I'm sick of obsessing over writing the perfect query, so I decided to write a really, really awful one.

It's fun and you should try it. Here's my howler. Post yours and rep points shall follow (assuming it is dreadful enough).



Dear man or woman whose name I canít be bothered to learn

I donít need an agent, cause yíall donít do nothing but suck 20% off the top of my earnings, but Iíve decided Iím too important to handle the meaningless details, so Iím going to offer you the chance of a lifetime.

If you answer fast enough, Iíll allow you to represent me. Iím not going to give you a synopsis for my Great American Novel because itís literary fiction and probably way over your head.

GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL is 350,000 words of deathless prose comparable to Herman Melville and Janet Evanovich. Do you want my full manuscript by email or will you be picking it up in person?

If you donít respond to this query in two days and forward it to at least seven other agents, bad luck will follow. Donít let me get away. Iím the catch of a lifetime.

Checking my watch and awaiting your reply,

Great Writer