Emotional conflict from story based on actual events

I wrote this novel based on something that really happened to me a long time ago. I'm in the clear on using the "people" involved. That's not the problem. What IS the problem is that there are too many bad memories associated with this whole thing, which lasted for a good 15 years. The story I have written is COMPLETELY fictional and not EXACTLY what had happened, but pretty much along those lines. There's bits and pieces of the real thing sprinkled in there, but I totally changed the main people involved to where they are not even recognizable.

Now because of the bad memories...I don't know how I will be able to handle what will happen following publication of this manuscript. If I have to talk about the characters while knowing who they were based on, if I get emails from readers asking questions about the characters or things that happen in the story, etc. Part of me wants to be RID of all that stuff for good. I'm finally able to move on with my life and better understand why it even happened in the first place. But the other part just doesn't want to throw this manuscript away. I worked too long and too hard on it. I researched it til I was practically an expert on what I'd turned my characters into! I have made it different enough from the REAL story to be ok with it as a novel, but I don't know if I'm ok with what would happen following publication of it.

The very thought of even promoting this book following publication just makes me want to hide under the covers.

I guess you COULD say I never really made peace with that whole thing. I guess that I should, but I don't know how. Maybe getting the book published will help. Maybe talking about it with an entirely different mindset will help.

But because I just don't want to "throw it away," I am trying to figure out the best way I would be able to make it a book without what would follow from readers after publication. I've thought of doing the Kinko's thing. I've thought of self-publishing (but the technicalities make my head hurt). I've thought of turning it into an E-book for a free download, but it's 180 pages long and so it won't float much as an Ebook. Then I've thought of doing the POD thing with it. Because AT LEAST it will be given a professional job as a book and at least people will be able to buy it, if they want to. I mean, at least it will be available.

But now I'm not so sure if I WANT it to be available. I don't know if I'll be able to handle that.

Maybe I should just sit on it for a while until I feel I am capable of handling this book/story/memory as objectively as I can. But I don't know if that will ever happen.

Any advice?

Thanks, everyone, for all of your coments and feedback on this.

At this point, I am not ready for this manuscript to be a book. I know this much.

The hardest part is how, when I went through this, it caused a lot of trauma. People called me crazy. I lost friends after I told them about what was going on. I had nightmares because of it. It was just awful.

I ask myself why I started writing that book in the first place. And I know the answer is, "Because I want the story to be alive again." When it was originally published, the company went bankrupt. The book went out of print. I was ready for it to make a comeback as a BRAND NEW STORY. But now I'm not so ready.

I don't know about the therapy thing. When I was writing the story, there's times I broke down and cried. I could relate to what my main character was going through. I was going through it, too.

I am trying my hardest to separate myself from this story, on the emotional level. Focus on the original book's purpose. To tell a story. I could look at it as the original inspiring this one. And changing the names, too. I think that would help.

nevada said:

Just a thought, but if you self publish or go POD you'll have to do *all* the promoting in order to make a sale. Which means you'll have to talk about it endlessly, constantly think about it, always flog it to people. Which, to me, seems to be the opposite of what you want.

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The same could be said if I went the traditional route, because any traditional publisher would expect the author to be promoting their book. Which is as it should be.

Also, as far as SPing it goes, I was thinking of only doing just one copy. Just making it the "book" I wanted it to be.

A.J., thanks for your input. I understand what you're saying. My story doesn't involve abuse. Actually, it involved something totally out of the ordinary. I guess people who are into past life stuff or even ghosts would have no trouble appreciating a story such as this. However, it took a long time for me to understand the psychological reasons behind everything that happened, and what it was all about.

I just don't want to be in a position where I'd have to talk about it anymore. It does have a certain painful sting attached to it.

I've actually put more thought into using a pseudonym. Someone who has been in my shoes even suggested this. I'm ok with that, really.

I just want it to be a FICTIONAL story that people can enjoy. I need to stop being so emotionally attached to just where that story came from.