Sentence that Needs help for short story?

Talkatoast · Jun 2, 2008

While she was running, she still felt the presence of whatever creature it was that had commanded her to run in the first place.

This sentence is extremely awkward, but I have no idea where to even begin. Basically, an unknown voice commanded my MC to run, and while she was running, she still felt that presence. I'm trying to convey that image, but I'm not having much luck at it.

Righting · Jun 2, 2008

here's my try -

[FONT=&quot]As she ran she felt the presence of the voice as though it were running along side her.

good luck!
[/FONT]

alleycat · Jun 2, 2008

Even as she ran, she still felt the presence of the unknown creature that has commanded her to run in the first place. ["commanded" or "caused"?]

Maybe.

Talkatoast · Jun 2, 2008

Hmm...I believe this is my mistake.

What I'm trying to say is that she literally felt the presence because--in the next sentence after thsi awkward one--when she turns her head, she sees the presence and discovers that it's a dove.

GJB · Jun 2, 2008

It commanded her to run, now, fast. Even running, she still felt it.

alleycat · Jun 2, 2008

"sensed" in place of "felt"? I'm not sure.

Another attempt:

Even as she ran, she still felt the presence of the unknown creature. The one that had commanded her to run; to run hard and fast and without stopping.

Talkatoast · Jun 2, 2008

Thank you! I've got what I need now!

Sentence that Needs help for short story?

Talkatoast

Righting

alleycat

Still around

Talkatoast

GJB

Oh, what a ride

alleycat

Still around

Talkatoast