[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

dpaterso · Feb 13, 2018

Imriaylde said:
Claire dragged her feet along the crumbled curb of Elmer’s Lane, scuffing the rubber toes of her sneakers against the dirty concrete. Cars whizzed past just often enough to be dangerous, one misstep coulda landed her sprawled out in the traffic, but Mama always told her to be careful and she couldn’t let Mama down, not now. Mama expected her to be having fun with her Papa and Claire wanted that to be true, wanted to pretend that they were walking hand in hand and chattering on about the acrobats or the clowns instead of just her, walking all alone in the fading October light.

Reads just fine to me, it's got voice and I'd read on to see where it's going and if the story would be something I'd like.

-Derek

Denevius · Feb 13, 2018

Imriaylde said:
Here's the first three lines of a short story I'm working on, it's mild urban fantasy/horror. I really need to come up with a title for it. Currently sitting at ~7800 words though I do want to trim that down.

Claire dragged her feet along the crumbled curb of Elmer’s Lane, scuffing the rubber toes of her sneakers against the dirty concrete. Cars whizzed past just often enough to be dangerous, one misstep coulda landed her sprawled out in the traffic, but Mama always told her to be careful and she couldn’t let Mama down, not now. Mama expected her to be having fun with her Papa and Claire wanted that to be true, wanted to pretend that they were walking hand in hand and chattering on about the acrobats or the clowns instead of just her, walking all alone in the fading October light.

The sentences are run-ons and distract from the story. Seems like it's more than three lines.

My suggestion is to break the lines up for easier reading.

mrsmig · Feb 13, 2018

Imriaylde said:
Here's the first three lines of a short story I'm working on, it's mild urban fantasy/horror. I really need to come up with a title for it. Currently sitting at ~7800 words though I do want to trim that down.

Claire dragged her feet along the crumbled curb of Elmer’s Lane, scuffing the rubber toes of her sneakers against the dirty concrete. Cars whizzed past just often enough to be dangerous, one misstep coulda landed her sprawled out in the traffic, but Mama always told her to be careful and she couldn’t let Mama down, not now. Mama expected her to be having fun with her Papa and Claire wanted that to be true, wanted to pretend that they were walking hand in hand and chattering on about the acrobats or the clowns instead of just her, walking all alone in the fading October light.

If this is indicative of your story as a whole, I think you can trim it down quite easily - there's a lot of repetition and overwriting in just these three sentences.

For example, you tell us at the very start that Claire is dragging her feet as she walks. Then you expand on that by describing her scuffing her toes. Then at the end of the third sentence, you repeat that she's walking. You do the same thing with the curb - describing it as "crumbled" and then adding more detail with "dirty concrete." Ask yourself which is the more effective descriptor, and go with that. Clarity and crispness of prose is even more important in a short story than in a novel, because you have fewer words to convey what's happening.

Other nitpicks: your second sentence is actually two sentences - you've got a run-on happening at "...dangerous, one misstep coulda..." You either need to replace that comma with a period and start a fresh sentence with "One misstep," or replace the comma with a semicolon. Personally, I'd opt for the semicolon.

Now, about that "coulda." I don't know if you've chosen deliberately to use a colloquialism instead of "could have" to establish voice, or if this is just a mistake. I think it could work except that it's the one and only colloquialism in this opener. If you're going to use that distinctive a POV voice, you should be consistent with it - it needs to be present from the very beginning. The way your story currently begins, it's in omni, then moves into Claire's POV in the next sentence.

(I hope I'm making sense because I just got in from a nine-hour drive and my brain's fried.)

The Urban Spaceman · Feb 14, 2018

Imriaylde said:
Claire dragged her feet along the crumbled curb of Elmer’s Lane, scuffing the rubber toes of her sneakers against the dirty concrete. Cars whizzed past just often enough to be dangerous, one misstep coulda landed her sprawled out in the traffic, but Mama always told her to be careful and she couldn’t let Mama down, not now. Mama expected her to be having fun with her Papa and Claire wanted that to be true, wanted to pretend that they were walking hand in hand and chattering on about the acrobats or the clowns instead of just her, walking all alone in the fading October light.

Too much description and back-story for me. It might work better mid-story, but as opening lines, they don't do anything for me. As others have said, the sentences are too long and disjointed. There are places (highlighted purple) where I have to re-read to understand who is the subject or what action is happening because it's become jumbled by the text before it.

I also ditto what mrsmig said about the colloquialism/voice.

Imriaylde · Feb 14, 2018

Thank you all so much for the feedback!

Based on this and some feedback I got over at the SF/F SYW thread I switched it up so that there's immediate action and the intro's not so full of description. I really appreciate all the help!

If you're curious, here's my new first three lines:

Claire tugged on her Papa’s hand as he reached for the door of the dingy old convenience store.

“Please don’t, Papa! Mama will be mad!"

The Urban Spaceman · Feb 14, 2018

Imriaylde said:
Claire tugged on her Papa’s hand as he reached for the door of the dingy old convenience store.

“Please don’t, Papa! Mama will be mad!"

I like this a lot better. Sets up some mystery nicely for me, and is straight into the action. One thing I did ponder; is this in an omni POV, or are we seeing things from Claire's POV. If it's the latter, I think you could get away with taking out "her Papa's" and just leaving it as "Papa's" (because from her POV, she only has the one Papa). But if it's the former, then it's not an issue at all.

Southpaw · Feb 14, 2018

Imriaylde said:
Thank you all so much for the feedback!

Based on this and some feedback I got over at the SF/F SYW thread I switched it up so that there's immediate action and the intro's not so full of description. I really appreciate all the help!

If you're curious, here's my new first three lines:

Claire tugged on her Papa’s hand as he reached for the door of the dingy old convenience store.

“Please don’t, Papa! Mama will be mad!"

Didn't see that last version, but I like this one. I'd read on.

Joseph Schmol · Feb 14, 2018

Imriaylde said:
Claire tugged on her Papa’s hand as he reached for the door of the dingy old convenience store.

“Please don’t, Papa! Mama will be mad!"

Much better. I'd read more.

Joseph Schmol · Feb 14, 2018

1st three of a new story I have up at SYW. I'm feeling I might want a different entry point into this story.

She was already on the elevator when I returned home from the grocery store. It was Tuesday, almost perfectly mid-afternoon, maybe 2:45, the ideal dead zone for someone wanting to avoid all human contact. Yet there she was.

Edit: "story" became "store" in sentence 1.

Southpaw · Feb 14, 2018

Joseph Schmol said:
1st three of a new story I have up at SYW. I'm feeling I might want a different entry point into this story.

She was already on the elevator when I returned home from the grocery story. It was Tuesday, almost perfectly mid-afternoon, maybe 2:45, the ideal dead zone for someone wanting to avoid all human contact. Yet there she was.

I went back and forth with what was happening. The first sentence makes me think, the MC was hoping to beat her home or something positive, but then I see the MC wanted to avoid everyone. Tossing out the already might fix that, but I'm not sure. The second sentence could do with pruning. It's dry as is. The third reiterates the first sentence, but doesn't add anything new. I like idea but I'm not sure I'd read on.

Imriaylde · Feb 14, 2018

Joseph Schmol said:
1st three of a new story I have up at SYW. I'm feeling I might want a different entry point into this story.

She was already on the elevator when I returned home from the grocery storye. It was Tuesday, almost perfectly mid-afternoon, maybe 2:45 (I'm not sure this adds to the scene your setting up here), the ideal dead zone for someone wanting to avoid all human contact. Yet there she was.

The last line is tripping me up a bit...the first two lines really set the scene, and the third one just falls a bit flat for me. I'd read on because I'm curious as to why the MC doesn't want her around, but I think you could make that last line a bit more engaging!

Bing Z · Feb 14, 2018

Joseph Schmol said:
She {who? Diana of Themyscira?} was already on the elevator {so the protag has returned home already, where is this elevator?} when I returned home from the grocery store. It was Tuesday, almost perfectly mid-afternoon {if you mention 2:45, prolly don't need perfectly mid-afternoon, vice versa}, maybe 2:45, the ideal dead zone for someone wanting to avoid all human contact {don't get it}. Yet there she was.

Edit: "story" became "store" in sentence 1.

I suspect you were too hard to make the intro look mysterious, but it doesn't work for me. As you've noted, I was spending time pondering the logic instead of enjoying the story.

Joseph Schmol · Feb 14, 2018

Southpaw said:
Southpaw said:

I went back and forth with what was happening. The first sentence makes me think, the MC was hoping to beat her home or something positive, but then I see the MC wanted to avoid everyone. Tossing out the already might fix that, but I'm not sure. The second sentence could do with pruning. It's dry as is. The third reiterates the first sentence, but doesn't add anything new. I like idea but I'm not sure I'd read on.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the explanation of what's not working for you here. Good stuff.

Imriaylde said:
Imriaylde said:

The last line is tripping me up a bit...the first two lines really set the scene, and the third one just falls a bit flat for me. I'd read on because I'm curious as to why the MC doesn't want her around, but I think you could make that last line a bit more engaging!

Click to expand...

Okay, thank you for pointing out what doesn't work for you. That 3rd sentence is flat.

Bing Z said:
Bing Z said:

I suspect you were too hard to make the intro look mysterious, but it doesn't work for me. As you've noted, I was spending time pondering the logic instead of enjoying the story.

Click to expand...

I really wasn't "trying to" do anything other than get into the story. Good to know this opening falls flat for you. That's not the opening I'm looking for.

I am curious about the comment, "as you've noted" -- where have I noted? Did this comment offend you in another thread?

Bing Z · Feb 14, 2018

Joseph Schmol said:
I am curious about the comment, "as you've noted" -- where have I noted? Did this comment offend you in another thread?

The blue inline comments, copied below:

She {who? Diana of Themyscira?} was already on the elevator {so the protag has returned home already, where is this elevator?} when I returned home from the grocery store. It was Tuesday, almost perfectly mid-afternoon {if you mention 2:45, prolly don't need perfectly mid-afternoon, vice versa}, maybe 2:45, the ideal dead zone for someone wanting to avoid all human contact {don't get it}. Yet there she was.

Denevius · Feb 14, 2018

Joseph Schmol said:
1st three of a new story I have up at SYW. I'm feeling I might want a different entry point into this story.

She was already on the elevator when I returned home from the grocery store. It was Tuesday, almost perfectly mid-afternoon, maybe 2:45, the ideal dead zone for someone wanting to avoid all human contact. Yet there she was.

Edit: "story" became "store" in sentence 1.

I would read a little further.

The Urban Spaceman · Feb 14, 2018

Joseph Schmol said:
She was already on the elevator when I returned home from the grocery store. It was Tuesday, almost ~~perfectly mid-afternoon, maybe~~ 2:45, the ideal dead zone for someone wanting to avoid all human contact. Yet there she was.

The quick succession of "almost-perfectly-maybe" doesn't read well for me, and I think you can cut it to strengthen the sentence. Also, this may be just a cultural thing, but I almost never see time written as 2:45 unless it's 24-hr/military time (which, BTW, I do use in certain writing). So to my mind, 2:45 would be a couple of hours past midnight. If 14:45 wouldn't cut it here, could you consider 2.45pm or something instead? If you cut the sentence as I indicated, you'll need to find a new way to specify PM anyway. If you don't cut it, it's not so much of an issue for me.

I would keep reading for now, just to see where it's going.

mrsmig · Feb 15, 2018

The Urban Spaceman said:
The quick succession of "almost-perfectly-maybe" doesn't read well for me, and I think you can cut it to strengthen the sentence. Also, this may be just a cultural thing, but I almost never see time written as 2:45 unless it's 24-hr/military time (which, BTW, I do use in certain writing). So to my mind, 2:45 would be a couple of hours past midnight. If 14:45 wouldn't cut it here, could you consider 2.45pm or something instead? If you cut the sentence as I indicated, you'll need to find a new way to specify PM anyway. If you don't cut it, it's not so much of an issue for me.

I would keep reading for now, just to see where it's going.

I have to disagree. I'm an average civilian citizen of the U.S., and if I was reading a book in which the time was stated as "14:45," I would immediately assume that the setting or the POV character was military or governmental.

As someone whose job sometimes requires me to work odd hours, I'm well acquainted with the "dead zone" of mid-afternoon, so that resonated with me. I do think one of those qualifiers could be dropped ("maybe" would get my vote), but overall I was intrigued by the OP's opener and would read on.

Joseph Schmol · Feb 15, 2018

Denevius said:
Denevius said:

I would read a little further.

Click to expand...

Thank you, D.

The Urban Spaceman said:
The Urban Spaceman said:

The quick succession of "almost-perfectly-maybe" doesn't read well for me, and I think you can cut it to strengthen the sentence. Also, this may be just a cultural thing, but I almost never see time written as 2:45 unless it's 24-hr/military time (which, BTW, I do use in certain writing). So to my mind, 2:45 would be a couple of hours past midnight. If 14:45 wouldn't cut it here, could you consider 2.45pm or something instead? If you cut the sentence as I indicated, you'll need to find a new way to specify PM anyway. If you don't cut it, it's not so much of an issue for me.

I would keep reading for now, just to see where it's going.

Click to expand...

Yeah, I need to fix that sentence. I wanted to add emphasis how particular he was about going out, and returning, at a particular time (dead zone) of the day, but surely overdid it. Your comments helped. Thank you.

mrsmig said:
mrsmig said:

I have to disagree. I'm an average civilian citizen of the U.S., and if I was reading a book in which the time was stated as "14:45," I would immediately assume that the setting or the POV character was military or governmental.

As someone whose job sometimes requires me to work odd hours, I'm well acquainted with the "dead zone" of mid-afternoon, so that resonated with me. I do think one of those qualifiers could be dropped ("maybe" would get my vote), but overall I was intrigued by the OP's opener and would read on.

Click to expand...

It's unanimous -- too many qualifiers! But, a dead zone comrade is found, so not a total loss. Thank you, mm.

Gunpowder Nash · Feb 15, 2018

I understand why you are emphasising the time. The character wants to avoid people, and 2:45 would certainly be a time when you would expect the odds to be in your favor of doing so. In fact, this is exactly the type of behavior someone who is "peoplephobic" would calculate and act upon. I'd keep it as it is.

Elle. · Feb 15, 2018

Ok, I'll try. First three sentences of an experimental short story called A Show of Hands:

Shiny. The hands of the nurse, slathered with antiseptics and compassion as she tended to me. Cotton pinched between her fingers, she dabbed my skin with the lightness of a bird pecking at seeds. I watched the hands of a life lived, moulded by purpose — the kind I liked best.

The Urban Spaceman · Feb 15, 2018

mrsmig said:
I'm an average civilian citizen of the U.S.

Like I said, it's probably just a cultural difference.

The Urban Spaceman · Feb 15, 2018

Elle. said:
Ok, I'll try. First three sentences of an experimental short story called A Show of Hands:

Shiny. The hands of the nurse, slathered with antiseptics and compassion as she tended to me. Cotton pinched between her fingers, she dabbed my skin with the lightness of a bird pecking at seeds. I watch the hands of a life lived, moulded by purpose — the kind I liked best.

That's actually four sentences.

I'm not sure a bird pecking at seeds is an apt analogy here. My parrot butchers seeds with a ferocity more akin to a tiger. Maybe a robin or something would work, but I don't immediately think of lightness and bird-pecking together.

I'm not sure you need the "I watch" filtering, and I think you switched to past tense on 'liked' after establishing present tense with 'watch' so you might need to revisit that (depending on what others say).

Elle. · Feb 15, 2018

The Urban Spaceman said:
That's actually four sentences.

I'm not sure a bird pecking at seeds is an apt analogy here. My parrot butchers seeds with a ferocity more akin to a tiger. Maybe a robin or something would work, but I don't immediately think of lightness and bird-pecking together.

I'm not sure you need the "I watch" filtering, and I think you switched to past tense on 'liked' after establishing present tense with 'watch' so you might need to revisit that (depending on what others say).

Thanks for your comments. I didn't count the first one as it is just one word and I can easily replace the full stop with a dash to make it three.

Thanks for the suggestion, I will make it more bird species specific and definitely not go with a parrot! Thanks for catching that out it should be "I watched" and not I watch, so I've corrected that.

Southpaw · Feb 15, 2018

Elle. said:
Ok, I'll try. First three sentences of an experimental short story called A Show of Hands:

Shiny. The hands of the nurse, slathered with antiseptics and compassion as she tended to me. Cotton pinched between her fingers, she dabbed my skin with the lightness of a bird pecking at seeds.

I don't see the point of the one work sentence. Followed by another fragment. That stops me from reading on. The third sentence does have some interesting stuff though.

Elle. · Feb 15, 2018

Southpaw said:
I don't see the point of the one work sentence. Followed by another fragment. That stops me from reading on. The third sentence does have some interesting stuff though.

Thanks for your feedback! The one word is part of the experiment. The story is told through vignettes, each one representing a specific set of hands and starts with one word qualifying those hands.

[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

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