"a bit unnatural"

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Jack_Roberts

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Well, make that one Full is still out there. I finally got my rejection from Writer's House. One linme confused me though.

"This is a unique concept and we found Annabelle and Roland to be
interesting, relatable characters. That said, we're concerned that the
narrative comes across as a bit unnatural at times. It is with this in
mind that I'm afraid we're going to have to pass. Ultimately, after
careful consideration, Mr. X just wasn't as enthusiastic about this
manuscript as he needs to be in order to take on a new project. As you
know, these decisions are highly subjective, and another agent may have
a completely different opinion."

My very first beta wanted me to use contractions in the narative. He said it sounded "unnatural" without them. So this...

She couldn't understand.

instead of this...
She could not understand.

I did not listen becuase I always heard that was wrong. Maybe it's ok after all?

Maybe this is what they meant, too?

Anyone have an idea what "a bit unnatural" means?

Thanks.
 

Siddow

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Hey, you got a full read at Writers House!

I do think narrative without contractions reads a little...stiff. So that could be it. But that seems easily enough fixed with editing, so I can't really see that it could be the entire reason.

Good luck with the other full!
 

clara bow

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sorry about the rejection. I'd seek a few other opinions regarding the "unnatural" (?!) narrative, but also you don't want to give agents any excuse to reject you (er...speaking from experience here). Good luck with the next agent.
 

juneafternoon

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I'd definitely get more opinions on this. But yes, typically, when I see no contractions I think it does sound unnatural. That said, don't go over board and annihilate everything that's not in contractions.

At any rate, you got a full ride to Writers House! That's something to be very proud of.

Good luck on that full! Tell us how it goes.
 

donut

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"Unnatural" could mean absolutely anything, so I don't think you can be sure it's the lack of contractions that bothered them. Honestly, I think this criticism is so vague as to be completely useless... Kind of like my rejection from Writers House, which said my MS "didn't strike hard enough magic," whatever the hell that means.

That said, there's definitely no law against using contractions in narrative. Generally speaking, you shouldn't use contractions in critical essays, academic papers, and formal writing -- but there are no such rules for fiction. If you want to keep your work contraction-less, that's your stylistic choice, but no one will fault you for the occasional "wasn't".
 

Moon Daughter

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Sorry about the rejection. Unfortunately, I can't give you any advice on this because I'm not sure what the agent meant by "unnatural". Don't worry though...there are plenty of other agents in the sea...well...on land anyways.
 

Jack_Roberts

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I'd be willing to even get an agent in the sea! I wonder if Aquaman or Namor are agents?

At any rate, thanks guys. I think I'll read it through and put in some contractions. After all, that's how I speak and the naritive should be natural sounding.
 

IceCreamEmpress

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Those "rules" like "don't use contractions" and "don't say 'said'" are so toxic, in my opinion. I really want to send wormy apples to all the teachers who force-feed that crap to students.

I think that revising with an eye to loosening up is probably a good thing to do, even if that wasn't the thing this particular agent was turned off by. If I got a manuscript with no contractions in it, I'd think it was trying to be The Great Vulcan Novel.
 

veinglory

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I would understand 'unnatural' as stilted, unrealistic--the sort of prose that is a little difficult to read aloud/takes a little effort to read.
 

Will Lavender

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Those "rules" like "don't use contractions" and "don't say 'said'" are so toxic, in my opinion. I really want to send wormy apples to all the teachers who force-feed that crap to students.

I think that revising with an eye to loosening up is probably a good thing to do, even if that wasn't the thing this particular agent was turned off by. If I got a manuscript with no contractions in it, I'd think it was trying to be The Great Vulcan Novel.

Exactly. The no contractions rule is the stupidest one in the book. We have contractions in the English language, use them. (But, like anything else, don't overuse them.)

HOWEVER, if your novel is a historical or told in an otherwise erudite manner by your narrator, you may want to be careful.
 

Will Lavender

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Hmm. Thanks guys. I know the two times I read it out loud I had to concentrate on not using contractions. I'll make it more natural this next time.

Jack, I'm not sure that the agent was talking about this.

I think you should feel free to use contractions, as I said above. But when the agent says the the narrative feels unnatural, I don't think he's talking about language. If that were the case, I think he would have pointed out that your style, your voice, or your writing felt unnatural.

When the agent calls into question the smoothness of a narrative, usually what they're talking about is either the way you move from scene to scene and tie the narrative together, or your basic plot points. To be "natural" is to be seamless, and there are a lot of stories that aren't seamless: they're clunky, they move in ham-handed manners from one scene to the next, the characters seem to be acting just for the sake of moving the story from place to place rather than how they should really act.

In my opinion, this is what the agent is pointing out.
 

DeadlyAccurate

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Hmm. Thanks guys. I know the two times I read it out loud I had to concentrate on not using contractions. I'll make it more natural this next time.

If you're fighting against a natural voice, that comes across in the text. I'm not saying that's what the agent was talking about, though.

I've never heard the "no contractions" rule before, except in certain types of nonfiction. It doesn't even make sense.
 

Saundra Julian

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I'm not going to get into the "contraction-no contractions-fight" but isn't your story set in a historical era? If so, I agree with your decision.

Sorry about your rejection but if you were thatclose keep subbing, my friend!
 

IceCreamEmpress

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Exactly. The no contractions rule is the stupidest one in the book. We have contractions in the English language, use them. (But, like anything else, don't overuse them.)

HOWEVER, if your novel is a historical or told in an otherwise erudite manner by your narrator, you may want to be careful.

Well, it depends what period you're talking about if it's an historical novel. For heaven's sake, there are contractions in Shakespeare! I hate hate hate reading historicals set in the 17th or 18th century with no contractions--that's not how people spoke then, and that's not how they wrote, either, except in very formal contexts.


Jack/Scott, when is your story set? And where? And what are your characters' backgrounds?
 
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Jack_Roberts

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Thanks guys.

I may be wrong, but the speech is normal. I don't use modern slang or modern words and a lot of the speech I cross check to make sure the words came after the era.

The contraction problem isn't in the speech (I use them there) but instead the question is whether the narrator should use them. The narrator voice is a general one. This is from 3rd person perspective. I don't use any contractions there but I'm going to relax it and add contractions.

The period is 1690s. It takes place in a made-up town in Colonial Connecticut. The town has to be made-up because of events in a later book. Annabelle and Roland are London children whom just moved to the wilds of the Colony. Their father was a book binder and encouraged his children to read (an unheard of thing in those days). He would give Ann “rough cuts” of various books because she loves reading. Roland hates reading and studying. All he wants is adventure. Days after they arrived, an evil vampire kills their parents. His estranged vampire wife takes them in, changes them into vamps and raises them in her cabin in the woods.

I set the first book 300 years ago to give them plenty of history to discover with the readers. Towards the end of the first book we meet the Mohegan Indians and visit Salem during the trails. They will have to deal with the evil vampire lord and his minions with history as a setting.

I’m very concerned about what Will said.

“When the agent calls into question the smoothness of a narrative, usually what they're talking about is either the way you move from scene to scene and tie the narrative together, or your basic plot points. To be "natural" is to be seamless, and there are a lot of stories that aren't seamless: they're clunky, they move in ham-handed manners from one scene to the next, the characters seem to be acting just for the sake of moving the story from place to place rather than how they should really act.”

If it’s clunky, then I’m unaware of it. This sounds like a big problem. I’ll change whatever I need to (without hurting the spirit, theme of the story) but I’m so unclear as to what mine personally needs. I’ve had a bazillion betas. Each one has their own opinion and a lot is based on what they personally feel. That doesn’t mean it’s correct or what will keep this at the agent’s office.

I’ve been told its “stilted” and “unnatural”. I just wish I could get someone to explain HOW it’s those things.
 

Voyager

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Scott, bear in mind that the agents, even the dream ones, are just people. It's all, as they say, subjective and they're going to have as many opinions and preferences as your betas. The trick is finding the right fit. Sorry it wasn't writer's house.

I'm just confused as to why you feel that the narrator shouldn't use contractions. Usually with me, it's the other way around. I write urban fantasy and the more ancient characters use little or no contractions, while the narrator tends to have a voice similar to my own, as if I were telling the story. Just a thought, but maybe if you tried to narrate in a way that you would normally speak it might work better. It's worth a try.
 

Jack_Roberts

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Scott, bear in mind that the agents, even the dream ones, are just people. It's all, as they say, subjective and they're going to have as many opinions and preferences as your betas. The trick is finding the right fit. Sorry it wasn't writer's house.

I'm just confused as to why you feel that the narrator shouldn't use contractions. Usually with me, it's the other way around. I write urban fantasy and the more ancient characters use little or no contractions, while the narrator tends to have a voice similar to my own, as if I were telling the story. Just a thought, but maybe if you tried to narrate in a way that you would normally speak it might work better. It's worth a try.

I think you hit it on the head. I originally used the contractions like it was just me telling the story, but I removed them becuase a beta said it was improper.
I'm putting them back.
 

DonnaDuck

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I'm sorry about your rejection, Jack, but you're leaps and bounds ahead of me when it comes to submitting!

That say, I have to agree with Will the most that the editors were refering to the flow of the voice itself as opposed to the mechanics of something like contractions. If it's something that worries you a lot, especially if you've gotten so many different viewpoints, why not post a piece of it in SYW and specifically ask people what they think of the voice or if they find anything 'unnatural' about it. Make them aware of what you're looking for in the edit that way you'll be able to pinpoint exactly what it is that this "unnatural" is attached to.
 

IceCreamEmpress

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I think you hit it on the head. I originally used the contractions like it was just me telling the story, but I removed them becuase a beta said it was improper.
I'm putting them back.


Good. I mean, that may not be what was "unnatural" to that one reader, but if it feels "unnatural" to you (and it sounds like it does, because you changed it out of fear that it was "improper") it's probably well worth changing back.

I would encourage you to read the whole book aloud and flag the places where it feels uncomfortable to YOU when you're reading it. It's your voice, after all, and you know what's natural to you (I mean, yes, of course it's a narrative persona, but it has to be a narrative persona YOU feel comfortable in).

And I think you should feel totally psyched about how much progress you're making. You've gotten over a bunch of hurdles to get where you are--an encouraging rejection from a major agency is getting awfully close to the bulls-eye!
 

Jack_Roberts

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Very good advice.

You guys are right. I can feel so close! And these agents are starting to sound like the readers. You know, those people who want to read your book, read it and then want the next one right away? I've got two 5th grade classes full and some adults, too. If only the agents could want it like that as well.

They did like it. I'm just so close. I wish there was this little thing here or there that I could define.

Well, I'll read it through out loud. I've got a few more people looking at it, too.

I just want to share Ann. Get her out into the world where she could lend bravery and courage to children out there.

I'll just keep at it.
 
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