Some Tweaking Again

Talkatoast · Jun 2, 2008

[FONT=&quot]Okay, I posted this piece so you could get the point that she's running and discovers a dove alongside her. What I want you to concentrate on is the bold/underlined piece. I feel like it needs more oomph. However, if you feel it should stay the way it is, just state so. I'm contemplating if it should be And she did or just she did, or elongate it a bit. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]As she ran she felt the presence of the voice as though it were along side her. And when she looked to her right, she saw that the presence was a dove flying out beside her, a dove dressed in the garbs of night.[/FONT]

“Don’t look at me!” the dove said. “Keep running!”

She did.

Moments later, she asked, “Why are these soldiers chasing us?”

Talkatoast · Jun 2, 2008

By the way, do I need to mention why she turned her head to the right, or can readers safely assume that it was just a random direction?

nevada · Jun 2, 2008

you can cut out a lot of stuff.

She ran, and felt a presence beside her. A dove, dressed in the garbs of night, flew at her shoulder. You don't have to actually tell us she looked. We will fill in a lot. Don't stage direct too much. i also took out the word alongside because it sounds too much like beside and then you get a repetition that doesn't work.

"keep running" the dove said. Does the dove actually speak? or does she hear the voice in her head like last time?

"Why are these soldiers chasing us?" I don't think you have to say that she continues to run. Until you tell us otherwise, we will assume that she is still running.

So recap, without my questions, it's:

She ran, and felt a presence beside her. A dove, dressed in the garbs of night, flew at her shoulder.

"keep running" the dove said.

"Why are these soldiers chasing us?"

Talkatoast · Jun 2, 2008

Oops, I really should have added another paragraph. Your confusion is because I didn't fill in the information enough. When I say she felt the presence of the voice, she fell against a tree and a voice told her that she didn't have any time to listen to the shouts of soldiers and that they had to get moving.

Here, I'll just give the beforehand stuff:

Then, she felt something light fall on her back. Startled, her front legs thrust her upper body forth. But the rest of her remained frozen: She heard the shouts of the soldiers steadily becoming louder and louder.

“We have no time!” a tiny voice on her back said. “Get moving! Run to the marsh! They won’t be able to find us there!”

Perhaps it was Enali’s conscious telling her to run off to the marsh? Whatever it was, she picked up her back legs and ran. She ran through trees, jumped over streams and logs, and never once looked back to see if the torches were still visible. As she ran she felt the presence of the voice as though it were along side her. And when she looked to her right, she saw that the presence was a dove, dressed in the garbs of night, flying at her shoulder.
“Don’t look at me!” the dove said. “Keep running!” I feel like something needs to be added after this sentence.

Moments later, she asked, “Why are these soldiers chasing us?”

Allegra Lunesta · Jun 2, 2008

It's difficult to comment on a few lines and, without taking the time to look into your profile for previous posts, which is prohibitive today, all I can offer are these few tips.

First, if you feel you have to get your "oomph" from formatting, you've got a problem.

Second,

As she ran she felt the presence of the voice ...

We "hear" voices and "feel" a presence.

“Don’t look at me!”

There are several schools of thought about exclaimation points. I use them, some say, too much. I'm aware, however, that over-use is no-use.

“Keep running!”

As with the formatting for "oomph," here you're trying to use punctuation to show us something. You should show us with words, not symbols. Write the action. What you've done is stick a dialouge tag between two sentence fragments and tacked exclaimation points on the ends. The emphasis, or "oomph," is invisible in sucession, and it looks lazy.

Here's a way to show what I think is happening.

"Don't look at me," a voice beside, and above her commanded, "keep running."

She complied, the wind, thankfully, at her back. Her heartbeat matched the beat beside her. As it beat faster, she ran harder.

"Who are--"

"Do not slow," It said, "they are coming." (How would she know the dove is a "he?"

Awed by the presence of the dove flying beside her, she forgot about the soldiers chasing her. She picked-up her pace and asked the Commander pacing her, "Why are they after me?" (If she just noticed the dove, the soldiers wouldn't be after both of them. She wouldn't say, "us."

Simply stated, you need more dialogue, not less. More show, less tell.
If you take away two things from this post, I hope it's that over-use any form of punctuation is no use and, never format for "oomph." Maybe you didn't know it, but when you submit, you can't use all of your formatting. If you use it as a crutch, like I said, you've got a problem.

Good luck,

Al

Talkatoast · Jun 2, 2008

Actually, I think I can edit the scene. Since the creature fell on her back, I think I might need to mention something about that, and then I think the scene could be cut a bit.

Talkatoast · Jun 2, 2008

The problem with the above statement as that the unicorn already knows that she's being chased by soldiers. If I posted my whole story on here, I'd have a flood of people come in an correct it, which would annoy me plenty because I can't please everyone. I chose one editor on here and I followed every bit of that person's advice.

Talkatoast · Jun 2, 2008

Here's what I did to fix those issues:

Then, she felt something light fall on her back. Her front legs thrust her upper body forth, every muscle in her body tensing. But her lower body remained frozen: She heard the shouts of the soldiers steadily becoming louder and louder.

“We have no time!” the presence on her back said. “Get moving. Run to the marsh. They won’t be able to find you there.”

She picked up her back legs and ran. She ran through trees, jumped over streams and logs, and never once looked back to see if the torches were still visible.

"Who was that?" she said, referring to the presence now gone off her back.

When she looked to her right, she saw that the presence was flying at her shoulder. It was a dove, dressed in the garbs of night.
“Don’t look at me!” the dove said. “Keep running.”

She complied with the dove. Her heartbeat matched the beat beside her. As it beat faster, she ran harder.

Moments later, she asked, “Why are these soldiers chasing me?”

Phaeal · Jun 2, 2008

It should be "garb," not "garbs." I don't believe "garb" has a plural -- it's like its synonym, "clothing," in that.

Allegra Lunesta · Jun 2, 2008

As long as you have the help you want and the answer to the question you asked in your post.

Al

Some Tweaking Again

Talkatoast

Talkatoast

nevada

Talkatoast

Allegra Lunesta

Have you seen my mind?

Talkatoast

Talkatoast

Talkatoast

Phaeal

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

Allegra Lunesta

Have you seen my mind?