The Bad Query Thread

ad_lucem

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Dear Most Wondermous Sparkly Writing Guru of Brewster Literary, Inc.,

I have directed this missive into your capable hands after receiving instructions from the channelled spirit Xenadupoop the 3rd of the 10th dimension.

He is most insistant that together we secure publishing of his religious guidelines for humanity (in 20 parts, 300 chapters). This task is of the upmost importance to the future of human and monkey kind--of which Mr. Xenadupoop is most terribly fond. (We produce his favorite TV shows, which he watches via transdimensional satelite.)

I have included a full copy of the works attached to this e-mail (I hope you don't mind--it is a roughly 1 gig PDF).

Most humbly and dutifully yours,
Scribe to the Most High Xenadupoop the 3rd of the 10th Dimension,

Stan
 

Snowstorm

Baby plot bunneh sniffs out a clue
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Dear Sr or Madam,

Please read my non--fiction self-help book "1,000 crafts for your toenail clippings." This is a handy book to everyone since we all have to clip our toenails!

Enclosed please find is the book. Each craft is dedicated to it's own page with an accompanying photo of the completed craft.

Very sincerly,
Stephanie
 

Rebekah7

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Dear -insert name here-

I'm sure you're just expecting another stale story from some boob who couldn't be bothered to even learn your name, and has nothing of value to offer. Rest assured, I am a hard working writer, and I have plenty of experience from writing letters to the editor to my local paper (I have enclosed some newspaper clippings as proof.)

My 300,000 page novel, "Alice the flea and the Electronic Elephant" is the most unique story ever written. It is a fantasy/mystery/romance/horror written as a piece of experimental fiction. I've enclosed the whole manuscript, because I know that you're going to want to read every word.

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

I. C. Deadpeople
 

Samsonet

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Dear Agent:

May I present you with a book about the mental breakdown of a rejected writer, written as a series of agent query letters? The writing world wil love it ;) and it is most definitely not stolen no matter what my bratty sister says!

Yours,
E. H. Rice
 

Night_Writer

It's all symbolic.
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Dear Agent,

I had a long conversation with my imaginary friend, and she says that you are the perfect agent for my 500,000 word novel about a homeless woman who is being chased by her spirit guides through this really goth town full of ghosts and dead people and stuff. I think the genre is paranormal romance. (It's romance cuz one of the dead people really really likes her, lol.)

This would make an incredible movie. I'll let you represent me if you can get a hot handsome hunk to play the dead person, and Chris Nolan to direct. Just don't let Seth Rogen in it cuz he'll smoke all my weed and stuff.

Call me. You won't be sorry. Or maybe you will, but that won't be my fault.

Ms. Excellent Author
 

Zeddo

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Dear Agent

My 120,000-word novel Sores is about Henry Sadsack, a man afflicted with skin problems covering 98% of his body. He is forced to deal with open sores, weeping sores, septic sores, and sores which travel from place to place. Just when he thinks things can't get any worse, he finds he has fungal infections which are highly contagious. This fictional novel is based on my real life experiences and contains many colored plates which really boost the dramatic passages! You will go WOW! when you read it.

Sores has obvious series potential: I'm already halfway through Scabs, and will follow that with Rashes.

Oh, you may want to wear gloves when you read the Ms.

I.M Scratching
 

lianna williamson

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To Mr. Kamila Rabah,

Wow, that's kind of a weird name lol. But, seriously are you an Arab? That might be an issue for me. I was in 2nd grade when 9/11 happened and it TOTALLY freaked me out. Ever since then, I just don't like Arab people much, no offense if you are one lol. But I'm not racist AT ALL. One of my friends is half Chinese. I think. Maybe it's one of those other ones, like Japanese. Who can tell right? lol

Anyway, I wrote this book, called My summer love triangle. It's about this girl named Kayli whose really, really pretty but not stuck up about it. And there's these two guys who both are in love with her. The first guy is named Ty Devonshire, he kind of looks like Justin Bieber before his hair got weird. He's a nice guy who does well in school, but isn't like a geek or anything. He plays soccer and stuff. And then the other guy is named Jayden Cross, and he's like a skater guy, except he doesn't skate, he just looks like a skater guy. He's the bad boy. Both guys are in love with Kayli and want her to go out with them, but WHICH ONE WILL SHE CHOOSE??? That's the big question in the story.

Oh, and there's also Kayli's best friend, named Tiara, who is totally jealous of the two guys liking Kayli so much because she likes Ty and used to go out with Jayden in 8th grade.

My high school cretive writing teacher told us to write what we know a lot about, so this is totally the perfect book for me to write because believe me I know all about having two guys in love with you and your best friend being jealous over it.

The book is 78 and a half pages long, double spaced. The font is kind of big though so it'll probs be less when you make it into a real book.

Okay, that's all for now,

Kailee Johnson xxx ooo <3
 

lizo27

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To whom it may concern,

I'm sure you're very important and busy, but it may interest you to know that contained in the .txt file I've attached to this e-mail is a 300,000-word rewrite of War and Peace. It is a genius work that transplants that classic of Russian literature into an American high school. It transcends genre, copyright, and submission guidelines. But you won't bother to read it.

Yours Truly,
A. Writer
 

abdall

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Dear Senpai -

Everything hurts and I tried so hard so I decided that it's best to just be honest. I wrote this thing. I think it's alright. It sucked the life and soul out of me so please like it. Being a grown ass woman I can only cry so much before I decided to set everything on fire so extinguish my anguish and help me feel something besides despair when it comes to this writing thing. I don't have much, but in exchange, I can give you a bag of Cheetos and you'll be given permission to pet my cats as much as you want.

Help me.

Sincerely, someone you've never heard of and will probably immediately forget.
 

Drachen Jager

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Hey dude.

I hope it's okay I called you dude. I'm sending out like a million of these, so I said, fuck it, why personalize them, am I right? Anyhoo, just firing my 'ol jizz cannon into the ether, hoping some of it will splatter into the right crevice.

The book I wrote is really graet. It's got aliens and cavemen on dinosars fighting for the earth. It's going to be a blockbuster movie, I shit you not. I really think, you know, even though it's fiction, my book could be real. It explains how the Egyptians built the pyramids and Stonehange and lots of other bullshit like that.

Well I know you're buzy regecting lots of hard working writers and crushing dreams and all that fucking garbage, so I won't keep you too long. Let me know when I cn expect the firt royalty cheks k?
 

Kjbartolotta

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omg i didn't know this thread existed.

Dear Agent Bastard

Since real literature is ignored in favor of trendy causes, I have decided to write a YA novel. It is about a Mary Sue who meets an older wizard who gives her advice constantly, even when she doesn't ask for it. Eventually they get married. YA is an inherently easy genre to write in and is basically derived from a formula. I also do not read YA.

Signed,

A. Whyteguy


PS- I also have a Youtube following.
 
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Nymtoc

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Dear Agent,

Consider yourself lucky, becaue I have selected YOU to be the first to read my original 1,810-page novel.You have never seen anything like it, believe me! Mortimer is a 107-year-old hermit who discovers a way to suspend gravity! Since no one will believe him, he robs bamkls till he gets enough money to go ahead with his project! In his gravity-defying spaceship he takes off for Mars, and there, he meets up with Amelia Earhart, Jack the Ripper and Al Capone, and they start growing beets. But soon an evil race of six-tentacle Titanians tries to muscle in on their game, and--this is where it really gets exciting! There is lots of violence, and that results in the beets getting squashed and their juice running all over the place. (That's why Mars is red--get it?)

I have included an appendix with 100 beet recipes.

Respectfully,

Barthomew Jingleberry Murdison III
 

starrystorm

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YA is an inherently easy genre to write in and is basically derived from a formula. I also do not read YA.

:roll:

ETA: My computer wouldn't let me type before, so I'm adding now that I could totally see someone doing this. It breaks my YA writer heart!
 
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Chris P

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred
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To whomever may be concerned by such a matter as this:

One significant niche market heretofore not duly exploited to the full commercial benefit of both author and publisher (benefits to said author's agent going beyond the point to which it is productive to state) is one such that appeals to lovers of language, such as yourself as mentioned in your weblog missive of the fourteenth of June, two thousand and ten and nine. Forthwith, and pursuant to the noted dearth and your amenability and indulgence, my indubious pleasure is to submit humbly for your consideration the product of much effort, born of inspiration wrested from a lifelong striving toward capturing the elegance of the written word in its innumerable facets, the manuscript enclosed within this cover.

Awaiting the pleasure of your reply,
I remain your servant

Phineas Quinton MacMaster O'Shea (Esq.)
 

Drachen Jager

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Hey Cutie,

I saw your picture on the agency website. You know if you let down your hair and took the glasses off you'd be downright sexy. My book isn't even finished yet, but I figured you and I could go out, you know, get a few drinks, see what happens. I know you nerdy book girls don't get out much so I can show you a good time, if you know what I mean. If things work out, maybe you can rep my book later.

attachment: myhugedick.jpg
 

Azdaphel

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Dear agent,

I'm the reincarnation of Terry Pratchett and a pure genius when it comes to humour. You don't need to read my book to know it's the best fantasy parody ever written.

Terredic Junior Brat Chetz
 

M.S. Wiggins

"The Moving Finger writes..."
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Hi Agent #72,

Sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. That’s all.

Lemme know if you’re interested.

Sincerely loosely losing steam,
Rejected Writer #10, 926
 
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Niki03

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Sup Agenty Person,

I totes wrote this book this morning that was based on this dream I had where this dude was, like, chasing me though the swamp thingy behind the old mall and I was like "woah!" but my legs were all rubbery so I couldn't get away! It was so scary! I mean, he had scary eyes and these really short arms! It gives me full body chills just picturing him! So, my book is HORROR and I'm calling it "Let Me and My Rubber Legs Go!" or maybe just "Running on Rubber Legs". IDK. You're the one who's gonna print the thing. Tell me what you like better.

Anywho, I wrote it with my talk to text app on my phone as soon as I woke up and when I was getting ready. There is even a part in the middle where I talk about the shower I'm taking. Every good book needs random sexiness thrown in. I read all the time, so I know lots about books. You'll see when you get my book open. I just know you're going to be like "damn girl, this is the one!" because it is the one. This thing is awesome. I had my mom edit it. She took all the curse words out and replaced them with words like 'beach' and 'fock', but I think I fixed it all. Any I missed can just be, like, Easter Eggs in the sequel. Like, it was totally on purpose. Duh.

Anyway, I've attached the head-shot I want you to use on the cover about the author and I'm sups-dups excited to hear what you think of my book! Oh, and if it helps it sell, maybe we could say it's inspired by true events? Right? Cause, it's based on a REAL dream I had. And the shower scene was written LIVE, which is cool. People love real stuff. That' why reality TV is so popular. Prove me wrong.

Talk soon!
XOXO.
A'Lace (It's pronounced like 'Alice', but this is way classier, right? It's my pen name.)
 

Nymtoc

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Dere Agent,

Here is my masterpiece novel. It took me 14 yrs to finish it, so I know you'll be plesed to be the furst person to read it! What's it about? Well, you'll haf to read it to find out! But I'd say its sort of a cross between the Wizzard of Oz and War & Peace. Plese let me know what publisher you wanna send it to and how much money I'll get. Also, I need to know about turning it into a movie and TV and all that. Its only 1248 pages long, so you oughta be able to read it prety quick. Ha-ha.

Where do you want to meet up?

Philtrane Q. Frazzleman