[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

Chaoticia · Oct 19, 2020

I haven't had ambition to work on my second novel lately, but it's a comedy-heavy epic from the perspective of a cynical gamer in his early thirties, as he goes on adventures with a radical feminist, a fat conspiracy theorist, a talking Minecraft chicken, a cursed bodybuilder who is trying to save the world with Austrian economics, a little boy who is being physically abused by a boxelder bug that can punch with the force of a human, and a Christian woman that tries to sell vacuum cleaners to people without electricity. Here are its first three sentences:

The last time I played an online game a teenager teabagged me and called me an incel. Before I got into a car accident and my dog died, I spent ten dollars. I bought a game called Super World via direct download for the price of a cheap pair of headphones.

JJ Litke · Oct 19, 2020

Chaoticia said:
The last time I played an online game a teenager teabagged me and called me an incel. Before I got into a car accident and my dog died, I spent ten dollars. I bought a game called Super World via direct download for the price of a cheap pair of headphones.

These sentences don’t have any connection to each other at all. I’ve read it all over again a couple times and I’m still not following. Each sentence should lead to the next, creating a cohesive paragraph.

mccardey · Oct 19, 2020

JJ Litke said:
These sentences don’t have any connection to each other at all. I’ve read it all over again a couple times and I’m still not following. Each sentence should lead to the next, creating a cohesive paragraph.

I agree with this, although I'm assuming it will all come to make sense in the fourth sentence.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

From my WIP, 'Rag Dolls'

There is a certain kind of calm that comes with the cool, green light that penetrates the pond waters on Perkins’ farm. Some called it eerie. But better than most agreed that it was divinely luminous, and every child born here had been taught to hold their breath even before they could walk, just so they might know it.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

From my WIP 'Timbers of Silence'. Is Woot. a sentance?

There are, quite literally, tens of thousands of small towns spread around the world. Inconsequential towns, where traditions and festivals bind the barbarous insanity of being human into a somewhat structured, palatable whole. Woot.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

From my WIP 'Vincent's Table'.

A hazy morning in the foothills of the French Alps, where the robust and ancient Petit Manor is surrounded by colorful gardens, and swans trumpet on the distant glassy ponds. A fog blankets the valley below, giving the Petit grounds a sense of floating far above the rest of the world. This is, in fact, a place the world has all but forgotten, and that was fine with Amelia.

mrsmig · Oct 21, 2020

Maddy Knight said:
From my WIP 'Vincent's Table'.

A hazy morning in the foothills of the French Alps, where the robust and ancient Petit Manor is surrounded by colorful gardens, and swans trumpet on the distant glassy ponds. A fog blankets the valley below, giving the Petit grounds a sense of floating far above the rest of the world. This is, in fact, a place the world has all but forgotten, and that was fine with Amelia.

This opening reads more like a screenplay rather than a novel - in fact, the first sentence is exactly how one writes the description of an establishing shot, right down to lacking a verb for the subject ("morning").

I was also confused by the tense shift from past to present in the final sentence, so I probably wouldn't read on - which is too bad, because I really liked that second sentence.

neandermagnon · Oct 21, 2020

Maddy Knight said:
There is a certain kind of calm that comes with the cool, green light that penetrates the pond waters on Perkins’ farm. Some called it eerie. But better than most agreed that it was divinely luminous, and every child born here had been taught to hold their breath even before they could walk, just so they might know it.

I'm not sure how to critique this without knowing the genre. Your first line is very interesting, but I'd take it entirely differently in a horror story than any other kind of story. An eerily calm pond could be super creepy, or very beautiful. I'm not sure what you mean about children holding their breath. Again, this would read completely differently in a horror story than other kinds of story.

neandermagnon · Oct 21, 2020

Maddy Knight said:
From my WIP 'Timbers of Silence'. Is Woot. a sentance?

Yes

There are, quite literally, tens of thousands of small towns spread around the world. Inconsequential towns, where traditions and festivals bind the barbarous insanity of being human into a somewhat structured, palatable whole. Woot.

The first two sentences read like a tourist guide. I really like the "woot" though - it breaks the tourist guide feel and gives it voice. I'd read on to find out where this is going.

neandermagnon · Oct 21, 2020

Maddy Knight said:
From my WIP 'Vincent's Table'.

A hazy morning in the foothills of the French Alps, where the robust and ancient Petit Manor is surrounded by colorful gardens, and swans trumpet on the distant glassy ponds. A fog blankets the valley below, giving the Petit grounds a sense of floating far above the rest of the world. This is, in fact, a place the world has all but forgotten, and that was fine with Amelia.

I didn't really get into this until you mentioned Amelia. I agree with mrsmig that this reads more like a screenplay than a novel. All three openings start with setting a scene. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not necessary to set a scene before you get into a character's head. You can start with the character. In fact it's often more engaging to start with the character then have the scenery etc described the way the character would describe them. If I'm honest, I'm not that bothered about swans, ponds and fog. The Manor sounds interesting but not as interesting as Amelia. How would she describe her world, that has been all but forgotten by everyone else?

neandermagnon · Oct 21, 2020

Chaoticia said:
The last time I played an online game a teenager teabagged me and called me an incel. Before I got into a car accident and my dog died, I spent ten dollars. I bought a game called Super World via direct download for the price of a cheap pair of headphones.

I've forgotten what "teabagged" means and I'm not sure if it would still mean the same thing as it would've done the last time I heard it anyway, so would probably have to go look it up on Urban Dictionary.

I think the 2nd and 3rd sentences would work better as the opening. You kind of have two separate trains of thought here. The 2nd and 3rd sentence tell me about this game the main character bought, plus a hint of other things going on (car accident, dog dying). Those things would keep me reading. The first sentence just confuses the whole thing. Granted your target audience probably won't have to look up stuff in Urban Dictionary, and granted that from your description it's a whacky comedy, but even so you don't want to be confusing the readers. At this point in the story, the reader knows nothing about what's going on so it's the time you have to be the most careful about not being confusing.

Woollybear · Oct 21, 2020

All three openings use nice language--they all have a similar voice--I can't decide if the language is drawing attention to itself or not. The first piece seems to contort itself back and forth to explain the light, and in that case in particular it feels like the language is not 100% on target, which i think is necessary for this lovely voice to work.

It you strike every adjective and adverb you are left with:

There is a certain kind of calm that comes with the cool, green light that penetrates the pond waters on Perkins’ farm. Some called it eerie. But better than most agreed that it was divinely luminous, and every child born here had been taught to hold their breath even before they could walk, just so they might know it.

There are, quite literally, tens of thousands of small towns spread around the world. Inconsequential towns, where traditions and festivals bind the barbarous insanity of being human into a somewhat structured, palatable whole. Woot.

A hazy morning in the foothills of the French Alps, where the robust and ancient Petit Manor is surrounded by colorful gardens, and swans trumpet on the distant glassy ponds. A fog blankets the valley below, giving the Petit grounds a sense of floating far above the rest of the world. This is, in fact, a place the world has all but forgotten, and that was fine with Amelia.

And then it reads a bit differently. Things can pop out in this structure--like that the second snippet is a bit redundant in the second sentence, which may or may not be what you want so early in a piece.

I think, since this is the 'hook me' thread, I think my preference would be to dial the flowery back a bit. Not all the way, because it is lovely, but maybe by 20% or thereabouts.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

mrsmig said:
This opening reads more like a screenplay rather than a novel - in fact, the first sentence is exactly how one writes the description of an establishing shot, right down to lacking a verb for the subject ("morning").

I was also confused by the tense shift from past to present in the final sentence, so I probably wouldn't read on - which is too bad, because I really liked that second sentence.

You saw right through me. I am a screenwriter by trade, and this was my first attempt to turn one of my scripts into a novel. Word on the street is that producers and such like to see a story played out in a novel first. Some, not all. Not sure anymore of the number of films made from novels. This first novel was started a few years ago. In fact, these three posts of opening lines are all from screenplays.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

neandermagnon said:
I'm not sure how to critique this without knowing the genre. Your first line is very interesting, but I'd take it entirely differently in a horror story than any other kind of story. An eerily calm pond could be super creepy, or very beautiful. I'm not sure what you mean about children holding their breath. Again, this would read completely differently in a horror story than other kinds of story.

The genre is horror / suspense. By children holding their breath means they are taught to swim before they can walk, and are held underwater a short stint. The pond plays out in the whole, and yes, this was originally a screenplay - sold, and now the producer is changing the hell out of it. I was pretty bummed, so we agreed that I can write a novel with the original story. Happens.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

neandermagnon said:
Yes

The first two sentences read like a tourist guide. I really like the "woot" though - it breaks the tourist guide feel and gives it voice. I'd read on to find out where this is going.

The next lines are similar before it breaks into the guts of the story. Not sure if we can post other lines here. Thank you for reading these and commenting. I have not shared my novel writing before.

neandermagnon · Oct 21, 2020

Maddy Knight said:
The genre is horror / suspense. By children holding their breath means they are taught to swim before they can walk, and are held underwater a short stint. The pond plays out in the whole, and yes, this was originally a screenplay - sold, and now the producer is changing the hell out of it. I was pretty bummed, so we agreed that I can write a novel with the original story. Happens.

I think you need to be more explicit/direct about the children holding their breath thing - even say that they're held underwater to teach them this. That plus your description of the pond I think makes for a great opening for a horror story. I'd read on.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

neandermagnon said:
I didn't really get into this until you mentioned Amelia. I agree with mrsmig that this reads more like a screenplay than a novel. All three openings start with setting a scene. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not necessary to set a scene before you get into a character's head. You can start with the character. In fact it's often more engaging to start with the character then have the scenery etc described the way the character would describe them. If I'm honest, I'm not that bothered about swans, ponds and fog. The Manor sounds interesting but not as interesting as Amelia. How would she describe her world, that has been all but forgotten by everyone else?

Yup, my inner-screenwriter coming through! I need to rearrange my thinking when switching from script to novel. 3 of the 4 I have worked on came from screenplays. I just finished my first straight-up novel.

Not sure if we can add the following lines here. If so, you'll see what happnes next with Amelia.

Thank you for commenting.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

Woollybear said:
All three openings use nice language--they all have a similar voice--I can't decide if the language is drawing attention to itself or not. The first piece seems to contort itself back and forth to explain the light, and in that case in particular it feels like the language is not 100% on target, which i think is necessary for this lovely voice to work.

It you strike every adjective and adverb you are left with:

And then it reads a bit differently. Things can pop out in this structure--like that the second snippet is a bit redundant in the second sentence, which may or may not be what you want so early in a piece.

I think, since this is the 'hook me' thread, I think my preference would be to dial the flowery back a bit. Not all the way, because it is lovely, but maybe by 20% or thereabouts.

Thank you for the kind and helpful words. I have never done the adjective / adverb strike thingy. Really interesting. It lays bare the gist. Thank you for the comments, I can see I have some polish work to do.

mrsmig · Oct 21, 2020

Maddy Knight said:
The next lines are similar before it breaks into the guts of the story. Not sure if we can post other lines here. Thank you for reading these and commenting. I have not shared my novel writing before.

Yeah, screenplays and novels have a different storytelling style entirely.

You can't post more than your first three sentences in this thread, but there are some genre-specific "Hook Me in 200 Words" threads in the Share Your Work subforum. Here's the one for Horror. It's a good place to share (and crit) while you're racking up your prerequisite 50 posts so you can start your own thread.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

mrsmig said:
Yeah, screenplays and novels have a different storytelling style entirely.

You can't post more than your first three sentences in this thread, but there are some genre-specific "Hook Me in 200 Words" threads in the Share Your Work subforum. Here's the one for Horror. It's a good place to share (and crit) while you're racking up your prerequisite 50 posts so you can start your own thread.

First 200 posted, thank you. I'll look for other 200 words or less options, I write in all genres except Sci-fi.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

First three sentances from my first novel NOT drawn from a screenplay.

My ’37 Plymouth Coupe was hung airborne just half way across the
collapsing bridge, when I realized that I had never opened my life to look
inside. I had shaken it to guess the contents, of course, far too many times,
likely damaging whatever was in there. Fifty-five years earlier, when I was
just twelve, I started opening other people’s lives to look inside. There was a
very good reason for this.

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

janeofalltrades said:
So here are the boring first three sentences of my romance WIP.

On a quiet street in Riverton Park, a suburb of Riverton, Pennsylvania, sat a buff brick two-story house. Remnants of the last snow storm lingered around the edge of the yard. A maple tree stood proudly in the middle of what would be a flower bed when warm weather came.

Don't knock yourself. Not boring. Not the most exciting I have ever read, either, but not all stories are meant to be. Interesting, yes.

I agree to leave out 'a suburb of Riverton'. Just extra clutter. Also, if this is winter, the maple would be bare of leaves. Maybe you could use the 'remnants of the snowstorm' with ice crystals or something. Proud just doesn't seem to work without all of its leaves - especaily in the autumn.

Maybe what's missing is one odd thing that stands out that makes us wonder what might be inside the house. Does a curtain move? A sound. Some sign of life beyond a house in a yard. Should buff brick be a compound? buff-brick, two-story house ??

Maddy Knight · Oct 21, 2020

Chaoticia said:
The last time I played an online game a teenager teabagged me and called me an incel. Before I got into a car accident and my dog died, I spent ten dollars. I bought a game called Super World via direct download for the price of a cheap pair of headphones.

'A teenager' makes me think that the one playing an online game is an adult. I also believe that he is playing somewhere public, otherwise you would have called him 'a friend'?, and I assume the one playing is male, because had some random teenager teabagged a random female gamer, shit would hit the fan fast. Just sayin' that all stuck out, and we, your reader, have no idea where this takes place and how characters are related. But, if this random teenager called the gamer an Incel, maybe they knew them and their current sexual inactivity?

Hard to tell if the dog dying and the car accident are related, or just two back-to-back tragedies - not that the character come across as broken up about it. Sounds more concerned about spending money he or she may not have. I don't know the current cost of headphones, so I'm clueless how much this DD cost. Or is that the ten dollars?

In other words, about as disconnected as one gets, and it puts all the work on the reader to sort it out.

PS
I was booted out of the system 4 times trying to make this post. Is this normal, or do I have bad luck? Happens a lot.

mrsmig · Oct 22, 2020

Maddy Knight said:
First three sentances from my first novel NOT drawn from a screenplay.

My ’37 Plymouth Coupe was hung airborne just half way across the
collapsing bridge, when I realized that I had never opened my life to look
inside. I had shaken it to guess the contents, of course, far too many times,
likely damaging whatever was in there. Fifty-five years earlier, when I was
just twelve, I started opening other people’s lives to look inside. There was a
very good reason for this.

This is actually four sentences, so because :rulez

, I'll only look at the first three.

I love that first sentence. Love it. You set up excitement and anticipation and tension...but the longer the opening goes on, the more you're letting the air out of it. (That fourth sentence - the one I'm absolutely NOT critting because Rulez - is a clear indicator that you're about to delve into backstory.)

Your screenwriting is showing here. If this was a movie, I bet we'd see the car shoot across the bridge and then the frame would freeze on that visual while your lead actor starts the voiceover narrative, with probably a fade out as the backstory begins. Eventually you'd come back to that freeze frame and continue with the main action.

But there are no visuals in novels. Novels have a classic - maybe even ancient - storytelling style. It's one person, telling a story to another person. There are no visuals, no actors portraying the different roles, no soundtrack to heighten mood, no special effects. Well-written stories pique a reader's imagination and engage their attention through words alone.

Focus on your words.

Chase · Oct 22, 2020

Chaoticia said:
The last time I played an online game a teenager teabagged me and called me an incel. Before I got into a car accident and my dog died, I spent ten dollars. I bought a game called Super World via direct download for the price of a cheap pair of headphones.

Way too much introduction isn't fair to the game of presenting three sentences for their effects on readers. Then, after all the fanfare, the three sentences don't hang together well enough for me to read on. Sorry.

[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

Chaoticia

JJ Litke

People are not wearing enough hats

mccardey

Maddy Knight

Maddy Knight

Maddy Knight

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Woollybear

Maddy Knight

Maddy Knight

Maddy Knight

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Maddy Knight

Maddy Knight

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

Maddy Knight

Maddy Knight

Maddy Knight

Maddy Knight

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism