How do I write this transition from dialog to a surprise action?

Noir/Blanc · Dec 10, 2020

How do I write this transition from two people talking to hearing a sudden screaming. I feel the urge to use the word "then" "Then I jumped at the sound..." Using "then" is bad writing, right? I also don't want to use an adverb like "Suddenly I jumped at the sound of screaming." But I feel like it needs a transition word to not sound flat.

Or does this sound OK as is? :

“Do you know the lead investigator?”

“Yeah, I know him. I don’t like him right now. But I know he’s a good cop. He’s a really good cop.” I jumped at the sound of screaming coming from the back of the house. “Holy shit! What the hell was that?” I said as my heart pounded with fear.

Bufty · Dec 10, 2020

Can I say you have the stimulus/response reversed and are explaining too much.

I jumped at the sound of screaming coming from the back of the house. “Holy shit! What the hell was that?” I said as my heart pounded with fear.

Try showing me what you hear instead of simply telling me you jumped at the sound of...

JAS- A terrified scream came from the back of the house. "Holy Shit. What the hell's that?" then however you or the others react. Fear doesn't need to be mentioned. It's a bit over the top at this stage and is understood from the scream and the dialogue. It's your POV and the 'I said' is not needed.

Any use?

Noir/Blanc · Dec 10, 2020

Yes, that's what I was looking for. Thank you!

Bufty · Dec 10, 2020

Something I did was helpful. At last! Stay safe. :Hug2:

Noir/Blanc · Dec 10, 2020

Bufty said:
Something I did was helpful. At last! Stay safe.

Very helpful. You set me right!

Stay safe, too. :Hug2:

maestrowork · Dec 10, 2020

Yup Bufty is right, show, don't tell. Show us what happens, instead of leading with the character's reaction. In general, try not to tell us "I jumped" before you show us what happened. Reaction after the fact.

Maryn · Dec 11, 2020

Maestro! Nice to see you again.

Sorry for the derail. Carry on.

Maryn, wondering if the hot tub is usable

How do I write this transition from dialog to a surprise action?

Noir/Blanc

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

Noir/Blanc

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

Noir/Blanc

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

Maryn

Baaa!