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When writing gets personal and painful

ThomasI

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So I finished my novel.

I would like to think it is good, and it needs polishing (but let me assume it is good).

Do I spend the time polishing it, with the following awareness...

A few weeks ago, I had a revelation.

You see, the novel is sort of like a memoir turned into fiction, but it begins with a brutal war scene.

The rest of the story are events from my life -- so I clearly see the autobiographical undertones.

But I was never in a war - never a soldier. So, where does that scene come from?

The fact is that I suffered greatly as a child from a trauma -- I never hid from this event. I have always been aware of this trauma, and have worked with it over the years (sexual assault, BTW, when I was ten).

But I actually see that the war/terrorism scene that sets the story in motion is a veiled reference to that trauma - I was so blind to it when writing the story (despite the fact that so much else of the story WAS a sort of memoir)

And now I must face some issues.

Do I rewrite the story to more fully explore the underlying issues (and set it up that while the main character did suffer in war, he also realizes there were other issues)
Do I toss the whole thing completely (71,000 words)
Do I just ignore the fact that while readers (if it gets that far, haha) may not know this, I will, but I will ignore that.

I just do not know yet. I must set it aside and think.

So my questions...

Has anyone ever written a story and then LATER realized that the painful scene for the character was a reflection of an event from his or her own life?
And how did you deal with it, when the realization was sudden and like a gestalt switch -- when you abruptly said to yourself "Holy Shit, I did not serve war, but I KNOW this event."
 

ap123

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IMO, this is what fiction is, and what makes the very best stories and characters. Not that the specific story/setting/scenario is thinly disguised memoir, but using the very real emotions, relationships, and experiences we've had to create/deepen characters and stories that can absorb a reader and resonate for many.

Whether or not you change your mss from fiction to memoir, toss it or keep working on it, really is up to you and what you a)want to accomplish and b) feel you can/can't do/do not want to explore. If you keep this mss as a work of fiction, you can keep your experiences in mind while polishing and editing, but remember *this* story is about *this* character and his/her experiences.

Whatever you choose, sounds like some time and distance from the mss might be helpful--which is often the case before going back in for edits and later drafts.

Good luck!
 

Lakey

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IMO, this is what fiction is, and what makes the very best stories and characters. Not that the specific story/setting/scenario is thinly disguised memoir, but using the very real emotions, relationships, and experiences we've had to create/deepen characters and stories that can absorb a reader and resonate for many.

Whether or not you change your mss from fiction to memoir, toss it or keep working on it, really is up to you and what you a)want to accomplish and b) feel you can/can't do/do not want to explore. If you keep this mss as a work of fiction, you can keep your experiences in mind while polishing and editing, but remember *this* story is about *this* character and his/her experiences.

Whatever you choose, sounds like some time and distance from the mss might be helpful--which is often the case before going back in for edits and later drafts.

Good luck!

I second everything that the very wise ap123 has said. I will add one more point: This one manuscript doesn't have to do everything by itself. It doesn't have to explore everything in your life and consciousness that you ever want to explore. You can keep the story, make it is as good as it can be as the story it is, and -- if you want to -- write a new story that explores the other insights you have had.

There are writers who talk about "writing the same book over and over." This is, I think, a flip, self-deprecating way of describing this phenomenon of returning to certain themes and ideas because they resonate deeply for the author, who hasn't yet finished plumbing them. If you read single author short-story collections you will see the same phenomenon, a localized handful of themes and variations on the themes that were important to the author. I have experienced this in a small way myself, as I come back to certain themes over again. I have looked at a story I wrote and thought, "This is okay, but it doesn't fully convey my experiences with X" -- but rather than rewriting the story until it does that, I decided to come at X again with a different character and a different story, and see if I can get closer.

Good luck, whatever you decide. This kind of fiction can be very vulnerable-making, but it can also be extremely rewarding, for writer and reader.

:e2coffee:
 
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ChaseJxyz

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The vast majority of stories are written about things the author has never experienced. John Green was never a teen girl dying of cancer, Stephanie Meyer never fell in love with a vampire, Frank Herbert never transformed into a giant worm. And that's fine! No one expects you to literally write only what you know.

I'm reading my WIP and had a similar revelation to yours. A character learns that someone from his past might be in town and he ends up having a panic attack and really struggles mentally that the person will soon find him and [insert bad thing here]. Reading it, it really struck me how word-for-word the physical, mental and emotional things he was going through were things that I went through. Of course, the person from my past isn't a 16,000 year old magical being.

The story isn't me trying to make sense of what happened or "get over it" or anything, that's what therapy is for. How my character handles this (and other not-fun emotional/mental things) are the root of his internal/external conflict. It's not what defines him, but it's part of why he is the way he is and does the things he does. And I don't expect my readers to say "wow, he's exactly like me!" because he's a fictional character in a fantasy world and has stuff going on that isn't possible in reality. However, he (and my other characters) face challenges and I hope that people can see those things and draw strength from it, in some way, like I did from the things I read. Even if it's something as "simple" as not being so hard on yourself for having "moments of weakness" or if things really affecting you decades later.

Representation of all kinds is important. I saw a thread on Twitter about how Geralt of Rivia from The Witcher being disabled (chronic pain, osteoarthritis) was really meaningful for this one reader, because she was disabled and suffered from the same things. Geralt had to learn to swordfight in a different way to accommodate his disabilities, he has days when he's slower or struggles more because of his pain. But he still goes out and kills monsters and people don't think less of him. So a character that has gone through traumatic things and is having realistic reactions to trauma but is still being a hero is going to mean a lot to some readers. If your character doesn't seem all that affected/bothered by the war scene at the start of the story, I think you should put that in in editing. I don't think you should just throw out the entire project because of this. You can draw upon your experiences and tell something really powerful.