Punctuating descriptive parts of sentences to avoid confusion — is this right?

H7TM4N

Registered
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
47
Reaction score
2
Location
Netherlands
I'm trying to make clear to which character I'm referring when writing descriptive parts of a sentence. For context my MC, I'll call him John, is with two others Tom and Greg.

Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg, breathing in deeply through his nose, then exhaling steadily, relaxing his burly frame.

I'm describing Greg's breathing here, him calming himself down. Both John and Tom are keeping an eye on him. Is it clear I'm referring to Greg or could it read like it's Tom's breathing I'm describing? Can I fix it through punctuation?

An alternative I've been considering: Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg relaxing his burly frame—breathing in deeply through his nose, then exhaling steadily.

Would that be better?
 

lizmonster

Possibly A Mermaid Queen
Absolute Sage
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 5, 2012
Messages
14,537
Reaction score
24,107
Location
Massachusetts
Website
elizabethbonesteel.com
Ah, Pronoun Hell. I've been there.

In the first sentence, it absolutely reads like you're talking about Tom's breathing. In the second, it's more ambiguous, but still confusing.

What about:

"Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg, who was breathing deeply through his nose, then exhaling steadily, relaxing his burly frame."

Of course, you might be better served restructuring the whole thing.
 

H7TM4N

Registered
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
47
Reaction score
2
Location
Netherlands
Ah, Pronoun Hell. I've been there.

In the first sentence, it absolutely reads like you're talking about Tom's breathing. In the second, it's more ambiguous, but still confusing.

What about:

"Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg, who was breathing deeply through his nose, then exhaling steadily, relaxing his burly frame."

Of course, you might be better served restructuring the whole thing.

Yes, I figured as much. Your solution at least makes the line much more effective.
 

JohnLine

Owns a pen.
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 18, 2011
Messages
660
Reaction score
358
Location
California
I think the phrase "then exhaling steadily" is an error. If it was an adjective phrase, it would read, "exhaling steadily," and if it was a dependent clause, it would read, "then exhaled steadily." (with the comma before it substituting for "and")

It could also be a tense error, where "stayed" is past, and "exhaling" is present.

And It could be an introductory word group to "relaxing his burly frame," but, again, "relaxing" is present tense so it clashes with the main verb "stayed".
 

H7TM4N

Registered
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
47
Reaction score
2
Location
Netherlands
Changing "then exhaling steadily" to "then exhaled steadily", makes it seem like it's referring to Tom again, as if "who was breathing deeply through his nose" was the only part that referred to Greg, like this:
"Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg, who was breathing deeply through his nose, then exhaled steadily, relaxing his burly frame."
Which reads like: "Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg — who was breathing deeply through his nose — then exhaled steadily, relaxing his burly frame."


Perhaps replacing ", then " with "and" would make it less confusing?

The sentence:
1. "Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg, who was breathing deeply through his nose, then exhaling steadily, relaxing his burly frame."
Would become:
2. "Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg, who was breathing deeply through his nose and exhaling steadily, relaxing his burly frame." I'm not sure if it's necessary, however?

Just doing away with "then" also works I think:
3. "Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg, who was breathing deeply through his nose, exhaling steadily, relaxing his burly frame." Again, however, I'm not experienced enough to say whether or not it's necessary, or much better?
 
Last edited:

TellMeAStory

Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
1,203
Reaction score
293
Location
Somewhere between earnest application and gleeful
I think it might be a point of view issue that's causing confusion.

If I understand correctly, Tom is the observer and Greg is the breather of interest. That being so, it's not for Tom to say that Greg's breathing technique his relaxing or not relaxing that burly frame.

Try something like this: ...focused on Greg, who was breathing deeply through his nose and exhaling steadily AS IF TRYING to relax his burly frame.
 

H7TM4N

Registered
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
47
Reaction score
2
Location
Netherlands
I think it might be a point of view issue that's causing confusion.

If I understand correctly, Tom is the observer and Greg is the breather of interest. That being so, it's not for Tom to say that Greg's breathing technique his relaxing or not relaxing that burly frame.

Try something like this: ...focused on Greg, who was breathing deeply through his nose and exhaling steadily AS IF TRYING to relax his burly frame.

You could see someone visibly relaxing, though, after controlling their breathing. That wouldn't be a point of view error, I think.
 

angeliz2k

never mind the shorty
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,727
Reaction score
488
Location
Commonwealth of Virginia--it's for lovers
Website
www.elizabethhuhn.com
I'm trying to make clear to which character I'm referring when writing descriptive parts of a sentence. For context my MC, I'll call him John, is with two others Tom and Greg.

Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg, breathing in deeply through his nose, then exhaling steadily, relaxing his burly frame.

I'm describing Greg's breathing here, him calming himself down. Both John and Tom are keeping an eye on him. Is it clear I'm referring to Greg or could it read like it's Tom's breathing I'm describing? Can I fix it through punctuation?

An alternative I've been considering: Tom, too, stayed focused on Greg relaxing his burly frame—breathing in deeply through his nose, then exhaling steadily.

Would that be better?

The first version does grammatically have Tom "breathing in deeply". The actor in the opening clause is Tom, and -ing phrases modify the entire first clause. Therefore, it's modifying Tom's action, and Tom is breathing, then exhaling and relaxing as he focuses.

If you make it "Greg, who was breathing...", then it will say what you want it to say.

The second version is awkward and still somewhat ambiguous.

I might rewrite to something like, "Tom watched [intently?] as Greg breathed in deeply..." or "Tom watched Greg breathe in deeply..."
 

H7TM4N

Registered
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
47
Reaction score
2
Location
Netherlands
The first version does grammatically have Tom "breathing in deeply". The actor in the opening clause is Tom, and -ing phrases modify the entire first clause. Therefore, it's modifying Tom's action, and Tom is breathing, then exhaling and relaxing as he focuses.

If you make it "Greg, who was breathing...", then it will say what you want it to say.

The second version is awkward and still somewhat ambiguous.

I might rewrite to something like, "Tom watched [intently?] as Greg breathed in deeply..." or "Tom watched Greg breathe in deeply..."

I think splitting the sentence into two makes the paragraph less awkward and ambiguous. (John is mentioned just before this) I have it now as:

While Tom, too, stay focused on Greg. They watched him breathe deeply through his nose, exhaling steadily, relaxing his burly frame.

I'd be curious to get people's opinion, but I believe this works better now in the context of the story.