The "I'm sorry" thread

...I knew you didn't like your job, so I figured this was a quick way to get you fired.

I'm sorry I told your boss you collaborated closely with Jeffrey Epstein, but...

....you've always strived to be the center of attention. This will certainly fulfill that need for...years.

I'm sorry I replaced your stairs with a long metal slide, but.........

...it allows you a much more dramatic entrance.

I'm sorry I fed the caviar to the dog, but...

..the can really did look like dog food. And besides, it contains all natural ingredients...

I'm sorry I took the vacuum bag out of your old vacuum before you used it, but...

"...I vacuumed the whole house for you first."

I'm sorry I have to fire you, but...

I'm sorry I have to fire you, but it is better and safer than setting you on fire.

I'm sorry I forgot the baby in the car, but...

....you're too old to play with dolls anyway. Fyi, I also left it's "bottle" at home in the fridge, but I will, however, change it's diaper.

I'm sorry I hid all of the garbage and recycling in the basement for a month instead of putting it at the curb like I was supposed to, but....

...I thought it would be fun to find out what it smelled like.

I'm sorry I told the Fire Department that you were an arsonist, but...

...but your enthusiasm for fire starter, kindling, lighter fluid, and your giant pile of sawed lumber, has not gone unnoticed. Do you really need all of this accoutrements to burn a hamburger? I guess that would be a 'yes'.

I'm sorry I nailed the living room coo coo clock shut and after setting it to go off every 15 minutes, but...

...it sounds so nice, don't you think?

I'm sorry I put that sign on your lawn reading "FREE EATS TODAY!" but...

I'm sorry I put that sign on your lawn reading "FREE EATS TODAY!" but You were afraid no one would come to your anniversary.

I'm sorry I didn't pay attention to the expiry dates while shopping, but...

....you really are so much better at these things aren't you? I tried... really.

I'm sorry I scratched up your sun glasses by cleaning them with a scouring pad, but....

...considering how things are these days, I thought you'd like a little interference between yourself and reality.

I'm sorry I scammed you into supporting my phony "Save the Barflies" charity, but...

....given your very enthusiastic, personal interest it was the only way I could think of making you look charitable. (Now how about a few bucks for my "Keep the Supersize-It" burger action group....that one's for real....I promise...)

I'm sorry I told my family that you were a vegan, even though you're a carnivore extraordinaire, before you came over for Thanksgiving dinner, but.....

...I accidently threw the turkey in the river while using it as a football so I had to convince my mom to serve a meatless meal.




I'm sorry I threw your daughter in the back of a garbage truck but...

She was just a doll that your parents gave you when you were little.

I'm sorry that I didnt finish my project but...

.. my dog ate my milestones.

Sorry I didn’t attend your latest dish-spinning mime show, but ..

Sorry I didn’t attend your latest dish-spinning mime show, but my wife nearly had a heart attack when I described what it was about.

I'm sorry I don't feel sorry about last night which I don't remember, but...

I'm sorry I didn't take your 1978 futon to the dry cleaners, but I don't know who you are so disregard.

I'm sorry your trip to the moon was so unenjoyable, but....

...you should have remembered to wear a spacesuit.

I'm sorry I drained your tropical fish aquarium, but...

... you did promise me sushi for dinner if I helped you.

I'm sorry all of your relatives and friends said they'll "Be out of town" on Thanksgiving, but ...

... making a Hungry Man dinner and watching the Lions is way better than making excuses for your drunk Uncle.

I’m sorry you found the pumpkins too thick to carve, but ..

...this chainsaw should do the trick.

I'm sorry you watch only one TV channel, but...

I'm sorry you watch only one TV channel, but...Who am I kidding? I'm not sorry about that! You well know there are other TV channels but you are to stupid to push the buttons.

I'm sorry Fred couldn't make it to your marriage, but...