- Joined
- Feb 12, 2006
- Messages
- 5,363
- Reaction score
- 1,761
Thank you, Cyia, for the inspiration!
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Writer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(PA does not respond.)
Writer: 'Ello, Miss?
PA: What do you mean "miss"?
Writer: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
PA: We're closin' for lunch.
Writer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this book what I bought not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
PA: Oh yes, the, uh, the standard Shamerica publication...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Writer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's a piece of crap, that's what's wrong with it!
PA: No, no, it's uh,...it's standard.
Writer: Look, matey, I know a rum book when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
PA: No no it's not rum, it's standard! Remarkable publisher, Shamerica, great books, ay? Beautiful covers!
Writer: The covers don't enter into it. My book is fallin' apart.
PA: Nononono, no, no! The pages are like that for easy turnin'!
Writer: All right then, if they turn easy, I'll try to read it.
(Turns a page; it falls out and floats to the floor.
(PA looks over the counter)
PA: There, that's perfect, I can read it from here!
Writer: No, you can't, it's upside-down!
PA: Well, I can read upside-down. It's my big party trick.
Writer: No you can't!
PA: I certainly can...it says....um, you didn't tell me that was in Russian.
Writer: It ain't in Russian, it's upside down because the damn page fell out! (flips more pages and they also fall. Takes the rest from between the covers and thumps them on the counter. They disintegrate. Throws the remainder up in the air and watches as they scatter.)
Writer: Now that's what I call a crap book.
PA: No, no.....No, it's self-collating.
Writer: SELF-COLLATING?!?
PA: Yeah! It's the latest thing in publishing! Whatever page you pick up will the the one you want, major.
Writer: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That book is definitely a piece of crap, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of being in Barnes and Noble was due to it bein' such a best-seller that they were out of stock.
PA: Well, that's...that's perfectly right. The writer didn't get enough copies in for the store to sell. It's 'is fault.
Writer: THE WRITER'S SUPPOSED TO DO THE STOCKING 'IMSELF?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did this book fall apart the moment I got it home?
PA: Shamerica books are supposed to fall apart, it's our trademark! Remarkable book, id'nit, squire? Lovely cover!
Writer: Look, I took the liberty of checking the Internet when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that Shamerica stays in business is because their victims don't look them up and do a proper bit o' research on 'ow publishing really works.
(pause)
PA: Well, o'course! If we didn't tweak the website to make 'em think they'd have to pay to publish or that the big houses won't give 'em a look, then how the hell would we be raking in the cash sellin' copies to those same writers? If we told the truth and let them know we're naught but a sleazy reverse vanity print operation, they'd be off in a shot to a commercial publisher what could pay them real money. VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Writer: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this book wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' crap!
PA: No no! It's standard for us! Self-collating!
Writer: It's not self-collating! It's a bleedin' mess! This book is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet the recycler! It has tanked! Bereft of sales, it lies forgotten! If you hadn't talked some poor sod into begging for shelf space in a store it wouldn't even sold one copy. You've got no distribution but for the writers you hoodwink into doin' the marketing. This book is now 'istory! It's off the shelf! It's been stripped, it's shuffled off to the remainder bin, rung down the curtain and joined the great landfill!! THIS IS AN EX-BOOK!!
(pause)
PA: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of books.
Writer: I see. I see, I get the picture.
PA: I got a pamphlet.
(pause)
Writer: Pray, does it have readable prose pages?
PA: Nnnnot really.
Writer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
PA: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Writer: Well.
(pause)
PA: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Writer: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
.
.
.
Writer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(PA does not respond.)
Writer: 'Ello, Miss?
PA: What do you mean "miss"?
Writer: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
PA: We're closin' for lunch.
Writer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this book what I bought not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
PA: Oh yes, the, uh, the standard Shamerica publication...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Writer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's a piece of crap, that's what's wrong with it!
PA: No, no, it's uh,...it's standard.
Writer: Look, matey, I know a rum book when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
PA: No no it's not rum, it's standard! Remarkable publisher, Shamerica, great books, ay? Beautiful covers!
Writer: The covers don't enter into it. My book is fallin' apart.
PA: Nononono, no, no! The pages are like that for easy turnin'!
Writer: All right then, if they turn easy, I'll try to read it.
(Turns a page; it falls out and floats to the floor.
(PA looks over the counter)
PA: There, that's perfect, I can read it from here!
Writer: No, you can't, it's upside-down!
PA: Well, I can read upside-down. It's my big party trick.
Writer: No you can't!
PA: I certainly can...it says....um, you didn't tell me that was in Russian.
Writer: It ain't in Russian, it's upside down because the damn page fell out! (flips more pages and they also fall. Takes the rest from between the covers and thumps them on the counter. They disintegrate. Throws the remainder up in the air and watches as they scatter.)
Writer: Now that's what I call a crap book.
PA: No, no.....No, it's self-collating.
Writer: SELF-COLLATING?!?
PA: Yeah! It's the latest thing in publishing! Whatever page you pick up will the the one you want, major.
Writer: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That book is definitely a piece of crap, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of being in Barnes and Noble was due to it bein' such a best-seller that they were out of stock.
PA: Well, that's...that's perfectly right. The writer didn't get enough copies in for the store to sell. It's 'is fault.
Writer: THE WRITER'S SUPPOSED TO DO THE STOCKING 'IMSELF?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did this book fall apart the moment I got it home?
PA: Shamerica books are supposed to fall apart, it's our trademark! Remarkable book, id'nit, squire? Lovely cover!
Writer: Look, I took the liberty of checking the Internet when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that Shamerica stays in business is because their victims don't look them up and do a proper bit o' research on 'ow publishing really works.
(pause)
PA: Well, o'course! If we didn't tweak the website to make 'em think they'd have to pay to publish or that the big houses won't give 'em a look, then how the hell would we be raking in the cash sellin' copies to those same writers? If we told the truth and let them know we're naught but a sleazy reverse vanity print operation, they'd be off in a shot to a commercial publisher what could pay them real money. VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Writer: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this book wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' crap!
PA: No no! It's standard for us! Self-collating!
Writer: It's not self-collating! It's a bleedin' mess! This book is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet the recycler! It has tanked! Bereft of sales, it lies forgotten! If you hadn't talked some poor sod into begging for shelf space in a store it wouldn't even sold one copy. You've got no distribution but for the writers you hoodwink into doin' the marketing. This book is now 'istory! It's off the shelf! It's been stripped, it's shuffled off to the remainder bin, rung down the curtain and joined the great landfill!! THIS IS AN EX-BOOK!!
(pause)
PA: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of books.
Writer: I see. I see, I get the picture.
PA: I got a pamphlet.
(pause)
Writer: Pray, does it have readable prose pages?
PA: Nnnnot really.
Writer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
PA: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Writer: Well.
(pause)
PA: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Writer: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
.
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