The Great Limerick Thread Compilation -- Part 4 (Limericks 1411-2000)
[... continued.]
[Note, no changes to correct or adjust the completed limericks have been made here. They appear just as they do in their original form.]
1411
A nasty old lech from Zagreb
never got valentines in Feb.
He oft wondered why,
'cos his earnings were high,
but ladies still spurned the old neb.
1412
There was an eclipse of the moon
Beneath which two lovers did swoon
Alone in the dark,
And both naked -stark,
They enjoyed a concerto, bassoon.
1413
Once a writer sat at her computer,
Checked the points supposed to repute her
she counted, too low!
The points do not show
cuz she wouldn't tell Mouse she was cuter!
1413a
Once a writer sat at her computer,
Checked the points supposed to repute her
she counted, too low!
The points do not show
Her joie-de-vivre, which did re-suffuse her
1414
A sneaky shop-keeper from Adelaide
Mixed vodka and gin in his lemonade
Chin, chin, all, said he
Gosh, I gotta' pee
Otherwise I cannot get laid.
1415
There once was a virgin in Hollywood,
Cast in a film shot in Bollywood
She was promptly deflowered
with coins she was showered
But she knew the whole thing was Follywood.
1416
There once was a man from Vancouver
Who vacuumed his house with a hoover
Then his dog disappeared;
It was worse than he feared:
The dog, he was Shaker, not mover!
1417
There once was a furniture salesman
Who thought he'd earn more as a bailsman.
He hung out his shingle,
His senses a-tingle
And now he gets cons out of jails, man.
1418
A boy with a pet allosaurus
Had a fondness for Roget's Thesaurus.
His reptilian playfellow
Not nearly so mellow
Lost a fight with a tyrranasaus.
1419
Osama escaped in a burkha
But soon was detained by a Ghurka
Who questioned old Bin
About Cardinal Sin
While threatening to shoot the foul lurker
1420
A hump-backed Mongolian camel,
an exceptionally diligent mammal,
he drinks once a year
but insists on draught beer
it can't damage his tooth enamel.
1421
There once was a lass from Shanghai
who married a lad from Chang Mai
Who loved kicking the gong
By a dry billabong
It rhymes but it's all a dang lie
1422
There once was this chap from Duluth
Who walked around saying "Forsooth"
and "varlet" and "thou"
and "How now, brown cow?"
"Pray thee beast, do udder the truth."
1423
There was a cat who'd lived nine lives
what's more he had ninety-plus wives.
Each one had ten kittens
Each of whom had 4 mittens
And all of whom broke out in hives.
1424
The night was incredibly dark
and cats were afoot in the park
Some ghouls were out howling
And hound dogs were growling
While peeing and leaving their mark.
1424a
The night was incredibly dark
and cats were afoot in the park
Some ghouls were out howling
And hound dogs were growling
One let out a spine-chilling bark
1425
I'm wasting my time on this thread
I'll regret it when I'm good and dead
But meanwhile it's fun
And does make the brain run
And it gives me some game-forum cred.
1426
There once was a barber from Philly
Who shaved and sheared, willy-nilly
With his razor and strop
Some ears he did lop
But never did sever a willy!
1427
A writer who finished her book
Had food for thought ready to cook
I seasoned the grammar
With Emeril's bammer
Without even taking a look.
1428
A dangerous weasel in Kent
Hired a willing maiden for rent
But rumours did spread;
Her talent in bed,
Guaranteed it was time well spent
1429
A fox wished to restore his good name
By saying he'd given up game
"I eat strictly vegan,
but am not a heathen
I believe wild turnips are still game."
1430
Dr Dolittle's Pushme-Pullyou
Annoyed a respectable gnu
The gnu said, "Which end
is more willing to bend?
and extend ? I have something for you !"
1431
A half-crazed young monk in a temple
Sat contemplating his dimple
When some incense he smelt
caused cravings for kelp
And a middle-aged nun in a wimple.
1432
A thoughtful, thin plumber from Darwin
Missed lunch and was utterly starvin
But craved spuds and sourdough
to a pub he did go
and cadged a beer off his best friend, Marvin.
1433
There once was a candidate for President,
Whose speechers were not what (s) he meant.
His rousing orations,
hid sly connotations
About the current White House resident.
1434
A novelist, playwright and hack,
was really no good in the sack
He failed with viagra
From London to Agra
And could not even have a good whack.
1435
A sly Bedouin from Sinai
tried out for the fighting Illini,
With his camel and knife
He caused mayhem and strife
leaving vulture food on the fly.
1436
A fandango dancer named Frances
Renowned for her pirouettes and prances
she spun and she twirled
while her clothes all unfurled
Causing plenty of lecherous glances.
1437
A Martian crash landed at Roswell
Along with a burning gauze smell
He pulled out a pistol
Made of alien crystal
Saying, "Put this in your diary, Mr. Boswell."
1438
Once a young senator from Chicago,
On a cosmic ride saw his star glow
On his way to White House,
He cheated on his spouse
In the limo, with Delores del Lago.
1439
Some writers were out one night drinking,
When one of them said, "Guys, I'm thinking...
the more that I drink,
the less my books stink
I'm thinking more drinking, less stinking."
1440
The President's approval rating,
Is full of holes, just like a grating.
But his followers claim
He's on top of his game
That's why there's war and more hating.
1441
In November the people will cheer
the candidates are promising free beer
As we trudge to the polls,
We look into our souls
And find that they're stiffened by fear.
1442
A grumpy old ghost named Jack
was really just a big hack
He wrote pulp horror
about an ore bore
And no editor ever wrote back
1443
An author and editor wed
but in their nuptial bed
the comic book art
showed a putrid fart
and both of their careers went dead.
1444
When perusing your thesauruses
For tyrannosaureses
Shun the archaic
even old Hebraic
And Cretan wild minotaureses.
1445
A horny old worshiper of Ishtar
took a prank a little too far
He worshipped Her greatly,
a Jonnie come lately . . . . . . . . ."Johnny," maybe?
Went to hell in Gilgamesh's car.
1446
There once was a lassie from Glasgow
Who had a single thick eyebrow
That wiggled and wormed
and squiggled and squirmed
Like a pretty boy stuck in the hoosegow.
1447
A gaucho who loved Florianópolis
said, "I'll never leave this great metropolis
The women are gorgeous,
they make me engorgeous,
They call me their Petite Hippopotamus
1448
Starbuck's just opened in Korea,
right next to a pizzeria
At ten dollars a cup
they never queue up
The combo might cause diarrhea.
1449
There once was an internet forum,
Called AWland where writers perfor-umed
With questions and comments
gramatical garments
An unimpechable decorum.
1450
A dancer in old Santa Fe
terara boom de ayed all day
to old be-bop tunes
Among Hopi ruins
From Jan-u-a-ry through to May
1451
A hostile invader from Mars
Had a passion for Cuban cigars
Now Raúl is in charge
Of all those cigars
And all the fierce rum in the bars.
1452
A brow-beaten housewife in Kent
Dumped her spouse in the River Trent
Then hopped in her car
and drove to the bar,
And made sure all his money got spent.
1453
A shady young fellow called Hal,
a robot, computer and pal,
while romping in space
tried saving his face
but lost to a brass-bodied gal.
1454
A robot sat very confused
Just which battery should he choose?
a 9 volt or a D?
AAA or plain C?
Or the cord hanging from his caboose?
1455
A long-legged ostrich named Sally
Was walking home through a dark alley
She encountered a mugger
Who only wanted to hug her
but she never was one to dally.
1456
A handsome three-headed galoot
Could turn from a prince to a brute
a singular cad
both good and bad
And he played fabulously on the lute.
1457
Casanova's best night in Venice
Was scoring six love in tennis
he made such a racket
unzipping his jacket
they soon called old Casa a menace.
1458
There once was a writer named Nymtoc
Who challenged a muscular gym jock
A jab with mere words
made him food for birds
Now the dude is a torn-limb-from-limb jock.
1459
Some rhymesters who use others' names
May not be successful with dames.
Using a nom de plume
And humming Claire de Lune
Theft is their only claim to fame
1460
Two young lovers named Fire and Ice
Met two others called Sugar and Spice
Up on Lover's Leap
They all groped in a heap,
And experienced all manners of vice.
1461
A grumpy curmudgeon from Philly
decided critique groups were silly
he refused to play
or even to say
cuz he'd rather be strokin' his willy.
1462
A poet who penned dreadful verse
Was struck by a terrible curse
Whatever he rhymed
in pentameter timed,
Would need to be coaxed and coerced.
1462a
A poet who penned dreadful verse
Was struck by a terrible curse
Whatever he rhymed
in pentameter timed,
Just kept getting gradually worse.
1463
His friends thought him ever so wise
your great words have opened our eyes!
He is a liar and a cheat,
Which is no small feat
from his sales, one can clearly surmise.
1464
A happy young dodo named Hugh
Got high on a large pot of glue
he sniffed and he snorked
(some would say he was 'sporked')
I'd say he was dumb. Wouldn't you?
1465
There once was a girl from Dubuque
Who won American Idol on a fluke
When Paula and Simon
applauded her rhymin'
The FCC issued a strong rebuke.
1466
A cobbler named Hugh went to Canturbury
With a bear that was exceedingly furry
"This is my new wife
Whom I wed for this life
and I want out of it in a hurry."
1467
A wily old Scotsman named McDuf
was dour, grumpy and gruff
from the stale green ale
he drank from a pail
till he'd nap and sleep it all off.
1468
When the Irish come visit the Scots
The whiskey is brought out in pots
The contest is vicious
and the haggis delicious
the participents pass out in lots.
1469
When storming the castle McDougall
The invaders decided to google
But without their WiFi
the Scotsmen were hog-tied
They lost because they were too frugal.
1470
There once was an internet guru,
who went by "Lieutenant Uhuru,"
A mouse at his finger,
All day he would linger
all the while singing, "Cucuru."
1471
One week on American Idol,
the youngest singer sang with such style
the judges just cheered
Wondering how she'd been reared
Made Paula down one more Midol
1472
A speech writer could not decide
To lambast or just to deride
she scribbled and sighed,
and finally lied,
And rambled with words that were snide.
1473
A surgeon from old Mandalay
Was sharpening his knives one fine day
he prepared to chop
Hack, slit and crop
Not wanting the patient to slay.
1474
On Sunday we go to the polls
To vote for the hairy old trolls.
The experts predict
we're sure to evict
and be left with nothing but holes.
1475
The candidate tried to impress
By putting on Hillary's dress,
But voters just giggled
While Hillary wriggled
In a palpable state of distress
1476
Australia has leaders afresh
Who wish to untangle the mesh
But the proof of the pudding
Is who did the hooding?
And who will want their pound of flesh?
1477
Young Violet was fond of gardenias
Though she didn't much care for seniors
The problem with geezers
Is that they're all wheezers
And have opinions that often demean yours
1478
A fish is an awful good swimmer
Despite having brains so much dimmer
He gets stuffed to the gills
But no thanks and no frills
He's no use but to kill and to simmer.
1479
I thought I heard a nightingale,
But I know sometimes my ears can fail,
I hear birds in my head
chirping when I'm in bed
Or is it my wife wagging her tail?
1480
There once was a lurker of threads
Whose hair was Medusa-like dreads
To look at her eyes
Amidst all the flies
Would make all your writings get read.
1481
A writer from ol' Nantucket
Kept her MS in a bucket,
She said with a grin
"I just soak it in gin
If it don't get read, then f**k it!"
1482
A poet who wrote verse in blood
O'er the eyes of an errant spud
Fell in love with a pea
But dumped him for me
And then wrote you're a bit of a dud.
1483
A vendor of noodles, Liu Feng
Liked eating them dipped in ginseng
She added Tofu
Which made them turn blue
which then caused both her ears to ring.
1484
A hustler of ladies called the Klonk,
would play them some David Van Ronk,
he promised their pay
For one little lay
It turned to a non-ending bonk.
1485
A woman tripped into a grave,
Whilst seeing the sights in Belgrave
She fell on a skull,
Cried, "This town ain't dull !"
Climbed out, wandered off feeling brave.
1486
"We really should not meet like this,"
said she, as she gave her a kiss,
My husband's so plebian,
But I'm now a lesbian
And as for guys, I'll take a Miss"
1487
A girl with a preference for whips
Was known for her ruby-red lips
She smacked 'em and more
Like a Jolie-clone whore
And blistered their naughty bad hips.
1488
A writer who thought he was God
was bothered when told that was odd
Once published by PA
They'd all rue the day
He smote them with whip and with rod.
1489
There once was a Wyoming democrat,
Whose son was an unflinching plutocrat.
One voted Republican,
but Ron Paul didn't win,
now he rides the range with Barack
1490
A blue norther struck Hawaii
predicted by a genius from M.I.T.
While volcanoes erupted,
his thesis interrupted,
He cried, "Oh," also "U, A, and I-E."
1491
There once were some procrastinators
Who happened to be gladiators,
They always delayed,
before they got slayed,
With hopes that the blows would abate
1492
A ginger haired teacher from Hobart
made one dainty blueberry tart
to nibble in class
while drinking a glass
of hemlock, all crude things to part
1493
A tall, dipsy seamstress from Darwin,
With long pointy ears like fair Arwen,
Was feeling down under,
Her senses a-wonder
She wandered so near and so far-win.
1494
These rhymes and these meters both suck,
But I really just don't give a pluck
just type anything
ring-a-ding-ding,
and make something up if you're stuck.
1495
Yea! The red-winged blackbirds are back!
I will hang them all up with thumbtacks!
Or baked in a pie,
With a crust made of rye,
And a smidgeon of gut German Zweiback.
1496
A lonely old Templar in France
went crusading without any pants
Free to roam as he pleased
He tempted and teased
he ended as dinner for ants.
1497
A boisterous young nun from Cathay
made a road trip to old Mandalay
driving all hell for leather
To a man who would bed her
She said, "Man, come do me today!"
1497a
A boisterous young nun from Cathay
made a road trip to old Mandalay
driving all hell for leather
To a man who would bed her
for a one night roll in the hay.
1498
Up north where the grizzly bears live,
I captured a trout in a sieve.
But the fish got away
Singing "Hey diddly day!"
Not a care nor a damn did it give.
1499
One Monday while typing these words
I was attacked by flocks of wild birds
"My God, I've been Hitchcocked!
And my guns are all flintlocks!"
And they pecked down my story two-thirds.
1500
I have a friend named Bobby McGee
Who had an affair with Nanny McPhee
But their love didn't last
With his staff at half mast
And the fact that he just couldn't pee.
1501
Some of these verses are sh*te!
The rest of them aren't quite right,
But some people skip'em
And some people flip 'em
And some verses shine a bright light.
1502
My friend has a fondness for cows,
and his favorite pair of sows,
though he may be eccentric,
Obtuse and pedantic
Animals love his polyphonic prose.
1503
I almost forgot to begin this verse,
Because I was riding in a hearse.
'Twas me in the coffin,
With another old boffin
Who had expressed interest in exploring my.... purse.
1504
I found my shoe upon my head,
when I woke up this morn in bed,
my hat on my toes,
my sock on my nose,
And the rest on Uncle Ted!
1505
I wish I had never got up
As now I must clean up the pup.
He's covered in poop
At least a full scoop,
now where is that measuring cup?
1506
I'm writing this while I'm at work
With a boss who's a terrible jerk
He's reading this verse
While mouthing a curse
And sharpening a knife with a smirk.
1507
If life were fair we would play all day
While squand'ring our youth all away
Without a single care
Like a dancing bear
Only lighter and somewhat fey.
1508
There once was a raven of malice
Who stood on E.A. Poe's chalice
Looking dour and dark
And emulating Miss Snark
But nothing at all like dear Alice.
1509
It really is time for some sleep.
so I'm off to counting the sheep
though my stomach does ache
I'm afraid I shan't wake
To pictures of Little Bo Peep!
1510
A skillful designer of shoes,
Couldn't believe the good news,
better than Prada,
and made in Granada,
Two shoes that youse just can't refuse.
1511
This limerick thing is addictive
Though some of the rhymes are conflictive
Some can be nasty
While others are ghastly
Still others are wise and reflective.
1512
To think in verse is a maddening
Complaint, and also quite saddening
For each little rhyme
Can be a small crime
For which the grammar police will set up a sting.
1513
If you ask me which witch is which,
I'll tell you to go scratch an itch
I hate you so much,
you’re so hairy and butch
And you think of nothing but glitz.
1514
While trying to think of a verse
she happened to think of a curse
'Oh &#%$@£*s!' she swore.
I can't think of more
Without it getting much worse.
1514a
While trying to think of a verse
she happened to think of a curse
'Oh &#%$@£*s!' she swore.
I can't think of more
What about *£$%&& and @£**? - they're much worse
1515
One fine sunny day in Peru,
I happened to run into you,
I flattened your face,
To give you more space,
While greatly improving the view.
1516
A thoughtful young lady in Greece
remembering the golden fleece
set off in pursuit
Of Queen Hatsheput,
But only ran into her niece.
1517
A sceptical writer one day,
In Hawai'i examined her lei,
Old, fat, and round,
Mentally unsound,
"It's fake!" was all she could say.
1518
A governor from old New York
Got busted for being a dork
he tipped the wrong tart,
and now he must part,
and stifle his lust with a cork.
1519
A flippant young man from Melbourne
Danced while playing the French horn,
With movements eclectic,
He found it too hectic,
and on him the critics heaped scorn.
1520
A fey maiden from Kalamazoo,
Stepped in a pile of poo
As she wiped it away
she heard a voice say
Do you want to play my kazoo?
1521
There once was a brain in a jar
That thought of driving a car
While lacking in hands,
It still understands,
Teleportation will take one far.
1522
Osama escaped wearing a burkha,
accompanied by none but his gurkha,
They fled to Tashkent,
skipped out on the rent,
And watched a silent movie starring Blanche Yurka.
1523
An astronaut had diarrhea,
While flying over North Korea,
So, losing his load,
And about to explode,
He gaily called out, "Good to see ya!"
1524
It's depressing, reading the news,
especially wearing tight shoes,
If I loosen my laces,
And walk twenty paces,
I've through with feeling the blues
1525
I saw a young lady from Devon,
In fact, I actually saw seven,
They were quite petite,
Standing at three feet,
waiting to see Ocean's Eleven.
1526
This season on American Idol,
I wish they'd be wiped by a wave tidal,
Or a nice tsunami,
Or a big fat salami,
or rope Simon and throw on a bridle.
1527
There once was a vicar from Bristol
With a passion for Waterford crystal
He would sit and admire
a piece, all a-fire
Then SMASH it to bits with his pistol.
1528
Glub glub!’ he exclaimed as he floundered
And "Gadzooks!" said he as he zoundered
"The waters are rising!
from what I'm surmising,
I am very soon to be drowndered"
1529
Three strippers, two nuns and a chicken
Went into town for a lickin'
at an icecream shoppe
They ordered some gloppe
which still to their ribs is a stickin'.
1530
A voluptuous widow from Parma,
was obsessed with improving her kharma.
While reading the Reg Vida,
which aroused her libida,
She woke up sore in Max Pharma.
1531
While browsing the forums at AW,
newbies say, "I hate to trouble you,
but how do you write?
all day or at night?
Should I use one space or do you think a double-do?
1532
This morning while reading the news
I shuddered and reached for some booze
The scandal was awful
Not moral nor lawful
But that babe sure lit Spitzer's fuse.
1533
A gaucho in Argentina named Horst
Revealing his Nazi past, was forced
To pay for his crimes
42 times
He was married but now he's divorced.
1534
A child with long, golden locks,
ran around busting up old clocks
rusty cogs and gears
those poor old dears
they ended up stacked like his blocks.
1535
A buxom young mermaid from Crete
Had no orifice from which to excrete
And try as she might
all day and all night,
this function she could not complete.
1536
A hairy old goat-herd from Sydney
Had a seriously weak only kidney,
he needed to pee
Relentlessly
which gave him a cramp around mid-knee.
1537
A transvestite from Old San Franciso
Had a special use for his Crisco
it wasn't for cooking,
he used it for looking
and hooking near a Castro Stree Disco.
1538
A barber with quite shaky hands
Collected and sold rubber bands.
He had a big ball,
then came the call
To visit strange faraway lands.
1539
This week we all celebrate Easter
and we bathe the bunnies with 'Fleaster'
which makes their fur itch
and shed like a bitch
all the way down to their knee-sters.
1540
A hot Easter chick called Matilda
Purchased a big yellow dilda
To hit Woof o'er the head
Then drag him to bed
Then cried "Woof (!), I'm so sorry I kilda!"
1541
Some partying writers from "A-Dub"
Will end up debauched and may rub
themselves and each other
with kisses will smother
which beats drowning in the hot tub.
1542
A new orator named Obama
Has the dems falling for his glama'
The sparking words void,
Senator Clinton's annoyed,
'Cause we're gaining a dad, not a mama.
1543
There once was a forum of writers,
All of them lovers, not fighters,
They shared their dreams,
Their rants and their screams,
And often pulled all-nighters!
1544
Bob lived in a land of plenty,
Of wives he had around twenty,
He cheated on each,
Both times at the beach,
while enjoying a latte, size venti.
1545
One day, while typing my novel,
I stopped to peek out from my hovel,
My neighbor was there,
and also quite bare,
"Please put your clothes back on!" I did grovel.
1546
I once knew a nun with a limp,
So I, such a precocious imp,
Would make the gal run,
And watch each bun,
With the eye of a very proud pimp.
1547
As bulls go, he's bigger than most,
And that's why he's known coast to coast
As Ferdinand the Strong
Who rivals King Kong
with an obscenity I dare not post.
1548
Is the word root for Putin puta?
Is the noun form of scootin', scoota?
It's a puzzle to me
and should be to thee,
and more so if living in Utah.
1549
A writer who seldom was sober
Was sometimes a public disrober,
her hobby was streaking,
And I enjoyed peeking
Till cops came and started to probe 'er.
1550
Two weeks ago Sue was a virgin
'Til she got that inevitable urgin'
So she sent out a plea,
"Someone de-flower me!"
She can get renewed by a surgeon.
1551
An unbathed chap name of Keith,
Was strolling one day on the heath,
"All soap is unclean,
you know what I mean?"
Then Keith scratched himself underneath.
1552
There once was a dolly from Bali
Who shacked up with Seamus O'Malley
But she wouldn't wear green
She thought it obscene
And with him no longer would dally.
1553
A curmudgeonly Scot most dour
Preferred his haggis made sour
But drank single malt
And then would assault
Any Sassanach who at him would glower.
1554
A horrible child aged two
Threw tantrums whenever on view.
His mum thought it cute
Til he spat on her boot
So she gave him a whack. Wouldn't you?
(page 260) 1555
The Amazon warriors were strong,
their eyelashes lovely and long,
their bosoms were steel
Even if only 1 was real,
alas, they eschew the schlong.
1556
There once was a fairy named Bob,
named for the motion of his head when on the job.
He had a magic wand
And an aide who was blonde
Who was a right awful snob
1557
A man with a horse and a duck
Faced his enemy with plenty of pluck,
mounting duck, holding horse,
he wandered off course,
muttering, "Christ, but these limericks suck."
1558
There once was a hooker from Reno,
Who repeatedly serviced Jay Leno ( it rhymes on paper)
But Leno denies it,
the hooker defies it,
To hell with it. Let's go play Keno.
1559
Today I saw ten purple horses,
three dragons and tiny armed forces,
A blissful battleground
Where cries of death abound,
From reality I've gotten divorces.
1560
Writers who like making limericks
Are more amusing than Soviet apparatchniks
Perhaps driven by ego,
And still others can't count, though,
as for rhyming, that's just a cheap gimmerick.
1561
There once was a guy from Punjabi,
Who was a vicious fanatical Wahabi
He said "death to the infidels"
storm all their citadels!
And smear them all with some wassabi!"
1562
A writer who went for a walk
Wrote obscenities on a wall with chalk
A cop came along
Singing a song
"Do it again and your bung hole I'll caulk."
1563
A crosseyed quarterback from Stanford
Was eating sprouts and some bean curd
When he bit on his tongue
He coughed out a lung
and didn't care, he was so bored.
1564
A rollicking pirate named Jackie
dressed his parrot in the finest weave khaki
Complete with peg leg
and a small Easter egg,
Faux Fabergé thus thoroughly tacky
1565
A girl missed the train at Cucamonga,
and found herself arriving in Tonga,
She refused to get off
without a good boff
And Six lessons from Madame La Zonga. (ca. 1940 hit novelty song)
1566
A busty accordionist from Bologna
Met a tympanist from Patagonia
they squeezed and they clashed
They shagged and they mashed
Until they both died from pneumonia.
1567
There was a young gigolo from Nice
who enjoyed crashing wedding feasts
He flirted with the bride
and got kicked to the side
for trying to make off with the ice.
1568
Feasts and Nice don't really rhyme,
learning tact takes little time
but if errors we coddle
then in quacks will waddle
Their efforts not worth a dime.
1569
A poodle could not control its piddling
Nor would it restrain from diddling.
When he mounted a Boxer
And tried to outfox her
She said, "Dude, your technique is middling."
1570
A poodle could not control its piddling
Nor would it restrain from diddling
When out on a walk
you'd recoil in shock
from the wee that wasn't widdling.
1571
Stretching the words is so much fun,
Two syllables appear where there was one,
And I like being prolix,
It's just how I get kicks,
And this last line is available for stuffing extra syllables into--anyone?
1572
A guitarist from old Pensacola,
made great music on the new Rockola
Playing a splendiferous riff
while smoking a spliff,
But they took him away for payola.
1573
A forgetful poster named Fox,
While consuming her bagels and lox,
Clicked on the wrong thread,
'Cause some poster had led
Her to think that her limericks were crocks
1574
A large burly man from Japan
Was addicted to Chinese Fan-tan
He bet and he lost,
His head was the cost
But he never did pay, he just ran.
1575
A president wasn't so smart
putting the horse before the cart.
Who cares for elections?
Or pensive reflections,
Things that you can't finish – don't start.
1576
A tourist to Iowa found
A bottomless hole in the ground
Which led straight to hell
as she could tell
As she she replaced Prometheus bound.
1577
A randy old friar from Bordeaux,
Was so poor he could not afford l'eau,
But lashings of brandy,
Were always quite handy,
What's more, they gave him a gleaux.
1578
Old Merlin, they say, was quite wise,
His brain of quite a large size,
But some of his spells
From the old Book of Kells
Shrunk Morgana le Fay to thumbs size.
1579
A barber not Figaro from Seville
Drank coffee not tea from Brazil
It livened him up
He drank cup after cup
Now he feels hale and hearty not ill.
1580
There once was an artichoke eater
Who cruised the town in his two-seater
Trolling for babes
Of sensuous shapes
won a wife in a bet much sweeter.
1581
A paltry old parson named Ork
Sired an illegitimate son in York.
When grown, son said, "Dad,
My mum said you had
Three more wives and six more kids in Cork."
1582
There once was a mad millionairess
Who wanted her Mexican hairless.
He said "Ay, Chihuaha!
Don't tell Baba Wawa!"
If you need me I'm out on the terrace.
1583
Two rules to follow when writing:
One--start out with something exciting.
Then follow it through,
but whatever you do
Be sure you're plugged in with good lighting.
1584
An inventor deranged and bizarre
Carried chickens around in his car.
He thought it'd be neat
to feather his seat
But his ass got stuck to the tar!
1585
I knew a musician from France,
Who was a gaudy flaming nance,
He’d flounce as he fiddled
And mince while he piddled,
He was a lot of fun at a dance.
1586
One day, while cleaning my drawers
(Not one of my favorite chores),
I slipped on the soap
And felt like a dope
Now my bum is all covered with sores.
1587
A man picked his teeth with a fork
While at "21" in New York
Then he farted out loud,
Scandalizing the crowd,
Then grossed them all with a hork.
1587a
A man picked his teeth with a fork
While at "21" in New York
Then he farted out loud,
Scandalizing the crowd
Who cried out as one, "What a dork!"
1588
A girl who was rather ill bred
went out with a lout, name of Ted,
They ate with their feet
and it was really a treat
To lick all their toes 'till they bled.
1589
A poet who wrote ugly verse
Was sure that his rhymes were all cherce.
His couplets were lewd,
his sonnets most rude
And his limericks incredibly worse
1590
A man wrote a tale on his thumb
He knew it was terribly dumb.
No one could read it,
Or rent, sell or deed it.
Now he's inconsolably glum.
1591
A woman who lived in a tree
Had a puppy, a Dinmont (Dandee)
This cute little terrier
could pilot a Harrier
And hovered above her to pee!
1592
A tall, slender fella named Ted,
had trouble when lying in bed
Haunted by wet dreams,
nightmares and screams,
He slept vertical till he was dead.
1593
The congressman sat on a horse,
Pictured strong for all to endorse
the horse threw him off,
And his image went soft
And he lost the election, of course
1594
An author wrote epics in space,
Writing plot points to shore up his base.
Freed of all gravity,
he pulled out of his cavity
A joker, 3 queens and an ace.
1595
A man who liked wrestling in lard
dressed in a spandex leotard
thusly attired,
And crack-coke wired,
Slipped, and on his arse fell hard.
1596
A woman with hair on her chin
Thought personal grooming a sin
She stroked her long whiskers
And squeezed a few blisters
Causing pus and gunk to ooze to her shin.
1597
King Arthur returned late at night
And crashed into an armored knight.
"Ouch!" Bang boom crash!
And a most painful gash
Still he's known for winning that fight.
1598
There was once a compound in Texas
Run by lecherous over-sexas
In pioneer garb
and fence, wired barb,
They took him to jail in his Lexus
1599
A young man who studied Tai Chi
Ate only curds, whey, and sushi
A fit vegetarian,
And also a contrarian
And as for his girlfriend, well who's she?
1600
A writer who balked at bad rhymes,
Edited his sonnet at least twenty times,
Still, his meter was off,
So far one might scoff,
He'll never make this come out right and I swear he'd be rich if every superfluous syllable was a dime!
1601
A waitress who lived in a hovel,
had ideas that would fill a shovel
When given a tip,
she'd lick just one lip,
Cause it wasn't in her to grovel.
1602
If Hillary gets elected
Will women at last be respected?
Were that it were true,
For those of each hue,
and not just for those well connected.
1603
If McCain wins the upcoming race,
The demos'll have egg on their face.
We'll stay in Iraq
'Til the buzzards come back
and chase us right out of the place.
1604
There once was a frustrated writer
Whose wife was significantly brighter.
When he wanted some action
He considered that traction
Could make their relationship lighter.
1605
If ever I went to Australia,
a postcard or two I would mail ya
Of Koalas and Dingos
And other strange thing-os
And the most incomprehensible lingos.
1606
A dapper young man from Manhattan,
Went to school to study old Latin,
In bowtie and spats
Shouts "Fama volat"
May I please have my aristidis au gratin?
1607
A ribald old poet from Dayton
Met a pretty young redhead from Stayton.
He desired her bod
but the randy old sod
Had no clothes suitable to mate in.
1608
A young man suffering ennui
complained about ongoing pink eye
But he was too blasé
And had to pause, eh
This limerick is too screwed up to deny--or decree, depending on your choice of which word to rhyme.
1609
Some limericks are harder than others,
'Tis true, but if I had my druthers,
I'd write just for fun
And pen every pun
And I'd finish my own, not another's.
1610
A young broomball star thought it funny
to endorse a product for money
So he chose Hoover,
it was a real mover,
And made his life sweeter than honey.
1611
A writer who sat in a slump
wrote "I, I, I have a sore rump.
I can't concentrate,
My deadline's late
Tht's why I feel like a worthless chump.
1612
A Polish Pianist from Pryzmyl,
played while he ate Weiner schnitzel
Grease covered the keys
Made glissandos with ease,
But his timing was all on the fritz--hell!
1613
A fellow who lived in his SUV
needed to expel gas excessively.
He'd stick his head out
the window and shout,
'My car's foriegn-dependency free!'
1614
A writer was giving a speech
comparing sand grains on the beach
with drops of sea water
upon which a sea otter,
rested comfortably in his new-found niche.
1615
A drunken young man from Ireland,
Tired of his life as a hired hand,
Fled out of the bog
And married a hog
After which they started a band.
1616
A portly old duffer from Kent,
had difficulty paying his rent
He asked for a loan
with barely a moan
But evicted, moved into a tent.
1617
A scandalous girl from Dubai
wore her Burka, while she got high.
She smoked her hashish
and twirled her leash
While a mullah was stroking her thigh.
1618
An actor with very bad teeth
Went out for a stroll on the heath
He was British, you see,
So he couldn't just flee
And they gave him a jolly good wreath.
1619
A sad-eyed old monk in Nepal
Stepped in gunk best described as fecal,
But being a Buddhist
And one of the shrewdest
cussed, "Damnit! Don't karma beat all?"
1620
A young floozie named Mimi LaRue
Had a power drill, but just one screw
She hired a mechanic
And made that boy panic
'Would you prefer I use superglue?'
1621
A walrus perused the late paper
While honing his tusks with a shaper,
"Hey, Carpenter, look!"
he said as he shook,
"The oysters have come for a caper!"
1622
No matter what planet you're from,
There's always another so dumb
they'll vote for a putz
who's ruled by his lust
Who'll be forever controlling your thumb.
1623
Whenever you hear a sound,
And your heart begins to pound,
your fingers go numb
your throat's struck dumb
your creativity's run aground.
1624
A flirtatious dugong called Mazie
Met a squid who he fancied like crazy
Said he "Let's go back to my place,
you can sit on my face"
"Oh let's just float, I'm feeling lazy."
1625
A king known as Tyranosaurus
Whose long speeches easily bored us
in the era cretaceous,
was feeling flirtatious
And recited love poems sonorous.
1626
An old lush who loved Spanish brandy
would keep his flask of it handy,
Pondering, he'd sip
should I guzzle, or drip?
Sorry Honey, it's just like candy.
1627
Springtime the geese come a layin'
and the skunks wake up and start sprayin'
The chiggers start bitin'
So the lake looks invitin'
I'm divin' right in, then I'm stayin'.
1628
My deadline is coming up fast
I hope that the coffee will last
I've not slept a wink,
It's proof read, I think
But oops, I have misspelled Avast!
1629
An archaeologist among the ruins of Karnak
bent over and injured her back,
But when a young man offered his hand,
she gently reminded him that the third and fourth line of a limerick should only have two beats throughout the land,
Then told him he was a literary hack.
1630
A grizzled old hunter from Maine
Said, "Shoot the moose! He don't feel pain."
The moose demurred
Said he, "I'm not a bird."
"There's my revenge, allow me to explain..."
1631
Horton the elephant heard a who
albeit microscopic, it's true,
but despite the vast gap,
"A person's not crap,
It whispered: To Thine Own Self Be True
1632
A prince flew a chopper for love
And hovered a little above
Crooning, "Please, kiss me Kate."
And don't make me wait
My co-pilot might give me a shove.
1633
A poster at the water cooler,
A very well-known drooler,
Said something odd
About their favourite mod
"I'd like to see her dance the hooler."
1633a
A poster at the water cooler,
A very well-known drooler,
Said something odd
About their favourite mod
And was beaten with a ruler.
1633b
A poster at the water cooler,
A very well-known drooler,
Said something odd
About their favourite mod
Who then compared it to manure.
1634
A CSI expert from Vegas,
remarked that "This case will plague us
Since everyone's blind
and in gambling behind
Let's just take another hiatus
1635
The writer who cheers "it's Friday!"
Is not going off to a hideaway.
But hoisting a brew
To all but a few,
Who mounted their camels to ride away.
1636
A woman who cursed at computers
found pictures of her daughter's hooters
On Girls Gone Wild
that reprobate child
She'll have no reputable suitors.
1637
A sharp Vegas dealer named Duke
Felt no need to respond to rebuke
Texas Hold'em he dealt,
Laid five cards on the felt,
And the loser shot off his peruke.
1638
A cat with a whimsical attitude
Said "Cat got your tongue?" is a platitude.
"To rain cats and dogs"
Is absurd. Why not frogs?
And he pondered on this as the fat he chewed.
1639
A cat with a whimsical attitude
Said "Cat got your tongue?" is a platitude.
"To rain cats and dogs"
Is absurd. Why not frogs?
That it's not causes me to feel gratitude."
1640
‘With a hey and a ho nonny no’
A country bumpkin stubbed his toe
He fell on his bum
And spilling his rum
Said, "Whoa, Nellie, 'tain't a good show!
1641
I wonder if chocolate and milk
will come off if I scrub this silk?
They say soda works best
But I fear to try, lest
it leaves a spot or else of that ilk.
1642
There once was an amorous moose
who fell in love with a flighty goose.
"Dear goose are you willing
To go through a grilling?
asked a chef nearby, name of Bruce.
1643
There once was a guy named Obama,
Who rode into town on his llama,
With preacher in tow
Who cawed hate like a crow
And sounded a lot like Osama.
1644
A wombat that thought it could fly
Leaped from a cliff high into the sky
While sailing through space
With a smile on its face
It thought, "I'm so happy I could die."
1645
A dragon-slaying hero of yore,
Had a face that looked like a sore
The princess he saved
Had arms unshaved,
And she dribbled and drooled when she swore.
1646
A dragon-slaying hero of yore,
Had a face that looked like a sore
The princess he saved
Had arms unshaved
thus they lived happily, evermore.
1647
There once was a sprightly old fella
Who impersonated Nelson Mandela
With compassionate heart
A movement he did start
In time for a new Cinderella
1648
A year after winds ravaged Kansas,
bringing despair to woman and manses,
The sunflowers bloomed
The starling nests boomed,
and we're all in the back getting tanses.
1649
Now that I'm older and wiser
I wish I'd been more of a miser
I wouldn't trust banks
Except with Swiss Francs
And I would have bought stocks in Pfizer
1650
Today I met a strange man
Who said, "Let's go see Kazakhstan!"
As he stepped on his carpet
Atop a minaret
I wondered if he had a plan.
1651
There was a fair maiden afloat
On a crumpet she thought was a boat
But the crumpet got soaked
And the maid almost croaked
In the crocodile-infested moat.
1652
The Queen said "Off with his head!"
It seemed her lover had failed her in bed.
The King was so pleased
he stayed on his knees
and pleased her in that way instead.
1653
A limerick should be obscene.
Who cares about rhymes that are clean?
Clean just doesn't sell
Good taste, go to hell!
F*** off, you prudes! Know what I mean?
1654
A lovely young lady from Kent
Saw his gaze, and knew what it meant
He continued to stare
With never a care
that she, knowing why, up and went.
1655
Two things to remember when writing:
That the ego and id like fighting.
Said Ego to Id,
"Now look here, you kid!
You can slap all you like but no biting."
1656
Sir Nigel left without a line
So I'll submit a line of mine
Pray, make it brief
We need relief
From verses silly and malign.
1657
No more keyboard, for me a quill
From which will flow words, better still
"Forsooth!" I shall write
"Ye gads!" and then smite
After which yards of beer I shall swill.
1658
It is said no word can rhyme with orange,
'tho Nash quipped, "I just adore Inge."
But who is Nash?
Does he have cash?
Or is he as broke as a door 'inge?
1659
Two gumdrops decided to marry
But one of them wanted to tarry
He wasn't quite sure
If she was still pure
But he still loved her flavor: blueberry
1660
A pirate ship lost in a storm
Had a captain who looked like a worm.
He steadied the helm
And entered a realm (is that okay, Pthom?)
where piracy wasn't the norm.
1661
A porcupine frantic for love
couldn't find any help from above.
So, rattling his quills
He popped a few pills
And mistakingly boffed a cute dove.
1662
A vaquero from old Vera Cruz
Got borracho on rotten old booze
He fell off his bayo
On Cinco de Mayo
And exposed his poor sesos to luz
1663
A limerick writer from Paris
whose pseudonym was Henry Harris
could not find a rhyme
to sell for a dime
So he wrote short stories that scare us.
1664
A writer who dreamed of perfection
Through his heroine had an erection
But he suffered withdrawal
and he threw in the towel
When his editor made the correction.
1665
On Mayday the maypole was raised
The nymphs and satyrs became crazed
Chanting unionist rants
They took off their pants
They had pants? I'll say I'm amazed.
1666
There once was a limerick writer
Who sat on a cigarette lighter.
His pants were on fire,
The flames getting higher
Quite irking that shameless old blighter!
1667
A young nurse who knew how to draw blood
was startled by a sudden thud.
A patient on the floor
Reputed to be a whore
had fainted. Said the nurse, "Oh crud."
1668
I once had a lovely romance
Who tangoed the sexiest dance
She gyrated all nude
Oh, far from a prude!
She held on to his sizable lance.
1669
An ostrich who lived in denial
Kept the evidence in a small vial.
Though it was close at hand
Buried under the sand
He was sentenced to death at his trial.
1670
A man with a very small brain
Was petty, dim-witted and vain.
No peacock was prouder
Or thick as clam chowder
Except the President from Maine
1671
Barbara Walters interviewed herself
While staring into a mirror on the shelf
She feigned sincerity
Clutching her dignity
And answered like the oracle at i-delph.
1672
talkwrite, please drop us a line
The forgetful should pay a big fine
10 bucks for each word--
Says talkwrite, "My lord!
What makes you think I own a mine?"
1673
A writer woke up one fine day
and cried 'I have something to say!'
"My muse has returned,
And oh! What I've learned!
So now I must write an essay."
1674
A guilt-ridden boozy old hack
Who lived in a filthy old sack
Decided to cull
From Tom Wolf's Man in Full
But bad karma was all he got back.
1675
A plagiarist I once knew
Stole Will's Taming of the Shrew
Kate was a bon mot
Who stole the show
But the Bard's estate went on to sue.
1676
There once was a guy name of Caesar
Who was quite a naughty old geezer
and comic called Sid
Much joking he did--
I can't tell them apart, what a teaser.
1677
A worthless old pile of potatoes
Was worn by some guys in their speedos,
With bulges unsightly
These geezers felt sprightly
'Cause their bulges were red as tomatoes.
1678
A journalist after a story
Decided he'd make it sound gory.
A mere light contusion
Would add to confusion
When the corpse was found in a quarry.
1679
A vampire who could not abide blood
Had his coffin engulfed in black mud
He refused a transfusion
And instead drank some juice in
A skull while awaiting the flood.
1680
Then getting back into his coffin
He ate a blueberry muffin
On which he did choke
And then promptly croak
Becoming his very own stuffing.
1681
I'm sorely in need of a drink
As I teeter close to the brink.
The more I look down
The greater my frown.
How did I end up here in the clink?
1682
A leprechaun moved to Australia
With a load of paraphernalia
No pommies in sight,
He said, "Well, awright!
I better sit down and email yer!"
1683
A writer who spent hours translating
A Russian tale about bear baiting
Was suddenly flummoxed
And totally out foxed
Requiring some defenestrating.
1684
I'm thinking of having some lunch
Something light to nibble and munch
Some veggies or salad
Linguine and shallots
And juicy black grapes by the bunch.
1685
But now I shall open some wine
Just to get me through the next line
The sound of a cork
Unnh, it takes some torque
Oooh, the words are flowing just fine.
1686
A misting Spring rain is falling
The ducks and the geese are calling
Thoughts float to Brazil
Ants crawl up a hill
Woof, sometimes you are appalling.
1687
Dick Cheney passed out at the pump
Someone asked, "What is this lump?"
"He's just full of gas,
and a cold-blodded ass,
And that man he shot? He's in the dump."
1688
At midnight on midsummer's eve
Sacred magick the witches still weave.
With cauldron and flame,
The spirits reclaim
They have a quick shindig then leave.
1689
They say he’s not right in the head
And he keeps a live python in bed
A Jeopardy! fan
and is seeking a ban
on seagulls not being fed.
1690
A gardener tore down a skyscraper
Did it as a April Fool's caper
No Superman, he
He's as weak as a flea
But keen to join up with his maker.
1691
My muse has gone off in a huff
How rude and offensive and gruff!
I'm left in the lurch
Well off my perch
And with no drafts not even rough.
1692
My villain decided to come clean
"I'm meek. I drink Ovaltine.
I no longer torture,
or burn or scorch or
do anything remotely obscene."
1693
My poodle has lost all his hair,
And with the ladies his debonaire flair.
They turn up their noses
And pee on the roses
A dog's job, oh jeez, I swear!
1694
There once was a hairless, nude poodle
that ate for its lunch one long noodle
it curled over his nose
then down to its toes
For dessert she had a strudel.
1695
Gas prices just keep on rising
A hassle I can't help despising.
The trouble with oil
Just makes me recoil.
My vehicle I'll be downsizing.
1696
Oneblindmouse said to Nymtoc one day
"Where did you learn to write that grand way"?
He replied, "It's as naught,
I just do what I ought,
And say what my muse tells me to say."
1697
Autodidact and Talkwrite decided
That Nymtoc and Mouse were misguided,
"You think that's good prose?"
"Quien Sabe? Who knows?"
Don roc'd as the others confided.
1698
The liberties some posters take
Truly blissful my day they make
And those who like lurking,
Who get off on smirking,
Do definitely take the cake.
1699
My article just isn't growing
And I'm not exactly crowing
makes me pull out my hair
and burn my underwear
My God! My privates are showing!
1700
My fifth draft sucks worse than the fourth
I shall give up all writing henceforth
But just one more line
But first one more wine
So ends Equator of the North
1701
Norman was a writer by trade,
prose was the product he made.
He spun a fine tale
When watered with ale
But failed when he drank lemonade.
1702
An urge to pass gas while he danced
invaded the Comte de Gran's pants
He squeezed his buns tightly
And broke wind politely
While sly Madame Pompadour glanced.
1703
When Ahab caught sight of his nemesis,
He did not react with an emesis.
But, missing his leg,
slipped on a gull's egg,
Which is why that whole deckful of phlegm is his.
1704
There once was a damsel called Dora
Who memorized the entire Torah
She explored God's words,
Like other good nerds,
And ended up dancing the Hora.
1705
A writer was bloated on beer
Confusing ale with good cheer,
he needed to pee
But the john was not free,
Which explains the wet spot you see here.
1706
On a faraway planet called Mongo
A musical boy played his bongo
He used all six hands,
To play in his pants
While wondering, Just how does this song go?
1707
A barkeep was asked for advice
quoth he, 'If you can't say anything nice...
Then keep your trap shut
And do not talk smut
But you may play with me poker dice.
1708
A poodle named Fifi La Rue
Was bored and had nothing to chew
Silk rugs she found bland,
Kibbles were the wrong brand
But Ferragamo had the best shoe.
1709
A sinister Siamese cat
spied an innocent rat
The cat showed her fangs
The rat called his gangs
Voilà! the West Side Story spat
1710
A penguin was determined to fly.
He said, "No ground-bird am I!"
he called Southwest Air
And asked, "What's the fare?"
No frills but it's as high as the sky.
1711
A genie got tired of wishes
And washing his Master's dishes.
He rubbed his own lamp
And got a leg cramp
With pain exceedingly vicious.
1712
A ribald old bawd from Bristol
Accidentally sat on her pistol
A discharge was heard
Her vision soon blurred
And she said, "Migawd, there goes my bustle!"
1713
A woolly old ram in a meadow
Who'd lived half his life in a ghetto
Said, "How can I sleep
When there's noisy sheep
Plus that wretched goat singing falsetto?"
1714
When Marjorie moved to Montana
She was joyous at leaving Fontana
She loved the fresh air
Except for the lair
Of the sinister Banana-fana.
1715
To make a successful martini
Never stir with a flaccid zucchini.
Instead, gently shake
Like that 007 rake
And serve casually, whistling Puccini.
1716
When Wellington challenged old Nappy
It made the Prussians quite happy.
He charged with his horses
And superior forces,
While Nap's plan was totally crappy.
1717
From Podunk to Paris to Prague
A Countess toured with her frog.
It sang Papageno
In Vegas and Reno
and toasted her with some hot grog.
1718
When crafting a limerick it's best
To refrain from thought, you know, lest
You put a great strain
On your poor li'l pea brain,
And end up the butt of the jest.
1719
If ever a person had problems
It was Bob, who kept gobbling corn coblems
That grew so darned big
He soon looked like a pig
Then exploded in thousands of bloblems.
1720
"Show me the money," said Jerry.
"Oh no, show me yours first;" said Harry.
Jerry showed him his wad
Quoth Harry "Oh my GAWD!
If you were a woman, we'd marry!"
1721
There was this young novelist, Lester,
Every agent he found, he would pester.
But writing in blood
Exhausted the stud
Who also worked as the king's jester.
1722
A bandit who feared for his life
Decided to find him a wife.
So he rode into town
With a see-through gown,
Which caused him a good deal of strife.
1723a
A bandit who feared for his life
Decided to find him a wife.
So he rode into town
With a see-through gown
And the girls called his member a fife.
1723
A jester told a tale in bad taste
That caused him to leave in great haste.
The Queen was outraged,
For she'd been upstaged.
Another good joke gone to waste.
1724
The flowers that bloom in the Spring
cause dreams that are tantalizing,
It's best if you smoke them,
Inhaling each harsh stem,
But best take the seeds out and fling.
1725
The flowers that bloom in the Spring
cause dreams that are tantalizing,
It's best if you smoke them,
Inhaling each harsh stem [not a rhyme]
because when you toke them,[not an original rhyme, unlike the previous line]
The words that don't rhyme you just sing.
1726
Abe Lincoln once ran out of words
So he started to tweet like the birds
Cats gathered around
And Honest Abe found
He did best if he flatted his thirds.
1727
A cabbage makes quite a good soup
And rarely does one in our group
Not empty his bowl;
But alas, one poor soul
Thinks cabbage tastes something like poop.
1728
A swan who was scared to go swimming
Looked out at a lake that was brimming
With turtles and snakes.
Said her brother, "They're fakes!"
"What's more, each one is a lemming."
1729
There once was a pirate from France
Who longed to succeed in la danse.
So he bought a tutu
And dressed up all fru-fru
And won first prize as best nance.
1730
A Viking who lacked the talent to navigate
nor rocking ships could he tolerate.
When he went a-viking,
He wished he were hiking
Where he could just sit and meditate.
1731
A Buddhist monk went on Survivor
That he'd win I bet a fiver,
He didn't eat much
And only spoke Dutch
But clever as Angus MacGyver.
1732
A tourist got lost in New York;
He felt like a virtual dork.
Wound up at the Met
Saw two friends from Tibet
Who told him, "Just follow that stork."
1733
A glamorous gal from St. Paul
Decided to see Montreal.
She brought her boyfriend
Whose came from South Bend
And, together, they both had a ball
1734
A cute little man in the city
Thought I was quite charming and witty
He took me to dine
But he fed me a line
And now he sings with Conway Twitty
1735
Puerto Rico asked to secede
We sent them a fax of their deed
But Geraldo Rivera
said, "There's been an erra,
my notes say you're already freed."
1736
King Kong stubbed his toe on a tree,
His mother said, "Aw, let him be."
"Don't pamper that wimp.
He's faking a limp.
If he really got hurt, he'd tell me."
1737
Ten men sat in a dugout canoe
- a depraved and notorious crew
Their manners were crude
And their cox downright rude
And their swain was somewhat askew.
1738
A woman without any shame
Found considerable internet fame
She posted her pics
Of her lewd party tricks
But today's lurkers found them quite tame.
1739
Bill Gates started a garden
Where Roses and Lilies did harden
Where Lilacs grew limp
And code-hacking chimp
At Shawshank made wealthy the warden.
1740
A witty wizard from Westminster
Was casting a spell when he sensed her
It was the Wendy the Witch
a-scratchin' an itch
And cackling in a voice quite sinister.
1741
A man who was traveling through time
said, "This journey is simply sublime!
I've kissed Cleopatra
And sung with Sinatra
And watched Shakespeare writing a rhyme!"
1742
A woman turned into a flea
And feasted on Griffith's Aunt Bea
The flea then ate Opie,
And Andy got mopy
And Barney said, "What about me?"
1743
A woman danced in the rain
And freed each thought in her brain
But her mind was all wet,
She became a coquette
And turned to hooking in Spain.
1744
A man who was wealthy as sin
Got plastered on tonic and gin
He staggered toward home
His mouth covered in foam
And fell in his own rubbish-bin.
1745
Just when Nerdly's work day had ended
And all that was right was defended,
The boss came along
in a leopard-print thong
Which was torn and left unmended.
1746
The boss who pranced without shame
Said all that he wanted was fame
Not a promotion
Or calamine lotion
He's unheard of, and ain't that a shame.
1747
In the valley a big storm was raging
About whose smile was most engaging.
My ear to ear grin
Snapped my facelift pin
And added ten years to my aging.
1748
A nasty old man with a grievance
Known for his raves and his loud rants
At last found his match
She liked to moan and scratch
Thus becoming more than a casual dalliance.
1749
A capo named Shells Leonardi
Was hosting a Sicilian style party.
He served caponata
And sang La Traviata
And bathed in gallons of Bacardi.
1750
A talented young maiden called Maeve
Spent an Irish Shavuot with Dave.
He corrected her spelling
As her eyes were welling
And lost the job as her love-slave.
1751
If one million monkeys typed all day
How many peanuts would you pay?
One nut per ape
Two for their mate
And three for their friends who are gay.
1752
A dog who barked up the wrong tree
was photographed, making history
He became famous overnight
for his bark, not his bite
The dog's bark or that of the tree?
1753
A rising Republican politician
Was caught in the midst of coition
In a DC hotel
Covered in just Rotel
In a compromising position.
1754
A woman who smashed a glass ceiling
Claimed houses of glass are appealing
Except when you're nude,
Engaged to a prude,
And all of the neighbors are squealing!
1755
On the last day before he got sacked
An employee was tortured and racked
By various bosses
On donkeys and hosses
All of them sadistic and cracked.
1756
A duck who lost all his feathers
And a cow who knew about leathers
Were sold at the fair.
Though they went as a pair
By two lady farmers--both Heathers
1757
A lemon, a dog, and a villain
Were seen by a witch who was willin'
To make lemonade
but the brew that they made
was really not worthy of swillin'.
1758
Who will win the upcoming election?
It's not a difficult selection
An old plan man, or
"Yes We Can!" man
who will lead us in the right direction.
1758a
Who will win the upcoming election?
It's not a difficult selection
An old plan man, or
"Yes We Can!"
The same old crap or a new direction.
1759
This morning while reading the news
I found nothing that I could use
All war and misery
Lies,greed and bigotry
So I went back to bed for a snooze.
1760
While waltzing I stepped on his toe,
He said, "Dear, that's not comme il faut."
In rage, I replied,
"Well then step aside,
for your waltzing is clumsy and slow”
1761
‘Don’t fondle the servants’ she said
They could end up in your bed
If you need to cuddle
Don't leave a puddle
Or I’ll whack you and leave you for dead
1762
A bright and ambitious Walloon
Was to phlegmish to play the bassoon (great pun, no?)
A frog in his throat
As he spützens each note
Moved him to switch to play the spoons
1763
Once, a gay man from New Orleans
Put a terrible strain on the zip of his jeans.
It attracted attention
At a Baptist convention
Where ten ministers choked on their beans
1764
A brat with a water balloon
Took aim not a moment too soon
Ten stories below
strolled a girl and her beau
And a watered down vampire raccoon
1765
Chimpanzees don't frequent this park,
Because it's patrolled after dark
And those Monkey Squad Boys
Will confiscate toys
Like the two Noah threw from the ark
1766
A shyster escaped from a ship
With a seriously injured hip
He dove in high seas
Fed a dolphin some cheese
And kissed a man eating shark on the lip
1767
A woman with too many shoes
Her dilemma was, which pair to choose
So few she had worn
That a problem was born --
The ‘I’ve Bought Too Many Shoes’ Blues
1768
Two dandies, a fop and a rake
Attempted to hide in a cake.
The frosting was sweet
All round a fab treat
And the bawd inside they did make.
1769
King Arthur cried out, "Where is Guinevere?"
Screamed the maid, "Putting on her brassiere!"
In came Sir Lancelot
He thinks, "My pant's they'll spot"
So he yells "Is Galahad still here?"
1770
A rendezvous planned by a farmer
Turned into a dreadful alarmer
His pig and his mule
both dressed in pink tulle--
Looks a lot like hot pink only warmer.
1771
Two doctors who loved the same nurse
Had words that were both short and terse [adjusting for meter]
But she knew the score
And chose to ignore
Their words which sounded adverse
1772
A limerick locked in mid-limerick
Keeps Tracy at bay like a dimmer Dick.
But our Autodidact
was a little bit cracked
And it spun until it made them feel sick!
1773
A little old lady from York
found a grey pubic hair on her fork
She dropped it and screamed
as her elderly waiter beamed
And said, "It don't scan, but it works."
1774
A shy hippopotamus from Khartoum
undressed in the dark in my room.
Her hips were so wide
That I needed a guide
But her lips were like flowers in bloom
1775
A writer was new to a forum
and desperate not to bore 'em
with vivid sexual scenes
and lots of vented spleens
cuz all the good writers deplore'em.
1776
There once was a writer with block
Who considered using his Glock
But instead used his pen,
Wrote a sonnet and then
Realized it was thirteen o'clock!
1777
A merry young lass on a bicycle
Had an accident while sucking a popsicle
Are you hurt asked a friend
After she tumbled end-to-end
"No," she replied, "but the stick tickles."
1778
If your limerick refuses to scan at all
And it doesn't quite rhyme either,
You might be a poet
Though Meter and Rhyme Might not Show It,
And your agent and publisher never call neither.
1779
Whatever became of those writers
Who binged on wild all-nighters?
Well, they post on this forum
So please don’t ignore ‘em
As they're mean nasty horrible biters.
1780
To touch her lips was the kiss of death
Unless you avoided her sulphuric breath
If her allure traps you
when her finger taps you,
It's worse than any trip you've taken on meth.
1781
When Bart Simpson faced Doyle Brunson in Texas hold'em
The tension was so hot it was molten
Bart needed one card
But Luck's heart was hard
So he smiled with rotting teeth and forced bart to fold'em.
1782
Woof went on America's Top Dog
His mind keen and clear as the fog
He snarled on cue
Then made a large poo
And alleycat said, "What a hog!"
1783
Hickory, dickory, oneblindmouse
There’s a repossession order onmyhouse.
I'm flat broke and clueless
And starving and shoeless
Oh wait, there's ten bucks inmyblouse
1784
A vivid and terrible scene
confronted the haggard old queen:
the corgis lay dead
next to the king's head
And she screamed louder than Howard Dean.
1785
A Senator known for his earmarks
Was linked to unsavory loan sharks
His own coffers full
he was known for his bull,
"Til he was busted by a team 0f DEA narcs.
1786
Obama said, I will bring change."
From hopefuls that phrase isn't strange
But changing takes guts
No ifs, ands, or buts,
so maybe he'll just rearrange.
1787
We can't wait until the election
There's too much misdirection.
The candidates all
with astonishing gall
Lay claim to unbounded perfection.
1788
There once was a duck known as Daffy
Who had a fondness for pink taffy
And said Bugs is "despicable"
But Pluto is lickable
If I had a whole tongue or a halfie.
1789
I dreamed of a storm out at sea
With huge waves from windward and lee
"Hang ten!" I said
to ghosts of sailors dead
And with Johnny Depp had some orange tea.
1790
A piddling pooch from Peoria
was last seen on the Andrea Doria
He squatted on the poop deck
And a dolphin said "Oh heck!
Don’t piddle or poop I implore o’ ye.”
1791
Don’t fondle those fondants’ she said,
"or I'll pop you once on yer head "
"then I'll gouge out yer eyes
And cut that thing between yer thighs
Aye! I'll make you wish you were dead.
1792
The High Court said yes to bear arms.
But said nothing about saving farms
Or keeping jobs here
And pot versus beer
Or Lafayette yelling, "Gendarmes!"
1793
A crabby old crook cried "Police
- you are ill-bred, corrupt and obese!"
But when his home was robbed
He broke down and sobbed,
"When will dishonesty cease?"
1794
A manuscript sat on a shelf,
written by an anti Ghibelline Guelf,
It favored the Pope
But the HRE said nope
So the Guelf flagellated himself.
1795
Alone on an uncharted isle
A fellow was tempted to smile
‘I may be quite loco but…’
There's a face on that Coconut
Which looks just like old uncle Lyle!'
1796
When sorting through files of old papers
Aunt Pittypat swooned from the vapors
In her hand was a photo
Of her grand dad's De Soto
"I love how the front fender tapers."
1797
Bill was in love with his Buick
And dumped actress Barbara Ruick.
His steering wheel
Was tarnished steel
So rusty it made him feel too sick.
1798
Jack thought his charisma was awesome
when he lured three chicks to a foursome
But he lacked the stamina
So the girls flounced out slammin’ a….
Young stud who said he'd adore some.
1799
That Limerick was really bad,
and yet the only one we had
We can do better
Just stick to the letter
Yet this one is pretty poor, also.
1800
"Oh no Mr Perkins," she said
As he pushed her onto the bed.
"I don't really know you
And you're married too
Now I see where my c**k teasing led.’
1801
Why Maisie, you’re terribly rude'
When you appear all in the nude
But off came your clothes
So the book, the judge throws
"With no clothes, by the law, you're judged lewd."
1802
In summer, the garden is green,
In winter no color is seen,
Autumn, leaves fall,
Spring's best of all;
When Life is the fair reigning queen.
1803
If ever there was a disaster
Consider a house made of plaster
A wind comes along
and blew it to Hong Kong
It's a free trip and you'll get there faster.
1804
The Japanese love their TV
Confusing us with origami.
A huge paper moth
(Or perhaps it was Thoth)
Was unclear unless viewed in HD.
1805
Jim played a red Telecaster
With his pick moving faster and faster
His eyes were squinted
As talent was hinted
But his chording was total disaster.
1806
A sly old gal on her vacation
Filmed her own animation
She streamed it online
Pixel called on time
Now it's the latest blockbuster sensation.
1807
Two women were at the hairdresser
One dame called the other a fresser
And by way of reply
She did not deny
That men always tried to undress her.
1808
A man who was coarse and uncouth
Offended a woman named Ruth
He drooled down her blouse
And made fun of her spouse
Who then knocked him all the way back to Duluth.
1809
A clown wore frightening makeup
For a new kind of job that [he takes] up
He sits in a chair
All alone he sits there
In fear that his grease paint might break up
1810
And now for some words quite absurd
THIS limerick is about a bird
It sits in a tree
There, down by the sea
And hourly drops down a turd.
1811
This morning I dreamed of a cow
I saw it in bed with a sow
Then a goat jumped in
With a Dionysian grin
So I left the room with a bow
1812
Last night I dreamed of an island
Neither Greenland, New Zealand, nor Saipan
It was misty and green
And rather serene
'Til students on spring break became all gland.
1813
A KGB agent named Putin
Became sorta' high fallutin'
He polished his shoes
And began to peruse
When eight black-masked men came in shootin'
1814
Beneath a broad tree lay a dragon
Drinking a brew from a flagon
Until he got shikker
On that horrible likker
And now his skin is saggin'
1815
A woman answered a call
At an escort service in St. Paul
It was a lewd request
Which she met with great zest
And serviced the team each one and all.
1816
A galloping Gael from Killarny
Was just so full of the blarney
he choked on his Guinness
Not minding his bui'ness
And now he's as purple as Barney.
1817
I'm thinking of having a drinky
With a femme fatale quite slinky
If our ink's not dry
I'll sip on some rye
While she smudges the ink with her pinky.
1818
I married a honey-glazed ham
Realised that it was a scam
I took it quite hard
Then squeezed out the lard
The remainder, I packaged as SPAMTM
1819
If people were not so impatient
They'd hand all their work to an agent
Hiring a PA
Just might make your day
And get you in print with less agin'
1820
In a fantasy kingdom one day
A little fairy did say
In all my back story
There is lots of glory
And my humor is naturally fey.
1821
Roman matron Frigida Neurosa
Said to her slave: "come a bit closer"
"And place your hand
On my gland."
"And sing me the Lacrimosa."
1822
The queen held a garden party
But one of her guests was quite tarty
Attempting to curtsy
and being oh-so-flirtsy
She boomed like Felix Pappalardi
1823
I once met a clown on a jet
Who dared me to jump, on a bet
I tripped on his shoe
And he fell out too
And I wish that we hadn't have met.
1824
There once was a girl with a patch
Held to her face with a latch
If you caught her eye
And didn't say hi
She'd quickly give you one to match
1825
A stunning young lady named Ruth
Would frequently shake her caboose
Her heinie wagged free
Or, so sayeth me
Until her pants worked their way loose.
1826
A shiny newcomer to Moscow
Made note of all those that he would plow
But maidens divine
Only nuns on the line
Said, "No way, no when, no why, no how."
1827
If you're ever in Kalamazoo
And want to play a kazoo,
Go sit in the park
And chew on some bark
And if people object, tell them "Foo!"
1828
A mysterious dude from the Bronx
Lived on a diet of conchs
His skin was clammy
So he moved to Miami
And was forever filled with angst.
1829
A sailor who was crude and immoral
Wore cologne that was just slightly floral
When thrown in the brig
He soon danced a jig
With two sheep and a pig--quite pastoral
1830
When I found my dog's house aflame
At once I knew who was to blame
The cat was the culprit
Her smug face was guilt-writ
And she felt not a shred of shame.
1831
A bull that bought a china shop
Would often more than china drop
He freaked at Lalique
Then trashed his boutique
If thumbs he did have, he might stop
1832
A man with one leg tried to run
From an exceptionally horny nun
He tripped on his stump
And fell on his rump
She leaped and then had some fun.
1833
A man who was rather aloof
Was found fast asleep on his roof
A pigeon had pooped
Climbing up there he scooped
He swooped and was gone with a poof.
1834
Chickens don't make the best pillows
They're noisy and weigh several kilos
They litter their bupkas
With feathers, like chupkas
And smell like rank armadillos.
1835
A mouse and a rhino were wed
He wore a crown upon his head
And said, "Look I'm horny."
She replied, "Don't be corny!"
And off they went to bed.
1836
There once was a frog named Joe
Who fell in love with a doe.
He wined her and dined her
On snake and 'gator chowder
Then slipped a ring on her toe.
1837
An atheist praying mantis
Said, "This is how they all prayed on Atlantis.
And at mating time
Upside down he'd rhyme
"Hesitate; please, let's wait." Would she grant this?
1838
A celibate dude from Montana
Said, "Sex? I'd prefer a banana.
The flesh, I'd unpeel
Wouldn't moan, writhe or squeal
And then take a trip to Havana.
1839
This limerick attempt is so lame
I'd rather it bore not my name
These words are not mine
They send chills down my spine
And fill me with dread and with shame.
1840
This limerick attempt is way cool.
It proves that I'm nobody's fool.
I write with a flair
Daring any who share
to send me back to writing school.
1841
For those who think writing is easy
You'd do better playing parchesi
Each word is a challenge
Resistant as Stonehenge
And some of it downright sleazy.
1842
Give me librium or give me meth
Before I take my final breath
In leaves of grass
And arms of fair lass
Ah, t'would be easeful death.
1843
There once was a hell of a drummer
Who threw down his drumsticks one summer
He stormed to the store
To get ten pairs more
At KFC--what could be dumber?
1844
The Great Wall of China is longer
Than our southern border and stronger
Than Arnold Schwartzenegger
Moonshine in a keg or
That big gorilla King Kong or . . .
1845
He said, "Give me five" then he fainted
Not half the he-man he was painted
He really did care
Hated being thought square
But now his reputation is tainted.
1846
A flexible fiddler from Cork
Played with a good deal of torque.
A saw was his bow
It screeched like a crow,
But he was heard all the way to New York.
1847
How dare you insult me?" said Luke.
"So what if on you I did puke?
Your bilious green
Dress is really obscene,
While my offense was but a fluke.
1848
Too many words make a poor rhyme
(From top the bandwagon we chime!)
With syllables galore
And a syntax that's poor
We'll be put in jail for our crime
1849
There was a young waitress named Belle
Who served certain patrons too well
Her tips were immense
her smile, intense
Which caused their mm-mms to swell
1850
A jaded young patron of pubs
Said, "Why go to Subway for subs?"
Just make a sandwich
Of spinach and ham which
They serve in Mayberry's best clubs.
1851
"Young man, when you're my age," said Gramp
"You know life is one long boot camp"
"Did I volunteer?"
Said the young buccaneer.
"No" said Gramp, "but don't act like a scamp."
1852
When Sam Coleridge lacked a good rhyme
He said, "I'm for some down-time."
He'd stare into space
A blank look on his face
And loquacious as a street mime.
1853
A voluptuous vixen from Vichy
Was derided by some as too chichi
She put on airs
And demanded éclairs
And wore perfume that smelled feeshy.
1854
A man with a penchant for tarts
Was known far and wide 'round these parts.
His tastes were flaky
But never heart-breaky
And more generous than all the old farts.
1854a
A man with a penchant for tarts
Was known far and wide 'round these parts.
His tastes were flaky
But never heart-breaky
Except he left them all plenty of warts.
1855
Atop the old tower of Pisa
A lovely Italian named Lisa
Let down her long hair
Brushed it with great flair
And changed her name to Condaleeza
1856
An insolent Ibis from Karnak
Drove a diesel pickup with a gun rack
He encountered a frog
Sitting atop a huge hog
Like Cheney he gave them both flack
1857
Two Limericks were merged into one
Who's that other sunuvagun?
It's just too much work
I'd rather just lurk
While others attempt to have fun.
1858
Moe lives in a house made of candy
A confectioner, he is quite handy!
But he has a sweet tooth
And to tell you the truth
Moe is more than a little bit randy.
1859
A woman who lived on cheap gin
Swore that gin put a grin on her chin
She drank the full bottle,
Sang, "Hey, diddle dottle!"
Staggered out to the pool and fell in
1860
A perfectly mis'rable hermit
Refused to get a cave permit,
He scoffed at the law
Deep inside the maw
He decided to live here a bit.
1861
A fair maiden was once in peril
From a disgusting and amorous squirrel
He showed her his nuts
And said, "Babe, I love sluts.
Come to bed and let's give it a whirl!"
1862
I'm a writer of poetry and prose
But I write best without any clothes
In my cool private office
I channel Chekhov. His...
Dark, brooding style gets right up my nose.
1863
I was talking to Shakespeare last night
When a sound outside gave me a fright
"Who goest there?" I called
Said a ghost, "I'm appalled!"
And floated out of my sight.
1864
I once had boat at the pier
It was almost as big as my rear
I mean, like, gigantic
Leaking and antique
But amply provided with beer.
1865
One day in the life of a frog
All smelly and wet in a bog
He asked a fair princess
If she had any mint sauce
She did and shared his legs with a hog.
1866
A Viking appeared in the fens
He slew every monk in the glens
Then to Norway he sailed
Where a mermaid he hailed
Blew him off because of his wens.
1867
Let's redux the Farta from Sparta
Those old Greeks had no Magna Carta
They lived just for war
And not oil-offshore
Or the musical stylings of Sartre.
1868
Another day dawned on the prairie
And Debbie went down to the dairy
She bypassed Dallas,
Went straight to Corvallis
And slept with a dude who was hairy.
1869
A rooster who crowed at sunset
Was slopped with the hogs and got wet
He cried out, "Thou vile spawn!"
"Tough!" They said with a yawn.
"Swine like us give as good as we get."
1870
My Aunt Flo spent a week in the clink
She did not bathe and started to stink
It was all well planned
We knew she'd be canned
When she stole Lady Piffleworth's mink.
1871
This dude who was called Torquemada
Applied the jarra, the rack, and strappada.
Through auto-da-fe
From day to day
Screams were heard from Cadiz to Malaga.
1872
While Nero played his fiery fiddle
Poppaea kept tickling his middle
The Senate fumed
While Congress bloomed
But he stuck to his musical idyll.
1873
My future is not looking good’
Said the Sheriff who met Robin Hood
"The King is displeased
And Sir Guy is diseased."
"And my tights were lost in Sherwood"
1874
The Count of Monte Cristo plotted
Revenge that turned twisted and knotted
His victims unaware
Lacking savoir faire
Did suffer, though none got garotted.
1875
When Anna Karenina strayed
Lucky Count Vronsky got laid
But her husband swore
he'd married no whore
But of scandal he was afraid.
1876
The Musketeer known as D'Artagnan
Was the Musketeers' newest companion
His hair, worn in curls,
Drove wild all the girls
So he dined every day on filet mignon.
1877
Gad dang, said the old man, this bucket
Of bolts wouldn't run on pure luck. It
Sputtered and it spat
And frightened the cat
Who fled all the way to Nantucket.
1878
All students dislike Silas Marner
Because it's a bore and a yawner
They planned a revolt,
Yelled, "George Eliot's a dolt!"
And then, all the students were goners.
1879
Ode to my warm,egg/cheese Mcmuffin
When not fresh you begin to toughen
But zapped in the micro
Its taste drove me loco
Though I'd still prefer a McPuffin.
1880
The Corsican Brothers were weird
They were really but sisters with beards
If they'd ever shaved
The hair they'd have saved
Would have equaled a herd of sheep sheared.
1881
If the world has but seven great wonders
And the gods don't make blunders
But they do like to hoax
And love cosmic jokes
As they zap folks with lightnings and thunders.
1882
Raskolnikov's dangerous plan
Would create a guilt-ridden man
But he didn't know
That his sin would grow
Well, he should have fled to Kazan
1883
Now Grushenka was a hot babe
But she couldn't bed Alyosha, called "Abe"
He drank too much vodka
Then called her a nafka (whore in Yiddish)
And went back to his damned astrolabe.
1884
Elizabeth Bennet was smart
Well read, well bred, and no tart
She took Darcy's measure
And gave him no pleasure
Till he took control of her heart.
1885
Now, Heathcliff was brooding and grim.
I say, what could a girl see in him?
I say not a thing
Let them have their fling
And do whatever they want on a whim.
1886
The boy was thin and pale
And no typically robust Gael
The windy, cold winters
Turned his bagpipes to splinters
As he wandered o'er hill and dale.
1887
Miss Manners is full of advice
On matters exact and precise
Like what to say when
And how to date men
And how to be mean and seem nice
1888
A drum, a guitar, and a fiddle
Were crammed o'er my head to my middle
And then, with the bass
and much gas I must pass
It sounds nothing like "hey-diddle-diddle"!
1889
A walrus who ate too much salad
Said, "Oh, now you think I look pallid.
Just wait 'til you see"
A thin little me
like a malnourished Indian boy Khalid
1890
A Dong with a luminous nose
Met a Ding with webbed fingers and toes
But bells did not chime
And mimes did not mime
And scribbling does not count as prose.
1891
A man with a curious walk
Had a meeting with Peter Falk
A crime most foul
He wore a towel
And his victim was outlined in chalk.
1892
Messalina cuckolded Claudius
Of his four wives, she was the bawdiest
But 'tis said, when in Rome
And in Gibbons' great tome
Foolish empresses' ends are the shoddiest.
1893
Young Caligula ruled and went mad
As a hatter, and acted the cad
With his sister he dallied,
Fell ill, briefly rallied,
And was killed with surprise like his Dad.
1894
Old Vickie was none too amused
Sans Albert, her humor was bruised
Their love was eternal
She wrote in her journal
"O woes, wat a gud man i losed"
(and thus, blinded by tears as she was, ushered in a new era!)
1895
My bicycle has a flat tire
Which surely has raised my ire
The road it was long
From Seoul to Hong Kong
And with no patch my way remained dire
1896
Mammatus clouds scared all the locals
I thought it my chance to seem noble
"To the cellar," I cried
but everyone died
Still wearing their cracked bifocals.
1897
When Kerouac took to the road
The bourgeoisie he did goad
His style was gritty
running city to city
As he spawned a new narrative mode.
1898
When Ginsberg decided to howl
His critics declared him "most foul"
lamenting the machine
He motioned supreme
These lines are making me growl,
1899
The Prisoner of Zenda complained
"They can't even spell the book's name!"
donroc repented,
But Rassendyll consented [trying to get back to the plot]
While Hentzau the trrue king detained.
1900
He once crossed swords with Scaramouche
Moreau's hatred for him was farouche
With a clever riposte
Many swords are crossed
Till Moreau wounds the dude with a whoosh.
1901
Dr. Jekyll worked late in his lab
Extracting the bile from a crab
He mixed it with guano
And a bit of Romano
And washed it down with aged Cab.
1902
Danton, Marat, and de Sade
(All seen as decidedly odd)
put rum in their shoes
And then sang the Blues
In the form of a wistful ballade.
1903
When Poe's raven finally croaked
The poet depressedly toked
He buried the bird,
Nevermore to be heard,
Then wrote about pendulums, stoked!
1904
Erroneous answers are banned
Untruths break the laws of our land
Tongues sporting a fork
Have much wine uncorked
But are soon dismissed out of hand
1905
Blue aliens dance in my yard
Along with a tap dancing bard
As Borogroves mimsey
And toves, looking flimsy,
Wallowing in buckets of lard.
1906
"The game is afoot," said S. Holmes
"The woman has filched metronomes"
"Now her mindless toe tapping
"Has Scotland Yard napping
And Watson updating the tomes
1907
Zarathushtra when he spoke
Was a very wise-sounding bloke
But it took Mr. Nietzsche,
Whose writing could reach ya,
To keep it from reading like hoke.
1908
If a cat kept a writer contented
Not the standard – a writer demented
Acting as her Familiar
Few things are much sillier
Than meowing that's heavily accented.
1909
A canine who wrote only dogma
Said, "I'm far more astute than a frog, Ma."
"I have read Descartes
And know Hamlet by heart
While singing Carl Orff accapella.
1910
The stuff dreams are made of can kill
Just ask Mr. Spade, if you will
That Maltese Falcon
Had several fools stalkin'
And many thugs shooting with skill.
1911
On arriving in Shangri-La
A curious chap said, "Aha!"
"Is that Kublai Khan?"
"No, in Xanadu, man."
"Do people get older here?" "Nah."
1912
When Christie invented Poirot
Miss Marple said, "Cool, he's my bro'.
But his weird mustache
Has too much panache.
I suspect that its color is faux."
1913
Captain Nemo developed a craft
That he used on more than a raft
It stayed under water,
A sub-sea globetrotter,
where he took all his sailors abaft.
1914
‘Hang on to me bulwarks’ he cried
When a great giant squid he espied
"It was out of his league,"
Said First Mate MacTeague,
"But it was one helluva ride."
1915
The incredibly shrinking man
Was alarmed when he shrank smaller than
His wife's pinky
Now do you think he
Would puff up and say, "Yes I can"?
1916
"Let's go to the lighthouse," said Ginny
"And I'll also invite Laura Linney.
Mrs. Dalloway, too,
She'll bring Fu Man Chu
And the hitman we call Vinny."
1917
Ming the Merciless leered at Dale.
"Flash can't save you. He's destined to fail!
So you will be mine
Sure as frog-hair is fine,
Earth is weak! Mongo's might will prevail!"
1918
Blanche DuBois took a ride on a trolley
To quench desire but met with folly
named Stanley Kowalski.
The desolate doll's key
To happiness turned melancholy.
1919
Before sleeping,Nymtoc, post a line!
To start a Limerick, oh so fine.
And be literary
Stop being contrary
The words you type will be divine.
1920
Here's something really 'off the wall':
A piece of sheet rock not too small
Fell smack on my head
While I read Sartre in bed,
Thinking Simone de Beavoir might call.
1921
"Let's go and raise rabbits," said Lenny
But George was listening to Jack Benny
While Curley's young wife
Was playing the fife
And Steinbeck earned quite a pretty penny.
1922
Nick Adams encountered two killers
The comics Jack Black and Ben Stiller.
They had him in stitches
With new movie pitches
And a brand new play by Arthur Miller
1923
Antigone seemed very worried
King Creon was pissed, so she hurried
Along with Ismene,
Who wore a pink beanie,
For the elders whose favor was curried.
1924
Old Nostradamus had a vision
Which he wrote, but not with precision
One century at time
In quatrains, with rhyme,
Glimpsing TV in high definition.
1925
Mary Shelley once had a nightmare
And wrote it, with plenty of fright there
A monster was built
Victor F. felt no guilt
For the villagers he might scare.
1926
When Beethoven lost his hearing
He began wearing one earring
While Für Elise he composed
His earring got hosed
But his Ninth left the audience cheering.
1927
Mozart was precocious, they say,
Played with many a lass in his day.
His feet were small,
But his pizzle enthralled
And he wore a most splendid toupée.
1928
When Bach was young and baroque
He was known as a mischievous bloke
He trilled with his organ
And sang, "Guten Morgen!"
Oh, famous was he, it's no joke!
1929
Pretend you could dance on a pin
And invite some friends to join in
They better be angels
Who jig like Bojangles,
So tap-dancing fun can begin.
1930
My pelican won't eat a thing
Unless he is served like a king
Each fork and each spoon
every morsel well chewn,
"You," he says, "Bring my meals when I ring."
1931
Camille doesn't look very well
After her incredibly long coughing spell.
Armand brought her flowers
But she hacked for six hours.
Will she live? Only Dumas can tell.
1932
Mr. Faust made a deal with the Devil
Then satyrs and nymphs they did revel
All over the town
Shades were drawn down
But do Devils make deals on the level?
1933
"I hate this doll's house," grumbled Nora
Very closed in was this little senora
But for the plot's sake
She took up her rake
And hit the town wearing her fedora.
1934
Driven with purpose to settle her plot,
She'd been working a helluva lot
She reached for a drink
Three pills: plink, plink, plink
And that was as good as it got.
1935
Paul Bunyan was taller than most
In a few strides he walked coast to coast
His feet were flat
He had not an ounce of fat
But he had a blue ox to roast.
1936
When Popeye ate all his spinach
From can to air he would pitch it
He'd knock out old Bluto
Danced like Menudo
This rhyme should go straight to the clinics.
1937
Nijinsky could dance like a faun
And make love like a Don Juan
Which just goes to show
That a Russian, you know,
Is good for a night on the town.
1938
When in Brussels, we danced like the Belgians
Or stood still like the Marbles from Elgins
Or else, when we chose,
A most erotic pose,
Since those Belgians are perfectly swell gens.
1939
Genghis Khan knew a lot about war
But he couldn't remember what for.
So he scratched his head
And then went to bed
While his teddy bear sat on the floor.
1940
Sleeping Beauty lay down for a snooze
After drinking a bit too much booze
She dreamed of short guys
With muscular thighs
Who knew how to light Beauty's fuse.
1941
The Sugarplum Fairy felt crappy
Which made the Rat King rather happy
But times do change
If you dance like Red Grange,
Though the Nutcracker's always quite sappy.
1942
Poor Odette got turned into a swan
And the ballet really made her yawn
Besides, the cold water
A sailor had shot her
And her mate ran off with a fawn.
1943
Miss Havisham sat by the fire,
Bitter, since every man was a liar,
Her cake, old and rotted,
Grew stale as she plotted
To tie them all up in barbed wire!
1944
Old crusty, reclusive McGuire
Counted his gold coins by the fire
He put them away
Then started to pray
Until a thief strangled him with a wire.
1945
Sam Spade asked Effie, "Where's Miles?"
Effie said, "Let me check in the files.
There's a woman named Bridget,
That doll made Miles fidget
And he fell for her wiles and her guiles.
1946
Caspar Gutman and Joel Cairo
Sought the bird. Neither one was a tyro
It's the stuff dreams are made of
And thieves are afraid of
Which Sam Spade explained well in his bio.
1947
Talleyrand arranged a swift coup,
And Napoleon said, "Merci beaucoup"
But it all went awry
When he aimed way too high
And took bribes from the Austrians, too.
1948
When the Beatles dispensed with Pete Best
Ringo Starr drummed in with great zest
Then John, George and Paul
Geared up for the long haul
And for that I would say we were blessed.
1949
A ghoulish old chap was Bram Stoker!
We know about his love for Poker.
He also loved liquor.
If not for his ticker
He might have become a stock broker!
1950
Gwendoline Madeline Potts
For whom one old man had the hots
He lifted her skirt
She ripped off his shirt
And gawked at his unsightly spots.
1951
A man who had fondled a goat
Was silenced by a frog in his throat
The frog then spoke
Produced a loud croak
Heard from Santa Fe to Roanoke
1952
A speech writer penned words eternal
For Lord Satan with phrases infernal
He wrote it so well
He got out of hell
and shacked up with a cross-dressing Colonel.
1953
I fell down a very deep hole
Without my very own soul.
I bought one on line;
It got here on time.
Wow -- life can be downloaded whole!
1954
The amount of bad fiction in forums
would strain the largest of quorums
Too much tell and no show
Too much prose that's de trop
And the was and as hordes -- we deplore 'em.
1955
An avatar is a wee picture
With sound that bears no Richter
They give a little smile
but, all the while
Obey the site's size stricture.
1956
If lolcats voted Republican
And dressed up like a pelican
They'd look like birds
And a little like nerds
As unwed teens claim "Because I can"
1957
A weatherman faced Gustav's fury
And said, "It's the storm of the century."
He fell over
a four-leaf clover
He’d spent far too much time in the brewery
1958
Don’t try to stop me I’m going
Far away first class in a Boeing
I'll take a good book
About Captain Hook
Where the Lost Boys evade him by rowing.
1959
The day Sadie Thompson said, "Hi!"
Several Dogpatch men wished they would die.
The race would soon start
And each man did his part
Until a severe RAIN(hint regarding first line) came bye the bye. Sadie hawkins?????
1960
Moonbeam McSwine was a babe
In the eyes of a farmer called Abe
Until she pigged out
and twisted Salome's snout
But Daisy Mae knew how to behave.
["abe" rhymes are few and far between. ]
1961
Joe Btfsplk had terrible luck
His Internet came all unstuck
He called the Geek Squad
Who found him quite odd
A schlemiel, schmendrick, and a schmuck.
1962
Sarah Palin field-skinned a moose,
"I'm a hockey mom" was her excuse
"I give my kids names
For hunting type games
Tis a shame now that they're all on the loose.
1963
There once was a man from the coast,
Of California where he would boast
Of his world-famous wines
While ignoring French whines
He would offer an uncultured toast.
1963a
There once was a man from the coast,
Who had an unusual boast;
He claimed he had wings
Among other things
Which made him a notable host.
1964
There was a young lady from Kerry
Who took a long ride on a ferry
With three Irish rogues
Who wore green Irish brogues
It was more fun than watching the telly!
1965
Young Phil was a man of bad habits
He ran around chasing white rabbits
When he caught one he
Would giggle with glee
Which shocked the conservative Babbitts.
1966
When Coriolanus got banished
The plebeians asked "Why has he vanished?"
"I want Rome to fall,"
Which cast a great pall
Until he was finally out-mannished.
1967
Elmer Gantry said, "Come and be saved!"
Between bottles of booze he had craved.
As he plucked out a cork,
He said "What a dork!
Unashamed of the way he behaved.
1968
Lady Brett never turned down a drink
In Pamplona she caused a great stink
But one day by the pool
She broke her own rule
To not give a hoot what we think.
1969
My daughter just left on a bus
I think she craved more of a fuss
Big city lights
And partying nights
And high-decibel rock were a plus.
1970
How come Mick can't get no satisfaction?
He just sings it to get crowd reaction.
His CDs go gold
And his crew grows old
But they're still a stellar attraction.
1971
"A smile and a shoeshine," said Willy,
"Makes up for no sales in old Philly."
His sons Biff and Happy
Said his life was crappy.
His ending was tragic and chilly.
1972
Aristophanes wrote about frogs
And George Orwell wrote about hogs
E.B. White's little mouse
Was the pride of the house
but Disney drew large spotty dogs
1973
The wicked Cruella de Ville
Always went in for the kill
But some clever Dalmatians
Helped by two big Alsatians
Brought her calculations to nil.
1974
Pinocchio had one desire
His heart and his loins were afire.
"I'm not a mere toy
I should be a real boy,
And my nose? Well, that's 'cause I'm a liar."
1975
"Seven roommates? Oh,dear!" said Snow White.
"I do hope they don't stay up all night.
That snoring and sneezing
And grumping while wheezing
Is gross. But that apple's so bright!"
1976
Bambi's mom met a man and got shot
She was left in the forest to rot.
Then came Thumper and Flower
to that blood-spattered bower
And boy! What a feast they have got!
1977
I saw Obama's wife on Ellen dancing
Surprised at the moves she was chancing.
That won't change my vote
And since I don't emote,
My oinions will not be enhancing.
1978
If I hear one more political rhyme
I'll commit an unspeakable crime
I’ll dip my wick in the gravy
Then maybe - just MAYBE
I'll get away with it this time.
1979
If everyone posted a chapter
and we all perhaps tried to adapt a
clear style and voice
through intelligent choice
we could finish up writing a book together, but fall out over artistic differences, argue over royalties, then it would all end rather messily in the law courts and definitely not happy ever…
after.
Okayyy
1980
"I’m sore," said the schoolmistress sadly
The morning had started quite badly
With coffee a-spillin'
She was almost unwillin'
But soon came to frolic quite madly.
1981
A man with his arm in a sling
said ‘Hello – I’m Emperor Ming
And you must be Flash
If that Dale is your pash
Do you know "Auld Lang Syne?" Let's all sing.'
1982
When Buck Rogers set foot on Mars
He met a green creature called Lars,
A pet of John Carter
A poet and auteur
Who'd lost his way hopping 'tween stars.
1983
When the congressman said to the bun
Of his best looking intern, "What fun."
She responded in style
With a beguiling smile,
"Come closer, you son of a gun!"
1984
A grocer with very large ears
Bought twenty six crates of mixed beers,
A large tin of ham
And some strawberry jam
Which he gave to his saucy cashiers.
1985
When Melville was starting his book
He had Ishmael sharpening a hook
Then Queequeg appeared
And he asked, "Who has steered?"
Melville answered: "Just go take a look!"
1986
Last Wednesday, when reading some Keats
My sister tripped over two seats
She flopped on her belly
And began to read Shelley
While admiring Frankenstein's feats.
1987
e.e.cummings had problems with caps,
and when he wrote them took long naps
in a pretty how town
he dressed in a gown
And with the goat-footed balloon man ran laps.
1988
The last of the Mohicans was sad
that the palefaces were all so bad
Cora's death was a shame
for which I'm not to blame
So let's celebrate in Trinidad.
1989
There once was an octopus cousin
Who had not eight arms but a dozen
He was at Bikini
Where some bomb blasts--not teeny--
Left most of his relatives buzzin'
1990
When Willie padlocked his gym locker
to conceal a halloween shocker
Denise came along
With a red velvet thong
- a gift from a grateful Joe Cocker.
1991
'Could you give me a hand with this moose?
In Alaska the moose are profuse.'
"You field-skin 'em this way."
'Can I sell that on Ebay?'
‘Aye - it can hang on the wall of ye hoose.’
1991a
'Could you give me a hand with this moose?
In Alaska the moose are profuse.'
"You field-skin 'em this way."
'Can I sell that on Ebay?'
"It's perfect to adorn my caboose!"
1992
It's getting right down to the wire
That has everybody on fire
Whether plain or with cheese,
What’s wrong with MY LINE please?????
It sucks. Can't you write something slyer?
1993
There once were three men in a tub
In a specialised men only club
Said the first to the second
"It's worse than I reckoned
Now who'll give my feet a good rub?
1994
An itinerent, name of John Casey,
Ate a mushroom and got really spacey
He ripped off his clothes
And licked all his toes
Then chased girls at the local J.C.
1995
Andre, the amorous aardvark
Couldn't travel too far in the dark
He extended his tongue
And located the bung
Of a wine cask of Pinot de Marque
1996
An accountant looked down and he sighed
That God damned spam email had lied
Instead of five million
Or seventeen trillion,
He got an amusement park ride.
1997
Lost love is the saddest of all
when it ends in an eye-gouging brawl
But the saddest bit yet
Is she left with my pet
And my beautiful blue bowling ball.
1998
Felicia went fishing one day
With a babe who looked like Tina Fey
But then she found out
that no fish were about...
So they ended up playing croquet.
1999
A villain called Simon Legree
Ran for Congress in Missouri
Out of respect or fear
And promise of beer
He jumped into the Mississippi
2000
When Suzie the floozie comes callin'
The boys o'er their feet go fallin'
They vie for a chance
For a little romance
And the lonelies go crawlin' home bawlin'.
[... continued.]