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describing a pall dust and sunset

alpacinoutd

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Hello.

Sometimes, because there is dust in the sky, the sunset becomes a hazy orange. I decided to describe this situation. Can I use "pall"?

This is what I have right now:

1. The setting sun was a hazy orange because of the pall of dust cast over the sky.
2. The pall of dust had made the setting sun a hazy orange.

Do the collocations I have work? What do you think about it?

How can I make it better?
 

The Second Moon

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Are you asking which of the pair I like better? If so, I like 2 a lot better. It's short to the point while 1 dances around the meat of the sentence. ("Meat" meaning that the sky is hazy because of the pall)

Also, I haven't heard of the word "pall" before. Thanks for the new vocab word I love learning new words. :D
 

alpacinoutd

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So, is the second one perfectly okay? I wasn't entirely sure if the collocation "hazy orange" would work to describe the sunset when there is dust in the sky.
 

Drascus

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The word "pall" has to me a negative connotation but that may be exactly what you want.
Other than that, I too like your second sentence construction better.
 

Introversion

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1. The setting sun was a hazy orange because of the pall of dust cast over the sky.
2. The pall of dust had made the setting sun a hazy orange.

Hmm, to be honest they both seem slightly clinical to me.

What kind of orange is it? A wan, sickly brownish-orange like an old bruise? Or a warm, gilded orange like the reflected glow from the inside of a golden bowl? What mood are you trying to convey?
 

Roxxsmom

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Hello.

Sometimes, because there is dust in the sky, the sunset becomes a hazy orange. I decided to describe this situation. Can I use "pall"?

This is what I have right now:

1. The setting sun was a hazy orange because of the pall of dust cast over the sky.
2. The pall of dust had made the setting sun a hazy orange.

Do the collocations I have work? What do you think about it?

How can I make it better?

I like 2 better, but I'd omit the "had."

1 is confusing and the wording feels awkward to me (because of the pall of dust). Plus, the word "cast" feels misplaced. The pall of dust is casting the orange color on the sky, but the word placement makes it look like the pall of dust itself is cast on the sky.

The setting sun was a hazy orange because of the pall of dust cast over the sky
 

Chris P

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To me (and perhaps me only) the inclusion of the words "because" or "had made" in this context could indicate that you are telling the reader what's going on, rather than showing. The second one is less telly to me, but still telly rather than showy. I think Introversion might be describing another angle of the same thing; clinical: you are telling us what's going on and explaining why. A more showy way to do this could be something like "The setting sun blazed orange amid the pall of dust."

But, if your narrator is the type to explain things to us, which is perfectly allowed, I would find the second of your two examples the better of the two.