work. That's one major problem with writers -- they think a participial clause is merely a rearrangement of the subject+verb construct. It's not. A participial clause is very specific: it has to be simultaneous actions.

(gerund is a verb used as a noun. Here, you have a participial clause)

BTW, the Bible should be capitalized.

I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say in this sentence... I think there is a problem with using "road" twice, making the second "road" not making any sense.

Cut the filtering. Since this is Joan's POV, you don't have to keep saying "she saw" etc.

Try this:

Joan closed the Bible and looked up. Several cross streets appeared ahead, and then a haze of headlights turned into the same road they were on.

James81 · Jun 4, 2008

maestrowork said:
BTW, the Bible should be capitalized.

She didn't close THE Bible, she closed HER bible.

In this particular case, it does not need to be capitalized.

maestrowork · Jun 4, 2008

Actually I think "Bible" (as in the sacred Christian text) should always be capitalized. Now if you're talking about a "bible" (as in a reference book or any religion's sacred text), then you may use the lowercase.

James81 · Jun 4, 2008

maestrowork said:
Actually I think "Bible" (as in the sacred Christian text) should always be capitalized. Now if you're talking about a "bible" (as in a reference book or any religion's sacred text), then you may use the lowercase.

Anybody got a link on this?

I can't find anything on google and now I'm curious. I always thought that when it was used in a possessive manner ("her bible") that it was lowercase.

maestrowork · Jun 4, 2008

Right here on AW:

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=50566

James81 · Jun 4, 2008

maestrowork said:
Right here on AW:

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=50566

Heh, I don't mean anything by this, but that's still just a bunch of opinions.

I meant something a little more authoritive than that.

(I'm not trying to be stubborn, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but I'm just curious)

maestrowork · Jun 4, 2008

Is the dictionary authoritative?

It clearly says "Bible" is capitalized but when used as "book of reference" or "any religion's text [other than Christian]" it's usually in lowercase.

http://www.bartleby.com/68/36/836.html

Basically, if it refers to the Christian book, it should be capitalized whether it's THE only one, his or hers, or Mickey Mouse's.

CaroGirl · Jun 4, 2008

I thought Mickey Mouse was non-denominational.

ishtar'sgate · Jun 4, 2008

IMO James81's second revision reads most easily. Nothing disrupts the word flow and there's no need to tack on the awkward, "on the same road they were on".
Linnea

A Troublesome Sentence

Quentin Nokov

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slcboston

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alleycat

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Quentin Nokov

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Matera the Mad

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Phaeal

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James81

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