[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

micahkolding · Nov 26, 2020

Lakey said:
This has a sort of Douglas Adams vibe; I get the impression that I’m in for a rather light-hearted, somewhat absurd adventure. If that’s what you’re going for, nicely done! The challenge of this kind of writing, I think, is evoking the flavor of this kind of roundabout elocution without overdoing it and veering into the verbose. I think you might need to do some very fine editing on this, to keep the bits that are enhancing the voice, while losing the bits that are only inflating the word count without really adding anything. Here are a few suggestions; you might not need to take all of them to reduce the flabbiness while preserving the flavor.

—
~~Every so often~~ Sometimes, when Gilbert Griffon ~~would look~~ looked out into the unfathomable majesty of the night sky, he ~~would realize~~ realized ~~just~~ how unimportant he was. He found this ~~notion to be~~ absurdly comforting, and would often ~~take measures to~~ look out into unfathomable majesties just to keep himself from freaking out.

—

I changed “Every so often” to “Sometimes” in part because you use “often” right in the next sentence, and it seems more useful there. I cut one of the “justs” for a similar reason. Also, regarding “looked out” — if Gilbert is actually inside somewhere, looking out an aperture or a window, this is fine; but if you really just mean that he’s staring into the sky, I would cut “out” from both instances. (Note that if you leave it in, your second sentence has “look out...freaking out” which is an echo you might not want.)

Golden; yes, this is what I was going for, and those are some good notes. Thanks!

jcwriter · Nov 27, 2020

Yet another opening to my old-and-growing-older crime story:

Joe Fane was three days out of state prison, paroled and working nights at Houston Janitorial Service, when Charley Shyler's fixers came looking for him. The Bonny Twins, climbing out of a weathered LeBaron sedan with an orange racing stripe, looking much the same as they did five years ago.

Bufty · Nov 27, 2020

Hi, jcwriter this is only two sentences. You have a spare one? :hooray:

The second sentence here seems incomplete to me. Or is 'climbing' in the wrong tense?

jcwriter said:
Yet another opening to my old-and-growing-older crime story:

Joe Fane was three days out of state prison, paroled and working nights at Houston Janitorial Service, when Charley Shyler's fixers came looking for him. The Bonny Twins, climbing out of a weathered LeBaron sedan with an orange racing stripe, looking much the same as they did five years ago.

micahkolding · Nov 27, 2020

jcwriter said:
Yet another opening to my old-and-growing-older crime story:

Joe Fane was three days out of state prison, paroled and working nights at Houston Janitorial Service, when Charley Shyler's fixers came looking for him. The Bonny Twins, climbing out of a weathered LeBaron sedan with an orange racing stripe, looking much the same as they did five years ago.

Looks like you only used two of your three-sentence allowance. My only concern right now is that both sentences are fairly long, and formatted the same way, so breaking up one or both could serve to give you some sentence variety.

neandermagnon · Nov 27, 2020

micahkolding said:
From WIP #2, titled Athergad: the Player's Handbook.

Every so often, when Gilbert Griffon would look out into the unfathomable majesty of the night sky, he would realize just how unimportant he was. He found this notion to be absurdly comforting, and would often take measures to look out into unfathomable majesties just to keep himself from freaking out.

The darkness he now found himself in, however, had the opposite effect.

I agree this has a Douglas Adams vibe to it, and I see further along in the thread that you intended that, so that's good! ("It sounds like Douglas Adams" wouldn't be such great feedback for someone trying to write, say, a gritty, realistic crime novel.) I really like it.

I like the wordiness of it, because I like that Adams-esque juxtaposition of very literary, wordy language with absurd concepts. I'm eager to find out what kind of darkness/situation Gilbert Griffon has found himself in. Also whether he's a human or a Griffon called Gilbert or something else entirely.

neandermagnon · Nov 27, 2020

jcwriter said:
Joe Fane was three days out of state prison, paroled and working nights at Houston Janitorial Service, when Charley Shyler's fixers came looking for him. The Bonny Twins, climbing out of a weathered LeBaron sedan with an orange racing stripe, looking much the same as they did five years ago.

This is an interesting start. I'd read on. The 2nd sentence grammar is a bit weird. I don't think it's wrong from a technical point of view but it feels incomplete, depending on how you read it. In any case I had to read it 2-3 times so it might tweaking. Content wise it's interesting. It sort of implies what's going to happen next, so I'll read on to see what happens after that.

Lakey · Nov 27, 2020

jcwriter said:
Joe Fane was three days out of state prison, paroled and working nights at Houston Janitorial Service, when Charley Shyler's fixers came looking for him. The Bonny Twins, climbing out of a weathered LeBaron sedan with an orange racing stripe, looking much the same as they did five years ago.

I agree with Bufty that your second sentence is missing a main verb. It is rather long for an intentional sentence fragment.

I highlighted all your present participles here* — four is a lot in two sentences, and they weigh down your rhythm, I think. (Watch particularly for the two uses of “looking,” so near one another yet with different meanings.) There’s something a little heavy about all the clauses hanging off these sentences. I’m hoping the third sentence, which was too shy to make an appearance in this thread, is something light and crisp to give some textural contrast.

Contentwise, though, I have no complaints!

:e2coffee:

* I did not highlight “racing”, which is a gerund, but you should consider it too when weighing the rhythm of the -ings.

jcwriter · Nov 27, 2020

@Bufty—
@micahkolding—
@neandermagnon—
@Lakey—

Thanks all. I had a feeling that fragment wasn't gonna fly. Sometimes I get an idea in my head that I know is iffy but I can't shake it off without getting a good drubbing. Consider it drubbed.

Lakey · Nov 27, 2020

jcwriter said:
Thanks all. I had a feeling that fragment wasn't gonna fly. Sometimes I get an idea in my head that I know is iffy but I can't shake it off without getting a good drubbing. Consider it drubbed.

Knowing that you meant it to be a fragment, I wonder if the tiny adjustment of a period instead of the first comma would make it work better:

The Bonny twins. Climbing out of a weathered LeBaron sedan, looking much the same as they did five years ago.

(I still cut “with an orange racing stripe” because I think the fragmentary phrases work better when they aren’t too loaded down.)

:e2coffee:

indianroads · Nov 29, 2020

“I am violence, agony, and death. I am the beast that stalks the night, the savage fury that watches from the shadows promising terror, blood, and pain. I am the Reaper, waiting, coiled, and ready to strike,” Tom Deimos whispered as he sat cross-legged on the cool concrete floor, with eyes closed, taking long slow breaths.

Bing Z · Nov 29, 2020

indianroads said:
“I am violence, agony, and death. I am the beast that stalks the night, the savage fury that watches from the shadows promising terror, blood, and pain. I am the Reaper, waiting, coiled, and ready to strike,” Tom Deimos whispered as he sat cross-legged on the cool concrete floor, with eyes closed, taking long slow breaths {between his words or after the speech?}.

Suggest to move the 'Tom Deimos whispered..." tag to right after the first sentence so we know sooner who the speaker is. For a moment I thought it was Voldemort.

I am expecting the next sentence/paragraph elaborates on Tom, where the concrete floor is, and who is he whispering to.

indianroads · Nov 29, 2020

I see your point, but want to leave the litany intact as it is a derivative of something the character chants before he murders someone. That was a good catch though, and I'll take the 'long slow breaths' out.
Thanks!

Bufty · Nov 30, 2020

indianroads said:
“I am violence, agony, and death. I am the beast that stalks the night, the savage fury that watches from the shadows promising terror, blood, and pain. I am the Reaper, waiting, coiled, and ready to strike,” Tom Deimos whispered as he sat cross-legged on the cool concrete floor, with eyes closed, taking long slow breaths.

Just curious. Do you feel you lose anything by varying the construction or shortening these triplets of nouns/verbs/adjectives?

You may have your own reasons for wanting to keep the length but this is just a suggestion... “I am violence, agony, and death. I stalk the night, watching from the shadows. I am the Reaper, waiting, coiled and ready to strike,"...

Any particular reason for emphasising his awareness that the floor is cool? You could mention where it is instead if you wished to ground me in a location.

'Coiled and ready to strike' conjures images of a snake, and to me the first thing I imagine on reading the 'Reaper' is that guy with his scythe.

Good luck.

neandermagnon · Nov 30, 2020

indianroads said:
“I am violence, agony, and death. I am the beast that stalks the night, the savage fury that watches from the shadows promising terror, blood, and pain. I am the Reaper, waiting, coiled, and ready to strike,” Tom Deimos whispered as he sat cross-legged on the cool concrete floor, with eyes closed, taking long slow breaths.

I agree with Bing z's suggestions.

At the moment I'm visualising someone doing meditation in the Lotus position, but saying those things instead. I don't know if this is a disastrous attempt at self-help (maybe he thinks saying those things will make him more confident and assertive) or if he's a serial killer - or maybe someone trying to psych himself up to begin serial killing?

I think the suggestion of having a little more info about the location - maybe some other contextual clues - would be helpful for knowing how to interpret this. While some unanswered questions are fine, at the moment I'm not sure if I'm reading a comedy or gritty realism. Maybe the cover/blurb/genre would help with that. Or maybe you might want to start a tiny bit earlier and set the tone before he says these words. But even a tiny bit more context (e.g. location of where he is and maybe something to indicate if he's actually intending on harming people or if they're just words) might help.

DanielSTJ · Nov 30, 2020

Linna woke to the smell of smoke and the feel(ing) of fire. It was not the trained, practical fires she knew, but a maddened blaze intent on destruction.

Code:

Then,

The pounding on her door shouted "Come out witch! Work your magic!"

Just some persnoal suggestions!

indianroads · Nov 30, 2020

Thanks to all for the replies. Always good to get a different perspective.
The character actually is sitting cross-legged on the floor of a jail cell, and is about to be called in front of a magistrate. He'll have to fight his way out of that situation. I wanted these lines to show the mind of the MMC to the reader.

neandermagnon · Dec 1, 2020

indianroads said:
Thanks to all for the replies. Always good to get a different perspective.
The character actually is sitting cross-legged on the floor of a jail cell, and is about to be called in front of a magistrate. He'll have to fight his way out of that situation. I wanted these lines to show the mind of the MMC to the reader.

I think this info would make so much difference in terms of how to interpret it. I don't think the opening needs more than a little reworking to get it in. You can still have the characters words in the first couple of lines, maybe even in the first line, e.g.:

“I am violence, agony, and death," Tom Deimos whispered as he sat cross-legged on the jail cell floor. "I am the beast that stalks the night... etc.

Something like that, maybe.

BrumBall · Jan 3, 2021

Warning, mild swearing.

Huey Sarafin had been shat on by politicians before, but this was personal. He paced the kitchen floor, cradling his baby daughter. Needing something precious in his arms to temper the heat of his blood.

janeofalltrades · Jan 6, 2021

BrumBall said:
Warning, mild swearing.

Huey Sarafin had been shat on by politicians before, but this was personal. He paced the kitchen floor, cradling his baby daughter. Needing something precious in his arms to temper the heat of his blood.

This is a fantastic hook, it draws the reader right into the action and tells you a lot about Huey in a short amount of time. The only thing bugging me is that fragmented third sentence. It's not enough to stop me from continuing to read, but it kinda rubs me the wrong way.

neandermagnon · Jan 6, 2021

BrumBall said:
Huey Sarafin had been shat on by politicians before, but this was personal. He paced the kitchen floor, cradling his baby daughter. Needing something precious in his arms to temper the heat of his blood.

I like this and would read on. Lots of intrigue and things I want to know more about. I think "shat upon" would sound stronger than "shat on" and more evocative of what a politician would do.

janeofalltrades · Jan 12, 2021

New year, new book!

Wireless headphones were the best birthday gift ever.
Olivia's tennis shoes pounded the treadmill to the beat of her J-Pop playlist. The earbuds had been a birthday gift from her friend Nadia last year and made her gym runs so much better.

Bufty · Jan 13, 2021

QUOTE=janeofalltrades;10673345]New year, new book!

Wireless headphones were the best birthday gift ever. OK, so this is somebody's birthday.
Olivia's tennis shoes pounded the treadmill to the beat of her J-Pop playlist. It's Olivia's birthday. OK, and she's making use of her present. And she's wearing tennis shoes. meh. That sentence is a tad awkward.The earbuds had been a birthday gift from her friend Nadia last year and made her gym runs so much better.[/QUOTE]

For me, as is, that third over-explanatory sentence and the jarring reference to 'last year' destroys the atmosphere created by the first two. Do you mean headphones, or earbuds? The two give different images for me.

I might suggest omitting mention of tennis shoes, and reversing those first two sentences.

BrumBall · Jan 13, 2021

Thank you janeofalltrades and neandermagnon for your comments! As you both said you would read on, I've posted a bit more in the Thriller Share Your Work 200 Words thread. No obligation to comment, obviously!

BrumBall · Jan 13, 2021

janeofalltrades said:
New year, new book!Wireless headphones were the best birthday gift ever. Olivia's tennis shoes pounded the treadmill to the beat of her J-Pop playlist. The earbuds had been a birthday gift from her friend Nadia last year and made her gym runs so much better.

I'm probably not your target audience so it's hard to give a constructive crit, but I agree with Bufty that headphones and earbuds are two different things, or at least give two different images.

neandermagnon · Jan 13, 2021

janeofalltrades said:
New year, new book!

Wireless headphones were the best birthday gift ever.
Olivia's tennis shoes pounded the treadmill to the beat of her J-Pop playlist. The earbuds had been a birthday gift from her friend Nadia last year and made her gym runs so much better.

I'm a bit confused with the POV. At first I thought the wearer of the headphones was someone else, not Olivia, and that the headphones were good because that person didn't have to listen to Olivia running on the treadmill. Then it seems like it's from Olivia's point of view. I also agree that headphones and earbuds aren't the same thing. From a sound point of view, I did the sound equivalent of visualising the shoes on the treadmill and the J-pop soundtrack. I like description that's more than just visual.

There isn't anything particular about Olivia that I feel like I can connect to. At first I thought that maybe I'm just not your target audience, but on balance, so far you have an ordinary character doing ordinary things. I'm left wondering if you're doing your character and story justice by starting at this point. If you've got a good reason to start right then, maybe drop a hint about something that's quirky about Olivia or different about her situation.

[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

Splish splash I was takin' a bath

Where have the last ten years gone?

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

professional dilettante

Splish splash I was takin' a bath

professional dilettante

Wherever I go, there I am.

illiterate primate

Wherever I go, there I am.

Where have the last ten years gone?

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

The Wandering Bard

Wherever I go, there I am.

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Keep Right On

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Where have the last ten years gone?

Keep Right On

Keep Right On

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!