Achoo!

Meemossis · Oct 10, 2020

If your MC catches a cold, what would you write when he/she sneezes? Do you simply write "achoo"? Or do you describe the sneeze and just say they sneezed?

It's my MC first symptom that tells the audience that she's caught a cold after being out in the rain. It also has to be a loud sneeze which cause her horrible flatmate to complain by banging on the wall, and telling her to shut up. I wanted her and the audience to be suprised with the sneeze, so I thought writing "Achoo" and that would do it. But now I look back, it looks like naive writing.

What would you suggest? Or should I just stick with it?

I am writing a rom-com, so I can't be too serious with the language.

Thanks

The Second Moon · Oct 10, 2020

When one of my characters got a cold, I simply said "He sneezed."

Honestly it never crossed my mind to spell out "achoo". Maybe it's just me but I think spelling it out makes the sneeze feel like the character is just speaking the word "achoo".

As for the surprise aspect you want...I think writing. "She sneezed." will work fine.

Animad345 · Oct 10, 2020

I would also just write 'she sneezed'.

Edit: I suppose if you want to make it stick out a bit more you could say something like 'she sneezed loudly' or 'she gave a particularly loud sneeze'.

I wouldn't stress too much about it though

RC turtle · Oct 10, 2020

I know a person who sneezes loudly enough to make his hunting dog bolt, and another who you'd never know had sneezed if you didn't happen to be watching his face. Although it can be stretched to fit, real sneezes so rarely sound like "achoo" that I have never been comfortable with that as a word outside of comic strips. I'd vote for description.

indianroads · Oct 10, 2020

Meemossis said:
If your MC catches a cold, what would you write when he/she sneezes? Do you simply write "achoo"? Or do you describe the sneeze and just say they sneezed?

It's my MC first symptom that tells the audience that she's caught a cold after being out in the rain. It also has to be a loud sneeze which cause her horrible flatmate to complain by banging on the wall, and telling her to shut up. I wanted her and the audience to be suprised with the sneeze, so I thought writing "Achoo" and that would do it. But now I look back, it looks like naive writing.

What would you suggest? Or should I just stick with it?

I am writing a rom-com, so I can't be too serious with the language.

Thanks

How close is your POV?

If you're writing from within the MC's head you can have her/him feel the tingle of the sneeze build - possibly threatening to devastate an intimate moment, then blow out the candles on the table as the sound reverberates through the room... that might be fun to write.

neandermagnon · Oct 11, 2020

Depending on the depth/POV, I'd write something like:

She sneezed so loudly it made her horrible flat mate bang on the wall.

"achoo" won't cut it because it doesn't convey loudness. If writing for the 8-12 year old age group "AAAAAAACCCCHHHHHOOOOO!!!" might work in a very large font (see how David Walliams does this sort of thing, it's great). But for adults it would look stupid unless it's a comedy and doing that fits in with the tone.

Probably I'd focus more on describing the loudness of the sneeze, if the sentence I suggested doesn't fit the POV/depth.

Achoo!

Meemossis

The Second Moon

Animad345

RC turtle

indianroads

Wherever I go, there I am.

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!