What could a young widow in 1882 USA do?

Squibble

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Manners & etiquette books for the 1880 time frame mostly cover Victorian England, and Americans tried to follow them. How 20 year olds courted and married is very well covered. A few address US customs, which were less restrictive than England, excluding our upper class. The mourning period for a widow was 2 years, although working women couldn't afford to comply. For the widower it was 3 months at most.

I haven't found a manual that addresses the social norms for a young American widow.

So, the story situation is this - The husband betrayed his wife and ran off with her best friend to a divorce colony in upstate New York. At that time New York had lax divorce laws. The woman's husband showed up and shot the unfaithful husband.

The young middle class widow refused to honor him with the grieving ritual, wearing black, and keeping herself sequestered as society expected.

My question is - what social activities could she undertake and not incur the wrath of middle class society? What would happen if she began seeing someone after 6 months? She resides in southern Pennsylvania.

Thanks in advance
 

lonestarlibrarian

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From 1899, published in Chicago--

MOURNING.

The putting on of mourning is a question that should be decided entirely by those most deeply concerned. Many families never follow the custom, and even wear white instead of black on the day of the funeral, while others seem to consider the wearing of crêpe as a mark of respect shown to the dead. To assume the expense such a change in clothing would entail, may sometimes be placing a burden upon the living for the sake of the dead, which certainly neither custom nor reason should demand. Then, to many, the wearing of crêpe is so depressing that it is a sin against one’s self to put it on. None but narrow-minded, uncultivated persons would ever think of criticising one for not doing so. Of course one would naturally feel like dressing in as subdued colors as possible, if not in assuming half mourning (black and white, lavendar, drab, etc.) if not deep black or crêpe.When mourning is worn by a wife for a husband, it is worn from one to two years, at least.
[101]​
The question of wearing mourning for one’s betrothed must be decided by one’s self, for it is purely a personal question that the laws of etiquette do not govern.When crêpe is laid aside, black-bordered paper and black-bordered cards are no longer proper. While wearing all black on the street, after crêpe is laid aside, one may wear, with propriety, all white in the house.While in deep mourning one does not go into society. All that mourning etiquette demands is that one acknowledge her calls with her visiting cards, which should be sent in return for a call within two weeks after it is made, and should go by hand rather than by mail.One sends invitations to one’s friends who are in mourning, to show that they are not forgotten.

From 1922 Emily Post--

[FONT=&quot]It is not customary for one who is in deep mourning to go to a wedding, but there can be little criticism of an intimate friend who takes a place in the gallery of the church from which she can see the ceremony and yet be apart from the wedding guests. At a wedding that is necessarily small [/FONT][FONT=&quot]because of mourning, the women of the family usually lay aside black for that one occasion and wear white.[/FONT]

as well as

[FONT=&quot]A generation or two ago the regulations for mourning were definitely prescribed, definite periods according to the precise degree of relationship of the mourner. One's real feelings, whether of grief or comparative indifference, had nothing to do with the outward manifestation one was obliged, in decency, to show. The tendency to-day is toward sincerity. People do not put on black for aunts, uncles and cousins unless there is a deep tie of affection as well as of blood.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Many persons to-day do not believe in going into mourning at all. There are some who believe, as do the races of the East, that great love should be expressed in rejoicing in the re-birth of a beloved spirit instead of selfishly mourning their own earthly loss. But many who object to manifestations of grief, find themselves impelled to wear mourning when their sorrow comes and the number of those who do not put on black is still comparatively small.[/FONT]

and

[FONT=&quot]If you see acquaintances of yours in deepest mourning, it does not occur to you to go up to them and babble trivial topics or ask them to a dance or dinner. If you pass close to them, irresistible sympathy compels you merely to stop and press their hand and pass on. A widow, or mother, in the newness of her long veil, has her hard path made as little difficult as possible by everyone with whom she comes in contact, no matter on what errand she may be bent. A clerk in a store will try to wait on her as quickly and as attentively as possible. Acquaintances avoid stopping her with long conversation that could not but torture and distress her. She meets small kindnesses at every turn, which save unnecessary jars to supersensitive nerves.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Once in a great while, a tactless person may have no better sense than to ask her abruptly for whom she is in mourning! Such people would not hesitate to walk over the graves in a cemetery! And fortunately, such encounters are few.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Since many people, however, dislike long mourning veils [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and all crepe generally, it is absolutely correct to omit both if preferred, and to wear an untrimmed coat and hat of plainest black with or without a veil.[/FONT]

and slightly post-your-period as well, but

[FONT=&quot]Nor should a woman ever wear a crepe veil to the theater or restaurant, or any public place of amusement. On the other hand, people left long to themselves and their own thoughts grow easily morbid, and the opera or concert or an interesting play may exert a beneficial relaxation. Gay restaurants with thumping strident musical accompaniment or entertainments of the cabaret variety, need scarcely be commented upon. But to go to a matinée with a close friend or relative is becoming more and more usual—and the picture theaters where one may sit in the obscurity and be diverted by the story on the silver screen which, requiring no mental effort, often diverts a sad mind for an hour or so, is an undeniable blessing. An observer would have to be much at a loss for material who could find anything to criticise in seeing a family together under such circumstances.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]One generally leaves off a long veil, however, for such an occasion and drives bareheaded, if it be evening, or substitutes a short black face veil over one's hat on entering and leaving a building in the daytime.[/FONT]

and

[FONT=&quot]A widow used never to wear any but woolen materials, made as plain as possible, with deep-hemmed turn-back cuffs and collar of white organdy. On the street she wore a small crepe bonnet with a little cap-border of white crepe or organdy and a long veil of crepe or nun's veiling to the bottom edge of her skirt, over her face as well as down her back. At the end of three months the front veil was put back from over her face, but the long veil was worn two years at least, and frequently for life. These details are identical with those prescribed to-day excepting that she may wear lustreless silks as well as wool, the duration of mourning may be shorter, and she need never wear her veil over her face except at the funeral unless she chooses.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A widow of mature years who follows old-fashioned conventions wears deep mourning with crepe veil two years, black the third year and second mourning the fourth. But shorter periods of mourning are becoming more and more the custom and many consider three or even two years conventional.[/FONT]

although a few years earlier (1918), it's another American's opinion that--

[FONT=&quot]The English fashion of six months of the deepest mourning and six months of secondary is meeting with more and more approval in this country, although for a close relative a year is the first period and six months the second.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]One who is in mourning does not appear in society for the first six months; after that it is permissible to attend a concert or musical, but not the theater or a reception while severe mourning is worn.[/FONT]

Those last two would have been right after the end of WWI, so take into account the number of Civil War widows that would still be grieving in 1882 America, during a time when Victoria made mourning culture fashionable on both sides of the Atlantic, vs the post-Great-War advice, where you have another surge of wartime widows, but grief customs are not as elaborate as they were a generation or two previously.
 

lonestarlibrarian

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Oh. 1860, Pennsylvania etiquette advice-- just a few months before the Civil War began--

[FONT=&quot]Mourning[/FONT][FONT=&quot]—There is such a variety of opinion upon the subject of mourning, that it is extremely difficult to lay down any general rules upon the subject. Some wear very close black for a long period, for a distant relative; whilst others will wear dressy mourning for a short time in a case of death in the immediate family. There is no rule either for the depth of mourning, or the time when it may be laid aside, and I must confine my remarks to the different degrees of mourning.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]For deep mourning, the dress should be of bombazine, Parramatta cloth, delaine, barege, or merino, made up over black lining. The only appropriate trimming is a deep fold, either of the same material or of crape. The shawl or cloak must be of plain black, without border or trimming, unless a fold of crape be put on the cloak; the bonnet should be of crape, made perfectly plain, with crape facings, unless the widow's cap be worn, and a deep crape veil should be thrown over both face and bonnet. Black crape collar and sleeves, and black boots and gloves. The next degree is to wear white collar and sleeves, a bow of crape upon the bonnet, and plain white lace facings, leaving off the crape veil, and substituting one of plain black net. A little later, black silk without any gloss, trimmed with crape, may be worn, and delaine or bombazine, with a trimming of broad, plain ribbon, or a bias fold of silk. The next stage admits
[33]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]a silk bonnet trimmed with crape, and lead color, dark purple, or white figures on the dress. From this the mourning passes into second mourning. Here a straw bonnet, trimmed with black ribbon or crape flowers, or a silk bonnet with black flowers on the outside, and white ones in the face, a black silk dress, and gray shawl or cloak, may be worn. Lead color, purple, lavender, and white, are all admissible in second mourning, and the dress may be lightened gradually, a white bonnet, shawl, and light purple or lavender dress, being the dress usually worn last, before the mourning is thrown aside entirely, and colors resumed. It is especially to be recommended to buy always the best materials when making up mourning. Crape and woolen goods of the finest quality are very expensive, but a cheaper article will wear miserably; there is no greater error in economy than purchasing cheap mourning, for no goods are so inferior, or wear out and grow rusty so soon.[/FONT]

and

[FONT=&quot]If your guest is in mourning, decline any invitations to parties or places of amusement whilst she is with you. Show her by such little attentions that you sympathize in her recent affliction, and that the pleasure of her society, and the love you bear her, make such sacrifices of gayety trifling, compared with the sweet duty of comforting her.[/FONT]

and

[FONT=&quot]When visiting in a family where the members are in mourning, decline all invitations to parties or places of public amusement. It is an insult to them to leave them to join in pleasure from which their recent affliction excludes them. Your visit at such a time will be prompted by sympathy in their trouble, and for the time it is thoughtful and delicate to make their sorrows yours.[/FONT]

and this stuff is just interesting regarding how to make calls on people--

[FONT=&quot]The usual hours for paying morning calls are between eleven and two, or twelve and three, and all calls of ceremony should be made between these hours.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Never, in paying a ceremonious call, stay more than twenty minutes, or less than ten. If your hostess has several other visitors at the same time that you are in her parlor, make your visit short, that she may have more attention to bestow upon others.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]After you have received an invitation to a party, call within a week or fortnight after the evening, whether you have accepted or declined the invitation. If you have declined on account of mourning, the excuse extends also to the call.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]When the servant answers your ring, hand in your card. If your friend is out or engaged, leave the card, and if she is in, send it up. Never call without cards. You may offend your friend, as she may never hear of your call, if she is out at the time, and you trust to the memory of the servant.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[82]
If your friend is at home, after sending your card up to her by the servant, go into the parlor to wait for her. Sit down quietly, and do not leave your seat until you rise to meet her as she enters the room. To walk about the parlor, examining the ornaments and pictures, is ill-bred. It is still more unlady-like to sit down and turn over to read the cards in her card basket. If she keeps you waiting for a long time, you may take a book from the centre-table to pass away the interval.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Never, while waiting in a friend's parlor, go to the piano and play till she comes. This is a breach of good-breeding often committed, and nothing can be more ill-bred. You may be disturbing an invalid unawares, or you may prevent your friend, if she has children, from coming down stairs at all, by waking the baby.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]If you are a stranger in the city, and bring a letter of introduction to your hostess, send this letter up stairs with your card, that she may read it, and know how to welcome you when she comes down stairs. In this case, write upon the card the name of the hotel at which you are staying, and mention in the course of conversation, how long you will be in the city.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]If you have a visitor, and desire to introduce her to your friends, you may invite her to accompany you when paying calls.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]In making a call for condolence, it is sufficient to leave a card with your enquiries for the health of your friend, and offers of service. The same if calling upon invalids, if they are too ill to see you.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]In visits of congratulation, go in, and be hearty in your expressions of interest and sympathy. Pay visits,
[83]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] both of condolence and congratulation, within a week after the event which calls for them occurs.[/FONT]

and skipping back ahead to 1918 , with its looser code of conduct--

Seclusion from Society.[FONT=&quot]—The question as to how soon persons in mourning should or should not re-enter society is in some measure an open one, and is also influenced by the rules that govern the actual period of mourning adopted.
[/FONT]
A Widow is not expected to enter into Society[FONT=&quot] under three months, and during that time she should neither accept invitations nor issue them. Her visiting should be confined to her relations and intimate friends. After three months she should commence gradually to enter into society, but balls and dances should be avoided during the first year.[/FONT]

and

When Cards of Inquiry have been left[FONT=&quot], viz. visiting cards with "To inquire after Mrs. A——" written on the top on right-hand corner of the cards, they should be returned by cards with "Thanks for kind inquiries" written upon them (see [/FONT]Chapter III[FONT=&quot].).[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Until this intimation has been given, society does not venture to intrude upon the seclusion of those in mourning.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Relations and intimate friends are exempt from this received rule.[/FONT]

and in New York, 1866--

[FONT=&quot]In this changing world, visits of condolence must be also occasionally paid; and concerning such, a few necessary rules may be briefly stated.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Visits of condolence should be paid within a week after the event which occasions them; but if the acquaintance be slight, immediately after the family appear at public worship. A card should be sent up; and if your friends are able to receive you, let your manners and conversation be in harmony with the character of your visit. It is courteous to send up a mourning card; and for ladies to make their calls in black silk or plain-colored apparel. It denotes that they sympathize with the afflictions of the family; and such attentions are always pleasing.[/FONT]

But in general, I would expect the middle class--- the shopkeepers, the bankers, the doctors, the clerks, and their wives-- to have more freedom and be under less scrutiny than the upper class.
 

WeaselFire

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The Hussy! :)

You can pretty much write this as you want. In that era, there were a ton of widows from the war and other factors and specific regions reacted differently. She's not New York high society so social norms would be variable. She's already a woman whose husband left with another woman, it doesn't get a lot worse in social standings.

Jeff
 

angeliz2k

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Well, the war would have been 15-20 years before this period, so those widows should theoretically be out of mourning, unless they take the Queen Victoria route. And they would be a bit older by 1880 (mid 30s or older), not in the age group I'm picturing.

The thing aboutnot wearing mourning is that you're, well, not wearing mourning. If no one knows a person is "supposed" to be wearing mourning, then everything will be just fine. If this widow moves or lives in a larger city, then most likely she won't get much flack since people simply won't know (or care). Even if it's a smaller town, as WeaselFire says, the fact that her husband has run off with another woman and gotten himself killed by that woman's husband...I think the widow would have sympathy/understanding on her side. When you read older novels, you hear characters gossip about so-and-so dying, but he was known to be a jerk so no one's real sad he's dead. (There's a phrase that I'm blanking on, something like, "he wasn't as good as he should be" which was basically a euphemism for "he was a jerk and probably beat his wife".) In that sort of case, the neighbors are going to generally show a level of understanding if the widow doesn't wear mourning or only does so for a short time. Of course, you might get some pearl-clutching society lady who is shocked by the original scandal of the husband running off and by the widow failing to wear mourning.
 

frimble3

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Sounds to me that as long as she avoids 'party' type events, balls, grand entertainments and places where laughter is expected (the theater) she'd be allowed out to teas, or musical evenings, etc. Maybe concerts?
I don't know what the chances are of her meeting men at these things. Lay low for six months or a year, then get back to life?

If her whole crowd knows about how 'that bum' treated her, opinion will be divided between 'oh, the poor thing', 'he got what he deserved' and, always, a few 'what did she do make him act that way?'
 

Squibble

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Thanks for your insights, folks. Since the heroine's hubby was such an A-hole, I'll have local society supporting her except for a few 'holier than thou' types. The story deals with how she struggles to move on and how she reacts to a 'new love' who had not paid much attention to his wife and child but was in deep remorse after they died in an accidental fire. Remember Scarlett O'Hara in black and at a dance, where Rhett danced with her? Thus we storytellers spin our tales.

Keep writing and use this forum to help with your knotty plot problems.
 

frimble3

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Might I suggest that if he's going to be a sympathetic figure, make the reason that he ignored his family (although he loved and mourned them) was that he was busy trying to support them. A ship's captain, or a doctor, or such? Someone busy, with irregular hours?
Afterwards, he regrets his loss, and is striving to do better when he meets your MC.
 

CWatts

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Might I suggest that if he's going to be a sympathetic figure, make the reason that he ignored his family (although he loved and mourned them) was that he was busy trying to support them. A ship's captain, or a doctor, or such? Someone busy, with irregular hours?
Afterwards, he regrets his loss, and is striving to do better when he meets your MC.

Seconded. One option that could really work for this period is a railroad worker. One of my ancestors was a brakeman on the C&O in the 1890s who was away from home when two of his daughters died from a tragic accident. One's skirt got in the fireplace and the other caught fire trying to save her sister. The mom was outside carrying the baby while she and the other kids chased sheep from their yard.
 

frimble3

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What a terrible thing to have happened! Even if it was in the past, I am so sorry for your family!
But yes, that's the kind of scenario I was thinking of. Whether accident or disease, the father's away and boom! his family is gone.
Especially in this case, if her first husband ran off, she's going to be leery of a guy who just ignored his family.
Give him a reason to be away that makes him more sympathetic: earning a living is commendable.

And railway worker is an excellent idea, given the times.
 
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