Avoiding "I" and "-ing" to start sentences?

DezDunn · Oct 3, 2020

I am writing in first person, present tense. How would you vary sentence structure to avoid over using "I," or words starting with "-ing," to begin sentences.

For example(not from my work!):

Spinning on my heel, I face the truck barreling toward me. The twin orbs from the headlights blind me. I am out of time. Throwing my hands in front of my face, I brace for impact, but it never comes.

Does "I" become invisible to the reader? I started using "-ing" words to vary the beginnings of my sentences but they have gotten out of hand and I need advise on how to readjust. Thanks in advance!

mrsmig · Oct 3, 2020

I'm not bothered by the three instances of "I" in the example you used, but I am bothered by the first sentence, mostly because the construction creates impossible simultaneous action; i.e. you can't spin on your heel and face a truck at the same time. Even if the first sentence didn't have that problem, I would be bothered by seeing two participle-first constructions so close together.

Personally, I think you could lose the first participle easily. "I turn, and face the truck barreling toward me," would work, or more concisely, "I face the truck barreling toward me," or even more concisely, "The truck barrels toward me."

Roxxsmom · Oct 3, 2020

Personally, I think you could lose the first participle easily. "I turn, and face the truck barreling toward me," would work, or more concisely, "I face the truck barreling toward me," or even more concisely, "The truck barrels toward me."

Sorry for omitting the attribution mrsmig, but reply with quote sometimes freezes indefinitely for me.

The bit I highlighted is a good way to reduce the number of sentences that start with "I" in first person, and with a viewpoint character's name or pronoun in third. It's similar to reducing filters when they aren't needed for clarity.

But don't beat yourself up for having a fair number of sentences with "I" in them. When they are necessary and clear pronouns don't call a lot of attention to themselves.

Check out some good books written in first and see how often they start sentences with "I" and so on, and also see how they weave other sentence structures in. Also know that writers have different styles, and most successful authors do the things we're told to avoid (by blogs and by writing class teachers) a lot more than you'd think. It's good to be mindful but also not to hobble yourself, especially when writing an initial draft.

DezDunn · Oct 3, 2020

mrsmig said:
... I would be bothered by seeing two participle-first constructions so close together.

Personally, I think you could lose the first participle easily. "I turn, and face the truck barreling toward me," would work, or more concisely, "I face the truck barreling toward me," or even more concisely, "The truck barrels toward me."

Mrsmig, thank you so much for answering! The angels are singing, "hallelujah!" in my head. I am so ready to pull my hair out. Lol.

Okay, consider this same construction repeated but obviously with different content. I am afraid the use of "The" with a simple statement of fact is too stark and I will get comments saying, "Show, don't tell."

I wish I could add a snippet from what I am working on to be torn a part. Short of that, I can only explain that I have fallen into a pit of beginning many sentences with participles, which has become annoying to ME as well as readers. Which is preferred? "I" sentences, or participle sentences, or telling ones? Or simply rotate through all three? Download all the wisdoms please!!! Sincerely, Tired-on-a-timeframe.

starrystorm · Oct 3, 2020

Tried to reply, but I think the website ate it.

Anyway, I was saying that it flows as the sentences are different lengths. I think it works.

mrsmig · Oct 3, 2020

You're welcome, DezDunn, and welcome to AW.

Personally, I find the use of sentences beginning with participles to be a bit like hot pepper - fine in moderation, to spice things up, but overwhelming when used with too heavy a hand.

If you'd like to share a small portion of your work while you're waiting to accrue the 50+ posts necessary to post a larger excerpt, look for the "Hook Me in 200 Words or Less" threads in the Share Your Work subforum (password: vista). You can post the opening of your work and see what the critters say.

Maryn · Oct 3, 2020

It's probably not too early to learn a little more about filtering, from another first person present tense writer. Some of the I-sentences can be revised to eliminate both the I-as-subject and to provide more intimacy in the storytelling.

Filtering occurs when the author tells the reader which of the senses the character used to gain information, or that s/he used the brain to reach conclusions, find correlations, etc. In good writing, the author trusts the reader to figure out a character knows there was a sound because she heard it, rather than telling the reader she heard it.

If the author filters everything through the point of view character, it creates psychic distance between what the character experiences and the reader. The sense of immediacy, of the reader feeling as if he's right there, is diminished.

Instead of the author sharing the means by which the character experienced whatever she did, the author can cut directly to the experience, making it the subject of the sentence rather than the character (or a representative pronoun) being the subject.

Filtering is the difference between
I hear the door creak. I wonder who is there. I notice the scents of lavender and dust in the still air. “Grandma?” I say. I feel my heart race. (The subject of every sentence is I.)
and
The door creaks. Who is there? Lavender and dust scent the still air. “Grandma?” My heart races.

That’s 30 words versus 17, and filtered-through-me distance versus immediacy.

Filtering can usually be spotted by the words that do it, although not all uses of these words are filtering. Search for knew, thought, considered, regarded, wondered, noticed, was aware, sensed, felt, saw, hoped, realized, smelled, heard and it seemed, looked like, appeared, was obvious/apparent. Decide on a case-by-case basis whether it's there to filter the point-of-view character's experience, and if it is, rewrite it.

Maryn, dusting off the old copy-and-paste

DezDunn · Oct 3, 2020

Ooooo! Thank you all. You have helped me tremendously! Maryn, I am going to have to copy and paste this somewhere safe to I can come back to it if needed. <3

Mrsmig, I did eventually find the 200 words or less sub-forum. I appreciate the info!

Woollybear · Oct 3, 2020

Download all the wisdoms please!!!

Wisdom from Roxx's mom:

Check out some good books written in first and see how often they start sentences with "I" and so on, and also see how they weave other sentence structures in. Also know that writers have different styles, and most successful authors do the things we're told to avoid (by blogs and by writing class teachers) a lot more than you'd think. It's good to be mindful but also not to hobble yourself, especially when writing an initial draft.

scribemeetsworld · Oct 13, 2020

Hi Dezarea,

I came across this article, and it reminded me of the question you posted in this thread. It's written by an editor, Kathy Ide. She had an interesting take, which can be summed up by this quote from the article:

I have a theory. I suspect it [the new rule about not using -ing] might be because sentences that start with -ing words often end up being grammatically incorrect.

You might want to check it out -- you can find it here

Roxxsmom · Oct 13, 2020

scribemeetsworld said:
Hi Dezarea,

I came across this article, and it reminded me of the question you posted in this thread. It's written by an editor, Kathy Ide. She had an interesting take, which can be summed up by this quote from the article:

You might want to check it out -- you can find it here

I think she has a point. Or in many cases a different sentence structure would more accurately convey what you are trying to say.

Running down the stairs, I tripped and fell.

There is an issue with sequencing here, as one stops running once tripping and falling commences.

So it would be better to maybe write either

I tripped and fell running down the stairs.

or

I ran halfway down the stairs, then tripped and fell.

But sometimes two things do take place simultaneously, and that's exactly what the writer is trying to convey. There are different sentence structures that can convey this too, of course, but it can be more efficient to use the present participle.

Avoiding "I" and "-ing" to start sentences?

DezDunn

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

Roxxsmom

Beastly Fido

DezDunn

starrystorm

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

Maryn

Baaa!

DezDunn

Woollybear

scribemeetsworld

Roxxsmom

Beastly Fido