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Thread: Compilations

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  1. #13
    practical experience, FTW
    Join Date
    Feb 2005

    The Great Limerick Thread Compilation -- Part 4 (Limericks 1411-2000)

    [... continued.]
    [Note, no changes to correct or adjust the completed limericks have been made here. They appear just as they do in their original form.]
    A nasty old lech from Zagreb
    never got valentines in Feb.
    He oft wondered why,
    'cos his earnings were high,
    but ladies still spurned the old neb.

    There was an eclipse of the moon
    Beneath which two lovers did swoon
    Alone in the dark,
    And both naked -stark,
    They enjoyed a concerto, bassoon.

    Once a writer sat at her computer,
    Checked the points supposed to repute her
    she counted, too low!
    The points do not show
    cuz she wouldn't tell Mouse she was cuter!

    Once a writer sat at her computer,
    Checked the points supposed to repute her
    she counted, too low!
    The points do not show
    Her joie-de-vivre, which did re-suffuse her

    A sneaky shop-keeper from Adelaide
    Mixed vodka and gin in his lemonade
    Chin, chin, all, said he
    Gosh, I gotta' pee
    Otherwise I cannot get laid.

    There once was a virgin in Hollywood,
    Cast in a film shot in Bollywood
    She was promptly deflowered
    with coins she was showered
    But she knew the whole thing was Follywood.

    There once was a man from Vancouver
    Who vacuumed his house with a hoover
    Then his dog disappeared;
    It was worse than he feared:
    The dog, he was Shaker, not mover!

    There once was a furniture salesman
    Who thought he'd earn more as a bailsman.
    He hung out his shingle,
    His senses a-tingle
    And now he gets cons out of jails, man.

    A boy with a pet allosaurus
    Had a fondness for Roget's Thesaurus.
    His reptilian playfellow
    Not nearly so mellow
    Lost a fight with a tyrranasaus.

    Osama escaped in a burkha
    But soon was detained by a Ghurka
    Who questioned old Bin
    About Cardinal Sin
    While threatening to shoot the foul lurker

    A hump-backed Mongolian camel,
    an exceptionally diligent mammal,
    he drinks once a year
    but insists on draught beer
    it can't damage his tooth enamel.

    There once was a lass from Shanghai
    who married a lad from Chang Mai
    Who loved kicking the gong
    By a dry billabong
    It rhymes but it's all a dang lie

    There once was this chap from Duluth
    Who walked around saying "Forsooth"
    and "varlet" and "thou"
    and "How now, brown cow?"
    "Pray thee beast, do udder the truth."

    There was a cat who'd lived nine lives
    what's more he had ninety-plus wives.
    Each one had ten kittens
    Each of whom had 4 mittens
    And all of whom broke out in hives.

    The night was incredibly dark
    and cats were afoot in the park
    Some ghouls were out howling
    And hound dogs were growling
    While peeing and leaving their mark.

    The night was incredibly dark
    and cats were afoot in the park
    Some ghouls were out howling
    And hound dogs were growling
    One let out a spine-chilling bark

    I'm wasting my time on this thread
    I'll regret it when I'm good and dead
    But meanwhile it's fun
    And does make the brain run
    And it gives me some game-forum cred.

    There once was a barber from Philly
    Who shaved and sheared, willy-nilly
    With his razor and strop
    Some ears he did lop
    But never did sever a willy!

    A writer who finished her book
    Had food for thought ready to cook
    I seasoned the grammar
    With Emeril's bammer
    Without even taking a look.

    A dangerous weasel in Kent
    Hired a willing maiden for rent
    But rumours did spread;
    Her talent in bed,
    Guaranteed it was time well spent

    A fox wished to restore his good name
    By saying he'd given up game
    "I eat strictly vegan,
    but am not a heathen
    I believe wild turnips are still game."

    Dr Dolittle's Pushme-Pullyou
    Annoyed a respectable gnu
    The gnu said, "Which end
    is more willing to bend?
    and extend ? I have something for you !"

    A half-crazed young monk in a temple
    Sat contemplating his dimple
    When some incense he smelt
    caused cravings for kelp
    And a middle-aged nun in a wimple.

    A thoughtful, thin plumber from Darwin
    Missed lunch and was utterly starvin
    But craved spuds and sourdough
    to a pub he did go
    and cadged a beer off his best friend, Marvin.

    There once was a candidate for President,
    Whose speechers were not what (s) he meant.
    His rousing orations,
    hid sly connotations
    About the current White House resident.

    A novelist, playwright and hack,
    was really no good in the sack
    He failed with viagra
    From London to Agra
    And could not even have a good whack.

    A sly Bedouin from Sinai
    tried out for the fighting Illini,
    With his camel and knife
    He caused mayhem and strife
    leaving vulture food on the fly.

    A fandango dancer named Frances
    Renowned for her pirouettes and prances
    she spun and she twirled
    while her clothes all unfurled
    Causing plenty of lecherous glances.

    A Martian crash landed at Roswell
    Along with a burning gauze smell
    He pulled out a pistol
    Made of alien crystal
    Saying, "Put this in your diary, Mr. Boswell."

    Once a young senator from Chicago,
    On a cosmic ride saw his star glow
    On his way to White House,
    He cheated on his spouse
    In the limo, with Delores del Lago.

    Some writers were out one night drinking,
    When one of them said, "Guys, I'm thinking...
    the more that I drink,
    the less my books stink
    I'm thinking more drinking, less stinking."

    The President's approval rating,
    Is full of holes, just like a grating.
    But his followers claim
    He's on top of his game
    That's why there's war and more hating.

    In November the people will cheer
    the candidates are promising free beer
    As we trudge to the polls,
    We look into our souls
    And find that they're stiffened by fear.

    A grumpy old ghost named Jack
    was really just a big hack
    He wrote pulp horror
    about an ore bore
    And no editor ever wrote back

    An author and editor wed
    but in their nuptial bed
    the comic book art
    showed a putrid fart
    and both of their careers went dead.

    When perusing your thesauruses
    For tyrannosaureses
    Shun the archaic
    even old Hebraic
    And Cretan wild minotaureses.

    A horny old worshiper of Ishtar
    took a prank a little too far
    He worshipped Her greatly,
    a Jonnie come lately . . . . . . . . ."Johnny," maybe?
    Went to hell in Gilgamesh's car.

    There once was a lassie from Glasgow
    Who had a single thick eyebrow
    That wiggled and wormed
    and squiggled and squirmed
    Like a pretty boy stuck in the hoosegow.

    A gaucho who loved Florianópolis
    said, "I'll never leave this great metropolis
    The women are gorgeous,
    they make me engorgeous,
    They call me their Petite Hippopotamus

    Starbuck's just opened in Korea,
    right next to a pizzeria
    At ten dollars a cup
    they never queue up
    The combo might cause diarrhea.

    There once was an internet forum,
    Called AWland where writers perfor-umed
    With questions and comments
    gramatical garments
    An unimpechable decorum.

    A dancer in old Santa Fe
    terara boom de ayed all day
    to old be-bop tunes
    Among Hopi ruins
    From Jan-u-a-ry through to May

    A hostile invader from Mars
    Had a passion for Cuban cigars
    Now Raúl is in charge
    Of all those cigars
    And all the fierce rum in the bars.

    A brow-beaten housewife in Kent
    Dumped her spouse in the River Trent
    Then hopped in her car
    and drove to the bar,
    And made sure all his money got spent.

    A shady young fellow called Hal,
    a robot, computer and pal,
    while romping in space
    tried saving his face
    but lost to a brass-bodied gal.

    A robot sat very confused
    Just which battery should he choose?
    a 9 volt or a D?
    AAA or plain C?
    Or the cord hanging from his caboose?

    A long-legged ostrich named Sally
    Was walking home through a dark alley
    She encountered a mugger
    Who only wanted to hug her
    but she never was one to dally.

    A handsome three-headed galoot
    Could turn from a prince to a brute
    a singular cad
    both good and bad
    And he played fabulously on the lute.

    Casanova's best night in Venice
    Was scoring six love in tennis
    he made such a racket
    unzipping his jacket
    they soon called old Casa a menace.

    There once was a writer named Nymtoc
    Who challenged a muscular gym jock
    A jab with mere words
    made him food for birds
    Now the dude is a torn-limb-from-limb jock.

    Some rhymesters who use others' names
    May not be successful with dames.
    Using a nom de plume
    And humming Claire de Lune
    Theft is their only claim to fame

    Two young lovers named Fire and Ice
    Met two others called Sugar and Spice
    Up on Lover's Leap
    They all groped in a heap,
    And experienced all manners of vice.

    A grumpy curmudgeon from Philly
    decided critique groups were silly
    he refused to play
    or even to say
    cuz he'd rather be strokin' his willy.

    A poet who penned dreadful verse
    Was struck by a terrible curse
    Whatever he rhymed
    in pentameter timed,
    Would need to be coaxed and coerced.

    A poet who penned dreadful verse
    Was struck by a terrible curse
    Whatever he rhymed
    in pentameter timed,
    Just kept getting gradually worse.

    His friends thought him ever so wise
    your great words have opened our eyes!
    He is a liar and a cheat,
    Which is no small feat
    from his sales, one can clearly surmise.

    A happy young dodo named Hugh
    Got high on a large pot of glue
    he sniffed and he snorked
    (some would say he was 'sporked')
    I'd say he was dumb. Wouldn't you?

    There once was a girl from Dubuque
    Who won American Idol on a fluke
    When Paula and Simon
    applauded her rhymin'
    The FCC issued a strong rebuke.

    A cobbler named Hugh went to Canturbury
    With a bear that was exceedingly furry
    "This is my new wife
    Whom I wed for this life
    and I want out of it in a hurry."

    A wily old Scotsman named McDuf
    was dour, grumpy and gruff
    from the stale green ale
    he drank from a pail
    till he'd nap and sleep it all off.

    When the Irish come visit the Scots
    The whiskey is brought out in pots
    The contest is vicious
    and the haggis delicious
    the participents pass out in lots.

    When storming the castle McDougall
    The invaders decided to google
    But without their WiFi
    the Scotsmen were hog-tied
    They lost because they were too frugal.

    There once was an internet guru,
    who went by "Lieutenant Uhuru,"
    A mouse at his finger,
    All day he would linger
    all the while singing, "Cucuru."

    One week on American Idol,
    the youngest singer sang with such style
    the judges just cheered
    Wondering how she'd been reared
    Made Paula down one more Midol

    A speech writer could not decide
    To lambast or just to deride
    she scribbled and sighed,
    and finally lied,
    And rambled with words that were snide.

    A surgeon from old Mandalay
    Was sharpening his knives one fine day
    he prepared to chop
    Hack, slit and crop
    Not wanting the patient to slay.

    On Sunday we go to the polls
    To vote for the hairy old trolls.
    The experts predict
    we're sure to evict
    and be left with nothing but holes.

    The candidate tried to impress
    By putting on Hillary's dress,
    But voters just giggled
    While Hillary wriggled
    In a palpable state of distress

    Australia has leaders afresh
    Who wish to untangle the mesh
    But the proof of the pudding
    Is who did the hooding?
    And who will want their pound of flesh?

    Young Violet was fond of gardenias
    Though she didn't much care for seniors
    The problem with geezers
    Is that they're all wheezers
    And have opinions that often demean yours

    A fish is an awful good swimmer
    Despite having brains so much dimmer
    He gets stuffed to the gills
    But no thanks and no frills
    He's no use but to kill and to simmer.

    I thought I heard a nightingale,
    But I know sometimes my ears can fail,
    I hear birds in my head
    chirping when I'm in bed
    Or is it my wife wagging her tail?

    There once was a lurker of threads
    Whose hair was Medusa-like dreads
    To look at her eyes
    Amidst all the flies
    Would make all your writings get read.

    A writer from ol' Nantucket
    Kept her MS in a bucket,
    She said with a grin
    "I just soak it in gin
    If it don't get read, then f**k it!"

    A poet who wrote verse in blood
    O'er the eyes of an errant spud
    Fell in love with a pea
    But dumped him for me
    And then wrote you're a bit of a dud.

    A vendor of noodles, Liu Feng
    Liked eating them dipped in ginseng
    She added Tofu
    Which made them turn blue
    which then caused both her ears to ring.

    A hustler of ladies called the Klonk,
    would play them some David Van Ronk,
    he promised their pay
    For one little lay
    It turned to a non-ending bonk.

    A woman tripped into a grave,
    Whilst seeing the sights in Belgrave
    She fell on a skull,
    Cried, "This town ain't dull !"
    Climbed out, wandered off feeling brave.

    "We really should not meet like this,"
    said she, as she gave her a kiss,
    My husband's so plebian,
    But I'm now a lesbian
    And as for guys, I'll take a Miss"

    A girl with a preference for whips
    Was known for her ruby-red lips
    She smacked 'em and more
    Like a Jolie-clone whore
    And blistered their naughty bad hips.

    A writer who thought he was God
    was bothered when told that was odd
    Once published by PA
    They'd all rue the day
    He smote them with whip and with rod.

    There once was a Wyoming democrat,
    Whose son was an unflinching plutocrat.
    One voted Republican,
    but Ron Paul didn't win,
    now he rides the range with Barack

    A blue norther struck Hawaii
    predicted by a genius from M.I.T.
    While volcanoes erupted,
    his thesis interrupted,
    He cried, "Oh," also "U, A, and I-E."

    There once were some procrastinators
    Who happened to be gladiators,
    They always delayed,
    before they got slayed,
    With hopes that the blows would abate

    A ginger haired teacher from Hobart
    made one dainty blueberry tart
    to nibble in class
    while drinking a glass
    of hemlock, all crude things to part

    A tall, dipsy seamstress from Darwin,
    With long pointy ears like fair Arwen,
    Was feeling down under,
    Her senses a-wonder
    She wandered so near and so far-win.

    These rhymes and these meters both suck,
    But I really just don't give a pluck
    just type anything
    and make something up if you're stuck.

    Yea! The red-winged blackbirds are back!
    I will hang them all up with thumbtacks!
    Or baked in a pie,
    With a crust made of rye,
    And a smidgeon of gut German Zweiback.

    A lonely old Templar in France
    went crusading without any pants
    Free to roam as he pleased
    He tempted and teased
    he ended as dinner for ants.

    A boisterous young nun from Cathay
    made a road trip to old Mandalay
    driving all hell for leather
    To a man who would bed her
    She said, "Man, come do me today!"

    A boisterous young nun from Cathay
    made a road trip to old Mandalay
    driving all hell for leather
    To a man who would bed her
    for a one night roll in the hay.

    Up north where the grizzly bears live,
    I captured a trout in a sieve.
    But the fish got away
    Singing "Hey diddly day!"
    Not a care nor a damn did it give.

    One Monday while typing these words
    I was attacked by flocks of wild birds
    "My God, I've been Hitchcocked!
    And my guns are all flintlocks!"
    And they pecked down my story two-thirds.

    I have a friend named Bobby McGee
    Who had an affair with Nanny McPhee
    But their love didn't last
    With his staff at half mast
    And the fact that he just couldn't pee.

    Some of these verses are sh*te!
    The rest of them aren't quite right,
    But some people skip'em
    And some people flip 'em
    And some verses shine a bright light.

    My friend has a fondness for cows,
    and his favorite pair of sows,
    though he may be eccentric,
    Obtuse and pedantic
    Animals love his polyphonic prose.

    I almost forgot to begin this verse,
    Because I was riding in a hearse.
    'Twas me in the coffin,
    With another old boffin
    Who had expressed interest in exploring my.... purse.

    I found my shoe upon my head,
    when I woke up this morn in bed,
    my hat on my toes,
    my sock on my nose,
    And the rest on Uncle Ted!

    I wish I had never got up
    As now I must clean up the pup.
    He's covered in poop
    At least a full scoop,
    now where is that measuring cup?

    I'm writing this while I'm at work
    With a boss who's a terrible jerk
    He's reading this verse
    While mouthing a curse
    And sharpening a knife with a smirk.

    If life were fair we would play all day
    While squand'ring our youth all away
    Without a single care
    Like a dancing bear
    Only lighter and somewhat fey.

    There once was a raven of malice
    Who stood on E.A. Poe's chalice
    Looking dour and dark
    And emulating Miss Snark
    But nothing at all like dear Alice.

    It really is time for some sleep.
    so I'm off to counting the sheep
    though my stomach does ache
    I'm afraid I shan't wake
    To pictures of Little Bo Peep!

    A skillful designer of shoes,
    Couldn't believe the good news,
    better than Prada,
    and made in Granada,
    Two shoes that youse just can't refuse.

    This limerick thing is addictive
    Though some of the rhymes are conflictive
    Some can be nasty
    While others are ghastly
    Still others are wise and reflective.

    To think in verse is a maddening
    Complaint, and also quite saddening
    For each little rhyme
    Can be a small crime
    For which the grammar police will set up a sting.

    If you ask me which witch is which,
    I'll tell you to go scratch an itch
    I hate you so much,
    you’re so hairy and butch
    And you think of nothing but glitz.

    While trying to think of a verse
    she happened to think of a curse
    'Oh &#%$@£*s!' she swore.
    I can't think of more
    Without it getting much worse.

    While trying to think of a verse
    she happened to think of a curse
    'Oh &#%$@£*s!' she swore.
    I can't think of more
    What about *£$%&& and @£**? - they're much worse

    One fine sunny day in Peru,
    I happened to run into you,
    I flattened your face,
    To give you more space,
    While greatly improving the view.

    A thoughtful young lady in Greece
    remembering the golden fleece
    set off in pursuit
    Of Queen Hatsheput,
    But only ran into her niece.

    A sceptical writer one day,
    In Hawai'i examined her lei,
    Old, fat, and round,
    Mentally unsound,
    "It's fake!" was all she could say.

    A governor from old New York
    Got busted for being a dork
    he tipped the wrong tart,
    and now he must part,
    and stifle his lust with a cork.

    A flippant young man from Melbourne
    Danced while playing the French horn,
    With movements eclectic,
    He found it too hectic,
    and on him the critics heaped scorn.

    A fey maiden from Kalamazoo,
    Stepped in a pile of poo
    As she wiped it away
    she heard a voice say
    Do you want to play my kazoo?

    There once was a brain in a jar
    That thought of driving a car
    While lacking in hands,
    It still understands,
    Teleportation will take one far.

    Osama escaped wearing a burkha,
    accompanied by none but his gurkha,
    They fled to Tashkent,
    skipped out on the rent,
    And watched a silent movie starring Blanche Yurka.

    An astronaut had diarrhea,
    While flying over North Korea,
    So, losing his load,
    And about to explode,
    He gaily called out, "Good to see ya!"

    It's depressing, reading the news,
    especially wearing tight shoes,
    If I loosen my laces,
    And walk twenty paces,
    I've through with feeling the blues

    I saw a young lady from Devon,
    In fact, I actually saw seven,
    They were quite petite,
    Standing at three feet,
    waiting to see Ocean's Eleven.

    This season on American Idol,
    I wish they'd be wiped by a wave tidal,
    Or a nice tsunami,
    Or a big fat salami,
    or rope Simon and throw on a bridle.

    There once was a vicar from Bristol
    With a passion for Waterford crystal
    He would sit and admire
    a piece, all a-fire
    Then SMASH it to bits with his pistol.

    Glub glub!’ he exclaimed as he floundered
    And "Gadzooks!" said he as he zoundered
    "The waters are rising!
    from what I'm surmising,
    I am very soon to be drowndered"

    Three strippers, two nuns and a chicken
    Went into town for a lickin'
    at an icecream shoppe
    They ordered some gloppe
    which still to their ribs is a stickin'.

    A voluptuous widow from Parma,
    was obsessed with improving her kharma.
    While reading the Reg Vida,
    which aroused her libida,
    She woke up sore in Max Pharma.

    While browsing the forums at AW,
    newbies say, "I hate to trouble you,
    but how do you write?
    all day or at night?
    Should I use one space or do you think a double-do?

    This morning while reading the news
    I shuddered and reached for some booze
    The scandal was awful
    Not moral nor lawful
    But that babe sure lit Spitzer's fuse.

    A gaucho in Argentina named Horst
    Revealing his Nazi past, was forced
    To pay for his crimes
    42 times
    He was married but now he's divorced.

    A child with long, golden locks,
    ran around busting up old clocks
    rusty cogs and gears
    those poor old dears
    they ended up stacked like his blocks.

    A buxom young mermaid from Crete
    Had no orifice from which to excrete
    And try as she might
    all day and all night,
    this function she could not complete.

    A hairy old goat-herd from Sydney
    Had a seriously weak only kidney,
    he needed to pee
    which gave him a cramp around mid-knee.

    A transvestite from Old San Franciso
    Had a special use for his Crisco
    it wasn't for cooking,
    he used it for looking
    and hooking near a Castro Stree Disco.

    A barber with quite shaky hands
    Collected and sold rubber bands.
    He had a big ball,
    then came the call
    To visit strange faraway lands.

    This week we all celebrate Easter
    and we bathe the bunnies with 'Fleaster'
    which makes their fur itch
    and shed like a bitch
    all the way down to their knee-sters.

    A hot Easter chick called Matilda
    Purchased a big yellow dilda
    To hit Woof o'er the head
    Then drag him to bed
    Then cried "Woof (!), I'm so sorry I kilda!"

    Some partying writers from "A-Dub"
    Will end up debauched and may rub
    themselves and each other
    with kisses will smother
    which beats drowning in the hot tub.

    A new orator named Obama
    Has the dems falling for his glama'
    The sparking words void,
    Senator Clinton's annoyed,
    'Cause we're gaining a dad, not a mama.

    There once was a forum of writers,
    All of them lovers, not fighters,
    They shared their dreams,
    Their rants and their screams,
    And often pulled all-nighters!

    Bob lived in a land of plenty,
    Of wives he had around twenty,
    He cheated on each,
    Both times at the beach,
    while enjoying a latte, size venti.

    One day, while typing my novel,
    I stopped to peek out from my hovel,
    My neighbor was there,
    and also quite bare,
    "Please put your clothes back on!" I did grovel.

    I once knew a nun with a limp,
    So I, such a precocious imp,
    Would make the gal run,
    And watch each bun,
    With the eye of a very proud pimp.

    As bulls go, he's bigger than most,
    And that's why he's known coast to coast
    As Ferdinand the Strong
    Who rivals King Kong
    with an obscenity I dare not post.

    Is the word root for Putin puta?
    Is the noun form of scootin', scoota?
    It's a puzzle to me
    and should be to thee,
    and more so if living in Utah.

    A writer who seldom was sober
    Was sometimes a public disrober,
    her hobby was streaking,
    And I enjoyed peeking
    Till cops came and started to probe 'er.

    Two weeks ago Sue was a virgin
    'Til she got that inevitable urgin'
    So she sent out a plea,
    "Someone de-flower me!"
    She can get renewed by a surgeon.

    An unbathed chap name of Keith,
    Was strolling one day on the heath,
    "All soap is unclean,
    you know what I mean?"
    Then Keith scratched himself underneath.

    There once was a dolly from Bali
    Who shacked up with Seamus O'Malley
    But she wouldn't wear green
    She thought it obscene
    And with him no longer would dally.

    A curmudgeonly Scot most dour
    Preferred his haggis made sour
    But drank single malt
    And then would assault
    Any Sassanach who at him would glower.

    A horrible child aged two
    Threw tantrums whenever on view.
    His mum thought it cute
    Til he spat on her boot
    So she gave him a whack. Wouldn't you?

    (page 260) 1555
    The Amazon warriors were strong,
    their eyelashes lovely and long,
    their bosoms were steel
    Even if only 1 was real,
    alas, they eschew the schlong.

    There once was a fairy named Bob,
    named for the motion of his head when on the job.
    He had a magic wand
    And an aide who was blonde
    Who was a right awful snob

    A man with a horse and a duck
    Faced his enemy with plenty of pluck,
    mounting duck, holding horse,
    he wandered off course,
    muttering, "Christ, but these limericks suck."

    There once was a hooker from Reno,
    Who repeatedly serviced Jay Leno ( it rhymes on paper)
    But Leno denies it,
    the hooker defies it,
    To hell with it. Let's go play Keno.

    Today I saw ten purple horses,
    three dragons and tiny armed forces,
    A blissful battleground
    Where cries of death abound,
    From reality I've gotten divorces.

    Writers who like making limericks
    Are more amusing than Soviet apparatchniks
    Perhaps driven by ego,
    And still others can't count, though,
    as for rhyming, that's just a cheap gimmerick.

    There once was a guy from Punjabi,
    Who was a vicious fanatical Wahabi
    He said "death to the infidels"
    storm all their citadels!
    And smear them all with some wassabi!"

    A writer who went for a walk
    Wrote obscenities on a wall with chalk
    A cop came along
    Singing a song
    "Do it again and your bung hole I'll caulk."

    A crosseyed quarterback from Stanford
    Was eating sprouts and some bean curd
    When he bit on his tongue
    He coughed out a lung
    and didn't care, he was so bored.

    A rollicking pirate named Jackie
    dressed his parrot in the finest weave khaki
    Complete with peg leg
    and a small Easter egg,
    Faux Fabergé thus thoroughly tacky

    A girl missed the train at Cucamonga,
    and found herself arriving in Tonga,
    She refused to get off
    without a good boff
    And Six lessons from Madame La Zonga. (ca. 1940 hit novelty song)

    A busty accordionist from Bologna
    Met a tympanist from Patagonia
    they squeezed and they clashed
    They shagged and they mashed
    Until they both died from pneumonia.

    There was a young gigolo from Nice
    who enjoyed crashing wedding feasts
    He flirted with the bride
    and got kicked to the side
    for trying to make off with the ice.

    Feasts and Nice don't really rhyme,
    learning tact takes little time
    but if errors we coddle
    then in quacks will waddle
    Their efforts not worth a dime.

    A poodle could not control its piddling
    Nor would it restrain from diddling.
    When he mounted a Boxer
    And tried to outfox her
    She said, "Dude, your technique is middling."

    A poodle could not control its piddling
    Nor would it restrain from diddling
    When out on a walk
    you'd recoil in shock
    from the wee that wasn't widdling.

    Stretching the words is so much fun,
    Two syllables appear where there was one,
    And I like being prolix,
    It's just how I get kicks,
    And this last line is available for stuffing extra syllables into--anyone?

    A guitarist from old Pensacola,
    made great music on the new Rockola
    Playing a splendiferous riff
    while smoking a spliff,
    But they took him away for payola.

    A forgetful poster named Fox,
    While consuming her bagels and lox,
    Clicked on the wrong thread,
    'Cause some poster had led
    Her to think that her limericks were crocks

    A large burly man from Japan
    Was addicted to Chinese Fan-tan
    He bet and he lost,
    His head was the cost
    But he never did pay, he just ran.

    A president wasn't so smart
    putting the horse before the cart.
    Who cares for elections?
    Or pensive reflections,
    Things that you can't finish – don't start.

    A tourist to Iowa found
    A bottomless hole in the ground
    Which led straight to hell
    as she could tell
    As she she replaced Prometheus bound.

    A randy old friar from Bordeaux,
    Was so poor he could not afford l'eau,
    But lashings of brandy,
    Were always quite handy,
    What's more, they gave him a gleaux.

    Old Merlin, they say, was quite wise,
    His brain of quite a large size,
    But some of his spells
    From the old Book of Kells
    Shrunk Morgana le Fay to thumbs size.

    A barber not Figaro from Seville
    Drank coffee not tea from Brazil
    It livened him up
    He drank cup after cup
    Now he feels hale and hearty not ill.

    There once was an artichoke eater
    Who cruised the town in his two-seater
    Trolling for babes
    Of sensuous shapes
    won a wife in a bet much sweeter.

    A paltry old parson named Ork
    Sired an illegitimate son in York.
    When grown, son said, "Dad,
    My mum said you had
    Three more wives and six more kids in Cork."

    There once was a mad millionairess
    Who wanted her Mexican hairless.
    He said "Ay, Chihuaha!
    Don't tell Baba Wawa!"
    If you need me I'm out on the terrace.

    Two rules to follow when writing:
    One--start out with something exciting.
    Then follow it through,
    but whatever you do
    Be sure you're plugged in with good lighting.

    An inventor deranged and bizarre
    Carried chickens around in his car.
    He thought it'd be neat
    to feather his seat
    But his ass got stuck to the tar!

    I knew a musician from France,
    Who was a gaudy flaming nance,
    He’d flounce as he fiddled
    And mince while he piddled,
    He was a lot of fun at a dance.

    One day, while cleaning my drawers
    (Not one of my favorite chores),
    I slipped on the soap
    And felt like a dope
    Now my bum is all covered with sores.

    A man picked his teeth with a fork
    While at "21" in New York
    Then he farted out loud,
    Scandalizing the crowd,
    Then grossed them all with a hork.

    A man picked his teeth with a fork
    While at "21" in New York
    Then he farted out loud,
    Scandalizing the crowd
    Who cried out as one, "What a dork!"

    A girl who was rather ill bred
    went out with a lout, name of Ted,
    They ate with their feet
    and it was really a treat
    To lick all their toes 'till they bled.

    A poet who wrote ugly verse
    Was sure that his rhymes were all cherce.
    His couplets were lewd,
    his sonnets most rude
    And his limericks incredibly worse

    A man wrote a tale on his thumb
    He knew it was terribly dumb.
    No one could read it,
    Or rent, sell or deed it.
    Now he's inconsolably glum.

    A woman who lived in a tree
    Had a puppy, a Dinmont (Dandee)
    This cute little terrier
    could pilot a Harrier
    And hovered above her to pee!

    A tall, slender fella named Ted,
    had trouble when lying in bed
    Haunted by wet dreams,
    nightmares and screams,
    He slept vertical till he was dead.

    The congressman sat on a horse,
    Pictured strong for all to endorse
    the horse threw him off,
    And his image went soft
    And he lost the election, of course

    An author wrote epics in space,
    Writing plot points to shore up his base.
    Freed of all gravity,
    he pulled out of his cavity
    A joker, 3 queens and an ace.

    A man who liked wrestling in lard
    dressed in a spandex leotard
    thusly attired,
    And crack-coke wired,
    Slipped, and on his arse fell hard.

    A woman with hair on her chin
    Thought personal grooming a sin
    She stroked her long whiskers
    And squeezed a few blisters
    Causing pus and gunk to ooze to her shin.

    King Arthur returned late at night
    And crashed into an armored knight.
    "Ouch!" Bang boom crash!
    And a most painful gash
    Still he's known for winning that fight.

    There was once a compound in Texas
    Run by lecherous over-sexas
    In pioneer garb
    and fence, wired barb,
    They took him to jail in his Lexus

    A young man who studied Tai Chi
    Ate only curds, whey, and sushi
    A fit vegetarian,
    And also a contrarian
    And as for his girlfriend, well who's she?

    A writer who balked at bad rhymes,
    Edited his sonnet at least twenty times,
    Still, his meter was off,
    So far one might scoff,
    He'll never make this come out right and I swear he'd be rich if every superfluous syllable was a dime!

    A waitress who lived in a hovel,
    had ideas that would fill a shovel
    When given a tip,
    she'd lick just one lip,
    Cause it wasn't in her to grovel.

    If Hillary gets elected
    Will women at last be respected?
    Were that it were true,
    For those of each hue,
    and not just for those well connected.

    If McCain wins the upcoming race,
    The demos'll have egg on their face.
    We'll stay in Iraq
    'Til the buzzards come back
    and chase us right out of the place.

    There once was a frustrated writer
    Whose wife was significantly brighter.
    When he wanted some action
    He considered that traction
    Could make their relationship lighter.

    If ever I went to Australia,
    a postcard or two I would mail ya
    Of Koalas and Dingos
    And other strange thing-os
    And the most incomprehensible lingos.

    A dapper young man from Manhattan,
    Went to school to study old Latin,
    In bowtie and spats
    Shouts "Fama volat"
    May I please have my aristidis au gratin?

    A ribald old poet from Dayton
    Met a pretty young redhead from Stayton.
    He desired her bod
    but the randy old sod
    Had no clothes suitable to mate in.

    A young man suffering ennui
    complained about ongoing pink eye
    But he was too blasé
    And had to pause, eh
    This limerick is too screwed up to deny--or decree, depending on your choice of which word to rhyme.

    Some limericks are harder than others,
    'Tis true, but if I had my druthers,
    I'd write just for fun
    And pen every pun
    And I'd finish my own, not another's.

    A young broomball star thought it funny
    to endorse a product for money
    So he chose Hoover,
    it was a real mover,
    And made his life sweeter than honey.

    A writer who sat in a slump
    wrote "I, I, I have a sore rump.
    I can't concentrate,
    My deadline's late
    Tht's why I feel like a worthless chump.

    A Polish Pianist from Pryzmyl,
    played while he ate Weiner schnitzel
    Grease covered the keys
    Made glissandos with ease,
    But his timing was all on the fritz--hell!

    A fellow who lived in his SUV
    needed to expel gas excessively.
    He'd stick his head out
    the window and shout,
    'My car's foriegn-dependency free!'

    A writer was giving a speech
    comparing sand grains on the beach
    with drops of sea water
    upon which a sea otter,
    rested comfortably in his new-found niche.

    A drunken young man from Ireland,
    Tired of his life as a hired hand,
    Fled out of the bog
    And married a hog
    After which they started a band.

    A portly old duffer from Kent,
    had difficulty paying his rent
    He asked for a loan
    with barely a moan
    But evicted, moved into a tent.

    A scandalous girl from Dubai
    wore her Burka, while she got high.
    She smoked her hashish
    and twirled her leash
    While a mullah was stroking her thigh.

    An actor with very bad teeth
    Went out for a stroll on the heath
    He was British, you see,
    So he couldn't just flee
    And they gave him a jolly good wreath.

    A sad-eyed old monk in Nepal
    Stepped in gunk best described as fecal,
    But being a Buddhist
    And one of the shrewdest
    cussed, "Damnit! Don't karma beat all?"

    A young floozie named Mimi LaRue
    Had a power drill, but just one screw
    She hired a mechanic
    And made that boy panic
    'Would you prefer I use superglue?'

    A walrus perused the late paper
    While honing his tusks with a shaper,
    "Hey, Carpenter, look!"
    he said as he shook,
    "The oysters have come for a caper!"

    No matter what planet you're from,
    There's always another so dumb
    they'll vote for a putz
    who's ruled by his lust
    Who'll be forever controlling your thumb.

    Whenever you hear a sound,
    And your heart begins to pound,
    your fingers go numb
    your throat's struck dumb
    your creativity's run aground.

    A flirtatious dugong called Mazie
    Met a squid who he fancied like crazy
    Said he "Let's go back to my place,
    you can sit on my face"
    "Oh let's just float, I'm feeling lazy."

    A king known as Tyranosaurus
    Whose long speeches easily bored us
    in the era cretaceous,
    was feeling flirtatious
    And recited love poems sonorous.

    An old lush who loved Spanish brandy
    would keep his flask of it handy,
    Pondering, he'd sip
    should I guzzle, or drip?
    Sorry Honey, it's just like candy.

    Springtime the geese come a layin'
    and the skunks wake up and start sprayin'
    The chiggers start bitin'
    So the lake looks invitin'
    I'm divin' right in, then I'm stayin'.

    My deadline is coming up fast
    I hope that the coffee will last
    I've not slept a wink,
    It's proof read, I think
    But oops, I have misspelled Avast!

    An archaeologist among the ruins of Karnak
    bent over and injured her back,
    But when a young man offered his hand,
    she gently reminded him that the third and fourth line of a limerick should only have two beats throughout the land,
    Then told him he was a literary hack.

    A grizzled old hunter from Maine
    Said, "Shoot the moose! He don't feel pain."
    The moose demurred
    Said he, "I'm not a bird."
    "There's my revenge, allow me to explain..."

    Horton the elephant heard a who
    albeit microscopic, it's true,
    but despite the vast gap,
    "A person's not crap,
    It whispered: To Thine Own Self Be True

    A prince flew a chopper for love
    And hovered a little above
    Crooning, "Please, kiss me Kate."
    And don't make me wait
    My co-pilot might give me a shove.

    A poster at the water cooler,
    A very well-known drooler,
    Said something odd
    About their favourite mod
    "I'd like to see her dance the hooler."

    A poster at the water cooler,
    A very well-known drooler,
    Said something odd
    About their favourite mod
    And was beaten with a ruler.

    A poster at the water cooler,
    A very well-known drooler,
    Said something odd
    About their favourite mod
    Who then compared it to manure.
    A CSI expert from Vegas,
    remarked that "This case will plague us
    Since everyone's blind
    and in gambling behind
    Let's just take another hiatus

    The writer who cheers "it's Friday!"
    Is not going off to a hideaway.
    But hoisting a brew
    To all but a few,
    Who mounted their camels to ride away.

    A woman who cursed at computers
    found pictures of her daughter's hooters
    On Girls Gone Wild
    that reprobate child
    She'll have no reputable suitors.

    A sharp Vegas dealer named Duke
    Felt no need to respond to rebuke
    Texas Hold'em he dealt,
    Laid five cards on the felt,
    And the loser shot off his peruke.

    A cat with a whimsical attitude
    Said "Cat got your tongue?" is a platitude.
    "To rain cats and dogs"
    Is absurd. Why not frogs?
    And he pondered on this as the fat he chewed.

    A cat with a whimsical attitude
    Said "Cat got your tongue?" is a platitude.
    "To rain cats and dogs"
    Is absurd. Why not frogs?
    That it's not causes me to feel gratitude."

    ‘With a hey and a ho nonny no’
    A country bumpkin stubbed his toe
    He fell on his bum
    And spilling his rum
    Said, "Whoa, Nellie, 'tain't a good show!

    I wonder if chocolate and milk
    will come off if I scrub this silk?
    They say soda works best
    But I fear to try, lest
    it leaves a spot or else of that ilk.

    There once was an amorous moose
    who fell in love with a flighty goose.
    "Dear goose are you willing
    To go through a grilling?
    asked a chef nearby, name of Bruce.

    There once was a guy named Obama,
    Who rode into town on his llama,
    With preacher in tow
    Who cawed hate like a crow
    And sounded a lot like Osama.

    A wombat that thought it could fly
    Leaped from a cliff high into the sky
    While sailing through space
    With a smile on its face
    It thought, "I'm so happy I could die."

    A dragon-slaying hero of yore,
    Had a face that looked like a sore
    The princess he saved
    Had arms unshaved,
    And she dribbled and drooled when she swore.

    A dragon-slaying hero of yore,
    Had a face that looked like a sore
    The princess he saved
    Had arms unshaved
    thus they lived happily, evermore.

    There once was a sprightly old fella
    Who impersonated Nelson Mandela
    With compassionate heart
    A movement he did start
    In time for a new Cinderella

    A year after winds ravaged Kansas,
    bringing despair to woman and manses,
    The sunflowers bloomed
    The starling nests boomed,
    and we're all in the back getting tanses.

    Now that I'm older and wiser
    I wish I'd been more of a miser
    I wouldn't trust banks
    Except with Swiss Francs
    And I would have bought stocks in Pfizer

    Today I met a strange man
    Who said, "Let's go see Kazakhstan!"
    As he stepped on his carpet
    Atop a minaret
    I wondered if he had a plan.

    There was a fair maiden afloat
    On a crumpet she thought was a boat
    But the crumpet got soaked
    And the maid almost croaked
    In the crocodile-infested moat.

    The Queen said "Off with his head!"
    It seemed her lover had failed her in bed.
    The King was so pleased
    he stayed on his knees
    and pleased her in that way instead.

    A limerick should be obscene.
    Who cares about rhymes that are clean?
    Clean just doesn't sell
    Good taste, go to hell!
    F*** off, you prudes! Know what I mean?

    A lovely young lady from Kent
    Saw his gaze, and knew what it meant
    He continued to stare
    With never a care
    that she, knowing why, up and went.

    Two things to remember when writing:
    That the ego and id like fighting.
    Said Ego to Id,
    "Now look here, you kid!
    You can slap all you like but no biting."

    Sir Nigel left without a line
    So I'll submit a line of mine
    Pray, make it brief
    We need relief
    From verses silly and malign.

    No more keyboard, for me a quill
    From which will flow words, better still
    "Forsooth!" I shall write
    "Ye gads!" and then smite
    After which yards of beer I shall swill.

    It is said no word can rhyme with orange,
    'tho Nash quipped, "I just adore Inge."
    But who is Nash?
    Does he have cash?
    Or is he as broke as a door 'inge?

    Two gumdrops decided to marry
    But one of them wanted to tarry
    He wasn't quite sure
    If she was still pure
    But he still loved her flavor: blueberry

    A pirate ship lost in a storm
    Had a captain who looked like a worm.
    He steadied the helm
    And entered a realm (is that okay, Pthom?)
    where piracy wasn't the norm.

    A porcupine frantic for love
    couldn't find any help from above.
    So, rattling his quills
    He popped a few pills
    And mistakingly boffed a cute dove.

    A vaquero from old Vera Cruz
    Got borracho on rotten old booze
    He fell off his bayo
    On Cinco de Mayo
    And exposed his poor sesos to luz

    A limerick writer from Paris
    whose pseudonym was Henry Harris
    could not find a rhyme
    to sell for a dime
    So he wrote short stories that scare us.

    A writer who dreamed of perfection
    Through his heroine had an erection
    But he suffered withdrawal
    and he threw in the towel
    When his editor made the correction.

    On Mayday the maypole was raised
    The nymphs and satyrs became crazed
    Chanting unionist rants
    They took off their pants
    They had pants? I'll say I'm amazed.

    There once was a limerick writer
    Who sat on a cigarette lighter.
    His pants were on fire,
    The flames getting higher
    Quite irking that shameless old blighter!

    A young nurse who knew how to draw blood
    was startled by a sudden thud.
    A patient on the floor
    Reputed to be a whore
    had fainted. Said the nurse, "Oh crud."

    I once had a lovely romance
    Who tangoed the sexiest dance
    She gyrated all nude
    Oh, far from a prude!
    She held on to his sizable lance.

    An ostrich who lived in denial
    Kept the evidence in a small vial.
    Though it was close at hand
    Buried under the sand
    He was sentenced to death at his trial.

    A man with a very small brain
    Was petty, dim-witted and vain.
    No peacock was prouder
    Or thick as clam chowder
    Except the President from Maine

    Barbara Walters interviewed herself
    While staring into a mirror on the shelf
    She feigned sincerity
    Clutching her dignity
    And answered like the oracle at i-delph.

    talkwrite, please drop us a line
    The forgetful should pay a big fine
    10 bucks for each word--
    Says talkwrite, "My lord!
    What makes you think I own a mine?"

    A writer woke up one fine day
    and cried 'I have something to say!'
    "My muse has returned,
    And oh! What I've learned!
    So now I must write an essay."

    A guilt-ridden boozy old hack
    Who lived in a filthy old sack
    Decided to cull
    From Tom Wolf's Man in Full
    But bad karma was all he got back.

    A plagiarist I once knew
    Stole Will's Taming of the Shrew
    Kate was a bon mot
    Who stole the show
    But the Bard's estate went on to sue.

    There once was a guy name of Caesar
    Who was quite a naughty old geezer
    and comic called Sid
    Much joking he did--
    I can't tell them apart, what a teaser.

    A worthless old pile of potatoes
    Was worn by some guys in their speedos,
    With bulges unsightly
    These geezers felt sprightly
    'Cause their bulges were red as tomatoes.

    A journalist after a story
    Decided he'd make it sound gory.
    A mere light contusion
    Would add to confusion
    When the corpse was found in a quarry.

    A vampire who could not abide blood
    Had his coffin engulfed in black mud
    He refused a transfusion
    And instead drank some juice in
    A skull while awaiting the flood.

    Then getting back into his coffin
    He ate a blueberry muffin
    On which he did choke
    And then promptly croak
    Becoming his very own stuffing.

    I'm sorely in need of a drink
    As I teeter close to the brink.
    The more I look down
    The greater my frown.
    How did I end up here in the clink?

    A leprechaun moved to Australia
    With a load of paraphernalia
    No pommies in sight,
    He said, "Well, awright!
    I better sit down and email yer!"

    A writer who spent hours translating
    A Russian tale about bear baiting
    Was suddenly flummoxed
    And totally out foxed
    Requiring some defenestrating.

    I'm thinking of having some lunch
    Something light to nibble and munch
    Some veggies or salad
    Linguine and shallots
    And juicy black grapes by the bunch.

    But now I shall open some wine
    Just to get me through the next line
    The sound of a cork
    Unnh, it takes some torque
    Oooh, the words are flowing just fine.

    A misting Spring rain is falling
    The ducks and the geese are calling
    Thoughts float to Brazil
    Ants crawl up a hill
    Woof, sometimes you are appalling.

    Dick Cheney passed out at the pump
    Someone asked, "What is this lump?"
    "He's just full of gas,
    and a cold-blodded ass,
    And that man he shot? He's in the dump."

    At midnight on midsummer's eve
    Sacred magick the witches still weave.
    With cauldron and flame,
    The spirits reclaim
    They have a quick shindig then leave.

    They say he’s not right in the head
    And he keeps a live python in bed
    A Jeopardy! fan
    and is seeking a ban
    on seagulls not being fed.

    A gardener tore down a skyscraper
    Did it as a April Fool's caper
    No Superman, he
    He's as weak as a flea
    But keen to join up with his maker.

    My muse has gone off in a huff
    How rude and offensive and gruff!
    I'm left in the lurch
    Well off my perch
    And with no drafts not even rough.

    My villain decided to come clean
    "I'm meek. I drink Ovaltine.
    I no longer torture,
    or burn or scorch or
    do anything remotely obscene."

    My poodle has lost all his hair,
    And with the ladies his debonaire flair.
    They turn up their noses
    And pee on the roses
    A dog's job, oh jeez, I swear!

    There once was a hairless, nude poodle
    that ate for its lunch one long noodle
    it curled over his nose
    then down to its toes
    For dessert she had a strudel.

    Gas prices just keep on rising
    A hassle I can't help despising.
    The trouble with oil
    Just makes me recoil.
    My vehicle I'll be downsizing.

    Oneblindmouse said to Nymtoc one day
    "Where did you learn to write that grand way"?
    He replied, "It's as naught,
    I just do what I ought,
    And say what my muse tells me to say."

    Autodidact and Talkwrite decided
    That Nymtoc and Mouse were misguided,
    "You think that's good prose?"
    "Quien Sabe? Who knows?"
    Don roc'd as the others confided.

    The liberties some posters take
    Truly blissful my day they make
    And those who like lurking,
    Who get off on smirking,
    Do definitely take the cake.

    My article just isn't growing
    And I'm not exactly crowing
    makes me pull out my hair
    and burn my underwear
    My God! My privates are showing!

    My fifth draft sucks worse than the fourth
    I shall give up all writing henceforth
    But just one more line
    But first one more wine
    So ends Equator of the North

    Norman was a writer by trade,
    prose was the product he made.
    He spun a fine tale
    When watered with ale
    But failed when he drank lemonade.

    An urge to pass gas while he danced
    invaded the Comte de Gran's pants
    He squeezed his buns tightly
    And broke wind politely
    While sly Madame Pompadour glanced.

    When Ahab caught sight of his nemesis,
    He did not react with an emesis.
    But, missing his leg,
    slipped on a gull's egg,
    Which is why that whole deckful of phlegm is his.

    There once was a damsel called Dora
    Who memorized the entire Torah
    She explored God's words,
    Like other good nerds,
    And ended up dancing the Hora.

    A writer was bloated on beer
    Confusing ale with good cheer,
    he needed to pee
    But the john was not free,
    Which explains the wet spot you see here.

    On a faraway planet called Mongo
    A musical boy played his bongo
    He used all six hands,
    To play in his pants
    While wondering, Just how does this song go?

    A barkeep was asked for advice
    quoth he, 'If you can't say anything nice...
    Then keep your trap shut
    And do not talk smut
    But you may play with me poker dice.

    A poodle named Fifi La Rue
    Was bored and had nothing to chew
    Silk rugs she found bland,
    Kibbles were the wrong brand
    But Ferragamo had the best shoe.

    A sinister Siamese cat
    spied an innocent rat
    The cat showed her fangs
    The rat called his gangs
    Voilà! the West Side Story spat

    A penguin was determined to fly.
    He said, "No ground-bird am I!"
    he called Southwest Air
    And asked, "What's the fare?"
    No frills but it's as high as the sky.

    A genie got tired of wishes
    And washing his Master's dishes.
    He rubbed his own lamp
    And got a leg cramp
    With pain exceedingly vicious.

    A ribald old bawd from Bristol
    Accidentally sat on her pistol
    A discharge was heard
    Her vision soon blurred
    And she said, "Migawd, there goes my bustle!"

    A woolly old ram in a meadow
    Who'd lived half his life in a ghetto
    Said, "How can I sleep
    When there's noisy sheep
    Plus that wretched goat singing falsetto?"

    When Marjorie moved to Montana
    She was joyous at leaving Fontana
    She loved the fresh air
    Except for the lair
    Of the sinister Banana-fana.

    To make a successful martini
    Never stir with a flaccid zucchini.
    Instead, gently shake
    Like that 007 rake
    And serve casually, whistling Puccini.

    When Wellington challenged old Nappy
    It made the Prussians quite happy.
    He charged with his horses
    And superior forces,
    While Nap's plan was totally crappy.

    From Podunk to Paris to Prague
    A Countess toured with her frog.
    It sang Papageno
    In Vegas and Reno
    and toasted her with some hot grog.

    When crafting a limerick it's best
    To refrain from thought, you know, lest
    You put a great strain
    On your poor li'l pea brain,
    And end up the butt of the jest.

    If ever a person had problems
    It was Bob, who kept gobbling corn coblems
    That grew so darned big
    He soon looked like a pig
    Then exploded in thousands of bloblems.

    "Show me the money," said Jerry.
    "Oh no, show me yours first;" said Harry.
    Jerry showed him his wad
    Quoth Harry "Oh my GAWD!
    If you were a woman, we'd marry!"

    There was this young novelist, Lester,
    Every agent he found, he would pester.
    But writing in blood
    Exhausted the stud
    Who also worked as the king's jester.

    A bandit who feared for his life
    Decided to find him a wife.
    So he rode into town
    With a see-through gown,
    Which caused him a good deal of strife.

    A bandit who feared for his life
    Decided to find him a wife.
    So he rode into town
    With a see-through gown
    And the girls called his member a fife.

    A jester told a tale in bad taste
    That caused him to leave in great haste.
    The Queen was outraged,
    For she'd been upstaged.
    Another good joke gone to waste.

    The flowers that bloom in the Spring
    cause dreams that are tantalizing,
    It's best if you smoke them,
    Inhaling each harsh stem,
    But best take the seeds out and fling.

    The flowers that bloom in the Spring
    cause dreams that are tantalizing,
    It's best if you smoke them,
    Inhaling each harsh stem [not a rhyme]
    because when you toke them,[not an original rhyme, unlike the previous line]
    The words that don't rhyme you just sing.

    Abe Lincoln once ran out of words
    So he started to tweet like the birds
    Cats gathered around
    And Honest Abe found
    He did best if he flatted his thirds.

    A cabbage makes quite a good soup
    And rarely does one in our group
    Not empty his bowl;
    But alas, one poor soul
    Thinks cabbage tastes something like poop.

    A swan who was scared to go swimming
    Looked out at a lake that was brimming
    With turtles and snakes.
    Said her brother, "They're fakes!"
    "What's more, each one is a lemming."

    There once was a pirate from France
    Who longed to succeed in la danse.
    So he bought a tutu
    And dressed up all fru-fru
    And won first prize as best nance.

    A Viking who lacked the talent to navigate
    nor rocking ships could he tolerate.
    When he went a-viking,
    He wished he were hiking
    Where he could just sit and meditate.

    A Buddhist monk went on Survivor
    That he'd win I bet a fiver,
    He didn't eat much
    And only spoke Dutch
    But clever as Angus MacGyver.

    A tourist got lost in New York;
    He felt like a virtual dork.
    Wound up at the Met
    Saw two friends from Tibet
    Who told him, "Just follow that stork."

    A glamorous gal from St. Paul
    Decided to see Montreal.
    She brought her boyfriend
    Whose came from South Bend
    And, together, they both had a ball

    A cute little man in the city
    Thought I was quite charming and witty
    He took me to dine
    But he fed me a line
    And now he sings with Conway Twitty

    Puerto Rico asked to secede
    We sent them a fax of their deed
    But Geraldo Rivera
    said, "There's been an erra,
    my notes say you're already freed."

    King Kong stubbed his toe on a tree,
    His mother said, "Aw, let him be."
    "Don't pamper that wimp.
    He's faking a limp.
    If he really got hurt, he'd tell me."

    Ten men sat in a dugout canoe
    - a depraved and notorious crew
    Their manners were crude
    And their cox downright rude
    And their swain was somewhat askew.

    A woman without any shame
    Found considerable internet fame
    She posted her pics
    Of her lewd party tricks
    But today's lurkers found them quite tame.

    Bill Gates started a garden
    Where Roses and Lilies did harden
    Where Lilacs grew limp
    And code-hacking chimp
    At Shawshank made wealthy the warden.

    A witty wizard from Westminster
    Was casting a spell when he sensed her
    It was the Wendy the Witch
    a-scratchin' an itch
    And cackling in a voice quite sinister.

    A man who was traveling through time
    said, "This journey is simply sublime!
    I've kissed Cleopatra
    And sung with Sinatra
    And watched Shakespeare writing a rhyme!"

    A woman turned into a flea
    And feasted on Griffith's Aunt Bea
    The flea then ate Opie,
    And Andy got mopy
    And Barney said, "What about me?"

    A woman danced in the rain
    And freed each thought in her brain
    But her mind was all wet,
    She became a coquette
    And turned to hooking in Spain.

    A man who was wealthy as sin
    Got plastered on tonic and gin
    He staggered toward home
    His mouth covered in foam
    And fell in his own rubbish-bin.

    Just when Nerdly's work day had ended
    And all that was right was defended,
    The boss came along
    in a leopard-print thong
    Which was torn and left unmended.

    The boss who pranced without shame
    Said all that he wanted was fame
    Not a promotion
    Or calamine lotion
    He's unheard of, and ain't that a shame.

    In the valley a big storm was raging
    About whose smile was most engaging.
    My ear to ear grin
    Snapped my facelift pin
    And added ten years to my aging.

    A nasty old man with a grievance
    Known for his raves and his loud rants
    At last found his match
    She liked to moan and scratch
    Thus becoming more than a casual dalliance.

    A capo named Shells Leonardi
    Was hosting a Sicilian style party.
    He served caponata
    And sang La Traviata
    And bathed in gallons of Bacardi.

    A talented young maiden called Maeve
    Spent an Irish Shavuot with Dave.
    He corrected her spelling
    As her eyes were welling
    And lost the job as her love-slave.

    If one million monkeys typed all day
    How many peanuts would you pay?
    One nut per ape
    Two for their mate
    And three for their friends who are gay.

    A dog who barked up the wrong tree
    was photographed, making history
    He became famous overnight
    for his bark, not his bite
    The dog's bark or that of the tree?

    A rising Republican politician
    Was caught in the midst of coition
    In a DC hotel
    Covered in just Rotel
    In a compromising position.

    A woman who smashed a glass ceiling
    Claimed houses of glass are appealing
    Except when you're nude,
    Engaged to a prude,
    And all of the neighbors are squealing!

    On the last day before he got sacked
    An employee was tortured and racked
    By various bosses
    On donkeys and hosses
    All of them sadistic and cracked.

    A duck who lost all his feathers
    And a cow who knew about leathers
    Were sold at the fair.
    Though they went as a pair
    By two lady farmers--both Heathers

    A lemon, a dog, and a villain
    Were seen by a witch who was willin'
    To make lemonade
    but the brew that they made
    was really not worthy of swillin'.

    Who will win the upcoming election?
    It's not a difficult selection
    An old plan man, or
    "Yes We Can!" man
    who will lead us in the right direction.

    Who will win the upcoming election?
    It's not a difficult selection
    An old plan man, or
    "Yes We Can!"
    The same old crap or a new direction.

    This morning while reading the news
    I found nothing that I could use
    All war and misery
    Lies,greed and bigotry
    So I went back to bed for a snooze.

    While waltzing I stepped on his toe,
    He said, "Dear, that's not comme il faut."
    In rage, I replied,
    "Well then step aside,
    for your waltzing is clumsy and slow”

    ‘Don’t fondle the servants’ she said
    They could end up in your bed
    If you need to cuddle
    Don't leave a puddle
    Or I’ll whack you and leave you for dead

    A bright and ambitious Walloon
    Was to phlegmish to play the bassoon (great pun, no?)
    A frog in his throat
    As he spützens each note
    Moved him to switch to play the spoons

    Once, a gay man from New Orleans
    Put a terrible strain on the zip of his jeans.
    It attracted attention
    At a Baptist convention
    Where ten ministers choked on their beans

    A brat with a water balloon
    Took aim not a moment too soon
    Ten stories below
    strolled a girl and her beau
    And a watered down vampire raccoon

    Chimpanzees don't frequent this park,
    Because it's patrolled after dark
    And those Monkey Squad Boys
    Will confiscate toys
    Like the two Noah threw from the ark

    A shyster escaped from a ship
    With a seriously injured hip
    He dove in high seas
    Fed a dolphin some cheese
    And kissed a man eating shark on the lip

    A woman with too many shoes
    Her dilemma was, which pair to choose
    So few she had worn
    That a problem was born --
    The ‘I’ve Bought Too Many Shoes’ Blues

    Two dandies, a fop and a rake
    Attempted to hide in a cake.
    The frosting was sweet
    All round a fab treat
    And the bawd inside they did make.

    King Arthur cried out, "Where is Guinevere?"
    Screamed the maid, "Putting on her brassiere!"
    In came Sir Lancelot
    He thinks, "My pant's they'll spot"
    So he yells "Is Galahad still here?"

    A rendezvous planned by a farmer
    Turned into a dreadful alarmer
    His pig and his mule
    both dressed in pink tulle--
    Looks a lot like hot pink only warmer.

    Two doctors who loved the same nurse
    Had words that were both short and terse [adjusting for meter]
    But she knew the score
    And chose to ignore
    Their words which sounded adverse

    A limerick locked in mid-limerick
    Keeps Tracy at bay like a dimmer Dick.
    But our Autodidact
    was a little bit cracked
    And it spun until it made them feel sick!

    A little old lady from York
    found a grey pubic hair on her fork
    She dropped it and screamed
    as her elderly waiter beamed
    And said, "It don't scan, but it works."

    A shy hippopotamus from Khartoum
    undressed in the dark in my room.
    Her hips were so wide
    That I needed a guide
    But her lips were like flowers in bloom

    A writer was new to a forum
    and desperate not to bore 'em
    with vivid sexual scenes
    and lots of vented spleens
    cuz all the good writers deplore'em.

    There once was a writer with block
    Who considered using his Glock
    But instead used his pen,
    Wrote a sonnet and then
    Realized it was thirteen o'clock!

    A merry young lass on a bicycle
    Had an accident while sucking a popsicle
    Are you hurt asked a friend
    After she tumbled end-to-end
    "No," she replied, "but the stick tickles."

    If your limerick refuses to scan at all
    And it doesn't quite rhyme either,
    You might be a poet
    Though Meter and Rhyme Might not Show It,
    And your agent and publisher never call neither.

    Whatever became of those writers
    Who binged on wild all-nighters?
    Well, they post on this forum
    So please don’t ignore ‘em
    As they're mean nasty horrible biters.

    To touch her lips was the kiss of death
    Unless you avoided her sulphuric breath
    If her allure traps you
    when her finger taps you,
    It's worse than any trip you've taken on meth.

    When Bart Simpson faced Doyle Brunson in Texas hold'em
    The tension was so hot it was molten
    Bart needed one card
    But Luck's heart was hard
    So he smiled with rotting teeth and forced bart to fold'em.

    Woof went on America's Top Dog
    His mind keen and clear as the fog
    He snarled on cue
    Then made a large poo
    And alleycat said, "What a hog!"

    Hickory, dickory, oneblindmouse
    There’s a repossession order onmyhouse.
    I'm flat broke and clueless
    And starving and shoeless
    Oh wait, there's ten bucks inmyblouse

    A vivid and terrible scene
    confronted the haggard old queen:
    the corgis lay dead
    next to the king's head
    And she screamed louder than Howard Dean.

    A Senator known for his earmarks
    Was linked to unsavory loan sharks
    His own coffers full
    he was known for his bull,
    "Til he was busted by a team 0f DEA narcs.

    Obama said, I will bring change."
    From hopefuls that phrase isn't strange
    But changing takes guts
    No ifs, ands, or buts,
    so maybe he'll just rearrange.

    We can't wait until the election
    There's too much misdirection.
    The candidates all
    with astonishing gall
    Lay claim to unbounded perfection.

    There once was a duck known as Daffy
    Who had a fondness for pink taffy
    And said Bugs is "despicable"
    But Pluto is lickable
    If I had a whole tongue or a halfie.

    I dreamed of a storm out at sea
    With huge waves from windward and lee
    "Hang ten!" I said
    to ghosts of sailors dead
    And with Johnny Depp had some orange tea.

    A piddling pooch from Peoria
    was last seen on the Andrea Doria
    He squatted on the poop deck
    And a dolphin said "Oh heck!
    Don’t piddle or poop I implore o’ ye.”

    Don’t fondle those fondants’ she said,
    "or I'll pop you once on yer head "
    "then I'll gouge out yer eyes
    And cut that thing between yer thighs
    Aye! I'll make you wish you were dead.

    The High Court said yes to bear arms.
    But said nothing about saving farms
    Or keeping jobs here
    And pot versus beer
    Or Lafayette yelling, "Gendarmes!"

    A crabby old crook cried "Police
    - you are ill-bred, corrupt and obese!"
    But when his home was robbed
    He broke down and sobbed,
    "When will dishonesty cease?"

    A manuscript sat on a shelf,
    written by an anti Ghibelline Guelf,
    It favored the Pope
    But the HRE said nope
    So the Guelf flagellated himself.

    Alone on an uncharted isle
    A fellow was tempted to smile
    ‘I may be quite loco but…’
    There's a face on that Coconut
    Which looks just like old uncle Lyle!'

    When sorting through files of old papers
    Aunt Pittypat swooned from the vapors
    In her hand was a photo
    Of her grand dad's De Soto
    "I love how the front fender tapers."

    Bill was in love with his Buick
    And dumped actress Barbara Ruick.
    His steering wheel
    Was tarnished steel
    So rusty it made him feel too sick.

    Jack thought his charisma was awesome
    when he lured three chicks to a foursome
    But he lacked the stamina
    So the girls flounced out slammin’ a….
    Young stud who said he'd adore some.

    That Limerick was really bad,
    and yet the only one we had
    We can do better
    Just stick to the letter
    Yet this one is pretty poor, also.

    "Oh no Mr Perkins," she said
    As he pushed her onto the bed.
    "I don't really know you
    And you're married too
    Now I see where my c**k teasing led.’

    Why Maisie, you’re terribly rude'
    When you appear all in the nude
    But off came your clothes
    So the book, the judge throws
    "With no clothes, by the law, you're judged lewd."

    In summer, the garden is green,
    In winter no color is seen,
    Autumn, leaves fall,
    Spring's best of all;
    When Life is the fair reigning queen.

    If ever there was a disaster
    Consider a house made of plaster
    A wind comes along
    and blew it to Hong Kong
    It's a free trip and you'll get there faster.

    The Japanese love their TV
    Confusing us with origami.
    A huge paper moth
    (Or perhaps it was Thoth)
    Was unclear unless viewed in HD.

    Jim played a red Telecaster
    With his pick moving faster and faster
    His eyes were squinted
    As talent was hinted
    But his chording was total disaster.

    A sly old gal on her vacation
    Filmed her own animation
    She streamed it online
    Pixel called on time
    Now it's the latest blockbuster sensation.

    Two women were at the hairdresser
    One dame called the other a fresser
    And by way of reply
    She did not deny
    That men always tried to undress her.

    A man who was coarse and uncouth
    Offended a woman named Ruth
    He drooled down her blouse
    And made fun of her spouse
    Who then knocked him all the way back to Duluth.

    A clown wore frightening makeup
    For a new kind of job that [he takes] up
    He sits in a chair
    All alone he sits there
    In fear that his grease paint might break up

    And now for some words quite absurd
    THIS limerick is about a bird
    It sits in a tree
    There, down by the sea
    And hourly drops down a turd.

    This morning I dreamed of a cow
    I saw it in bed with a sow
    Then a goat jumped in
    With a Dionysian grin
    So I left the room with a bow

    Last night I dreamed of an island
    Neither Greenland, New Zealand, nor Saipan
    It was misty and green
    And rather serene
    'Til students on spring break became all gland.

    A KGB agent named Putin
    Became sorta' high fallutin'
    He polished his shoes
    And began to peruse
    When eight black-masked men came in shootin'

    Beneath a broad tree lay a dragon
    Drinking a brew from a flagon
    Until he got shikker
    On that horrible likker
    And now his skin is saggin'

    A woman answered a call
    At an escort service in St. Paul
    It was a lewd request
    Which she met with great zest
    And serviced the team each one and all.

    A galloping Gael from Killarny
    Was just so full of the blarney
    he choked on his Guinness
    Not minding his bui'ness
    And now he's as purple as Barney.

    I'm thinking of having a drinky
    With a femme fatale quite slinky
    If our ink's not dry
    I'll sip on some rye
    While she smudges the ink with her pinky.

    I married a honey-glazed ham
    Realised that it was a scam
    I took it quite hard
    Then squeezed out the lard
    The remainder, I packaged as SPAMTM

    If people were not so impatient
    They'd hand all their work to an agent
    Hiring a PA
    Just might make your day
    And get you in print with less agin'

    In a fantasy kingdom one day
    A little fairy did say
    In all my back story
    There is lots of glory
    And my humor is naturally fey.

    Roman matron Frigida Neurosa
    Said to her slave: "come a bit closer"
    "And place your hand
    On my gland."
    "And sing me the Lacrimosa."

    The queen held a garden party
    But one of her guests was quite tarty
    Attempting to curtsy
    and being oh-so-flirtsy
    She boomed like Felix Pappalardi

    I once met a clown on a jet
    Who dared me to jump, on a bet
    I tripped on his shoe
    And he fell out too
    And I wish that we hadn't have met.

    There once was a girl with a patch
    Held to her face with a latch
    If you caught her eye
    And didn't say hi
    She'd quickly give you one to match

    A stunning young lady named Ruth
    Would frequently shake her caboose
    Her heinie wagged free
    Or, so sayeth me
    Until her pants worked their way loose.

    A shiny newcomer to Moscow
    Made note of all those that he would plow
    But maidens divine
    Only nuns on the line
    Said, "No way, no when, no why, no how."

    If you're ever in Kalamazoo
    And want to play a kazoo,
    Go sit in the park
    And chew on some bark
    And if people object, tell them "Foo!"

    A mysterious dude from the Bronx
    Lived on a diet of conchs
    His skin was clammy
    So he moved to Miami
    And was forever filled with angst.

    A sailor who was crude and immoral
    Wore cologne that was just slightly floral
    When thrown in the brig
    He soon danced a jig
    With two sheep and a pig--quite pastoral

    When I found my dog's house aflame
    At once I knew who was to blame
    The cat was the culprit
    Her smug face was guilt-writ
    And she felt not a shred of shame.

    A bull that bought a china shop
    Would often more than china drop
    He freaked at Lalique
    Then trashed his boutique
    If thumbs he did have, he might stop

    A man with one leg tried to run
    From an exceptionally horny nun
    He tripped on his stump
    And fell on his rump
    She leaped and then had some fun.

    A man who was rather aloof
    Was found fast asleep on his roof
    A pigeon had pooped
    Climbing up there he scooped
    He swooped and was gone with a poof.

    Chickens don't make the best pillows
    They're noisy and weigh several kilos
    They litter their bupkas
    With feathers, like chupkas
    And smell like rank armadillos.

    A mouse and a rhino were wed
    He wore a crown upon his head
    And said, "Look I'm horny."
    She replied, "Don't be corny!"
    And off they went to bed.

    There once was a frog named Joe
    Who fell in love with a doe.
    He wined her and dined her
    On snake and 'gator chowder
    Then slipped a ring on her toe.

    An atheist praying mantis
    Said, "This is how they all prayed on Atlantis.
    And at mating time
    Upside down he'd rhyme
    "Hesitate; please, let's wait." Would she grant this?

    A celibate dude from Montana
    Said, "Sex? I'd prefer a banana.
    The flesh, I'd unpeel
    Wouldn't moan, writhe or squeal
    And then take a trip to Havana.

    This limerick attempt is so lame
    I'd rather it bore not my name
    These words are not mine
    They send chills down my spine
    And fill me with dread and with shame.

    This limerick attempt is way cool.
    It proves that I'm nobody's fool.
    I write with a flair
    Daring any who share
    to send me back to writing school.

    For those who think writing is easy
    You'd do better playing parchesi
    Each word is a challenge
    Resistant as Stonehenge
    And some of it downright sleazy.

    Give me librium or give me meth
    Before I take my final breath
    In leaves of grass
    And arms of fair lass
    Ah, t'would be easeful death.

    There once was a hell of a drummer
    Who threw down his drumsticks one summer
    He stormed to the store
    To get ten pairs more
    At KFC--what could be dumber?

    The Great Wall of China is longer
    Than our southern border and stronger
    Than Arnold Schwartzenegger
    Moonshine in a keg or
    That big gorilla King Kong or . . .

    He said, "Give me five" then he fainted
    Not half the he-man he was painted
    He really did care
    Hated being thought square
    But now his reputation is tainted.

    A flexible fiddler from Cork
    Played with a good deal of torque.
    A saw was his bow
    It screeched like a crow,
    But he was heard all the way to New York.

    How dare you insult me?" said Luke.
    "So what if on you I did puke?
    Your bilious green
    Dress is really obscene,
    While my offense was but a fluke.

    Too many words make a poor rhyme
    (From top the bandwagon we chime!)
    With syllables galore
    And a syntax that's poor
    We'll be put in jail for our crime

    There was a young waitress named Belle
    Who served certain patrons too well
    Her tips were immense
    her smile, intense
    Which caused their mm-mms to swell

    A jaded young patron of pubs
    Said, "Why go to Subway for subs?"
    Just make a sandwich
    Of spinach and ham which
    They serve in Mayberry's best clubs.

    "Young man, when you're my age," said Gramp
    "You know life is one long boot camp"
    "Did I volunteer?"
    Said the young buccaneer.
    "No" said Gramp, "but don't act like a scamp."

    When Sam Coleridge lacked a good rhyme
    He said, "I'm for some down-time."
    He'd stare into space
    A blank look on his face
    And loquacious as a street mime.

    A voluptuous vixen from Vichy
    Was derided by some as too chichi
    She put on airs
    And demanded éclairs
    And wore perfume that smelled feeshy.

    A man with a penchant for tarts
    Was known far and wide 'round these parts.
    His tastes were flaky
    But never heart-breaky
    And more generous than all the old farts.

    A man with a penchant for tarts
    Was known far and wide 'round these parts.
    His tastes were flaky
    But never heart-breaky
    Except he left them all plenty of warts.

    Atop the old tower of Pisa
    A lovely Italian named Lisa
    Let down her long hair
    Brushed it with great flair
    And changed her name to Condaleeza

    An insolent Ibis from Karnak
    Drove a diesel pickup with a gun rack
    He encountered a frog
    Sitting atop a huge hog
    Like Cheney he gave them both flack

    Two Limericks were merged into one
    Who's that other sunuvagun?
    It's just too much work
    I'd rather just lurk
    While others attempt to have fun.

    Moe lives in a house made of candy
    A confectioner, he is quite handy!
    But he has a sweet tooth
    And to tell you the truth
    Moe is more than a little bit randy.

    A woman who lived on cheap gin
    Swore that gin put a grin on her chin
    She drank the full bottle,
    Sang, "Hey, diddle dottle!"
    Staggered out to the pool and fell in

    A perfectly mis'rable hermit
    Refused to get a cave permit,
    He scoffed at the law
    Deep inside the maw
    He decided to live here a bit.

    A fair maiden was once in peril
    From a disgusting and amorous squirrel
    He showed her his nuts
    And said, "Babe, I love sluts.
    Come to bed and let's give it a whirl!"

    I'm a writer of poetry and prose
    But I write best without any clothes
    In my cool private office
    I channel Chekhov. His...
    Dark, brooding style gets right up my nose.

    I was talking to Shakespeare last night
    When a sound outside gave me a fright
    "Who goest there?" I called
    Said a ghost, "I'm appalled!"
    And floated out of my sight.

    I once had boat at the pier
    It was almost as big as my rear
    I mean, like, gigantic
    Leaking and antique
    But amply provided with beer.

    One day in the life of a frog
    All smelly and wet in a bog
    He asked a fair princess
    If she had any mint sauce
    She did and shared his legs with a hog.

    A Viking appeared in the fens
    He slew every monk in the glens
    Then to Norway he sailed
    Where a mermaid he hailed
    Blew him off because of his wens.

    Let's redux the Farta from Sparta
    Those old Greeks had no Magna Carta
    They lived just for war
    And not oil-offshore
    Or the musical stylings of Sartre.

    Another day dawned on the prairie
    And Debbie went down to the dairy
    She bypassed Dallas,
    Went straight to Corvallis
    And slept with a dude who was hairy.

    A rooster who crowed at sunset
    Was slopped with the hogs and got wet
    He cried out, "Thou vile spawn!"
    "Tough!" They said with a yawn.
    "Swine like us give as good as we get."

    My Aunt Flo spent a week in the clink
    She did not bathe and started to stink
    It was all well planned
    We knew she'd be canned
    When she stole Lady Piffleworth's mink.

    This dude who was called Torquemada
    Applied the jarra, the rack, and strappada.
    Through auto-da-fe
    From day to day
    Screams were heard from Cadiz to Malaga.

    While Nero played his fiery fiddle
    Poppaea kept tickling his middle
    The Senate fumed
    While Congress bloomed
    But he stuck to his musical idyll.

    My future is not looking good’
    Said the Sheriff who met Robin Hood
    "The King is displeased
    And Sir Guy is diseased."
    "And my tights were lost in Sherwood"

    The Count of Monte Cristo plotted
    Revenge that turned twisted and knotted
    His victims unaware
    Lacking savoir faire
    Did suffer, though none got garotted.

    When Anna Karenina strayed
    Lucky Count Vronsky got laid
    But her husband swore
    he'd married no whore
    But of scandal he was afraid.

    The Musketeer known as D'Artagnan
    Was the Musketeers' newest companion
    His hair, worn in curls,
    Drove wild all the girls
    So he dined every day on filet mignon.

    Gad dang, said the old man, this bucket
    Of bolts wouldn't run on pure luck. It
    Sputtered and it spat
    And frightened the cat
    Who fled all the way to Nantucket.

    All students dislike Silas Marner
    Because it's a bore and a yawner
    They planned a revolt,
    Yelled, "George Eliot's a dolt!"
    And then, all the students were goners.

    Ode to my warm,egg/cheese Mcmuffin
    When not fresh you begin to toughen
    But zapped in the micro
    Its taste drove me loco
    Though I'd still prefer a McPuffin.

    The Corsican Brothers were weird
    They were really but sisters with beards
    If they'd ever shaved
    The hair they'd have saved
    Would have equaled a herd of sheep sheared.

    If the world has but seven great wonders
    And the gods don't make blunders
    But they do like to hoax
    And love cosmic jokes
    As they zap folks with lightnings and thunders.

    Raskolnikov's dangerous plan
    Would create a guilt-ridden man
    But he didn't know
    That his sin would grow
    Well, he should have fled to Kazan

    Now Grushenka was a hot babe
    But she couldn't bed Alyosha, called "Abe"
    He drank too much vodka
    Then called her a nafka (whore in Yiddish)
    And went back to his damned astrolabe.

    Elizabeth Bennet was smart
    Well read, well bred, and no tart
    She took Darcy's measure
    And gave him no pleasure
    Till he took control of her heart.

    Now, Heathcliff was brooding and grim.
    I say, what could a girl see in him?
    I say not a thing
    Let them have their fling
    And do whatever they want on a whim.

    The boy was thin and pale
    And no typically robust Gael
    The windy, cold winters
    Turned his bagpipes to splinters
    As he wandered o'er hill and dale.

    Miss Manners is full of advice
    On matters exact and precise
    Like what to say when
    And how to date men
    And how to be mean and seem nice

    A drum, a guitar, and a fiddle
    Were crammed o'er my head to my middle
    And then, with the bass
    and much gas I must pass
    It sounds nothing like "hey-diddle-diddle"!

    A walrus who ate too much salad
    Said, "Oh, now you think I look pallid.
    Just wait 'til you see"
    A thin little me
    like a malnourished Indian boy Khalid

    A Dong with a luminous nose
    Met a Ding with webbed fingers and toes
    But bells did not chime
    And mimes did not mime
    And scribbling does not count as prose.

    A man with a curious walk
    Had a meeting with Peter Falk
    A crime most foul
    He wore a towel
    And his victim was outlined in chalk.

    Messalina cuckolded Claudius
    Of his four wives, she was the bawdiest
    But 'tis said, when in Rome
    And in Gibbons' great tome
    Foolish empresses' ends are the shoddiest.

    Young Caligula ruled and went mad
    As a hatter, and acted the cad
    With his sister he dallied,
    Fell ill, briefly rallied,
    And was killed with surprise like his Dad.

    Old Vickie was none too amused
    Sans Albert, her humor was bruised
    Their love was eternal
    She wrote in her journal
    "O woes, wat a gud man i losed"
    (and thus, blinded by tears as she was, ushered in a new era!)

    My bicycle has a flat tire
    Which surely has raised my ire
    The road it was long
    From Seoul to Hong Kong
    And with no patch my way remained dire

    Mammatus clouds scared all the locals
    I thought it my chance to seem noble
    "To the cellar," I cried
    but everyone died
    Still wearing their cracked bifocals.

    When Kerouac took to the road
    The bourgeoisie he did goad
    His style was gritty
    running city to city
    As he spawned a new narrative mode.

    When Ginsberg decided to howl
    His critics declared him "most foul"
    lamenting the machine
    He motioned supreme
    These lines are making me growl,

    The Prisoner of Zenda complained
    "They can't even spell the book's name!"
    donroc repented,
    But Rassendyll consented [trying to get back to the plot]
    While Hentzau the trrue king detained.

    He once crossed swords with Scaramouche
    Moreau's hatred for him was farouche
    With a clever riposte
    Many swords are crossed
    Till Moreau wounds the dude with a whoosh.

    Dr. Jekyll worked late in his lab
    Extracting the bile from a crab
    He mixed it with guano
    And a bit of Romano
    And washed it down with aged Cab.

    Danton, Marat, and de Sade
    (All seen as decidedly odd)
    put rum in their shoes
    And then sang the Blues
    In the form of a wistful ballade.

    When Poe's raven finally croaked
    The poet depressedly toked
    He buried the bird,
    Nevermore to be heard,
    Then wrote about pendulums, stoked!

    Erroneous answers are banned
    Untruths break the laws of our land
    Tongues sporting a fork
    Have much wine uncorked
    But are soon dismissed out of hand

    Blue aliens dance in my yard
    Along with a tap dancing bard
    As Borogroves mimsey
    And toves, looking flimsy,
    Wallowing in buckets of lard.

    "The game is afoot," said S. Holmes
    "The woman has filched metronomes"
    "Now her mindless toe tapping
    "Has Scotland Yard napping
    And Watson updating the tomes

    Zarathushtra when he spoke
    Was a very wise-sounding bloke
    But it took Mr. Nietzsche,
    Whose writing could reach ya,
    To keep it from reading like hoke.

    If a cat kept a writer contented
    Not the standard – a writer demented
    Acting as her Familiar
    Few things are much sillier
    Than meowing that's heavily accented.

    A canine who wrote only dogma
    Said, "I'm far more astute than a frog, Ma."
    "I have read Descartes
    And know Hamlet by heart
    While singing Carl Orff accapella.

    The stuff dreams are made of can kill
    Just ask Mr. Spade, if you will
    That Maltese Falcon
    Had several fools stalkin'
    And many thugs shooting with skill.

    On arriving in Shangri-La
    A curious chap said, "Aha!"
    "Is that Kublai Khan?"
    "No, in Xanadu, man."
    "Do people get older here?" "Nah."

    When Christie invented Poirot
    Miss Marple said, "Cool, he's my bro'.
    But his weird mustache
    Has too much panache.
    I suspect that its color is faux."

    Captain Nemo developed a craft
    That he used on more than a raft
    It stayed under water,
    A sub-sea globetrotter,
    where he took all his sailors abaft.

    ‘Hang on to me bulwarks’ he cried
    When a great giant squid he espied
    "It was out of his league,"
    Said First Mate MacTeague,
    "But it was one helluva ride."

    The incredibly shrinking man
    Was alarmed when he shrank smaller than
    His wife's pinky
    Now do you think he
    Would puff up and say, "Yes I can"?

    "Let's go to the lighthouse," said Ginny
    "And I'll also invite Laura Linney.
    Mrs. Dalloway, too,
    She'll bring Fu Man Chu
    And the hitman we call Vinny."

    Ming the Merciless leered at Dale.
    "Flash can't save you. He's destined to fail!
    So you will be mine
    Sure as frog-hair is fine,
    Earth is weak! Mongo's might will prevail!"

    Blanche DuBois took a ride on a trolley
    To quench desire but met with folly
    named Stanley Kowalski.
    The desolate doll's key
    To happiness turned melancholy.

    Before sleeping,Nymtoc, post a line!
    To start a Limerick, oh so fine.
    And be literary
    Stop being contrary
    The words you type will be divine.

    Here's something really 'off the wall':
    A piece of sheet rock not too small
    Fell smack on my head
    While I read Sartre in bed,
    Thinking Simone de Beavoir might call.

    "Let's go and raise rabbits," said Lenny
    But George was listening to Jack Benny
    While Curley's young wife
    Was playing the fife
    And Steinbeck earned quite a pretty penny.

    Nick Adams encountered two killers
    The comics Jack Black and Ben Stiller.
    They had him in stitches
    With new movie pitches
    And a brand new play by Arthur Miller

    Antigone seemed very worried
    King Creon was pissed, so she hurried
    Along with Ismene,
    Who wore a pink beanie,
    For the elders whose favor was curried.

    Old Nostradamus had a vision
    Which he wrote, but not with precision
    One century at time
    In quatrains, with rhyme,
    Glimpsing TV in high definition.

    Mary Shelley once had a nightmare
    And wrote it, with plenty of fright there
    A monster was built
    Victor F. felt no guilt
    For the villagers he might scare.

    When Beethoven lost his hearing
    He began wearing one earring
    While Für Elise he composed
    His earring got hosed
    But his Ninth left the audience cheering.

    Mozart was precocious, they say,
    Played with many a lass in his day.
    His feet were small,
    But his pizzle enthralled
    And he wore a most splendid toupée.

    When Bach was young and baroque
    He was known as a mischievous bloke
    He trilled with his organ
    And sang, "Guten Morgen!"
    Oh, famous was he, it's no joke!

    Pretend you could dance on a pin
    And invite some friends to join in
    They better be angels
    Who jig like Bojangles,
    So tap-dancing fun can begin.

    My pelican won't eat a thing
    Unless he is served like a king
    Each fork and each spoon
    every morsel well chewn,
    "You," he says, "Bring my meals when I ring."

    Camille doesn't look very well
    After her incredibly long coughing spell.
    Armand brought her flowers
    But she hacked for six hours.
    Will she live? Only Dumas can tell.

    Mr. Faust made a deal with the Devil
    Then satyrs and nymphs they did revel
    All over the town
    Shades were drawn down
    But do Devils make deals on the level?

    "I hate this doll's house," grumbled Nora
    Very closed in was this little senora
    But for the plot's sake
    She took up her rake
    And hit the town wearing her fedora.

    Driven with purpose to settle her plot,
    She'd been working a helluva lot
    She reached for a drink
    Three pills: plink, plink, plink
    And that was as good as it got.

    Paul Bunyan was taller than most
    In a few strides he walked coast to coast
    His feet were flat
    He had not an ounce of fat
    But he had a blue ox to roast.

    When Popeye ate all his spinach
    From can to air he would pitch it
    He'd knock out old Bluto
    Danced like Menudo
    This rhyme should go straight to the clinics.

    Nijinsky could dance like a faun
    And make love like a Don Juan
    Which just goes to show
    That a Russian, you know,
    Is good for a night on the town.

    When in Brussels, we danced like the Belgians
    Or stood still like the Marbles from Elgins
    Or else, when we chose,
    A most erotic pose,
    Since those Belgians are perfectly swell gens.

    Genghis Khan knew a lot about war
    But he couldn't remember what for.
    So he scratched his head
    And then went to bed
    While his teddy bear sat on the floor.

    Sleeping Beauty lay down for a snooze
    After drinking a bit too much booze
    She dreamed of short guys
    With muscular thighs
    Who knew how to light Beauty's fuse.

    The Sugarplum Fairy felt crappy
    Which made the Rat King rather happy
    But times do change
    If you dance like Red Grange,
    Though the Nutcracker's always quite sappy.

    Poor Odette got turned into a swan
    And the ballet really made her yawn
    Besides, the cold water
    A sailor had shot her
    And her mate ran off with a fawn.

    Miss Havisham sat by the fire,
    Bitter, since every man was a liar,
    Her cake, old and rotted,
    Grew stale as she plotted
    To tie them all up in barbed wire!

    Old crusty, reclusive McGuire
    Counted his gold coins by the fire
    He put them away
    Then started to pray
    Until a thief strangled him with a wire.

    Sam Spade asked Effie, "Where's Miles?"
    Effie said, "Let me check in the files.
    There's a woman named Bridget,
    That doll made Miles fidget
    And he fell for her wiles and her guiles.

    Caspar Gutman and Joel Cairo
    Sought the bird. Neither one was a tyro
    It's the stuff dreams are made of
    And thieves are afraid of
    Which Sam Spade explained well in his bio.

    Talleyrand arranged a swift coup,
    And Napoleon said, "Merci beaucoup"
    But it all went awry
    When he aimed way too high
    And took bribes from the Austrians, too.

    When the Beatles dispensed with Pete Best
    Ringo Starr drummed in with great zest
    Then John, George and Paul
    Geared up for the long haul
    And for that I would say we were blessed.

    A ghoulish old chap was Bram Stoker!
    We know about his love for Poker.
    He also loved liquor.
    If not for his ticker
    He might have become a stock broker!

    Gwendoline Madeline Potts
    For whom one old man had the hots
    He lifted her skirt
    She ripped off his shirt
    And gawked at his unsightly spots.

    A man who had fondled a goat
    Was silenced by a frog in his throat
    The frog then spoke
    Produced a loud croak
    Heard from Santa Fe to Roanoke

    A speech writer penned words eternal
    For Lord Satan with phrases infernal
    He wrote it so well
    He got out of hell
    and shacked up with a cross-dressing Colonel.

    I fell down a very deep hole
    Without my very own soul.
    I bought one on line;
    It got here on time.
    Wow -- life can be downloaded whole!

    The amount of bad fiction in forums
    would strain the largest of quorums
    Too much tell and no show
    Too much prose that's de trop
    And the was and as hordes -- we deplore 'em.

    An avatar is a wee picture
    With sound that bears no Richter
    They give a little smile
    but, all the while
    Obey the site's size stricture.

    If lolcats voted Republican
    And dressed up like a pelican
    They'd look like birds
    And a little like nerds
    As unwed teens claim "Because I can"

    A weatherman faced Gustav's fury
    And said, "It's the storm of the century."
    He fell over
    a four-leaf clover
    He’d spent far too much time in the brewery

    Don’t try to stop me I’m going
    Far away first class in a Boeing
    I'll take a good book
    About Captain Hook
    Where the Lost Boys evade him by rowing.

    The day Sadie Thompson said, "Hi!"
    Several Dogpatch men wished they would die.
    The race would soon start
    And each man did his part
    Until a severe RAIN(hint regarding first line) came bye the bye. Sadie hawkins?????

    Moonbeam McSwine was a babe
    In the eyes of a farmer called Abe
    Until she pigged out
    and twisted Salome's snout
    But Daisy Mae knew how to behave.

    ["abe" rhymes are few and far between. ]

    Joe Btfsplk had terrible luck
    His Internet came all unstuck
    He called the Geek Squad
    Who found him quite odd
    A schlemiel, schmendrick, and a schmuck.

    Sarah Palin field-skinned a moose,
    "I'm a hockey mom" was her excuse
    "I give my kids names
    For hunting type games
    Tis a shame now that they're all on the loose.

    There once was a man from the coast,
    Of California where he would boast
    Of his world-famous wines
    While ignoring French whines
    He would offer an uncultured toast.

    There once was a man from the coast,
    Who had an unusual boast;
    He claimed he had wings
    Among other things
    Which made him a notable host.

    There was a young lady from Kerry
    Who took a long ride on a ferry
    With three Irish rogues
    Who wore green Irish brogues
    It was more fun than watching the telly!

    Young Phil was a man of bad habits
    He ran around chasing white rabbits
    When he caught one he
    Would giggle with glee
    Which shocked the conservative Babbitts.

    When Coriolanus got banished
    The plebeians asked "Why has he vanished?"
    "I want Rome to fall,"
    Which cast a great pall
    Until he was finally out-mannished.

    Elmer Gantry said, "Come and be saved!"
    Between bottles of booze he had craved.
    As he plucked out a cork,
    He said "What a dork!
    Unashamed of the way he behaved.

    Lady Brett never turned down a drink
    In Pamplona she caused a great stink
    But one day by the pool
    She broke her own rule
    To not give a hoot what we think.

    My daughter just left on a bus
    I think she craved more of a fuss
    Big city lights
    And partying nights
    And high-decibel rock were a plus.

    How come Mick can't get no satisfaction?
    He just sings it to get crowd reaction.
    His CDs go gold
    And his crew grows old
    But they're still a stellar attraction.

    "A smile and a shoeshine," said Willy,
    "Makes up for no sales in old Philly."
    His sons Biff and Happy
    Said his life was crappy.
    His ending was tragic and chilly.

    Aristophanes wrote about frogs
    And George Orwell wrote about hogs
    E.B. White's little mouse
    Was the pride of the house
    but Disney drew large spotty dogs

    The wicked Cruella de Ville
    Always went in for the kill
    But some clever Dalmatians
    Helped by two big Alsatians
    Brought her calculations to nil.

    Pinocchio had one desire
    His heart and his loins were afire.
    "I'm not a mere toy
    I should be a real boy,
    And my nose? Well, that's 'cause I'm a liar."

    "Seven roommates? Oh,dear!" said Snow White.
    "I do hope they don't stay up all night.
    That snoring and sneezing
    And grumping while wheezing
    Is gross. But that apple's so bright!"

    Bambi's mom met a man and got shot
    She was left in the forest to rot.
    Then came Thumper and Flower
    to that blood-spattered bower
    And boy! What a feast they have got!

    I saw Obama's wife on Ellen dancing
    Surprised at the moves she was chancing.
    That won't change my vote
    And since I don't emote,
    My oinions will not be enhancing.

    If I hear one more political rhyme
    I'll commit an unspeakable crime
    I’ll dip my wick in the gravy
    Then maybe - just MAYBE
    I'll get away with it this time.

    If everyone posted a chapter
    and we all perhaps tried to adapt a
    clear style and voice
    through intelligent choice
    we could finish up writing a book together, but fall out over artistic differences, argue over royalties, then it would all end rather messily in the law courts and definitely not happy ever…


    "I’m sore," said the schoolmistress sadly
    The morning had started quite badly
    With coffee a-spillin'
    She was almost unwillin'
    But soon came to frolic quite madly.

    A man with his arm in a sling
    said ‘Hello – I’m Emperor Ming
    And you must be Flash
    If that Dale is your pash
    Do you know "Auld Lang Syne?" Let's all sing.'

    When Buck Rogers set foot on Mars
    He met a green creature called Lars,
    A pet of John Carter
    A poet and auteur
    Who'd lost his way hopping 'tween stars.

    When the congressman said to the bun
    Of his best looking intern, "What fun."
    She responded in style
    With a beguiling smile,
    "Come closer, you son of a gun!"

    A grocer with very large ears
    Bought twenty six crates of mixed beers,
    A large tin of ham
    And some strawberry jam
    Which he gave to his saucy cashiers.

    When Melville was starting his book
    He had Ishmael sharpening a hook
    Then Queequeg appeared
    And he asked, "Who has steered?"
    Melville answered: "Just go take a look!"

    Last Wednesday, when reading some Keats
    My sister tripped over two seats
    She flopped on her belly
    And began to read Shelley
    While admiring Frankenstein's feats.

    e.e.cummings had problems with caps,
    and when he wrote them took long naps
    in a pretty how town
    he dressed in a gown
    And with the goat-footed balloon man ran laps.

    The last of the Mohicans was sad
    that the palefaces were all so bad
    Cora's death was a shame
    for which I'm not to blame
    So let's celebrate in Trinidad.

    There once was an octopus cousin
    Who had not eight arms but a dozen
    He was at Bikini
    Where some bomb blasts--not teeny--
    Left most of his relatives buzzin'

    When Willie padlocked his gym locker
    to conceal a halloween shocker
    Denise came along
    With a red velvet thong
    - a gift from a grateful Joe Cocker.

    'Could you give me a hand with this moose?
    In Alaska the moose are profuse.'
    "You field-skin 'em this way."
    'Can I sell that on Ebay?'
    ‘Aye - it can hang on the wall of ye hoose.’

    'Could you give me a hand with this moose?
    In Alaska the moose are profuse.'
    "You field-skin 'em this way."
    'Can I sell that on Ebay?'
    "It's perfect to adorn my caboose!"

    It's getting right down to the wire
    That has everybody on fire
    Whether plain or with cheese,
    What’s wrong with MY LINE please?????
    It sucks. Can't you write something slyer?

    There once were three men in a tub
    In a specialised men only club
    Said the first to the second
    "It's worse than I reckoned
    Now who'll give my feet a good rub?

    An itinerent, name of John Casey,
    Ate a mushroom and got really spacey
    He ripped off his clothes
    And licked all his toes
    Then chased girls at the local J.C.

    Andre, the amorous aardvark
    Couldn't travel too far in the dark
    He extended his tongue
    And located the bung
    Of a wine cask of Pinot de Marque

    An accountant looked down and he sighed
    That God damned spam email had lied
    Instead of five million
    Or seventeen trillion,
    He got an amusement park ride.

    Lost love is the saddest of all
    when it ends in an eye-gouging brawl
    But the saddest bit yet
    Is she left with my pet
    And my beautiful blue bowling ball.

    Felicia went fishing one day
    With a babe who looked like Tina Fey
    But then she found out
    that no fish were about...
    So they ended up playing croquet.

    A villain called Simon Legree
    Ran for Congress in Missouri
    Out of respect or fear
    And promise of beer
    He jumped into the Mississippi

    When Suzie the floozie comes callin'
    The boys o'er their feet go fallin'
    They vie for a chance
    For a little romance
    And the lonelies go crawlin' home bawlin'.

    [... continued.]
    Last edited by Pthom; 02-09-2013 at 04:04 AM. Reason: added limericks
    ~ Vita Brevis, Ars Longa ~

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