Favorite lines you've written

Lakey · Aug 10, 2018

This is not from my novel, but from a book review I wrote. I’m going to share it here anyway because I’m very pleased with myself.

“Trollope keeps his thumb on the scale in favor of the conservative element, those who would carry on running Barchester’s ecclesiastic institutions as they had been run, presumably, since Henry VIII sacked Cardinal Wolsey.”

:e2coffee:

Redredrose · Aug 11, 2018

WriteMinded said:
Redredrose and Flowerburgers: WOW.[/QUOTE
Thank you. I have a question. I've been trying to find writers on this platform who write murder mysteries without any luck. Are there a few? Hard-boiled? Cozy? Anything in between? What I write--2 novels in their second and third rewrites--are feminist, hard-boiled mysteries. I'd sure like to find a few others who do something similar.

Redredrose · Aug 11, 2018

Twick said:
Nicely hard-boiled!

Thank you, Twick.

I have a question, which I've asked one other writer here. I've been trying to find writers on this platform who write murder mysteries without any luck. Are there a few? Hard-boiled? Cozy? Anything in between? What I write--2 novels in their second and third rewrites--are feminist, hard-boiled mysteries. I'd sure like to find a few others who do something similar.

John Falcon · Aug 11, 2018

Redredrose said:
Thank you, Twick.

I have a question, which I've asked one other writer here. I've been trying to find writers on this platform who write murder mysteries without any luck. Are there a few? Hard-boiled? Cozy? Anything in between? What I write--2 novels in their second and third rewrites--are feminist, hard-boiled mysteries. I'd sure like to find a few others who do something similar.

Hi. I'm in my final edit of a murder mystery/suspense novel. It has kind of a neo-noir twist with just a slight touch of horror and supernatural. It's not feminist but it does have plenty of hard-boiled traits. Feel free to PM me if you want.

John Falcon · Aug 12, 2018

Here are two of my favorites from my WIP:

Bending over her shoulder, I kissed her neck. She shuddered and moaned, grabbed my hair and pulled my lips to her mouth, turned and pressed her ardent flesh against mine. Together we crawled to the sofa where we made slow, patient love, eyes locked together, bodies moving in rhythm like a finely tuned orchestra. Exhaustion pulled at my nerves but on we continued until first morning light. Then we closed our eyes and slept what we could, which was perhaps not even one hour but much needed nonetheless.

Ariana sipped her coffee. She was painfully beautiful, sad but formidable, with enigmatic black eyes and lush hair that tumbled like a cascade over her caramel-skin face.

WriteMinded · Aug 12, 2018

Redredrose said:
WriteMinded said:

Redredrose and Flowerburgers: WOW.[/QUOTE
Thank you. I have a question. I've been trying to find writers on this platform who write murder mysteries without any luck. Are there a few? Hard-boiled? Cozy? Anything in between? What I write--2 novels in their second and third rewrites--are feminist, hard-boiled mysteries. I'd sure like to find a few others who do something similar.

Click to expand...

Did you try the Mystery/Thriller/Suspense section? https://absolutewrite.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?38-Mystery-Thriller-Suspense

Redredrose · Aug 12, 2018

John Falcon said:
Hi. I'm in my final edit of a murder mystery/suspense novel. It has kind of a neo-noir twist with just a slight touch of horror and supernatural. It's not feminist but it does have plenty of hard-boiled traits. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Thanks, John. I will.

Redredrose · Aug 12, 2018

WriteMinded said:
Redredrose said:

Did you try the Mystery/Thriller/Suspense section? https://absolutewrite.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?38-Mystery-Thriller-Suspense

Click to expand...

Yes, I had. Found some, but not a lot.

tiddlywinks · Aug 12, 2018

Just a bit of setting from the draft I'm getting ready to shred. :evil

---------------------

Paradisio. Not a place she’d ever pictured herself, though she’d heard many a story from her father of its bright colors, wondrous riches from strange lands, and even stranger visitors to its shore. Built up along the steep hillside of what had once been an active volcano long ago, the town sprawled in a half crescent around the cove, set against verdant green forest and turquoise blue waters full of ships of all sizes. The town itself, however, did not match the bejeweled island crown Papa had bequeathed her in his tales. No, this was now the bastard pretender, wearing faded silks and too much paint to hide the peeling skin and sagging underbelly brought on by years of gambling, thieving, and debauchery.

The perfect setting for shady business.

starrystorm · Aug 12, 2018

tiddlywinks-- Love the voice here!

And good luck with the shredding. :e2chain:

tiddlywinks · Aug 12, 2018

Why, thank you!

*waves editing machete and smiles sweetly as manuscript cowers*

John Falcon · Aug 12, 2018

One of my beta readers demanded a synopsis of the story before he got started, so I was kind of forced to write it, but I think it came out fairly well:

Sleep-deprived murder detective Andrew Rizzolatti returns home to capture the man who killed his partner twenty years earlier. Guided by haunting dreams and visions of a mysterious young girl, Andrew soon finds himself tangled up in the deadly strands of a murderous satanic cult led by a villain hell-bent on revenge.

Redredrose · Aug 13, 2018

John Falcon said:
Sleep-deprived murder detective Andrew Rizzolatti returns home to capture the man who killed his partner twenty years earlier. Guided by haunting dreams and visions of a mysterious young girl, Andrew soon finds himself tangled up in the deadly strands of a murderous satanic cult led by a villain hell-bent on revenge.

Do you, the author, generally refer to your protag by Andrew? I ask because, if it's not settled in your mind, I think calling him by his last name, Rizzolatti, adds more punch.

Other than that, I think it's a strong synopsis. I did, however, wonder why it took Rizzolatti twenty years to return home and try to capture his partners killer. Others may have the same thought, and it may drag down their interest in reading the first few chapters. Maybe consider adding something, like:

Sleep-deprived murder detective Andrew Rizzolatti returns home, after half-a-dozen stints in rehab, to capture the man who killed his partner twenty years earlier. Guided by haunting dreams and visions of a mysterious young girl, Andrew soon finds himself tangled up in the deadly strands of a murderous satanic cult led by a villain hell-bent on revenge.

Obviously, I'm just guessing what took Rizzolatti 20 years, but I kept it to seven words. I think something that shows what caused this sleep-deprived detective (BTW, a vivid image) to be held back for all those years could make the synopsis come more alive--like half a sentence of backstory.

John Falcon · Aug 13, 2018

Redredrose said:
Do you, the author, generally refer to your protag by Andrew? I ask because, if it's not settled in your mind, I think calling him by his last name, Rizzolatti, adds more punch.

Other than that, I think it's a strong synopsis. I did, however, wonder why it took Rizzolatti twenty years to return home and try to capture his partners killer. Others may have the same thought, and it may drag down their interest in reading the first few chapters. Maybe consider adding something, like:

Sleep-deprived murder detective Andrew Rizzolatti returns home, after half-a-dozen stints in rehab, to capture the man who killed his partner twenty years earlier. Guided by haunting dreams and visions of a mysterious young girl, Andrew soon finds himself tangled up in the deadly strands of a murderous satanic cult led by a villain hell-bent on revenge.

Obviously, I'm just guessing what took Rizzolatti 20 years, but I kept it to seven words. I think something that shows what caused this sleep-deprived detective (BTW, a vivid image) to be held back for all those years could make the synopsis come more alive--like half a sentence of backstory.

Some very interesting points there, thanks.

The truth is he returns home after a new murder shows they put the wrong man behind bars and the killer remains free. To explain that would probably require a longer, different kind of synopsis, but I didn't want to add more sentences to this short blurb. However, I should add that this point is made clear in the very first chapter.

How does this subtle change sound to you:

Sleep-deprived murder detective Andrew Rizzolatti must return home to capture the man who killed his partner twenty years earlier. Guided by haunting dreams and visions of a mysterious young girl, Andrew soon finds himself tangled up in the deadly strands of a murderous satanic cult led by a villain hell-bent on revenge.

Redredrose · Aug 13, 2018

John Falcon said:
Some very interesting points there, thanks.

The truth is he returns home after a new murder shows they put the wrong man behind bars and the killer remains free. To explain that would probably require a longer, different kind of synopsis, but I didn't want to add more sentences to this short blurb. However, I should add that this point is made clear in the very first chapter.

How does this subtle change sound to you:

Sleep-deprived murder detective Andrew Rizzolatti must return home to capture the man who killed his partner twenty years earlier. Guided by haunting dreams and visions of a mysterious young girl, Andrew soon finds himself tangled up in the deadly strands of a murderous satanic cult led by a villain hell-bent on revenge.

I think it's much better.

indianroads · Aug 16, 2018

First cut, but I think it might have legs...

The world was on fire; turbulent orange and yellow clouds boiled high above as vermilion flames rose from the earth to paint the sky. A large animal screamed in agony as it ran through a maze of exploding pine trees leaving behind a trail of dark smoke and the pungent smell of burning fur. Was it a horse or a bison? He was uncertain if he knew the difference. The creature’s panicked shrieks could not dispel its torment, there is no escaping ourselves.

John Falcon · Aug 16, 2018

indianroads said:
First cut, but I think it might have legs...

The world was on fire; turbulent orange and yellow clouds boiled high above as vermilion flames rose from the earth to paint the sky. A large animal screamed in agony as it ran through a maze of exploding pine trees leaving behind a trail of dark smoke and the pungent smell of burning fur. Was it a horse or a bison? He was uncertain if he knew the difference. The creature’s panicked shrieks could not dispel its torment, there is no escaping ourselves.

Very visual, I liked it a lot.

DanielSTJ · Aug 17, 2018

indianroads said:
First cut, but I think it might have legs...

The world was on fire; turbulent orange and yellow clouds boiled high above as vermilion flames rose from the earth to paint the sky. A large animal screamed in agony as it ran through a maze of exploding pine trees leaving behind a trail of dark smoke and the pungent smell of burning fur. Was it a horse or a bison? He was uncertain if he knew the difference. The creature’s panicked shrieks could not dispel its torment, there is no escaping ourselves.

Poetic and visceral. Love it!

AnnieColleen · Aug 18, 2018

Doors — the city is stuffed with doors, strung like traps where facade meets mud.

indianroads · Aug 18, 2018

AnnieColleen said:
Doors — the city is stuffed with doors, strung like traps where facade meets mud.

Beautiful.

Anna Spargo-Ryan · Aug 19, 2018

AnnieColleen said:
Doors — the city is stuffed with doors, strung like traps where facade meets mud.

Love!

kkbe · Aug 19, 2018

AnnieColleen said:
Doors — the city is stuffed with doors, strung like traps where facade meets mud.

Perfect.

DanielSTJ · Aug 19, 2018

AnnieColleen said:
Doors — the city is stuffed with doors, strung like traps where facade meets mud.

Very nice! Awesome.

AnnieColleen · Aug 19, 2018

Thanks, all; very nice to hear.

RhysBC · Aug 20, 2018

Favourite line(s)...
'Why have you got two pigs pulling that cart?'
'Because two pigs are cheaper than one horse.'

Favorite lines you've written

Lakey

professional dilettante

Redredrose

Redredrose

John Falcon

John Falcon

WriteMinded

Derailed

Redredrose

Redredrose

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies

starrystorm

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies

John Falcon

Redredrose

John Falcon

Redredrose

indianroads

Wherever I go, there I am.

John Falcon

DanielSTJ

The Wandering Bard

AnnieColleen

Invisible Writer

indianroads

Wherever I go, there I am.

Anna Spargo-Ryan

Just pokin' about

kkbe

Huh.

DanielSTJ

The Wandering Bard

AnnieColleen

Invisible Writer

RhysBC